Josiah
~
I had walked around town for over three hours, but that hadn’t been anything unfamiliar to me. I also knew every inch of the town, so used to not wanting to be seen, I had managed to hide from the world for a short while before having to return to face the music.
I had also wasted a lot of minutes on my phone by logging onto Veterans Together, doing everything that I could to stave off an episode.
While it was often said that stress or high emotions were a trigger, I wasn’t that blessed.
The nightmares came when I was dead asleep, no high emotions or stress anywhere in sight.
So, for me, it was more like a roulette wheel kind of illness.
At any rate, walking through the unlocked gate, I rounded the corner to see Pepper sitting on the back porch step, waiting for me, and I had to give it to the woman, she had balls and wasn’t afraid of a confrontation.
As soon as she saw me, she said, “I wasn’t sure if you were coming back.”
I walked over to where she was sitting, then sat down next to her, looking out at the pristine landscape that I now kept for her. “I’m stubborn, not stupid.”
“That’s debatable,” she retorted, and I let her have that because I owed her.
After a few seconds of silence, I said, “Pepper, I consider you a friend. So, no matter what else you got from that...that argument or whatever that was, please know that I really do think of you as a friend. Probably my only one at this point.”
From my peripheral, I could see Pepper turn to look at me. “And what if I want to be more than just friends?”
Jesus Christ.
“You’re direct, I’ll give you that,” I chuckled humorlessly.
“And you’re so used to having nothing that it doesn’t occur to you that you could have everything,” she replied seriously, and I couldn’t lie and say that her words didn’t sting a bit.
“Why are you making this complicated, Pepper?” I asked, finally turning to look at her. “What’s wrong with baby steps? Why does everything have to be this...this big boom with you?”
I watched her swallow her embarrassment at being judged, but she really was a lot stronger than what most people probably gave her credit for.
“Because I only get to live this life once, Josiah,” she said.
“Even if reincarnation is real, I only get to live this life once, and I don’t want to live it scared.
When I’m finally on my deathbed, I want to be lying there with memories full of happiness, regret, success, and failure.
I want to feel excited at being alive, and if that makes me.
..too much for some people, then that’s just too damn bad.
I’m not going to apologize for wanting to get the most out of life. ”
“Pepper-”
“And that’s the difference between me and you, Josiah,” she went on, cutting me off.
“You think that saving me that night was no big deal, but because I know that I’ll only be here once, you saving me gave me a lot more time with my daughter, my parents, my friends, and my shop.
You added time to my life, and there are a lot of people that never get that chance. ”
“You don’t know that,” I argued. “That man could have just been here to rob you and nothing more.”
“Because you think that I would have let him?” she fired back. “Do you think I’m the type of person that wouldn’t defend herself?”
I stared into her blue eyes, knowing the answer. “No, I don’t think you are.”
“Look, I wasn’t trying to make anything complicated by wanting to know more about you,” she said, and it sounded just so wrong when she said it like that.
“And I apologize for overstepping. Despite how we met and that you work for me, your life really isn’t none of my business, and neither are your thoughts, feelings, or nightmares. ”
“Pepper-”
She put her hand up to stop what I’d been about to say.
“And despite that my feelings are out there, nothing about this is complicated, Josiah. I decided to let you know how I feel, you decided to return the favor, and now there’s nothing to do but deal with it like adults.
” She stood up, and I could feel my heart getting lodged in my throat.
“Now, I can’t force you to stay or still work for me, but I can assure you that I’m very capable of keeping things professional, regardless of my big boom personality.
” Her expression was as serious as I’d ever seen it when she added, “I’ll see you at breakfast, and if I don’t, then at least have the decency to give me a formal resignation, so that I can give you your last check. ”
I stood up, doing my best to keep my chaotic emotions in check. “You think that I’m going to quit now?”
“You’re the one who keeps pointing out that I don’t really know you, so I have no idea what you’re going to do,” she answered, her voice a clipped obligation.
“All I’m asking is that you let me know if you’re leaving, so that everyone at the shop doesn’t start wondering if something bad happened to you. ”
“Everyone but you?” I questioned, not being able to keep the irritation out of my voice.
“I’ll already know what happened to you, remember?” she replied evenly.
I didn’t like Pepper being upset with me, and that was probably all the proof that I needed to recognize that I was already in over my head with her.
I was also man enough to admit that I was scared of taking the next step because she really didn’t know what she was getting into with me.
If she’d seen me have an episode, then that’d be different.
Going through something like that with me would give her a clear picture of what she’d be signing up for, which would make things so much fucking easier.
However, right now, all she knew was the stable Josiah Austin, and he was just an illusion.
What she knew wasn’t real.
“I’ll see you at breakfast,” I told her, meaning it.
“We’ll see,” she replied quietly, and the doubt in her voice felt like a slug to the chest. Despite my claims to never let her down if I could, I was doing just that.
“Pepper, I’m sorry-”
“I don’t want you to be sorry, Josiah,” she said as she stepped towards the backdoor. “I just want you to show up to breakfast tomorrow and prove that you’re not the type of man to throw away all of your progress just because of some inconvenient feelings that will go away soon enough.”
Wow.
“Just like that?” I asked as she opened the door.
“Just like that,” she assured me before going into the house.
~
Pepper~
After calling to check on Leah and Tullie, I’d had no choice but to call Roxanne for some advice.
I couldn’t believe how badly I’d messed up with Josiah, and if he left, I’d never forgive myself.
When I’d been waiting for him to come home, I had vowed that I’d put myself in his shoes and to be the type of person that listened, but I had failed miserably.
