Chapter 40
MERCIFULLY, SHE HAD actually slept, a miracle in itself after the dramatic events of the night before.
That morning, she had lain in bed for as long as she could bear to be alone with her thoughts, considering her options.
The light of day had brought with it a new clarity.
She knew what she was going to do, the only thing she could do, given the realisation of her true feelings for Johnny.
She knew now that she had secretly been aware of her feelings for him for a long time.
He was the person she thought about more than any other.
He was the person she longed to hear from, the person who made her heart leap with joy when he picked up the phone or sent her a message, the person who lit up the room every day when he came into the café.
She couldn’t believe how much she had been able to fool herself, and for how long, that it was nothing more than friendship on her part.
It was amazing how blinkered you could be to an inconvenient truth.
She had been awake since the crack of dawn, replaying Noah’s proposal over and over in her mind.
She had weighed up all her options, trying to decide what to do, knowing that her next choices would define the rest of her life, needing to make sure that she was seeing the bigger picture, taking everything into consideration.
Helena could hear voices coming in from the garden as she came down the stairs.
She realised that one of the voices belonged to the person she had been thinking about non-stop for the past twelve hours.
The man she had last seen wrapped in a tender embrace with Nathalie.
Her heart stopped in its tracks at the sight of him, she felt winded by the impact he had on her.
She wanted to run over to him and jump in his arms, she wanted to inhale the spiced, woody scent of him.
She wanted to drag him upstairs and lie with him in bed for the rest of time.
Instead, she cleared her throat, suddenly unbearably awkward around him.
‘You’re here early for a Sunday!’ she said.
Johnny looked awkward too, could he sense a change in her, she wondered? Was it that obvious? ‘Just dropping off a honeysuckle for Margery.’
‘It’s an early birthday present!’ Margery grinned.
‘How lovely. How was your dinner last night?’ Helena managed a wobbly smile, trying to act as normally as possible around Johnny, though it suddenly seemed an impossible feat.
She would be amazed if he couldn’t tell she was acting strangely.
She felt as though she had the words ‘I love you’ etched on her forehead for all to see.
‘Derek did a great job. Though he needed a bit of help. Not that I’m much of an expert myself. He’s really enjoying his new-found love of the kitchen. It was the first time he had cooked dinner for a lady in all of his life! Can you believe it?’
‘Wow! Aren’t you the lucky one!’ Helena forced a laugh.
‘Oh I am dear, I certainly am,’ Margery’s smile said it all. She looked like a smitten teenager.
‘Steady on Aunty Marge! I’ll have to have a word with Derek at this rate, to make sure his intentions are honourable!’ Johnny laughed.
‘I can assure you his intentions are nothing but honourable. We’re far too past it for all that business, anyway.’
‘Did he give you these gorgeous roses?’ Johnny asked. ‘What a smooth operator.’ He bent to examine them more closely. ‘They’re beautiful.’
At this Margery shot an astute look at Helena, mischief twinkling in her eyes. ‘No! I must confess, those are not my roses,’ she winked. ‘Have you something to tell us, Helena? A secret admirer perhaps?’
Johnny shot up so quickly he smacked his head on the corner of the cupboard above him.
‘Ow!’ he cried as he rubbed his hairline. ‘Jesus!’
‘Well, I had a bit of a strange evening myself,’ Helena admitted hesitantly. ‘Noah texted me after the class, begging me to come over, saying he was worried that Raffy had been taken ill.’
‘Oh god. Was he alright?’ Margery asked.
Johnny was watching her carefully, a look of horror dawning as he clearly began to suspect who the roses were from.
‘I rushed over there as fast as I could. When I got there, I found Noah in the garden, surrounded by candlelight, with roses, music, champagne…’ Helena tailed off.
She looked at Johnny and her heart lurched.
He seemed a little pale. His eyes appeared to be brimming with emotion.
Perhaps he was a romantic at heart, no doubt he was planning on doing something similar for Nathalie at any moment. ‘He got down on one knee and proposed.’
‘Holy shit!’ Johnny said, reaching up to run his fingers through his hair. He seemed less than pleased with the prospect.
‘No! What did you say?’ Margery gasped.
‘I said I needed to think about it.’
‘Do you? Need to think about it, I mean?’ Johnny asked. She had never seen him look so concerned.
‘He promised me he has changed. He said that things would be different now, and maybe they would be, now that he has Sandra, that I am back at work. He is trying his hardest to convince me that things between us wouldn’t go back to how they were.’
Margery was speechless. ‘What are you going to say?’ Johnny asked, his expression guarded, as though fighting not to give anything away.
She knew he would be disappointed if she said yes.
He had told her often enough that she deserved better.
But he must know that at this point there was little advice to give, that the only person who could make this decision was her.
Little did he know how desperately she wished it had been him making her those promises, not Noah.
She wanted to blurt out her true feelings, to run into his arms and tell him exactly how she felt.
She couldn’t bear keeping it all to herself like some dirty, shameful secret.
But she knew she could never utter a word, not to anyone.
It would be the ultimate betrayal of their friendship, both to Johnny and Nathalie.
It would change everything, and for what?
Suddenly unable to be in his company for a second longer, terrified she was either about to burst into hysterics or proclaim her undying love, she announced she’d better go, turned on her heel and walked out the door.
‘Well good luck,’ Margery called after her as she purposefully walked down the path, careful not to let the dogs out of the front gate.
Johnny said nothing. Her heart swelled with emotion.
What had she been expecting? That he would chase after her and beg her to say no, to tell her he loved her, that it wasn’t Nathalie he wanted, after all.
This wasn’t a movie. Blinking back tears, trying to keep her pulse at a relatively normal rate, she kept walking.
The ring was burning a hole in her pocket, she reached in and touched it, making sure it was still there.
She knew what she had to do. It was the only choice she had, there was only one path left for her to take.