Chapter 9 #2
He said it like it was a question, as if he wasn’t sure he was allowed to state a preference aloud.
“That’s fine. Where do you want to sleep instead?”
I did a double-take when he answered. “I want to sleep in your bed.”
“You’re always welcome to stay over, but I also want you to know there’s absolutely no obligation whatsoever. You don’t owe me a damn thing.”
“Do you mean nothing will ever happen between us?”
“It will only if you want that because you don’t owe me a damn thing.”
“But what if I want something to happen between us?”
“I would like that,” I reassured him. “But I’d make sure we both got tested because safety first, although I’m already on PrEP.”
“Yeah, me too, but I’m not going to complain about getting tested.”
“Does that mean you want to get tested?”
“I think so, yeah.”
Without hesitation, I strode across the room and drew him close. Drew immediately circled his arms around my torso so I could pull him against me. He buried his face in my neck and breathed deeply.
All my protective instincts kicked into overdrive whenever I was around this man.
Everything about him screamed that I needed to keep him safe.
He felt too trusting, too willing to believe that people wanted the best for him when it was for their own convenience.
It would be far too easy for someone to take advantage of that trust.
“I know nothing will happen, but I want…” Drew trailed off as he tried to pull away from me.
I heard the embarrassment in his voice, and it broke my heart to think he felt any kind of shame for having perfectly normal wants and emotions.
It pissed me off that the lesson he’d learned over the last two decades of his life was to put himself last whenever it was an option and to apologize for taking up space.
“Say it, sweetheart.”
“Can I sleep with you?” he whispered.
“Always.”
“You go in there, and I’ll use the guestroom bathroom,” I said firmly.
Drew gave me a questioning look but then nodded.
“Okay.”
I put both hands on his shoulders, turned him around, and gently steered him toward the bathroom.
“Get ready for bed, and I’ll meet you back here in a little bit.”
I turned and left the room, even though every part of me wanted to stay. I’d happily volunteer to wash that man’s back if he’d let me, but I knew that if I did, my promise about nothing happening would probably go by the wayside.
Rather than standing there contemplating taking back my earlier words, I headed to the other bathroom. I rushed through my own shower and brushing my teeth, hoping to get back to my bedroom before Drew was finished.
Lucky for me, as I walked through the bedroom door, I heard the shower turn off.
A few minutes later, he stood in the bathroom doorway.
“It’s not too late to change your mind,” he said with a slight smile.
“I could say the same to you,” I answered, “but I have zero desire to change my mind.”
“Why is that?”
“Because I’m kind of hoping you’re a cuddler. Are you?”
“I’ve been told I’m less of a cuddler and more like a barnacle,” Drew said with a slightly wider smile.
“Perfect.”
Drew pushed himself away from the doorframe and moved farther into the bedroom.
My law school logo was emblazoned on his chest in my threadbare T-shirt.
I’d spent the summer before I passed the bar studying in the shirt, and I’d always thought it was lucky since I passed on my first attempt.
His borrowed sleep pants hung low on his hips and were a little big.
He’d mentioned he wasn’t eating, and I wondered how much weight he’d lost in the last six months.
I’d happily remind him to eat and drink some water if he’d let me.
I pulled back the blankets, climbed into bed, and held them open so he could slide in beside me. There was a little hesitation in his step, but eventually, he climbed in and snuggled right against me.
I pulled the blankets over us, wrapped my arms around his shoulders, and held him close.
His soft sigh settled any lingering doubt I might have had that this wasn’t a good idea.
His breathing was slow and even, and I knew he wasn’t asleep. But if he didn’t want to talk, I certainly wasn’t going to interrupt the quiet.
“Tell me about your family,” he said. “Please.”
“You’ve met my brother Marc. We’re fraternal twins, but I’m older by thirteen minutes.
And, of course, Ben, his kid, is four. We don’t have any other siblings.
Our parents live in San Pedro. My mom worked for the county, and my dad taught math at an adult education center.
