Pepper
~
A week later, Josiah was still doing well at the shop, and he was also taking me up on my offer to use my home computer for his online support sessions.
Since he was always kind enough to let me know the dates and times of the sessions, I returned his consideration by making sure to run errands during those times, making myself scarce.
Things really were going well, but I couldn’t stop thinking of how he had called me baby, and my feelings for him were getting harder and harder to ignore.
So, it was Friday evening again, just the two of us, and while I might selfishly be ruining things between us, I felt like I needed Josiah to know how I felt about him.
If he rejected me, so be it. After all, I was a grown woman with a divorce already under my belt, so I could handle Josiah not being interested in me.
What I couldn’t handle was not trying, not knowing.
“You about ready, Boss?” he asked as he peeked his head into my office, something of a routine for us now.
“I’m about to get rude and personal again,” I announced, looking up at him.
He arched a brow, and while he looked wary, that didn’t stop him from walking further into my office. “Okay,” he drawled out slowly.
“It’s been over a month that you’ve been...that things have been getting better, and so I’m wondering why you haven’t reached out to your parents yet,” I told him, coming at him like his choices were my business, which they weren’t.
Josiah crossed his arms over his chest as he leaned back against the door frame.
“Because I’m not ready to bare my soul to them just yet,” he answered easily and honestly.
“No matter what, they’re going to be very hurt and disappointed that I hadn’t asked them for help, and I’m just not sure if I’m strong enough to have that conversation with them yet. ”
“Don’t you miss them?” I pried.
During one of our many breakfast conversations, Josiah had explained how he had a pre-paid phone, but only used his minutes to call his parents, never having ever called anyone else.
While he’d felt conflicted where his parents were concerned, he also hadn’t wanted to disappear on them, driving them into an early grave with worry.
“Of course,” he answered, sighing as he dropped his arms to his sides. “I just...it’s not a good feeling to disappoint your parents.”
Since I was close to my parents, I knew exactly what he meant. “What about...everything else?”
His brows furrowed at that question. “What everything else? What are you talking about?”
“Well, now that things are getting better for you, do you ever think about...you know, dating or anything like that?”
His dark eyes rounded in astonishment. “Are you high?”
That had me scowling. “What? No.”
“Then have you forgotten that I’m fucked in the head, Pepper?
” he asked, his voice darker than usual.
“Do you honestly think that dating is in the cards for me right now?” He let out a hollow laugh that broke my heart.
“Okay, so say that I ask a woman out, and that we end up hitting it off...what do I do then? Invite her back to your shed for the night?”
I couldn’t help but wince at that. “Josiah-”
“And even if I take my fucked-up mind and lack of a home off the table, what does that leave this mystery woman with?” he went on.
“Since I’m too old to have children, and I’m barely getting used to showers, all that leaves her with is a project that will keep falling apart, Pepper. Yeah, no thanks.”
“That’s not fair,” I said, speaking out of turn. “You’re not giving yourself enough credit, Josiah.”
“And you’re giving me too much,” he shot back. “However, when it comes to the subject of just how damaged I am, since you’ve never seen me have a meltdown, I’d hardly call you an expert.”
That hurt.
That hurt, but he was also right.
I was putting my feelings before his experiences, and I was talking to him like I knew him better than he knew himself, and that was just stupid.
I was acting like knowing him for a month made me so in tuned with what he thought and felt, and that wasn’t the case at all.
I was arrogantly remarking on something that I knew nothing about, and it was hard not to feel stupid and ashamed.
A shower, haircut, and some new clothes had only changed Josiah’s appearance, none of it had changed what he’d gone through and was still going through, and I really was a fucking idiot.
“You’re right,” I said, straightening my back, ready for the reprimand that I deserved.
“I’m sorry. I’m asking questions like I know what you’re going through, and I don’t.
I’m also not a professional to comment on what kind of progress you are or aren’t making.
” I let out a heavy sigh, making sure to look him in those dark bedroom eyes of his.
“I was overstepping, and I really am sorry.”
“Christ, you’re a piece of work,” he muttered as he dragged his hands down his face, and I could feel my stomach dip with the insult.
“Maybe I am,” I conceded. “But it never comes from a bad place.”
Josiah shot me a look as he let out another deep breath. “That’s not what I meant, Pepper.”
“It’s fine-”
“I didn’t mean it like you’re a bad person or have bad intentions,” he said, talking over me.
“I just meant that I never know what to expect from you, and that can be both a good thing and a bad thing. A person like me need stability, and you’re a.
..Christ, you’re like a rollercoaster of life.
You’re upbeat, friendly, strong, capable, outgoing, motivated, and just..
.you’re a lot. You’re everything. You’re like life personified, something always happening around you.
Jesus, even when I’ve seen you speaking with your friend, Roxanne, you sign like you’re saying your final goodbyes before a meteor’s bout to strike us all dead.
You’re...alive, Pepper. You’re alive, and that’s all that I meant. ”
I’d never heard such a complimentary rejection in all my life, and though Josiah had delivered it beautifully, rejection still sucked. He’d said that I wasn’t the woman for him, and now I had to figure out what to do with all my feelings for him.
“I understand.”
“What is it that you think you understand?” he asked, his voice dark again.
“That I’m not for everyone, and that I should learn how to mind my own business,” I said, glad that my voice didn’t waiver.
Josiah let out a dark laugh, and I had no idea how I kept making things worse.
~
Josiah~
Pepper Milo was beautiful and insane. I mean, she had to be insane if she thought that she wasn’t for everyone. In fact, she was the perfect person that everyone should have in their life, and I was a dick, taking my frustrations of my life out on her.
