Chapter 36
HELENA LAY IN bed, staring at the ceiling, willing herself to sleep.
A soft glow of moonlight streamed through the gap in her curtains.
She was awake to hear the first chirp of birdsong, slowly building into the full symphony of the dawn chorus, marking the start of another day.
Sleep was impossible. How could she, knowing Noah was here?
And Raffy? Just a few minutes away, not, as she had imagined for so long, in some unknown part of New Zealand.
It was all so confusing. She grappled with the duvet, tossing it off, uncomfortably hot.
Her pyjamas stuck to her clammy skin. The sense of peace she had recently been enjoying so deeply had disappeared.
The knowledge that everything was as it should be was suddenly gone.
She felt so uncomfortable, as if she had discovered that Noah had been watching her all this time.
She had thought she was free of his control, but suddenly he was back, and from now on he would be there, lurking around any corner, invading her thoughts as he had done for years.
It felt so strange. Seeing him had brought all the painful memories flooding back, and suddenly she was no longer free.
Instead her mind tormented her with thoughts of him; waves of anger, revulsion, rage and disappointment raced through her, along with the painful lost love she had buried so deeply within.
Kate’s words flashed through her mind, mixing with her own thoughts, becoming one voice echoing over and over again, warning her to stay away.
But that was the biggest problem. She couldn’t get away.
There was no way she was leaving. Her life was here, a life that she had clawed back through blood, sweat and tears.
She had her business now, her friends, her new home.
There was no way she was giving all that up to escape him.
Finally abandoning any attempt at sleep, Helena pulled on her dressing gown and went downstairs to get on with some work.
*
‘Coffee?’ Helena asked, reaching for an extra mug as Margery came to join her in the kitchen, wrapped in her quilted dressing gown. She poured them each a cup from the cafetière that sat beside her laptop.
‘How did you sleep?’ Margery asked.
‘Terribly. You?’
‘Not too bad,’ Margery replied, pouring milk into her coffee and taking a sip.
She peered at Helena over the steaming brim.
Her eyes were full of concern. Helena knew she was worried that she would run back to Noah, despite the reassurance she had given her last night that she had no intention of doing so.
Margery had been blissfully unaware of the drama that had unfolded during the course of the fete.
Having spent the day sitting happily at the tombola stand chatting to Derek and serving punters, she had been absolutely horrified to hear of Noah’s reappearance.
She couldn’t believe she hadn’t noticed him, or Raffy, amongst the crowds.
‘So what are you going to do?’ Margery asked. ‘Will you go over there today?’
Helena nodded. ‘I think I have to. I’ve got to see Raffy.’
‘I still can’t believe they’re back.’
‘Me neither.’
‘Do you want me to come with you?’ Margery asked.
Helena shook her head. ‘No, thanks. I’ll be okay. If he really is here to stay I’m going to have to get used to seeing him.’
‘Will you bring Raffy back here?’ Margery asked.
‘I might, if I’m allowed. If that’s okay with you? Or we might go to the playground. I’ll see what he wants to do. But I think it’s important that I spend some time with him, show him how happy I am to see him.’
‘The upheaval for that poor little boy.’ Margery tutted. ‘He mustn’t know whether he’s coming or going. All this change…’
‘I don’t even know where they’ve been. God knows whether Raf has even been at school?’
‘Well it’s not your responsibility anymore.
’ Helena knew that Margery was trying to be kind but she felt her eyes well up nonetheless.
She knew Raffy wasn’t her responsibility, she supposed he never really had been.
But it felt so weird to have him back in her life yet not have him with her.
It fought against all her natural instincts.
Desperate to escape her mind and gain some kind of clarity, Helena took herself out for a run.
She ran through the woods, pushing herself to go faster, trying to drown out the voices in her head.
She breathed in the pine fresh scent of the woodland.
As the endorphins started to course through her she felt stronger.
She reminded herself that she was not the same woman she had been eleven months before.
She decided that she would be the one to lead the conversation.
She would be the one to set the terms of any future contact between them.
There was only one thing she wanted to achieve, and that was access to Raffy.
If she could make it work so that they could spend some time together then that was all she could hope for.
