17. The Beach
17
THE BEACH
R aina! Raina! an excited voice called. Guess what?
I opened my eyes and found myself back on a beach. Again.
With a groan, I sat upright and glanced toward the water. But Hayes wasn t near the shore this time; he was jogging toward me from behind.
Hey, buddy, I greeted with a yawn, getting to my feet and annoyed to see that I was back in the dreaded jumper that I no longer thought was cute. I gave Foster your message like you asked.
Yeah, yeah. I know. He waved a dismissive hand, moving past that as if it wasn t important. But guess what? You don t have to be dead for me to talk to you anymore. The boy jumped excitedly in the sand. You ve traveled back and forth between life and death so much lately that you ve created a pathway. I can seek you out in your dreams now! And guess what else?
I shook my head, boggled by what he d already told me. So when I said, What? I wasn t really paying attention to his answer; I was still trying to figure out the whole pathway thing.
I m not the only one who can visit, he announced excitedly.
My brow furrowed. Huh?
Look who I brought with me. He jumped to the side, revealing someone he d been standing in front of that I hadn t noticed before.
Surprise! Kinsey cried with a big smile as she opened her arms and rushed forward.
When her solid body plowed into mine and she wrapped her arms around me, I sucked in a surprised breath. Kins?
The one and only. Pulling back to smile into my eyes, she gripped my shoulders and laughed. You look as if you re seeing a ghost.
She was so ethereal and different, yet also the same.
Be—because I am, I sputtered.
But my sister shook her head. Nope, she corrected. I didn t stick around Earth to haunt anyone. I m beyond all that.
Then…? I shook my head, still not understanding. How am I talking to you?
Was I just making all this up in my head? Maybe I d made up my time with Foster too. I mean, certainly, no one could be as perfect as he was.
In front of me, Kinsey laughed and lifted her shoulders. Why would I know how ? I just know I can , so here I am to see you. Oh! And I thought you d like to meet Mom, too.
My lips parted. Mom? Is she here? Right now?
Kinsey s smile grew even larger before she stepped aside to reveal a woman who looked so much like her but about fifteen years older. Her smile was more demure—almost shy—as she lifted a hand and waved at me. Hey, Raina. You have no idea how nice it is to finally get to talk to you!
Mom?
Her smile grew, and she nodded before opening her arms.
With a gasp, I flew forward and hugged her hard. She kissed my hair, saying, I m sorry we don t have much time. You re already waking up. But I ll visit again. Every time you sleep, if you d like.
I brightened. Seriously?
Well, we re not sure yet, Hayes broke in with a cringe. We ll have to wait and see if you re still able to reach us after you get out of the hospital. If you ever get out.
I scowled at him, not liking any suggestion that steered me away from regaining consciousness, but his face started to blur. I blinked to clear my vision, only to find myself awake in Foster s room.
Turning my face to take in the slumbering boy next to me, dead asleep, I whispered, I will wake up in the hospital someday. I swear I will.
But apparently, I wouldn t today. With a sigh, I sat up and glanced around Foster s room. It was daylight but still early.
Curious about who else was up, I popped into the room on the other side of the wall, but Foster s fourteen-year-old brother, Reed, was dozing on his stomach, his sheets covering him from the waist down.
Next, I checked on Amy. She was nearly sixteen and seemed like the hardest one to warm up to. She wore a sleep mask and had her hair wrapped in a towel as she slept, curled up under a mountain of blankets.
Little and Brey s room was next. Both girls slept nearly identically to each other, lying at an angle on top of all their covers with the sheets kicked down to the foot of the bed as if they were both very active sleepers. I smiled adoringly at the eleven-year-old tomboy and four-year-old princess.
And then I checked on the parents, but they weren t in their bedroom. Frowning slightly at their made bed, I cocked my ear until I could hear voices from the kitchen, and so I popped there next.
At the table, Foster s parents were sitting together, finishing a bowl of cereal and oatmeal and talking about bills.
Now that football season s over, his dad was saying, Foster can pick up more hours at Duke s.
