Chapter 44
Detective Sergeant Thomas Daveys – who Teddy is calling Magnum PI because of his moustache – has advised Pauline not to go home, so they head back to Teddy’s apartment.
She’s been staying there for the past few days anyway, since the conversation with her children.
She doesn’t want to run into John, and she needs time away from the house.
Audrey is waiting for them in the living room.
‘How did it go, my darlings?’ she calls out as they arrive en masse through the front door.
‘You fuck!’ Teddy roars out across the apartment. ‘You have some explaining to do, you little sociopath.’
Audrey blinks, looking mildly surprised. ‘I do? More of it?’
Teddy draws herself up to her full, imposing height, staring down balefully at the older woman. ‘Columbo? Dominic Shipman? The same knobhead?’
Audrey looks thoughtful. ‘Oh! I’d forgotten about him.’ She shakes her head. ‘He’s been suspended. Surely he wasn’t at the police station? I thought we’d got rid of him.’
Pauline can’t help herself. She starts giggling. ‘Audrey! You set us up. Again. You tried to get us to kill Columbo all those weeks ago. Why didn’t you tell us?’
Ivy shakes her head. ‘How did you even . . .’ Something occurs to her.
‘Hold on.’ She turns on Audrey. ‘You’re the one who suggested I go to that particular support group!
You’re the one who suggested I started writing a journal about it, logging the worst of the men and their stories.
’ She blinks. ‘Wait, now I remember – you even suggested we go after Dominic first.’
‘It’s just a coincidence, my darling,’ Audrey says with wide, innocent eyes.
Teddy snorts. ‘Why didn’t you say anything when you saw him then? When we were following him around outside the pub?’
‘I wasn’t wearing my glasses.’
Pauline starts laughing again.
‘Bullshit!’ Teddy declares, but she looks like she’s going to laugh as well.
Audrey shrugs, looking caught out. ‘Oh, all right, fine. But if I really promise to stop planting things and manipulating all of you, can we just put this tiny little indiscretion behind us?’
‘So you did set all of this up?’ Ivy is goggle-eyed. ‘You knew who Columbo was from the start?’
Audrey gives a mischievous grin. ‘You didn’t think I’d look into the dreadful police officer harassing me and my daughter?
I spent months looking for Pauline, but you thought I’d let Columbo go without a thorough investigation?
’ She tuts. ‘Turns out he was another awful, abusive, women-beating shit and his colleagues were covering for him. He really did deserve to be on our kill list. I just made sure he was at the top of it.’
‘He did need to be stopped,’ Ivy murmurs and Audrey scoops her up for a cuddle.
Teddy points a stern finger in Audrey’s direction.
‘Just because that cretin deserved what he got, doesn’t mean what you did was right.
’ She sighs. ‘OK, look, we’ll laugh this one off, but no more of this, Audrey!
Just tell us the truth. We can handle it.
We still would’ve taken Dominic Shipman on, even if we’d known who he really was. ’
‘I’m rather glad I didn’t know,’ Pauline admits. ‘I was already on the verge of breaking down half the time. Knowing we were stalking the man who was also stalking us , and a police officer no less, might’ve sent me over the edge.’
‘You’re welcome, my darling!’ Audrey beams.
Teddy rolls her eyes. ‘I think we deserve a drink.’ She heads for an inbuilt fridge, reaching inside and retrieving a bottle of Dom Perignon. ‘It’s pink!’ she adds with a grin.
‘Vintage!’ Audrey observes with delight grabbing for the bottle as Ivy gathers glasses. She pops the top and pours. ‘Four hundred pounds a pop, this stuff!’ she cackles and Teddy frowns at her.
‘Audrey, just because you haven’t really won the lottery, it doesn’t mean you have to be gauche.’
‘Actually,’ Audrey laughs again, ‘I meant what a shame we have to consume such a pauper drink. You should see my castle’s wine cellar.
We have a Domaine Leroy Corton Renardes, Grand Cru bottle of wine in there that’s worth about fifty thou.
There’s also a disgusting Speyside Single Malt Scotch Whisky my father bought.
It’s from 1940 and worth two hundred and fifteen thousand pounds.
My dad says he’s going to drink it on his a hundred and tenth birthday. ’
Pauline regards her, open-mouthed. Two hundred and fifteen thousand pounds for a bottle of booze that tastes like chargrilled soil?
She’ll never get used to this world. Though, when she tastes Teddy’s pink champagne moments later, she makes a mental note that she would like to.
It’s gorgeous . Smooth and delicate with toasty, nutty flavours. Not a hint of fabric softener.
Ooh, maybe that’s what she’ll do next: become a professional champagne taster. Is that a thing?
