Chapter Nineteen
Cross had become a fixture at her place for the last couple of days, spending every night in her bed.
I’m not complaining. They’d talked a lot more about Knox.
He shared countless stories. As did Cleo.
Many made her laugh, a few warmed her heart, and a lot of them made her blush.
It was strange to have a connection to someone feel so strong even though she had never met him.
She didn’t even know Knox except through the stories of others.
And of course, the heart beating in my chest.
Addison was at the kitchen sink rinsing a peach when Cross walked into the room and sat at the table.
“Tell me about Knox’s list.”
Addison froze, glancing out the window into the yard.
Up until now, the subject hadn’t come up again since Cross had initially confronted her.
A week had passed and she pushed it to the back of her mind.
His question had come out of nowhere, but it shouldn’t have come as a surprise.
Of course, there would be some curiosity. It was to be expected.
She drew in a breath. “What do you want to know?”
“Why?”
Cross had been open with her about Knox. It was only fair she do the same.
She turned around to face him. “When I was being prepped for surgery, I had this nurse. Andrea. Very sweet, and apparently really good at reading people. It was like she knew something was off with me that went beyond nerves. She was pretty insistent I share. So I did.” She grasped the counter behind her.
“She had this amazing way of looking at organ donors. But something she said stuck with me. ‘Do all the things he never got to do’. I know it was metaphoric, and she didn’t mean I should fulfill his bucket list. But I wanted to do something for Knox, so I could…
” Addison caught herself. It was an admission she’d never vocalized. To anyone.
“What?”
Say it. Tell him. Her eyes welled, and she looked up at the ceiling, inhaled a deep breath, and whispered. “So I could earn it.”
There was a small stretch of silence.
“Earn what?”
She glanced over. “His heart.”
Cross knitted his brows, scanning her face.
“Being on the waitlist for an organ donor is basically, the end of the line. Desperation in its truest form. Every other alternative has been exhausted. It’s this or nothing.
Your existence is reduced to a number, on a list that requires a match.
” Addison dug her nails into the counter.
“I didn’t get Knox’s heart because I’m worthy or special.
I didn’t do anything to earn it. I was a match, Cross.
That’s it. He had to die in order for me to live.
” She wiped her cheek, brushing away the tear.
“I thought coming here and meeting Cleo would give her solace. But that wasn’t the only reason.
I thought I’d find redemption. I thought if I gave her this, that the guilt would lessen.
But you know what? It didn’t. It made it worse, in a way.
Because I got a front row perspective of how much she misses him, how much you all do.
” She choked on her final words. “How much you all lost when Knox died.”
He stood up and walked over to her, grasping her face in his hands. “Knox’s death has nothing to do with you. His heart living on is yours, but not his death.”
“But I’m here because he isn’t. The therapist says it’s normal to feel this way. It’s part of the process. But when does it end?”
“When you let it go. So let it fucking go, baby.” He caressed his thumbs over her cheeks, wiping away her tears. “I knew Knox better than anyone, and I know he wouldn’t want you to spend the rest of your life carrying this. Or me carrying my own shit.”
She sniffled. “I’m sorry you lost him.”
“So am I.” He pressed his forehead against hers. “But I’m not sorry I got you from it.”
It wasn’t about having one over the other. There was no choice to be made. What if’s were pointless. Life happened, and this was the outcome. If they could both find something beautiful from a tragedy, then why would they deny it?
“Come on.” He dropped his hands from her face and grabbed her hand, leading her to the couch in the living room. When she sat, he walked back into the kitchen, coming out with two beers.
He took the seat next to her, handed her a beer, and she took a sip.
“You never told me why you needed the transplant.”
Addison lifted her brows, smirking. “Well, you never asked.”
Cross settled on the couch. “I’m asking now.”
“I was born with a hole in my heart, which is actually not as rare as you may think. For most, the hole closes up on its own, and it never becomes an issue. For me” —she paused, clearing her throat— “I was part of the smaller fraction affected. It never really held me back when I was young. It’s not like I was a sports star.
