Chapter 36 #2
Noah studied her face. He seemed so calm, so self-assured. ‘We missed you,’ he said. ‘We missed our life. We want it back. You, Hambleton, all of it.’
‘It’s not going to happen,’ she said. Her voice wobbled with emotion. It was strangely high pitched. ‘How can you even think there is a chance after what you did?’
‘I know I let you down, Helena,’ Noah took a step towards her. The look in his eyes was sincere, but she knew better than to believe it. ‘I was in a really bad place. I’ve been seeing someone, a therapist, just as you wanted. And I’ve changed. I’ve really changed.’
Part of her wanted to believe it but a voice kept whispering in her ear that it was all lies, that he would say anything to get his way. After all, she knew better than anyone how manipulative he could be.
‘I don’t believe you. And even if I did. It is way, way too late. I’ve moved on…’
‘Are you with someone else?’
Helena paused. She was surprised how she instantly thought of Johnny. But he didn’t think of her like that. She wanted to be able to answer yes more than anything, to see the look in his eyes if nothing else. But she couldn’t lie, she knew he would see straight through her.
‘No.’
‘Thank god,’ he said, looking genuinely relieved.
‘It doesn’t change anything.’
‘Helena, I love you. Raffy loves you. We have both missed you more than we, more than I, ever realised it was possible to miss someone. I fucked up. I know I did. I am so angry with myself for the way I treated you. And I’m so, so sorry for everything.
But that is in the past now, I want to start again. ’
Helena felt herself move from sadness to rage as his empty promises rang in her ears.
‘You are saying what you think I want to hear. What is it, Noah? Do you miss having all your laundry done for you? Do you miss having your shirts ironed? Do you miss having someone here to take care of Raffy? To cook your meals? To do every single fucking thing I did for you for four years?’ She was shouting now, trembling with anger.
She felt like pummelling him in frustration, she wanted to attack him, to hurt him as he had hurt her.
‘I’m organising someone to help with all that,’ he said. ‘I’ve had to…’ he tailed off. ‘Look, you could still run your new business, I’m not asking you to give anything up. I can see how much it means to you, how much you’ve worked for it…’
Helena had heard enough of his bullshit. It amazed her how manipulative he could be, saying all the right things, trying to convince her that he was a new man. It was too easy for him to pretend. She knew it was all lies, and she couldn’t stand to hear another word.
‘Look, Noah. I can’t stand here and listen to all these empty promises.
I don’t want to hear it. The only thing I want from you is the chance to spend time with Raffy.
If you know what’s good for him, you’ll know how important it is for us to have a relationship again.
’ Noah nodded, but Helena carried on regardless.
‘I would like to spend time with him at the weekends, just me and Raf.’
‘Okay,’ Noah said. She looked at him to see the catch, sure that there would be a but following shortly.
‘Just the two of us,’ she reiterated.
‘So long as that is what you want. He really has missed you, Helena. He speaks about you all the time. He’ll be so excited to see you. And of course I want what is best for him. He is my son. Spending time with you is undoubtedly the right thing for him.’
‘Good,’ she said, still nonplussed that he hadn’t protested.
She had expected him to insist on accompanying any visits, to use it as an opportunity to spend time with her.
Perhaps he really had changed? No. She wouldn’t allow herself to believe it.
It was all part of his plan, no doubt carefully thought out to secure himself the result he wanted.
‘Fine,’ he said. ‘We can agree a time that suits you.’
‘And today? Can I take him out now? For an hour or so?’
Noah nodded. ‘If you want. You are obviously welcome to stay here too.’
‘I’d rather not,’ she said. ‘We can go back to my place, or go for a walk.’
‘And where exactly is your place?’
‘Hazel Cottage.’
‘Ah. With that old woman…’
‘Her name is Margery,’ Helena bristled.
‘That’s right.’
‘She has been wonderful to me. Ever since you kicked me out onto the street.’
‘Helena, I’m sorry about that. There was no easy way to do it. I couldn’t afford two leases and—’
‘You could have fucking well told me,’ she said, through gritted teeth, unable to stop herself boiling over once again. ‘You knew I had no money. Where did you think I was going to go? If it wasn’t for Margery…’
Noah sighed. ‘Look, shall we go and get Raffy?’ He clearly wanted to avoid that particular conversation. ‘He’s been playing in the treehouse at the end of the garden at every opportunity since we arrived.’
She shook herself, realising there was no point in going back over it all.
