CHAPTER 43
She was surprised how hard it was to say those words, even to him, even not facing him as she was still buried in his chest. But it felt like such a failure on her part as a woman.
“I’m scared to have a child,” she admitted. “My mother died—a lot of women die—and it scares me.”
Was that what was so comforting about Kallias: that that would never be a possibility? No, even thinking it didn’t feel right because somehow a baby didn’t seem as awful of a prospect if he was the one beside her.
His arms tightened around her. “That would be scary,” he murmured.
“Do mermaids have easier births?”
“I have no idea,” he admitted.
She sighed. “Everyone in town wants me to settle down. Everyone acts like that’s the purpose of women. Well, maybe my purpose is saving drowning sailors and then they can go have the families for me.”
She could hear Kallias’s smile. “That’s a good purpose, Daria,” he murmured. “Just as good.”
“Just as deadly too?” she teased and he laughed.
“Not with me around. I’ll save you every time.”
“Well, hopefully I won’t ever need saving again,” she laughed. “I’m usually quite good at my job.”
“You’ve saved men before?”
“Yeah, a few times. I was probably being arrogant that night you rescued me. I had already saved three men and they were exhausted. I probably shouldn’t have let the one row, but I was running out of steam myself and I thought it was the best option.
I don’t know if he got distracted or what, but he let us get too perpendicular to the waves and they started crashing over the side. ”
She shifted so she was on her back, her head against his chest. “You really saved my life that night, you know?”
He hummed in agreement. “I tried to save the others too, but when I went back, I couldn’t find them. I was worried you were dead, just like the captain, but I saw the oar hit your head so I hoped it was just that. The boat was still upright when I left them.”
He sounded sad, so she said, “It’s okay. We tried our best.”
Truthfully, she wasn’t sure she fully accepted her own failure from that night either. She had chosen not to think too much on those poor men since. Kallias was a lovely distraction.
“Daria, if you could be anything, would you still be a lighthouse keeper?”
“Probably not,” she said after a moment. “No, I’d want to travel all around. Maybe as a merchant or a mapmaker or explorer. I’d travel up and down the coast and see the world!” It sounded fantastic in her ears even now. “Yes, that would be incredible.”
“Well, why don’t we then?” he said. “I can get us all the fish we’d ever need.
You could get one of those boats big enough for people to sleep in and then we could go wherever you want.
I can tell when storms are coming, and I could direct you so you never hit a reef or a sandbar.
I’ve been up and down this whole coast multiple times. ”
“Is there much to see?”
“Well, it’s a beach most of the way. The plants change a bit. The people change a bit. The birds and stuff too.”
Was it strange she found the prospect as frightening as it was exciting, as if her heart knew to race but not why? But the possibility of it left her already missing her lighthouse.
“Maybe in the future,” she said slowly. “For right now, I’m happy where I am.”
He nodded as if accepting it easily.
“Kallias, do you…” This question hurt her heart and so it lingered in her mouth like merely saying it would make him run. “Do you stay in one place very long?”
“I haven’t before,” he answered. “This is already probably the longest I’ve ever stayed in one place. Mother always used to say it was dangerous, that we’d be more likely to be seen by one of your kind. She was very worried. About a lot of things.”
Again his voice turned sad and she wished to instantly fix it, but instead she stuck with the truth. “I’m worried about that too. We think of mermaids as myths. If people found out you’re real…”
“What?” he asked when she didn’t finish the thought. “What would they do?”
“Kallias, humans aren’t much better than your kind. In fact, we’re probably worse. I specifically picked books where no one seemed too evil because I didn’t want you to think poorly of us.”
“But you said killing others was forbidden amongst your kind, especially children. That’s already better.”
“Maybe, but that doesn’t mean we don’t kill, and when someone isn’t…
like us, they no longer seem to qualify for that protection.
There are no laws against hurting other creatures, Kallias, and I could imagine so many horrible things they might do to you.
” From museum specimen to kept in a cage as a king’s exotic pet to eaten as a delicacy to dissected for science, oh, she could quickly imagine quite a few.
“It terrifies me. That’s why you have to stay hidden, alright? Your mother was right.”
He sat up, his hand falling to his scar.
She sat up too, and when he didn’t say anything, she said, “I really wish it wasn’t true. And maybe I’m wrong—I’d like to be wrong—but…” But she could never risk his life to find out. She could not live if she knew his body was hanging in a university somewhere or on the wall of a hall of oddities.
“Kallias, what are you thinking?” He was so still, so silent it scared her too. What was he thinking? Was it because she had admitted to hiding things about humans from him?
“Nothing.”
She frowned. “It doesn’t look like nothing.”
“No,” he said. “I was just thinking. I don’t want to bother you with every little thought of mine.”
“What? Why?” When he said nothing yet again, she wrapped her arms around him from behind and leaned her head against his back. “Why? Are you worried I’ll get annoyed with you?” She took his silence to be a yes. “I want to know everything. If it hurts you, it hurts me too.”
He put his hand over one of hers, and head down, his neck almost hugged her arms. “I’m the luckiest being alive,” he whispered, spinning to hold her.
“Yes, you are,” she teased. “So what is it? Not everyone has someone caring like me, you know.”
He laughed. “Now I don’t want to ruin the mood. Your smile is too beautiful.”
“Ruin it and we’ll fix it later. Together. Because you may be smiling, but your eyes are sad.”
“Are they?” he asked, his tone rueful, his smile melancholy.
“It’s silly maybe. I was just thinking about my mother again.
I had thought maybe she had been wrong. Maybe she over-worried since you were so kind.
Then you said she was right—or that she could be—and I don’t know.
I don’t know. Just…why couldn’t she have been right about him too? ”
It was a question that really had no answer—not one that she knew of anyway. She knew women here loved men who hurt them too. She didn’t understand it. She wasn’t even sure they did.
“I never finished my story,” he said after another long pause. “Of why I don’t go to the deep. And I never answered why I have this scar.”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want—”
But he put out a hand and cut her off. “You said you want to know everything, right?” She nodded. “This is my everything.”
“Okay. I’m listening.”
He laughed. “No need to be so serious. I’ve never seen you look so intent.”
“You said it’s your everything.”
He laughed again. “It just means you’ll know everything there is about me after this. I don’t think I have much more to share.”
“I bet you’d be surprised what more I’ll uncover,” she said, poking him.
He grabbed her finger. “I look forward to it.”