” She snorted, which rolled into a chuckle.
“I was one of those ‘I’ll try anything once,’ but I never excelled in any of them. I liked the social component.”
“Still like that,” Cross said.
“Not really.”
“Wasn’t asking. Telling you what I see.” He lifted his beer, taking a sip. “So, what changed?”
“Nothing right away. I had a basic normal childhood. When I graduated, my parents wanted me to go to the local college, but the thought of four more years in school was not what I wanted. So, I got a server job. I was awful at the beginning. But I liked the tips and the freedom to sleep in. Got this shitty little apartment with my friends. When I turned twenty-one, I got my bartender’s license and worked the circuit.
Not gonna lie, I loved it.” She snickered, resting her head on the back of the couch.
“It’s not prestigious or glamorous, but I really enjoy meeting people, bullshitting and making kickass drinks.
And then um” —she shifted her gaze to the space between them— “everything changed.”
“Yeah?”
Addison flattened her lips, nodding. She wasn’t na?ve enough to think Cross wouldn’t push for more.
“I got, what I thought was the flu. No big deal except it didn’t go away, so after a few weeks and a lot of encouragement from my parents, I went to see the doctor.
” She shrugged and leaned back on the couch.
“I thought I’d get a prescription and be back to my old self a few days later.
After the visit, my doctor sent me for a bunch of tests.
Then to a few specialists. I thought it was so over the top.
Turns out, I was wrong. I was diagnosed with cardiomyopathy.
Depending on the severity, it can be treated a few different ways.
And trust me, my doctors exhausted all avenues.
But in the end, unfortunately, I required a heart transplant.
Got on the list. Waited, and well” —her voice thinned, and she forced a smile, whispering— “you know the rest.”
Cross stared back at her but hadn’t said a word. It was impossible to read his emotions or thoughts.
“That’s it?”
“Pretty much.”
Cross narrowed his gaze. “Doctor visits. Tests. Diagnosis. Heart transplant. Sounds like you’re leaving some shit out.”
I am.
“It was a dark time. Not only for me but my family too. I’m pretty sure it was all my mom thought about during the fourteen months that I spent on the waiting list. She would randomly call me and ask if I’d heard anything.” Addison chuckled. “Like she wouldn’t be the first person I told?”
His brows furrowed. “You waited over a year?”
She nodded. “It had to be the perfect match.”
Cross may have wanted to know, and she appreciated him asking, but Addison wanted to leave the past behind her.
“Can we talk about something else?”
Cross’s hand slid over her ankle and around her calf, tugging lightly. Words were unnecessary. She placed her beer on the coffee table, climbed over the couch and straddled his lap. He swept her hair over her shoulders, grasping her neck and pulling her closer.
“How about we stop talking,” he muttered seconds before his lips grazed over hers.
Perfect!
****
Kissing this woman would never get old. Neither would being inside of her.
It was the only thing on his mind at the moment.
He’d purposely put everything they’d just spoken about to the side.
For now. It was what she wanted. What Addison needed.
It was almost strange to be so aligned with her.
He sensed she was hesitating, holding back during their talk.
Not so much about Knox but her experience.
As she said, it was a dark time. Cross had his fair share, and he’d respect hers.
Since she’d arrived, Cross had been mainly focused on his own pain of losing Knox. It wasn’t until he confronted her at the bar that he got a peek into the toll it’d taken on her. And her family, and all those who loved her. Someday, he’d dig deeper, and she’d let him. But now was not that time.
Her hands trailed over his chest, up to his neck, and angled his head to rest on the couch, all the while straddling his lap and grinding against his growing cock.
He dropped his hands to her ass, urging her closer.
Addison had been in nothing more than a tank top and boxers.
And as he discovered when he slid his hand under the hem, she’d gone without panties. Sweet.
