Chapter 35 #3
After he pulled away, he sank into the seat beside her bed, held both her hands in his, and kissed them. A crimson splotch had exploded in the white of his left eye, and a couple stray tears fell down his cheeks.
“You’re crying,” she said, brushing a tear with her thumb, into the short facial hair he’d let grow in. It made him look disheveled and handsome. She knew it would. He took both her hands in his again and wiped his eyes with his shoulder.
“I saw it,” he said, and she knew what he meant. He blinked out more tears and held her hands to his forehead, almost in a prayer. “Claire, I’m so sorry.”
She shook her head, smiling slightly. “It’s over now.” She didn’t want it to feel so heavy between them, not now, not after they’d already been through enough. “You know, if you can believe it, I’ve never shot a gun before.”
He stared at her for a moment before he understood, and a smile split his face. “Really? I thought you were a pro.”
She gently nudged him, laughing, appreciating his beauty when he laughed back, even with all those bloody bruises and stitches on his face.
“I was serious,” he said. “That recoil was expertly handled.”
“Don’t make fun of me.” She pouted and touched the bandage in the center of her forehead. “I almost gave myself a concussion.”
He cupped both her hands again. “Well. You also saved my life.”
At that, her attempts to keep the mood light were doused in gasoline and lit aflame. Her chest felt impossibly tight with shame. “How can you say that? I lured you out there. You’ll never understand how sorry I am.”
“You weren’t yourself. I don’t blame you, Claire. I’d relive that hell over and over if it meant you’d be free.”
“Why?” She didn’t deserve his forgiveness. His goodness.
“You know why.” He kissed her hands and breathed her in. “I believed you.”
“You’re the only one who ever has.”
Silence stretched between them, but it was comfortable. Seth scooted the chair closer to the bed. “How are you feeling with all this, by the way?”
The withdrawal, he probably meant. It hadn’t been fun. “Sick. But I’m okay right now. They have me on something.”
“I’m scared to ask, but… the first time I shot up, my life changed forever. There’s been something missing from me ever since; I think there always will be. It’s not a good feeling.”
Claire nodded, understanding what he was asking her. “I don’t feel that way.”
He let out a breath. “I’m glad.”
“There were these moments where everything felt so nice, it was surreal, but it also made me so, so sick. I could hardly even remember who I was. I didn’t feel like a person anymore.
I was like a… substance. Either I was gold or I was dirt.
I don’t wanna feel that way ever again, the good or the bad. ”
“I pray you never will. And you don’t have to go back to the farm for anything. If there’s something you want there, you let us know and we’ll deal with it.”
“There’s not. My sister and I already talked about it—we’re gonna sell it. The bar too. Till then, I have a bit of cash saved up, so after they let me go, I’m gonna pack up the trailer and leave town as soon as possible.”
“Where will you go?”
He looked at her intensely, maybe with a bit of hope. She averted her gaze, embarrassed. Hopefully, this wouldn’t come off as too presumptuous. “I did used to think about Kansas City sometimes…”
He grinned in relief. “I can help you. There are lots of apartment buildings near where I live.”
So he did want to keep seeing her. She was grateful, but at the same time, something else had been weighing on her during her moments of lucidity. She’d had time to think about what might come next.
“Seth, I don’t know if I can give you what you need. Honestly, I’m scared. I’ve never had to live on my own before. I don’t know what the world outside’s really like, but I think I have to face it. I have to know how to stand on my own two feet. And I’m scared it won’t be enough for you.”
There was no hurt on his face, only understanding. “I don’t expect anything from you. I just want to be in your life, however that might look. We don’t have to go fast. If you want me there, I’ll be there. If you don’t, I’ll go.”
She’d always want him there; maybe that was the problem. Her dad had made her into someone who romanticized the idea of being alone in the world while simultaneously fearing it, not understanding it. If she let Seth become her only crutch, she might never grow.
But if they met somewhere in the middle, maybe she could do both. She could have him and still get to know herself. He’d give her that space; she trusted him to do it.
So, with what little strength she had, she hooked her hands to the back of his neck and kissed him. He kissed her back, letting out a sigh, like all the horrors they’d endured evanesced the moment their lips met. Her heart fluttered freely—with no guilt, no fear of the consequences.
“Well.” She grinned and pulled away. “I would really like to see you lots. Maybe my own apartment in your neighborhood wouldn’t be so bad.”
His eyes crinkled when he smiled, all dimples. He caressed her cheek with his thumb. “Wouldn’t be so bad at all.”