Chapter 39
SHE CALLED THE dogs inside, locked the back door and grabbed her keys.
She slammed the front door behind her, locking up before starting to run through the village towards Lavender Cottage.
Breathless, she turned up the road towards the cottage, flinging open the gate and racing up to the front door.
She rapped on the door, tense with anticipation as to what she might find inside.
She half expected Noah to open it with Raffy in his arms, floppy and unresponsive.
She was certainly not expecting what happened next. There was no answer so she pushed open the door.
It was dark inside, save for the flickering lights of what appeared to be hundreds of candles.
Every surface was covered with glowing nightlights, lighting a pathway through the hallway and out into the garden beyond.
Her mind whirled as she tried to process what she was seeing.
Clearly, Noah had got her there under false pretences.
There was nothing wrong with Raffy. He must have used the text as a ploy, knowing she wouldn’t have come in any other circumstance.
Unable to resist her curiosity, she followed the pathway of candlelight.
Noah was standing on the patio, which was also covered in candles.
He was holding an enormous bunch of red roses; a bottle of champagne rested in an ice bucket on the table beside him next to two sparkling flutes.
Crackling jazz could be heard playing through the open window as Noah smiled, before presenting her with the bouquet.
Helena was dumbfounded. She couldn’t think of a single word to say.
The reprimand for scaring her unnecessarily, for lying about Raffy, seemed stuck in her throat.
‘Don’t say anything, please,’ he silenced her, taking a step towards her. She opened her mouth to talk but nothing came out. ‘Helena, I’m sorry about the text. I couldn’t figure out another way to get you here, in private.’
She blinked. She knew she should turn on her heel and run but she appeared to be frozen to the spot. ‘I have something I need to ask you,’ he continued.
As if in slow motion, he got down on one knee.
‘Noah—’ she said, suddenly realising what was happening. Her heart rate quickened.
‘Please, don’t say anything,’ he repeated.
‘Just hear me out.’ He took a deep breath.
‘Helena, I love you. I have loved you since the moment we met. I know that I fucked everything up when I left. I know that I let you down more than words can describe, and for that I am truly sorry. But I’d like to spend the rest of my life making it up to you.
I want us to be a proper family again. You, me and Raffy.
To have a fresh start. Let’s make this work between us, once and for all.
’ He held out a small velvet box. Releasing the clasp it sprang open to reveal a proper engagement ring.
Not a simple gold band like he had given her before and which now lay at the bottom of the pond, but a sparkling sapphire and diamond ring. ‘Helena Beale, will you marry me?’
Helena’s head span. She had absolutely no idea what to say. She felt as if she must be dreaming, the scene she had pictured for so many years had just played out before her very eyes. Noah had finally offered her everything she had dreamed of: marriage, to officially be Raffy’s mum.
‘I… I…’ She stammered, mentally shaking herself, trying to get a grip, to at least formulate some kind of coherent response.
Noah was standing again now, taking the ring and pushing it on to the fourth finger of her left hand.
She couldn’t help but stare at it, there on her finger, so breathtakingly beautiful.
He pulled her towards him, lowering his face towards hers.
She knew he was about to kiss her. Part of her wanted to melt into his arms, to embrace the fairy-tale ending she had dreamed of for so long.
But this wasn’t happening a year ago, when she would have been desperate for nothing more.
This was now. Things were different. Irreversibly, irreparably different.
Or were they? As his lips grazed hers, she suddenly wasn’t so sure.
Could it be as she’d always hoped? Was it such a bad idea?
Had he really changed? His lips were soft, familiar, and for a moment she melted into him, ready to kiss him back.
But then she heard Nathalie’s voice ringing in her ears; it was all too easy to say the words, but they were, after all, only words.
Barely had the thought formed in her mind before she found herself pushing him away.
She just couldn’t do it. It didn’t feel right.
‘Noah. Stop. Please,’ she said, struggling out of his grip and staggering backwards.
‘I’m sorry,’ she continued. ‘I don’t know what just happened here but—’
A flicker of irritation glanced across Noah’s face. ‘What happened, Helena, was that I proposed to you.’
‘Well yes, I know that,’ she said. ‘I just… where did that even come from?’
‘It’s been a long time coming. I should have done it years ago.’
‘But… marriage? You don’t want that…’
‘I do.’ His eyes gave nothing away. She couldn’t help feel as if he must be lying.
‘Noah. You can’t do this to me. You can’t show up here, act like you’ve changed, and make me all these promises. It’s not fair…’
‘Why not? I mean them. This is all real. I’m serious. I have changed, and these promises are genuine. It’s what I want, for all of us. I truly believe we can make this work, that we can be a family again.’ He was looking into her eyes, holding her gaze, and he sounded as if he meant every word.
She hesitated. ‘Noah, I’m sorry. I—’
‘Look, Helena. I know this is a lot to take in. You don’t need to answer me straight away. Think about it, and when you are ready, come and find me. You know where I am…’
Helena nodded. Her mouth felt unbearably dry, her heart was racketing against her ribcage like a caged bird desperate to escape. She had to get away. She had to think.
She had never felt so confused. On the one hand, Noah was offering her everything she had wanted for so long.
If she said yes, she would have financial security, a stable home, she would officially be Raffy’s stepmother, she wouldn’t be single anymore.
If she said no, she would have none of that, but she wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who had been so cruel to her for so long, someone who could still have the potential to hurt her, to destroy her new-found self-esteem in an instant.
