Chapter 20 Olivia
I re-examine the text from Adam.
Hey. It’s been a couple weeks and I wanted to check in. How’s it going? I have today off and figured, if you’re free, maybe we could grab coffee this afternoon. If busy, maybe later in the week. LMK!
More than that, I desperately need a distraction.
Something to get me out of my head since I had that conversation with Jake on the beach a few days ago.
Previously, I could imagine that sitting on the sand, reading, and watching the ocean would be a regular part of my new life.
But not if I’m going to run into Jake any moment, and reopen that wound of longing and pain.
Of love for a man that I never imagined would go unrequited.
But Jake was clear. He’s curious about me, yes, but he loves Savannah.
I type a reply to Adam.
Sure, coffee would be great. Can do this afternoon, as I’m on dinner shift tonight. Meet you somewhere around 1 p.m.? I can ride downtown. I need the exercise! 24 South or Java Dog?
They’re the two coffee shops I worked at back when I was living downtown and going to design school. Not that they would have any record of me ever being an employee in this world. No more free pastries.
My phone dings.
Perfect. See you at 24 South at 1 p.m.
Looking forward to it :)
It’s a full hour’s ride along the River-to-the-Sea bikeway from Mom and Dad’s house to downtown, and I’ll have to be back by four, so it’ll be a real workout.
And I need it. Too much of Mom’s home cooking, treating me to all my favorite childhood meals, has left me feeling flabby.
And if I’m not eating here, it’s a free dinner on my break at the restaurant, usually some delicious fried fish or a salmon burger.
Just because I’m in a parallel universe doesn’t mean I shouldn’t watch what I eat.
Mom barely suppresses her glee when I tell her I’m going for coffee with Detective Adam Banks, and is more than happy to lend me the bike again.
It’s become almost mine anyways, by default.
I change into white shorts and blue-striped T-shirt, slathering on extra sunscreen, as it’s 94 degrees and I’ll be riding in the midday sun.
I wind my way through the Landfall community and out onto the main road, which links up with the River-to-the-Sea bikeway.
I ride over the bridge that traverses Bradley Creek, near my and Jake’s old home, and past Airdrie Gardens.
Jake and I used to walk to this park, after days of stripping wallpaper from our new home, for the summer concerts last year.
The sun scorches my face, and I’m glad of Mom’s bike helmet protecting my head, my eyes shielded by the cheap sunglasses I bought with tip money.
As I glide along the first stretch of the quiet roadway, the shady parkland each side brings a welcome coolness, and I reach above my head to flutter my fingers through the Spanish moss dripping from the avenue of oak trees.
Interspersed among the parkland are houses, which gradually increase in density until I finally find myself cycling through the edges of downtown.
After a sweaty fifty minutes, I pass the tall spire of the First Presbyterian Church and, with some relief, swing down onto Front Street, with its palm trees and charming historic buildings.
I glide past the red-brick converted warehouse where I rented my first loft, after moving out of my family’s house, and pull up outside the cute 24 South cafe.
Locking my bike and helmet to a traffic meter, I wipe at my forehead and push my sunglasses up onto my head, hoping this will give a much-needed lift to my damp, squished hair.
I’m five minutes early, but Adam is already drinking coffee at one of the two small outside tables on the sidewalk.
He grins at me. “Hope this is okay. It’s in the shade, so I figured we could be outside.
” He’s wearing a pale gray T-shirt that’s dark with moisture on the chest and under the arms, paired with navy shorts and sneakers.
He looks hot . . . in every sense of the word.
I smile as I take a seat across from him, ineffectually fanning my neck with my hand. “Thanks, it’s great. I’ll grab a coffee in a minute. I gotta rest. That was the hottest bike ride ever.”
“I’m impressed. How long did that take you? It’s kinda far.”
I glance at my watch. “Fifty-six minutes.” He grimaces. “But it’s mostly flat. And very pretty.”
Adam glances over to where my bike is locked up. “You know, you’re not supposed to use traffic meters as bike stands.”
I raise my eyebrows with a half-laugh. “Seriously, Detective Banks? All the shit I have going on in my life and that’s what you’re busting my balls about?”
He chuckles. “I have a hard time being off duty.” He gets up, grinning. “I’ll grab you a coffee. What do you want?”
As Adam fetches me an iced latte, I cool off in the shade of the building. Within minutes, he returns with a tall, ombre concoction in a glass topped with a cone of whipped cream and drizzled with caramel.
So much for getting into shape.
“Good thing I have an hour’s ride back,” I laugh. “How many calories does two hours of cycling in hot sun use up?”