She couldn’t hope to achieve anything in doing so, she would end up infuriating herself.
She followed him out into the garden, watching as Noah called Raffy’s name.
Her heart soared as he looked up and saw her, the joy in his eyes unmistakeable.
He squealed with excitement and scrambled down the ladder, sprinting across the grass.
‘Helena!’ he cried, as she span him around.
‘We’re going to have a playdate,’ she said, crouching down next to him. ‘Just you and me!’
‘We are?’ he asked, his eyes rounding in delight. ‘Cool!’
‘Where do you want to go? We can go to the playground? Or the woods? Or we can go to my house? Do you remember Margery? And Trevor, Tammy and Terry? That’s where I live now. The dogs would love to see you!’
This clearly won Raffy over, ‘Yes please! Let’s go and see the dogs.’ He looked up to Noah for approval as he took Helena’s proffered hand.
‘Off we go then,’ Helena said, suddenly desperate to get away from him. ‘I’ll bring him back in time for lunch.’
‘12.30 p.m.?’ Noah suggested.
‘Fine,’ Helena replied. She walked back up the lawn, followed by Noah, listening to Raffy as he told her about his new treehouse den.
She felt tense with Noah walking behind her, half expecting him to reach out and spin her around, to laugh in her face for her naivety in thinking he would let her walk off with his son like that.
She could picture the sardonic sneer he would have on his face.
Her heart pounded as they walked through to the front door.
She opened it and turned, checking that Noah was really going to let them leave.
‘Bye,’ he said, still seeming unperturbed. ‘Have fun.’
‘See you later Dad,’ Raffy smiled.
Noah went back into the house and shut the door.
Helena let out a shaky exhale. She couldn’t believe it had been that straightforward.
Fighting confusion, sure there was some ulterior motive to Noah’s pleasant civility, she pushed all thoughts from her mind and focused on Raffy.
Relishing the weight of his small hand in hers, knowing how much she had missed it, she set off through the village back to Hazel Cottage.
‘So Daddy told me you’re starting back at school tomorrow?’ she asked.
‘I know! It’s going to be so weird. I can’t wait to see all my friends. I’m going to have a new teacher. I haven’t met her yet. I hope she’s nice.’ Raffy’s chatter was just as constant as it always had been.
‘I’m sure she will be. What was your other school like?’
‘It was okay,’ Raffy shrugged. ‘I’m glad we’re back here though. I prefer it.’
‘I’m so glad too.’
‘Are you going to live with us again?’ he asked, squinting up at her in the bright sunshine.
Her heart wrenched at the hope in his eyes. ‘Sadly not, Raf. Things have changed… I live with Margery now, and the dogs. And I love it there. I hope we can still see each other lots, at the weekends. I’ve missed you!’
‘I’ve missed you too.’
‘Did you like New Zealand? Your dad said you were there for a while.’
‘It was cool.’
‘What did you do?’
‘Um, I can’t really remember.’ Helena realised she wasn’t going to get much out of him. Getting a seven year old to think back to last week was a lot to ask, let alone last year.
‘Did you see your granny?’
‘I think so,’ Raffy said, already distracted by the sight of Podge and Perkins up ahead.
He began to race towards them, pulling Helena along with him.
‘Podge! Perkins!’ he called excitedly. ‘Did you know pigs are actually very clever, some pigs can even swim? And did you know that pigs will eat anything, even human bones?’ He continued to regale Helena with a string of newly acquired facts about pigs.
Helena laughed as she watched him throw clumps of grass into the mud, she had forgotten how animated he became when he was interested in something.
When he had finally tired of Podge and Perkins, they continued walking towards Hazel Cottage. He stopped in his tracks at the gate to Banham Cottage. She watched his face to see his reaction, but it was impossible to tell what he was thinking.
‘Is it strange seeing our old house?’ Helena asked.
‘Yes,’ Raffy said quietly.
‘It’s strange for me too,’ Helena said, reaching for his hand and giving it a squeeze.
‘Does somebody else live there now?’ he asked.
‘Yes.’ Helena was about to explain exactly who when a riot of yapping barks erupted from Hazel Cottage as Margery threw open the door. Raffy ran through the open gate and crouched down beside the dogs who delighted in covering their appreciative visitor in licks.
‘Raffy,’ Margery said. ‘It’s so good to see you!’
Tammy, Trevor and Terry yelped happily as Raffy stroked their tummies and picked them up for cuddles. He said hello to Margery, rather shyly, and politely accepted a glass of squash from her.