My eyebrows lifted in surprise because they were talking about my favorite subject: Foster.
Foster s mom made a distasteful face at her husband s suggestion, however, and grumbled, I just hate relying on him for income. Scott…
I know, I know, Foster s dad agreed with a regretful sigh. But he offered. Shrugging helplessly, he added, And we need it.
She groaned. He should be spending his money on spring break trips with his friends and flowers for pretty girls. A new truck. Not his parents water bill.
Scott reached over and set his hand calmly on top of his wife s. Dahlia, I know.
Then we need to come up with a different plan. Maybe I should find a full-time job. The three hours I work every day while Little s in preschool just aren t cutting it.
You re valuable in other ways that far surpass money, Scott claimed. And daycare would probably eat up everything you made, anyway. Blowing out a breath, he ran a hand over his head. Rodney at the hardware store asked if I wanted to help out there and pick up a couple of shifts when I was home. Maybe I should take him up on it.
But Dahlia made a sound of protest. What? No . We barely get to see you as it is. She gripped his hand as if physically barring him from leaving. Then she heaved out a breath and nodded to herself. Foster will help out.
His dad nodded in agreement, but both parents looked miserable about the situation.
I sat down at the table across from them, feeling miserable too.
Well… Scott took one last gulp from his coffee. I best get to it. This yard needs some serious work before I head out again tomorrow.
Standing, he took his cup to the sink and rinsed it.
Dahlia rose to her feet, meeting him there so the couple could kiss. Afterward, she wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her cheek on his shoulder as he rubbed her back.
It s gonna be okay, she murmured softly. Everything s gonna be just fine.
When he kissed her temple, I hugged myself and murmured, Aww. Foster had the most adorable set of parents ever. I d already fallen in love with them last night when they d talked my dad through his grief, but this… This was just too much.
I wondered if my mom and the captain would ve had a marriage anywhere near as sweet as this one.
Alright, I gotta go, Scott said reluctantly, and Dahlia unwrapped her arms from around his waist, then stepped back to let him push away from the counter.
He smoothed a hand over her light hair as he passed by, and she smiled softly, swatting at his butt as he started for the back door. Once he was gone, however, she closed her eyes, bowed her head, and pressed a fist into her stomach until tears slid down her cheeks.
Everything s going to be just fine, she repeated under her breath before she straightened and shook off the mood, wiping her cheeks and straightening her shoulders.
Then she got to work too, cleaning up the dishes in the sink by hand before digging out a Crock Pot from the cabinets.
I don t know why I lingered with her. Maybe I didn t want her to be alone. Maybe I admired her bravery as she pushed through her pain and worry. Maybe it was because I d just talked to Hayes, and I knew this woman had tragically lost him. She would understand my grief over losing Kinsey.
As she pulled frozen vegetables and meats from the freezer, I stayed, watching her quietly.
She d just loaded her arms with spices to season her meal when a knock came on the back door.
It s open, she called, glancing over to see who was visiting.
A Michael B. Jordan look-alike stepped inside, and Dahlia greeted him with a tired smile. Hey, Thane.
Morning, Mrs. Union, he replied, shutting the door behind him and wiping his feet on the floor mat. I was just popping by to check on Fos and see how he s doing. Is he awake yet?
No, I m sorry, dear. He— She cut herself off by blinking at him in confusion. Check on him? she repeated slowly before tipping her head. Why would you need to check on him? Is something wrong?
Thane immediately cringed. No. I m sorry. He lifted his hand as if asking her to forget that he d even spoken. No need to worry. He s just fine.
Then why would you need to check on him?
When Thane hesitated, Dahlia narrowed her eyes. Nathaniel, she said sternly. If something s wrong with my son, I d like to know about it.
It s just… Poor Thane looked as if he d swallowed razor blades. I m really sorry, he started again, lifting both his hands this time to excuse himself. I promise; there s nothing to worry about. It s only—this girl from Haverick was in a car accident the other night, is all. And I wanted to make sure he didn t feel…responsible.
I sat up in alarm because I was pretty sure Foster would not want his mother to know this particular tidbit of information.