Instead of letting him talk, I’d made it about my feelings again, and I’d gotten no closer to understanding what he was going through.
At any rate, after I’d left him on the back porch, I’d gone inside, taken a shower, then had gotten into bed like I was eighty, not forty-five.
Then, once I’d gotten comfortable, I had called Leah to see how things were going, and after assuring me that the law saw her as a legal adult, I had talked to Tullie for a bit, letting him reassure me that they were both doing fine.
So, after hanging up with them, I had called Roxanne because that’s what I did whenever I needed advice.
Yeah, I still had my parents for that kind of thing, but parents didn’t know everything about you the way that your best friend did.
Plus, I didn’t want to worry them any more than I’d already had after telling them about the attack.
It’d taken everything to convince my father not to move to Macon.
In fact, it’d been Tullie that had calmed him down, assuring him that I would always be looked after.
Of course, that’d been before he’d gotten the promotion in Colorado, but still.
“Don’t be too hard on yourself,” Roxanne signed. “It’s not an easy situation for anyone.”
I stared into the phone that was propped in my Big Bird hands-free stand. “I just feel so stupid,” I signed back. “I want to apologize, but I have a feeling that I’d only make things worse, if that’s even possible.”
“Pepper, Josiah is a grown man, and maybe it’s time that you start treating him like one,” she signed.
“Though he might be mentally fragile, that doesn’t mean that he’s mentally fragile all the time and doesn’t know his own mind.
Plus, you know nothing about his personal life, Pepper.
How do you know that he’s not scarred from a failed marriage?
Have you ever asked him why he’s not married or has any kids?
I mean, according to you, all he’s talked about so far is his military career and parents, but he’s forty-seven, Pepper. Why isn’t he married or have kids?”
“I don’t know,” I signed back, feeling rather blindsided by how those questions had never occurred to me. “I...I never asked, and he’s never mentioned it.”
“You didn’t ask because you started to like him,” she accused, and she wasn’t necessarily wrong.
“You’re making me feel worse,” I grumbled as I signed.
“That’s not what I’m trying to do,” she assured me.
“I’m only trying to get you to stop for a second and see the reality of what this really is, Pepper.
You really don’t know Josiah, and instead of getting your feelings hurt when he tells you that, you should just recognize it for the truth that it is.
You’re also missing the entire point of his objections. ”
“Which is?”
“He’s trying to protect you, Pepper,” she signed as her face softened. “I don’t think that he’s trying to stifle your impulsiveness so much as that he’s just trying to get you to stop and think before you go all in with a situation that you’re not fully knowledgeable about.”
“God, I’m such an asshole.”
Roxanne just chuckled. “You’re not an asshole. It’s just been a long time since you’ve had some actual interest in a man, and you’re mis-stepping a bit.”
“I really like him,” I admitted. “And, God, the way he looks in only a towel haunts me almost every night.”
“I take it that you’re going through batteries by the pack,” she teased, grinning at me.
“You have no idea,” I sighed as I signed. “The kind that you buy at Costco.”
“Look, if he shows up for breakfast, apologize, and then agree to start over,” she suggested.
“If he agrees, then focus on being his friend first, Pepper. I know that’s hard when feelings are already involved, but you will end up hating yourself if your.
..your insistence ends up causing him an episode.
So, just...let Josiah come to you when he’s ready.
After all, he knows where to find you, right? ”
I nodded. “Yeah, he does.”
“And you never know,” she went on. “Without the pressure of anything else, he might just open up and tell you why he’s not married or has kids, which will definitely give you an insight to how he feels about women and relationships.”
“God, I really screwed this up, didn’t I?”
Her beautiful face softened again. “A little.”
That got a laugh out of me. “You really are good for me, Roxanne Cameron.”
Roxanne just grinned. “I’m the third best thing to ever happen in your life.”
That was our joke, one that we’d been sharing for years. Since our kids were the most important things to us, by default, Royce and Tullie were the second most important things to us because we wouldn’t have our children had it not been for those two men.
“So, best-third-thing-to-ever-happen-in-my-life, how do I get over how stupid I feel?” I asked as I signed my misery. “Because I’m feeling very stupid right now.”
“That I can’t help you with,” she signed back bluntly. “You’re just going to have to let the feeling fuel you into doing better. That’s all I’ve got.”
I laughed, asking, “Do you think that Royce might have some advice?”
“On female emotions?” she laughed, her eyes wide as she signed the question twice.
“I’m desperate here,” I grumbled as I signed back.
“Just...search the internet for the meaning of baby steps, and maybe that will help you,” she teased. “Remember, let the man come to you.”
“And if he never does?”
“Then he wasn’t the one for you, Pepper,” she signed seriously. “And it’s okay if all you two are meant to be is friends. It’s okay to just be what Josiah needs right now and only right now.”
“I love you,” I signed and said.
“I love you more,” she signed and said back, and even all these years later, her voice still shocked me when she used it.
“I’ll talk to you later,” I signed, and Roxanne blew me a kiss before hanging up.
After removing my phone from the stand, I dropped back down on the bed, then stared up at the ceiling, wondering if it was in me to be able to pull this off.
I’d been so...so quiet and invisible for so many years, and I didn’t want to go back to that.
I hadn’t felt comfortable in that stranger’s skin, and I’d felt so liberated after the divorce and opening up the shop.
I’d felt happy.
As I thought about how much I’d have to change in order to pursue Josiah, I realized that maybe we were destined to just be friends. After all, relationships never lasted when you weren’t being true to yourself, and I had the divorce papers to prove it.