Cross dipped his tongue between her lips while simultaneously gliding his hand over her pussy.
She was already wet. She jerked slightly and melted into his chest, moaning softly against his mouth.
He was all for foreplay, but they needed to move this to the bedroom where he could fully enjoy her body.
He pulled his hand from her shorts and gripped the back of her thighs, attempting to push forward. It wouldn’t be the first time he carried her to bed. Won’t be the last.
“Taking you to bed.” Cross wasn’t expecting a protest.
“You’re not going anywhere.” She gave a gruff shove to his shoulders and crawled off his lap, standing directly in front of him.
She grabbed the hem of her shirt and slowly lifted it over her head.
Cross clenched his jaw. He’d been with a lot of women, all shapes and sizes, and none, not one, could ever come as close to perfection as her.
Addison tossed the tank on the carpet and hooked her thumbs through the waist of her boxers, performing a slow sensual unveiling. It was nothing he hadn’t seen before, but somehow he grew harder, and his need skyrocketed.
Cross inched to the edge of the couch, but her hands came over his shoulders again, pushing him back. He went willingly, smirking as his eyes traveled over her breasts, down her stomach, trailing down to her pussy. Without thinking, he licked his lips and caught her faint chuckle.
“This is all yours, but you’re going to have to lose some clothes.”
He lifted his chin, gesturing to the hallway. “We got a bed twenty feet away.”
She arched her brow, waving her hand. “And we’ve got a couch right here.”
“You’re serious?”
She shrugged with a mischievous gleam in her eyes. “You had me on your couch. It’s only fair, I get you on mine.”
Cross reached for his belt buckle and watched her eyes drift down to his zipper. If she was hoping for a little show, she was going to be disappointed. He arched his back, slid his jeans down to his ankles, and chuckled. He couldn’t help himself. He was having flashbacks.
“What?” Addison asked.
“Feel like I’m in high school waiting for your parents to walk in and catch us fucking.”
Addison held up her hands, and he leaned closer, threading his fingers through hers. She bent her knee on one side of his thighs, then the other, straddling his lap.
“Is that where your love of couch fucking began?”
Cross ignored her teasing, pulling her over his chest and taking her mouth. His tongue tangled against hers, and he released her hands. It was purely selfish. He wanted to touch her everywhere.
Addison lifted her hips, coming over his cock and slowly sinking down.
He groaned against her lips but refused to break away from the kiss.
She tasted too good. He caressed over her back in a feathery touch, feeling her tremble under his hands.
She rocked against him, and he closed his eyes, feeling his arousal strengthen.
He’d been with countless women. Nameless and faceless. They’d all been a means to an end. Getting off. But Addison? She was different.
When she sucked on his tongue, he dropped his hands to her ass, digging his fingers into her skin.
I want her fucking close. She was on top, controlling most of it, but she was taking her time.
She swiveled her hips, riding his cock. Fuuuuck!
He clenched his teeth, gripping her ass. She was sending him over the edge.
Cross would only allow her control for so long before he’d be forced to take over.
“Last chance to go to the bed,” he muttered, and when she turned her head, he licked the column of her throat.
Addison lifted slightly then came down over him, picking up her pace.
It was as if he’d flicked a switch. He’d found her trigger spot.
He pressed his mouth over her throat again, circling his tongue, and she moaned, grasping his shoulders, and riding him intensely.
“Right there.” She moaned, breathless as she came down hard over his cock.
His goal was for her to come first, but Cross was so fucking close. He wrapped his hand around the back of her neck, pulling her toward him, whispering in her ear.
“You’re gonna come for me.” His tone was sharp and demanding.
“Cross.” She gasped, and her whole body tensed, her nails digging into his skin.
“Now!”
Her walls constricted, tightening over his cock. My turn. It didn’t take him long. He was only seconds behind her. Her lips caressed over his ear.
“You gonna come on command too?” Her breathy tone was barely a whisper, which sent him over the edge, coming hard.
But not on command.