Ivy leans forward on the huge sofa, shaking her head. ‘I can’t believe it might work.’ She looks around at the others. ‘Do you think it really did? Did it work? Did we just get rid of John and Columbo all in one go?’
Teddy shrugs. ‘I guess we’ll see. It’ll certainly get them off our backs for a while, at least.’ She smiles at Pauline.
‘And even if the case goes away or gets dropped, it will definitely get leaked to the press. John is about to get exposed to the world for who he really is and everything he’s done. ’
‘Meanwhile Columbo’s on suspension.’ Audrey grins.
‘Hold on.’ Ivy frowns. ‘Didn’t you say he was still harassing you, Audrey?’
She shrugs. ‘A little, but I reported it. He hasn’t been around since. There’s no way they won’t dismiss him.’
‘And now our new friend Magnum PI is taking over the case, focusing all his attentions on John Sheldon,’ Teddy finishes.
Pauline puts her drink down, a rush of anxiety ruining her good mood. ‘Do you think John will tell them?’ She swallows hard. ‘About all of you, I mean? Do you think when they bring him in for an interview, he’ll tell them about my email? About how you killed your husbands?’
Audrey places a hand on top of Pauline’s. ‘My darling, I know you’ve been worrying about this, but what did you really tell him in this email? All he has to go on is three first names of women he’s never met—’
‘And Teddy isn’t even my real name!’ Teddy announces happily.
Audrey giggles. ‘And if he did work out which Audrey it is, he’d look absurd trying to accuse me of the crime he’s facing charges over.’
Ivy nods. ‘It would make him look very silly, wouldn’t it? Trying to claim a bunch of lottery winners were in cahoots after all murdering their husbands! No one would ever buy such a ridiculous idea.’
‘There’s one more thing that might be a bit reassuring.
’ Teddy leans back into the luxury cushions of her sofa.
She smiles like a cat. Her friends regard her curiously, waiting.
‘I put in a call to our friend Craig and his pal.’ She pauses.
‘The loan sharks? Yes, they’ve had their money paid back in full, but, to be honest, Craig wasn’t particularly happy that John was let off the hook like he was.
He was displeased that John had faked his own death to avoid paying and didn’t much like threatening poor Pauline all those times—’
‘He didn’t seem to mind that much,’ Pauline points out.
‘He was just doing his job,’ Audrey says, full of sympathy for her fellow sociopath.
‘Either way,’ Teddy waves her hand dismissively, ‘Craig was more than happy to receive a nice little bonus from me to message John earlier today.’ She raises her eyebrows.
‘He let him know that if anything gets brought up that shouldn’t be, he’ll be around to collect on a different kind of debt. With interest.’
Pauline gapes at her friend. ‘Teddy,’ she says at last. ‘You are so brilliant.’ She takes a deep breath. The solid mass in her chest loosens. ‘I’m free,’ Pauline whispers, smiling. ‘I’m really, truly free.’
They clink their glasses once again, acknowledging a job well done.
Ivy sits up straighter. ‘I want to help other women feel free,’ she says suddenly, with urgency.
‘I still want us to do something to help victims— Survivors!’ She half-laughs.
‘Obviously murdering isn’t the way to go, but I can’t help it.
I need to do something to help all those women I’ve met in the support group.
There are so many awful people in the world and I want us to be able to do something about that.
We helped my friend Gemma with Dominic. And we’ve helped Pauline with John—’
‘Pauline helped herself ,’ Teddy says proudly.
‘She did,’ Ivy acknowledges, smiling softly.
‘And you’re amazing, by the way, Pauline.
In case we haven’t said that enough or made that crystal clear.
’ She sighs. ‘But there are a lot of people struggling out there. Owen the predator is still out there hurting women. All those other men on my list, they’re out there doing what they do, over and over. ’
Audrey rests her head on Ivy’s shoulder. ‘I agree with Ivy. We should be able to do something. We all have money to spend and we all believe in moral relativism.’
Pauline nods a lot, though she has no idea what moral relativism means.
Teddy cocks her head. ‘So maybe we become, I don’t know, facilitators of some kind? We could help women get rid of their horrible partners by any means necessary.’
The buzzer goes, and this time, Pauline is unsurprised to see her children at the door. This time they were invited.
‘Come on in, my darlings!’ Audrey calls out. ‘We were just talking about moral relativism.’
‘Moral what-ivism?’ Seb looks blank and Audrey grabs him for a bear hug.
‘Thank you for asking that! I only said it to sound clever and not a single one of these women asked me what it meant. Can you believe that? It’s just inconsiderate when a person’s so clearly trying to show off.’
‘I know what it means,’ Teddy says and Ivy nods in agreement.