She stopped to stretch, deep in the woods, watching as particles of dust spiralled in the beams of light that shot through the canopy above, mesmerised by their intricate dance.
She felt her breathing return to normal as her heart rate slowed.
Feeling much calmer, she walked back to Hazel Cottage, hoping she wouldn’t bump into Noah and Raffy on her way home.
It was so disconcerting, not knowing their whereabouts.
Having showered, Helena put on one of her new dresses.
She took pleasure in choosing a bright pink dress with a red trim, something she knew Noah would hate her in.
He would have described it as garish. She carefully applied her makeup, relishing in the fact that Noah no longer had any say whatsoever over her appearance.
She fastened a pair of gold hoops in her ears and pulled her freshly washed hair into a ponytail.
She still felt surprisingly relaxed as she said goodbye to Margery, collected a pail of slops for the pigs, and set off down the lane.
She was so excited about seeing Raffy. She walked past the pond to the village hall; it was a Sunday so the builders weren’t in but she couldn’t stop herself from popping in to have a look at how it was all coming together.
Then she went to feed Podge and Perkins, before taking a turning past the church, and then another turn, finding herself in the one part of the village she rarely visited.
Tucked away behind a small copse of trees, Lavender Cottage was one of the oldest buildings in Hambleton. It was a pretty stone cottage with a thatched roof, covered in a rambling wisteria.
As she approached the gate any sense of calm completely disappeared.
Her palms began to sweat. Her heart rate accelerated rapidly despite her best efforts to focus on her breathing and cling onto the peace of mind she had found on her run.
It was no good. She felt completely helpless with nerves.
She hated that he still had such a hold over her after all this time.
Feeling sick with adrenaline, she forced one step in front of the other, thinking of Raffy: the only incentive she needed to get herself through the gate and up the path.
Taking some deep breaths, she closed her eyes and tried to regain her composure. A few moments later, she knocked on the door. She heard the familiar tread of Noah’s footsteps approaching.
‘Helena,’ he smiled his most charming smile as he opened the door. ‘Come in!’
She stumbled past him, trying to avoid physical contact as he took a step towards her, as if hoping for a hug. He must be mad if he thought she would agree to that.
‘Noah,’ she said, making herself meet his gaze. She tried to give off the impression that she was completely at ease in his company. She wanted him to think that he had no effect on her whatsoever, though nothing could be further from the truth.
He looked her up and down, not giving away a trace of the mental commentary about her appearance she knew would be streaming through his mind. ‘How are you?’ he asked. She couldn’t believe how relaxed he seemed.
‘Fine, thank you,’ she replied. There was a pause. She wanted to let rip with the tangle of emotions that coursed through her, to scream and yell, but instead she forced herself to stay composed. ‘I’m still rather surprised by your sudden reappearance, I must admit.’
‘Yes,’ Noah said. He was wearing a pale blue, slightly crumpled linen shirt.
One she recognised. His skin was tanned.
Her heart pounded as she fought back memories, thoughts of him kissing her, lying pressed up against her in bed.
She mentally shook herself, telling herself it was only natural for her to remember the intimacy they had shared.
It didn’t mean anything. They had been together for a long time, after all.
And she would always find him attractive, anyone would.
She found Johnny attractive too, it didn’t have to mean anything.
He cleared his throat. ‘Are you pleased?’
‘Where have you been all this time?’ she said, ignoring his question. ‘And where’s Raf?’
‘In the garden,’ he replied. ‘We’ve been in London.’
‘London? You didn’t go back to New Zealand?’
‘We did. But we came back.’
‘And your job?’
‘I’m at a new company.’
‘And Raffy? Where has he been at school?’
‘There’s a good school down the road from the flat we’ve been renting.’
‘You’ve taken him out?’
‘Yes. He’s back at St John’s Infants as of Monday.’
‘He’ll be glad of that, at least,’ Helena said, wanting Noah to hear the disappointment in her voice at all the upheaval he had put Raffy through. And for what?
‘He is excited. He’s really missed it.’
She couldn’t help but ask the question, ‘Why are you back, exactly?’