She didn’t know if she could trust him again, she didn’t know what to believe, whether he was telling the truth about having seen the error of his ways.
Surely it would only be a matter of time before he did it again.
Would it really be any different? Could it be?
She shook her head, trying to find some clarity. It was no good, she had to get away from him, from the extraordinary position she found herself in. ‘I think I better go,’ she said. ‘I’m sorry. This is so much to take in…’
Noah clenched his jaw. He looked disappointed. ‘I understand,’ he said. ‘I’ll be waiting for your reply. But Helena, please, this is serious. I’m not trying to play games here. I’ve had a long time to make this decision, and I’m not going to change my mind.’
Helena looked down, edging the ring off her finger to give back to him.
‘Keep it on,’ he said. ‘Please. It’s yours.’
She hesitated, not sure whether it was the right thing to do. She didn’t want to push her luck, she realised she was still scared of the reaction that disobeying him might provoke. He picked up the roses, ‘Take these, too,’ he said.
Taking a deep breath, she accepted the bunch of roses, turned on her heel, and walked away.
Tears filled her eyes as she left the cottage and ran down the path out onto the road.
What the hell had just happened? Her mind ached with the impossibility of it all.
It was typical of Noah, really, to take so much away from her only to return it tenfold. To put her in this position at all.
Without being conscious of it she realised she was approaching Nathalie’s house, not her own. She realised how much she needed to talk to her friend.
As she rounded the corner she opened the gate and made her way up the paving stone path that led to the front door. The light was on in the kitchen. She glanced over, hoping Nathalie was still up.
Her heart skipped a beat as she realised Nathalie was not alone.
She stopped in her tracks.
Johnny.
They were standing there, holding each other in a tender embrace.
Nathalie’s eyes were closed, her arms around him, her head on his chest, lost in the moment.
Helena felt as if she had been slapped in the face.
She had been right all along. What was happening to her?
It was one shock after another. It felt wrong to be standing there, watching them when they thought they were in private.
She turned on her heel and ran, the roses flapping behind her.
Tears started streaming down her face now.
Hot, salty, burning tears. Sobs caught in her throat.
She stopped and bent over her knees, trying to catch her breath, which wasn’t coming easily.
She scolded herself for having such an extreme reaction to the sight of her two best friends together.
She should be happy for them. What was wrong with her?
It was what she had always suspected, after all.
Why was it so hard for her to get her head around?
Choking on emotion, she tried to make sense of it all.
But she couldn’t help it. All she felt was jealousy.
And not just of the two of them for having each other.
But of Nathalie. One of her best friends in the whole world.
She was jealous because Nathalie had Johnny.
Suddenly she was aware of something else, something she had been suppressing for months now, an overwhelming desperate ache deep in her core.
The truth refused to be silenced. It screamed at her.
She wanted Johnny. She was in love with him.
She had suppressed it so forcefully for fear of admitting to the world’s greatest unrequited love.
She knew he didn’t think of her that way.
She hadn’t allowed herself to admit that the feelings she had for him had long ago moved past friendship and into something much, much deeper.
It was so obvious now. So hopelessly, tragically obvious.
Johnny. With his dark curls, his crinkly eyes, his booming laugh, his smile.
It was Johnny that she looked forward to seeing more than anyone else.
It was his opinion she cared about more than any other.
It was his voice she longed to hear, his arms she longed to run to when she needed someone.
Suddenly feeling as if she might vomit, she closed her eyes and willed it all to disappear.
But the face that was burned on her retinas was not Noah’s, not the man she actually had the chance of a future with.
Not the man who had just given her a diamond ring.
But Johnny. Her best friend, her closest ally, her confidante, her greatest support act…
and now confirmed as her best friend’s boyfriend.
How could this be happening? Flushed with nausea, her pulse hammering in her ears and her palms sweating, Helena stumbled home.
She was relieved to see that the lights were still out at Hazel Cottage.
She couldn’t face seeing anyone right now and thankfully Margery’s car was still nowhere to be seen.
Helena unlocked the front door and stepped inside.
Sobbing uncontrollably, she walked mindlessly into the kitchen and filled a vase with water.
She didn’t want the roses. She didn’t want any of it.
But there was no way she could let a bunch of flowers that beautiful go to waste.
On autopilot, she cut the stems and placed the bouquet in water.
She sat numbly at the kitchen table, staring at the wall, trying to make sense of it all.
If she married Noah, she could risk the erosion of her new-found self-worth – and she couldn’t bear the return to the aching loneliness she had felt in that relationship.
But things might be different. She would insist on proper communication, on him continuing his therapy.
She wouldn’t put up with any of the behaviour she had tolerated before.
And she would be Raffy’s stepmother, officially this time.
Most importantly, she had a job and she had friends; this time, she would not be so isolated because she had Margery, Nathalie and Johnny.
Then she realised with a jolt that if she didn’t marry Noah, her loneliness could be tenfold, because with Nathalie and Johnny a couple, she would lose both of them eventually too.
Hearing Margery’s car crunch the gravel on the drive, she quickly stood up.
She couldn’t talk to her. She needed space, and time to sort out the rambling confusion that was going on inside her head.
To knock some sense into herself, and to make the biggest decision she would ever have to make in her life.
She quickly went upstairs to her bedroom and pulled the door closed.
She took the ring off her finger and stared at it, twisting it this way and that, watching the precious stones reflecting thousands of pricks of light from the bedside table lamp into the darkness.
She placed the ring on her bedside table, turned off her light and closed her eyes.