Chapter 31 #2
“But isn’t this so much better?” he asks, motioning toward the alcove we now stand in. He scoots closer, forcing me to move backward. My back hits the bookshelf behind me.
He puts one arm over my head, his other hand fingering one of the flowers on my dress. “Isn’t it?” His voice is low, and his eyes are now fixed on my lips. My gaze darts to his mouth.
“Az—”
He trails his hand upward, his finger brushing against my collarbone, then up the slope of my neck, and finally curling around my jaw. His thumb rests on my bottom lip, and my mouth parts involuntarily.
“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he mutters. I whimper, feeling like I might combust right there. “That sound,” he says. “It’s on repeat in my head. It’s driving me insane.” He leans in closer, his thumb brushing my lower lip as he moves his hand to cup my jaw.
“I have to pick someone tonight,” I blurt, instantly cursing myself for telling him. I hadn’t intended on choosing anyone tonight, but being here with him feels right.
He freezes, his mouth only inches from mine. “What do you mean?”
“What do you think I mean?”
He tilts his head, brushing his finger along my lower lip again, his eyes tracking its path. “Well, you could mean a lot of things.”
I roll my eyes. “I have to pick who I’m going to marry tonight. I’ve been thinking…I think you were right.”
“About?”
“This does feel right, doesn’t it?” I ask, searching his eyes, but they won’t meet mine. “I know you said you didn’t want to rule, but what if we could find a way to make it work? What if you could rule your court and be High King?”
He closes his eyes. When he opens them, they look…pained.
“I can’t. I can’t leave my court.”
I freeze. “What? What are you talking about?”
“Mae, listen to me,” he says, his voice low. “This would never work. Your court would never accept me as their High King.”
“We could work it out,” I say, but doubt is creeping into my voice now.
His thumb stills on my mouth. “No,” he says, shaking his head once. “I’m sorry. I never should have done this,” he says.
“Asmo,” I say pleadingly. “What do you mean? I’m telling you that I want to try to make this work.”
He removes his hand from my lips, and my heart finally starts to crack. My lip feels cold without the feel of his thumb against them. He’s…he actually meant it when he said he wouldn’t accept the offer if I chose him.
He closes his eyes and runs his hand through his hair, a single lock of hair falling forward.
It takes every ounce of willpower not to reach forward and smooth it back.
He steps away from me and looks up, staring at the ceiling.
His jaw works as he thinks through his next words.
Finally, he looks back at me. His expression is unreadable but not unfamiliar.
Gone is the look of affection, replaced now with something colder.
“I am not right for you. I’m every kind of wrong for you.
I have done terrible, unspeakable things.
I am not a good male. I do not belong with you or this court.
I do not deserve to sit beside you on the throne.
I belong in my court, not here.” He takes a step back.
“I made a mistake pursuing you,” he says, motioning between us.
“No,” I plead, stepping closer to him. I cup his cheek, trying to force him to look at me.
He jerks his head away and takes another step back. “I’m sorry,” he mutters before turning his back on me and walking away.
“Asmo,” I call, but he doesn’t turn around. No, he just walks away, leaving me standing there alone.
I should have known. He told me. I was a fool for thinking things could be different.
I sink to the floor, my dress pooling around me.
I clench my fists and squeeze my eyes shut, willing myself not to cry, focusing on the sting of my nails as they cut into my palms. My heart pounds in my chest, each beat threatening to crack each rib that protects it.
If only they could have protected my heart from this.
Each breath I take comes slowly and with effort as I force myself to focus on that movement alone. That single act that keeps me alive. That single act that feels nearly impossible now that the future I envisioned—the future with Asmo—has changed again.
I take a deep breath, then another, and another. I will not cry.
I am the High Queen.
My chemistry with Asmo was undeniable, but that was all it was. He’s right. He’s not a good male. He’s been an asshole to me this entire time. He’s made it clear he doesn’t want this. I was a fool for thinking otherwise.
I take another breath and stand, forcing tears down as I rise. I exit the alcove and walk back to the princes. Barrett, August, and Koa are in a lively discussion about something that I don’t care to listen to right now. Marik sits on the couch in the same spot as before. He eyes me as I approach.
“You okay?” he asks.
“Yeah,” I say, forcing myself to smile.
If he notices Asmo’s absence, he doesn’t comment on it.
He pats the seat next to him, and I sink into the couch, grateful to be near him.
I force myself to pay attention to the conversation for the next hour, but I’m in a daze the whole time.
My thoughts are frenzied, flitting from the loss of Asmo and the impending decision I must make.
I end up excusing myself from the night, blaming my early departure on an upset stomach.
I barely sleep. My dreams are filled with nightmares of me marrying each prince, but when I get to the altar, it’s the osseris smiling at me, his filthy claws reaching for me as I say, “I do.”
The next morning, with approximately four cups of coffee in my system, I meet the Herd. When I open the door, everyone is seated, waiting for me. They all stand when I enter.
“Marik’s my choice,” I say without greeting or even sitting down.
Elle smiles and nods in approval. Ivan and Luca just nod in acceptance.
Despite the horrifying dreams I had, I woke up, and I just knew. Marik makes the most sense. He’s the only one I’ve actually gotten to know. August and Koa are great, but I never got to know them the way I got to know Marik. He’s the obvious choice.
“We’ll begin the wedding preparations,” Ivan says. “In the meantime, we’ll ask the other princes to head back to their respective courts.”
“I’d like to tell them myself,” I say.
Ivan nods.
“We’ll need to release a statement as soon as possible about the engagement,” Luca says as I turn to leave.
“When will the wedding take place?” I ask.
“A week from now. That’s the quickest we can make all the arrangements.”