I was tempted to run back and wake him up—warn him what was happening—but I wanted to see how the rest of this conversation played out more.
Dahlia shook her head slowly. Why would he feel responsible for her ?
I—
I thought he said he didn t even know Raina Bollen, Dahlia spoke slowly and cautiously.
He doesn t, Thane assured quickly.
Foster s mother frowned. Then why would he have anything to do with her accident?
He didn t. Not at all. It s just… Our friend, Oaklynn, had been trying to set Raina up with Foster, and when he didn t show up where we were hanging out that night, she left to go looking for him. And that s when the drunk driver ran into the car she was in. She was trying to find Foster when she got in the wreck.
Oh! Dahlia covered her mouth with one hand, and her eyes went wide. Oh no. A second later, she dropped her fingers. But that s not Foster s fault.
No. Of course not, ma am, Thane answered patiently. But I was just worried he might try to blame himself.
He didn t have anything to do with any of that.
No, he didn t, Thane answered, starting to look a little irritated.
Noticing his reaction, Dahlia blurted, Look, I know you don t like me.
Blinking, Thane pulled back in surprise, clearly not expecting to hear that . Ma am? he asked, obviously needing an explanation.
You were there, in all those grief group meetings with Foster, ever since he was ten. You got to listen to him confess his secret thoughts. You heard his point of view about the day Hayes died. And I m sure he blamed the whole thing on me?—
Whoa! Thane lifted his hands again, clearly shocked. But I was too. Foster had never struck me as a person who would blame his mother for anything. Mrs. Union?—
But she just kept talking. And that s fine. That s what he was supposed to do. Confide in you. Tell you everything. So he could heal. Which let you know just how imperfect and flawed I am for being unable to keep track of my own?—
When her voice broke, and she needed a moment before she continued, Thane once again tried to reassure her. Ma am?—
Except she d already gotten her wind back. But I love my son more than my own life. And I only want what s best for him. So no matter what else you may think about me, I hope you at least realize that. Foster is my entire world. All of my children are.
Oh my God, Dahlia , Thane broke in, not about to let her talk over him again. I know you love him, and believe it or not, he never blamed you. Not once. Not during all the years that I listened to him talk in group sessions or outside them. He never thought you were at fault.
Dahlia s chest heaved and she pressed a fist to her heart as tears sprouted in her eyes. H-he didn t? she whispered hoarsely, hope and confusion sparkling in her tears.
No. Thane shook his head as if the idea was ludicrous before he added, He was always too busy blaming himself.
Himself ? Foster s mother straightened with a stunned frown. But why—why would he…? She shook her head, not understanding.
It was his idea to go to the beach that day, Thane told her softly, almost ducking his face as if he didn t want to say anything else. But then he continued. He insisted . Remember?
But… Dahlia shook her head. No. It was never his—oh dear Lord. He blamed himself ?
He still does to this day, Thane answered with a nod. Why do you think he tries so hard to do everything just right? To be the best, to be perfect at whatever he does. He s afraid to let you down again. He s afraid to ask for anything for himself because the last time he did, his brother died. He still lives here, helping you with your children and your bills because he s trying to make up for everything he thinks he did wrong.
I covered my mouth with my hands, having a hard time hearing Thane s explanation. My chest ached for poor Foster. I couldn t even imagine what his mother must be going through.
Tears spilled down her cheeks as she shook her head madly. But… She choked on a sob and had to pat her chest a few times as if attempting to restart her stalled heart before demanding, Why did no one ever tell me this?
Thane looked regretful as he whispered, Why wasn t it already obvious to you?
Her shoulders heaved unsteadily, and she sobbed again as she realized she d let down her child. For years.
I m so sorry if I was ever disrespectful to you, ma am, Thane promised her gently. I don t hate you, I swear. I just—why did you never try to reassure him that he didn t do anything wrong? I think if he d heard it from you just one time?—
Because I didn t know he felt that way! she cried, clutching her head in both hands. I blamed myself so much for everything; I couldn t imagine that anyone else could possibly feel any kind of culpability. Struggling for breath, she gasped a few times before weeping, Oh my God. Foster .