They are currently in an RV somewhere in Montana. "
“Really? I would’ve thought he was a lawyer too.”
“Nope. I think I have a cousin who’s a lawyer, but no one in my immediate family. Marc’s an accountant, so I guess he followed a little more in our dad’s footsteps.”
“Is Marc married?”
“Divorced. They’d already started the adoption process, and she decided it wasn’t for her. Marc was already in love with Ben, so they split, and he adopted Ben on his own,” I said quietly.
It had been a long time since I’d thought about Eliza. She and Marc hadn’t had the greatest marriage, but they’d loved each other, even if they had been a hot mess.
While I answered his questions, Drew absentmindedly scratched my chest. My cock stirred, but I did my best to keep it hidden.
I didn't want him to think my body’s reaction to having him so close was any kind of pressure.
It took more effort than I expected to keep my breathing slow and steady while he was tucked against me.
“What about yours?”
“My dad works at the VA in the supply office, and my mom works there too as a secretary in the maintenance department.” Drew paused, then added, “Only child, but they tried several times to have more kids. It just didn’t work out for them.”
“What are they like?”
Drew let out a small laugh.
“They’re very Midwestern. My dad says things like, ‘You betcha.’” Drew paused, but I could hear the smile in his voice when he continued. “My mom is the canning queen. Every year, she puts up a ton of corn, green beans, and everything else.”
“Do you see them often?”
“Not very.”
“Can I ask why, or is that being too nosy? You can tell me to shut up. I won’t be offended.”
Drew snuggled in closer and threw a leg over mine. It was like he wanted to burrow inside my skin, and I was happy to let him if that was what he wanted, especially if it kept him talking.
“I don’t know. There’s not really a reason, but no one I dated ever wanted to go to Carnarvon, Iowa. There’s a feed store, a little grocery store, a graveyard, and a Presbyterian church, and that’s about it. Oh, wait, there’s a grain silo too. I forgot about that.”
“Well, it can’t be that small if there’s a VA, right?”
“The VA is in Carroll.”
Drew paused before asking, “How did your parents take finding out you were gay?”
“It was so anticlimactic. I got a shrug and was told to take out the trash. I didn’t expect a rainbow parade, but something would’ve been nice,” I groused.
“Not even a handful of confetti?”
“Nope. What about yours?”
“It took them a little while to accept it. It wasn’t dramatic or anything, but they worried about what their friends would say, or people at church. I’m not sure everyone was thrilled about it, but as far as I know, they didn’t lose any friends.”
“Do you miss Iowa?”
When I glanced at Drew, his brow was furrowed in concentration.
I used my thumb to smooth the skin there, then traced along the bone of his brow until I reached his cheek.
With his eyes shining brightly, I leaned down and replaced my thumb with my mouth.
It was little more than the brush of our lips, but late at night, in the quiet of my bedroom, it took on an outsized importance.
“I miss parts of it.”
“Yeah? Like what?”
“Like diner food because it always tastes better at eight o’clock in the morning, served with coffee in those thick stoneware mugs.
Or going to the grocery store, and they already know what your favorite whatever is, so they set it aside until you get there.
Or having people wave when you’re walking down the road because they know who you are. ”
“I’m sure there are places like that in California.”
“I’m sure there are,” Drew agreed, “but I don’t live there. I live here, where I’m completely useless. I don’t really have much to offer.”
“What did you think was going to happen when you came out here?”
“I told my folks I was just coming out for a vacation while I figured out what I wanted to do with my life. I knew if I could find a job and a place to stay during those couple of weeks, I would stay. And I did. Then I met my first boyfriend, moved in with him, and the rest is history.”
I hated hearing the sadness in Drew’s voice. It wasn’t like he’d done anything wrong. He hadn’t cheated on anyone or hurt anybody. He’d simply lived his life by making himself smaller, smoothing away all the parts that were really him.
Those were the parts I liked best.
I could see this man from Iowa, who hated my convertible and thought wine was disgusting, staying permanently in my life.
I just didn’t know if he could see the same thing.