I take a deep breath, feeling my lungs fill with air. “Thank you all.”
I head back to my room, fighting the panic that’s threatening to consume me.
I’m the High Queen, and this is the first of many hard decisions I’ll need to make in this role.
This is just a fact of the position. Having to talk to the princes won’t be the first hard conversation I’ve ever had, and it certainly won’t be the last one I’ll have to have as the High Queen. But it still sucks.
I spend the next thirty minutes in my bathroom, rehearsing my break-up speeches for each prince, the rock in my stomach growing bigger and bigger. As much as I want to hide in my wing forever and avoid these conversations, I decide to go ahead and face this head-on.
Two guards escort me to the guest cottage. Barrett opens the door when I knock, grinning when he sees me.
“Mae!” He pulls me in for a big hug, and my anxiety lessens with the embrace.
“Hey, Barrett,” I say. “Do you know where the other princes are?”
“August and Koa are inside. No idea where Marik and Asmo are,” he says, gesturing me inside. The guard follows behind me, earning a look from Barrett.
“Sorry, Ivan insisted,” I say.
Barrett leads us into the living room, where, fortunately, August and Koa are not. I glance at the stairs and ask, “Will they be able to hear any conversation we have here?”
He gestures down the hall and says, “If you’re looking to have a private conversation, the dining room might be better.
” He leads us to the dining room, and I take a seat at the light oak dining table, settling into a comfortable white dining chair.
The guard stands like a statue in the corner of the room, his gaze settling on a spot in the corner of the room.
Barrett sits across from me and stares at me. “What’s going on?” he asks.
“I’ve chosen who I’m going to marry.”
“Don’t tell me you’re here to dump me?” he asks, his hand coming to his chest.
I smile and say, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
“Except in this case, it was me,” he responds, smiling. I laugh at that, and he says, “Can you tell me who it is?”
I shake my head. “You’ll find out soon enough, but I do need to talk to August and Koa.”
“Which one first?” he asks, standing.
“August,” I decide.
Before he can leave, I say, “Wait, Barrett. Thank you for being a friend to me. And thank you for trusting your secret with me. I hope that, eventually, you feel comfortable enough to share your truth with the kingdom. It would be an honor to host your wedding during my reign.”
He squeezes my hands and says, “You can count on me. For anything. Please never forget that. You have an ally in House Ursidae.”
I inhale slowly and exhale slowly as I watch him leave the room. This is going to suck.
August walks into the dining room, looking like the golden prince he is. A smile spreads across his face when he sees me. He takes the seat directly next to me and throws his arm around the back of his chair.
“What’s going on?” he asks me, throwing a quick glance at the guard in the corner.
“Sorry for the third wheel. Pretend like he isn’t here. He’s just here for my protection.” I hesitate, then decide to just dive right into it. “Listen, August. I’m not here with great news.”
His smile falls, and he says, “You’ve decided.”
I grimace. “I’m sorry. I thought I had more time to get to know you all, but…” I give him a tight smile.
“With the attacks, you have to make a decision sooner,” he finishes for me.
“Yes,” I say. My nerves ratchet up, and I clasp my hands together to keep them from shaking. I hate every moment of this.
“I get it,” he says, a somber smile on his own face. “So, I take it I’m not the chosen one?”
I give a forced laugh. “I’m so sorry,” I say. “I think you’re amazing, and you’ll make an amazing partner. I just didn’t get enough time with you.”
He reaches for my hands and says, “It’s okay. Getting to know you was an honor. You’ll make an amazing High Queen. I’m so happy I got to know you and can call you a friend.”
I close the distance and pull him into a hug. “Thank you for being the best,” I say over his shoulder.
He squeezes me and says, “Whoever you choose is a lucky guy.”
We pull apart, and I ask him to send Koa down next, knowing this next conversation isn’t going to go as well. I hear footsteps coming down the hallway, and I steel myself for this, remembering my last two conversations with him.
He steps into the dining room, his affect somber. Unlike August, he doesn’t smile when he sees me. He doesn’t sit either, instead opting to lean against the doorway of the dining room.
“Koa,” I say, forcing a smile onto my face. He doesn’t return it.
“Did you come here to break up with me?” he asks, deadpan.
“Come sit. Please.”
“Just tell me, Mae,” he says, suddenly looking exhausted.
I hesitate but say, “Yes.”
He scoffs. “Figures you’d pick one of them.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I’m just not surprised you chose one of them,” he says.
I feel like he’s looking to argue, and I, quite frankly, don’t have the mental headspace to do that with him right now, so I settle on an apology instead of biting the bait. “Koa, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize. I’m fine,” he says, staring at the table in front of me.
“Listen to me. I thought I had more time to get to know each of you, but I just don’t.
I’m in an impossible situation. Sometimes, I wish the decision had just been made for me so I didn’t have to put you all through this.
I’m sorry. If it’s any consolation, I sincerely enjoyed our time together, and I really do like you,” I say, adding the last part softly.
He takes a deep breath, seeming to think about what to say next before settling on, “I also care about you, Mae. I knew there was a chance you wouldn’t pick me, but I hoped you would.”
I stand and step toward him, but he stops me. “No. No, thank you,” he says, adding in the second refusal in a nicer tone. “Not yet.”
“Okay,” I say. “I’m sorry, Koa. I really am.”
“Me too,” he says, turning and silently exiting the room, leaving me standing alone.
Even though my heart feels heavy, it feels a little lighter knowing I only have two more princes to talk to. But when I remember that one of those princes is Asmo, my heart drops to my stomach, especially when I remember our conversation from last night.
Or is it because my body, my heart, my soul is screaming, protesting at the idea of saying goodbye to him?