When she went racing from the kitchen, Thane cursed under his breath and hurried after her. Mrs. Union. Wait!
Crap.
Foster had no idea what kind of shitstorm was headed straight for him.
I zipped to his room ahead of them, starting to get used to popping from place to place in an instant. Foster? Foster! You need to get up right now. Hurry.
Mmph… His eyes flew open, and he sat upright, only to wince and grip his head. What? What s wrong?
Your mom and Thane are coming. And it s bad. It s so bad. She s really upset.
What ? He squinted at me in utter confusion, plowing a hand through his hair and making his golden locks scatter in every direction.
Oh God. I started to wring my hands. I wish I had more time to warn you, but it s about Hayes.
Hayes? Looking completely boggled, he turned as the door to his room blew open, and his mom streaked inside, crying hysterically with a panicked Thane hot on her heels.
Foster, she sobbed, going straight to him so she could sit next to him on the mattress and throw her arms around his neck. I had no idea. I swear, I had no idea.
Mom? What…? He gathered her close and stroked her hair, intent to calm her down, while widening his eyes over her shoulder at Thane, demanding an explanation. Dude.
But all Thane could say was, Man, I m sorry. I am so sorry.
So I rushed out the words, He told her you still blamed yourself for your brother s death, and apparently she didn t realize you d ever felt responsible at all.
What? He zipped a shocked glance my way before turning accusing eyes toward Thane. Why would you tell her that?
Thane s mouth opened in question, and then he squinted in my direction as if trying to figure out how Foster had gleaned any information at all about what had happened. Then he turned back to his friend. I—I… I thought she knew.
Dammit. Foster closed his eyes briefly, then turned his attention to his mother. Mom. Mom? He tried to pull back out of her arms just enough to see her face, but she clutched him harder and shook her head against his chest.
You are not to blame, she swore. You were never to blame. It was my fault. Do you hear me? I d always planned on taking you to the beach that day. You never did anything wrong.
What? When Foster stiffened and pulled up straighter, his mom finally released him enough to wipe her eyes and meet his gaze.
It was your birthday , she told him through her tears. And the beach was your favorite place to go. I d meant for it to be a surprise, but then you started begging and wheedling, and I stupidly tried to keep it a surprise for too long. You didn t cause any of this.
Foster s face went red as he looked into her shattered eyes. And then his own expression crumbled. But I didn t watch him when you asked me to, he rasped. I should ve helped you?—
No! his mother inserted forcefully. Never. Hayes was my child. My responsibility. You never ever had to—God… Clutching her face, she shook her head insistently, and her tears only seemed to run thicker. How did I never realize that you d put all this on yourself?
Mom. When Foster tried to reach for her shoulders in an attempt to calm her, she pulled back and hopped off the bed to stand over him.
That s it, she announced, wiping down her shirt to iron out the wrinkles. Then she lifted her chin regally and looked her oldest son in the eyes. I want you to move out.
His mouth fell open. What ?
We have relied on you too much around here. We ve let you help us with bills, with the kids, with food. And that s going to stop. You do not owe us anything , Foster. Tears shimmered from her eyelashes but remained too courageous to fall. You are the most noble and amazing young man I have ever met, and you should be allowed to go out there and start living your life for yourself . Not for us. I am not going to let this guilt you feel over Hayes tie you here anymore.
It s not! Foster swore, pushing up from the bed to go to his mom. He opened his arms to hug her, but she held up a hand, stopping him. I stay because you re family, he insisted. I want to help.
Well, I m sorry. She shook her head sternly, not budging. I ll give you until the end of the semester and all summer to look, but by the time you start your senior year in the fall, you need to be gone. You need to take care of you now.
Then she turned to walk from his room. As a wide-eyed Thane leaped out of the doorway to let her by, Foster took a step after her. Mom.
She halted but held up a hand to caution him from following her. Little will start elementary school in the fall. I ll be able to get a full-time job. We ll be fine.
Then she walked away without a backward glance.