“That’s also not what I meant,” I clarified for her.
“While, yes, sometimes it’s imperative to mind your own business, do you honestly believe that I’m offended by your concern?
Because I’m not. I’m simply trying to explain that your version of happily-ever-after is no longer an option for me, Pepper.
As much as we’d like to believe that love conquers all, it doesn’t.
It doesn’t, and so when it doesn’t, then we have to learn to navigate around that loss. ”
“You’re only forty-seven, Josiah,” she said, facing me down like I wasn’t a foot taller than she was. “You talk like there’s nothing more out there for you, and that’s not true.”
While this might cost me my new beginning, I knew that I had to tell her the truth.
The last thing that I needed was for Pepper’s good intentions to push me towards blind dates that I had no interest in, and she seemed the type.
She was so invested in everyone having their own little brand of happiness that she even got along with her ex-husband to the point that they were actually friends, and that shit was just wild to me.
Walking further into her office, I didn’t stop until I was around her desk, standing in front of her, and despite that one pantleg was longer than the other, her shirt was untucked, and her blonde hair was braided into a contraption that was coming undone, I’d never seen anything so goddamn beautiful in my life.
Pepper always looked like a lovely smatter of chaos, and I’d be willing to bet my life that she was just as uninhibited in bed as she was in her everyday life.
“Do you want the absolute truth about what’s going on with me?”
She immediately nodded. “Of course.”
I held her gaze as I said, “Every single fucking time that Kenneth Query comes into this shop, I want to punch his smug face in.” Pepper’s blue eyes widened in shock.
“Every time that I catch Jacob and Dustin checking out your ass, the fact that they’re minors in high school is the only thing that keeps me from smacking them upside their heads.
Every time that you get a male customer, and he’s not over sixty, under thirty, or married, I get annoyed as fuck, Pepper.
So, if you want to talk about where my mind is when it comes to dating. ..well, there you have it.”
“Why...” She had to clear her throat, and it was taking everything in me not to just throw myself on her mercy. “Why haven’t you...you said anything?”
“And what am I going to say, Pepper?” I asked, my voice doing that thing that it did whenever my emotions were running high. “In what world would a woman like you want to go out with a guy like me?”
“Don’t do that,” she replied through clenched teeth. “Your current circumstances don’t define who you are as a person. Quit talking like you have nothing to offer.”
“You know what else doesn’t define a person?” I shot back. “A random act of kindness, Pepper. Me saving you that night doesn’t automatically make me a hero.”
“Maybe not,” she conceded. “But I’d say that twenty years of military service does.”
She really was going to be the death of me.
“Because I’m not lying about that?” I challenged.
“I can’t see how when Officer Morton did a check on you,” she flung back, thinking herself victorious with that little gem.
“And what about the rest?” I asked. “How do you know that I’m not homeless because I’m a drug addict or alcoholic? How do you know that I didn’t enjoy killing all those people overseas? How do you know that I’m really a decent person, Pepper?”
“Don’t do that,” she practically yelled. “You’re painting a narrative that’s not true just to win this argument.”
“I’m trying to save you from yourself,” I corrected, and it was probably the worst thing that you could say to a grown person. No one liked to be treated like a na?ve child.
As expected, Pepper’s head reared back as those blue eyes of hers came alive with fire. “Excuse me?”
Taking a step back-lest she slap the shit out of me-I said, “I just want you to be safe, Pepper. Not everyone that you meet is a good person.”
“I know that,” she snapped. “I’m not an idiot, Josiah.”
“Then quit acting like one,” I fired back.
“Set your sights on someone that has something to offer you, Pepper. Find a man that can, at the very least, invite you back to his house to watch a movie or whatever. Don’t let your gratefulness for what I did confuse you into thinking that you have any real feelings for me, because you probably don’t.
You’re just feeling extremely thankful for what I did. ”
The woman looked pissed.
“So, not only am I too stupid to trust my instincts, but now I don’t know what I feel,” she replied, an angry heat lacing each word. “Is that it?”
“Maybe it’s me who doesn’t know what they feel,” I said, driving the knife in deeper.
“Have you ever thought about that? Maybe I’m the one confusing what I feel with gratefulness.
Maybe instead of genuine attraction, it’s just me feeling appreciative of the first person that’s been nice to me in years. ”
Instead of coming back with the fire still in her eyes, she said, “Maybe you’re right. Hell, maybe we’re not even friends, and I really am nothing but your boss, making you nothing but my employee.”
Yeah, I hadn’t been expecting that.
Quickly backtracking before I ruined the only good thing to happen to me in years, I said, “That’s not what I meant. I very much consider you a friend, Pepper.”
“Yeah, sure,” she replied, that fire gone like it’d never existed.
“Pepper-”
“We better lock up and head home,” she said, talking over me, done with this conversation. “I’ve got some errands that I need to run, so we better get going.”
Yeah, rejection really was a motherfucker, no matter who delivered it. “I think I’ll walk,” I said, needing some air. “I could use the exercise.”
“Yeah, because loading up trucks and fixing shit around here all day clearly isn’t exercise,” she retorted, but didn’t fight me on it. “Well, since you’re a big boy, I’m sure you can find your way without my help.”
I watched as Pepper grabbed her phone and purse, then walked out of her office, leaving me to close up shop, and that’s when I realized just how upset she was.
She’d left me alone to secure one of the most important things in her life, and it wasn’t because she trusted me.
It was because I had hurt her enough for her not to care, and the pressure in my chest was making it hard to breathe.
I needed to talk to her as soon as she got home.
I also needed an emergency counseling session.