Adam joins in my laughter, his gaze clearly admiring as it sweeps across me. “You’re fine.” He resumes his seat, takes a sip from his own coffee. “How have you been? It’s been a couple of weeks since I saw you at the Fourth of July fireworks.”
I spoon a heap of whip, unashamedly, into my mouth.
It dissolves deliciously on my tongue. “I’m okay, I guess.
Same as before. Still a non-person, still living a temporary and unsustainable life, my future a black hole of uncertainty.
But I have a lovely place to live, some nice new friends,” I gesture at him, “and iced coffee with whipped cream on a hot day. So . . . it’s not totally terrible. ”
He takes another sip of coffee. “Any other new friends?”
“Deb, at work, is a lot of fun. A lot older than me, early fifties I’d guess, and super friendly.
We’ve hung out a couple of times after the lunch shift.
She has a daughter away at school and I think she likes to mother me a bit, and she’s probably picked up that something is wrong.
There’s a couple of sweet new young servers at the restaurant, too, but they’re in their late teens and a bit too young to be real friends with. ”
I pause, trying to sip coffee through the hole I made in my cream without getting it on my chin. “I’ve kinda reconnected with Jake Johnson, too. My, uh, ex? My fiancé in another life? I don’t know what to call him.”
Adam places his cup carefully down on its saucer, lining up the handle with the side of the table. He looks like he’s figuring out how he feels about this. “Jake’s the guy you asked us to get in touch with? The one you said you were with at the quarry, the day you fell?”
“Yeah, that’s him. He’s a lawyer, his office is somewhere around here.”
“And you’ve been spending time with him?”
“No, no. Not really,” I shake my head. “We ran into each other at the beach. He has a waterfront condo on Wrightsville, real close to the restaurant where I work. But it’s not anything. He has a long-term girlfriend, Savannah, so it’s not, you know, like that. Like it was.”
Adam frowns into his cappuccino, avoiding my eyes. “But your last memory, from before, was being engaged to him, right? Being in love with him? About to marry him? So, I’m guessing it must still be like that for you. Even if he has no memory, or knowledge, of those events.”
I half-smile at him. “I’ve never been with anyone else. He was my world, so . . . yeah,” I reply, a little sadly. “You don’t just instantly get over something like that. No matter how the other person might feel.”
Adam picks up his cup, narrowing his eyes at me over the rim. He cradles the cup in his hands, blowing out a breath. As if what I just told him caused him visceral pain.
“Liv, look. I guess it’s pretty clear to you by now that I like you.
That I’m . . . you know. Attracted to you.
You’re really great to talk to, and so beautiful.
So goddam intriguing. I mean, you shouldn’t even exist.” He gives a half-laugh.
“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since we met. It’s been driving me crazy.”
“Adam—”
“No,” he cuts in. “Let me finish. This whole deal with you is, if I can put it bluntly, totally fucked up. Christ, I have no idea if you’re an alien from another dimension, or if you have some kind of identity disorder.
Yet I’d be willing to live with all that uncertainty to be with you.
To take care of you.” His brown eyes rise to meet mine, his lashes long and beautiful.
There’s a sadness behind those eyes that I haven’t seen before.
“But, Liv, if you’re in love with another man, and you’re not into taking things further with me, that’s another matter. ”
I put my iced coffee down on the table with a clunk, reaching for his hand over the table. I hate that I am hurting this man, who’s been nothing but kind to me. But I also don’t know him all that well, and he’s asking a lot of me. What can I do?
“I get it,” I tell him honestly. “I really like you, too, and I do want you to be in my life. You’re fun to spend time with, and kind, and you make me feel safe and cared for.
But you know I’m going through all this weirdness, the levels of which are unfathomable.
So, I’m not sure what I have to offer. What I’m capable of offering—”
He swirls his coffee mug, saying nothing.
“—I am sorry. I wish it was easy. I wish it weren’t the case. You’re so comfortable—”
“I don’t want to be the comfortable option, Liv,” Adam mutters, pulling his hand away.
I shrug. “But you are comfortable, and that’s a great thing. We’ve only known each other a little while, and I already feel like I trust you completely. I know you’re a good man. And that a life with you would be a good one.”
Adam drains the last of his coffee. “Yeah, it would. But I’d need to be your first choice, Liv.
And you need to figure out if that’s the case.
” He stands abruptly, scraping back his wooden chair.
“Look, I’m sorry to cut our coffee short, but that’s what I really wanted to say. Now it’s kinda up to you.”
I get up, too, reaching out to give him a slightly awkward side-hug. “I need to figure some stuff out, Adam. But please know that I want you around. I just don’t yet know in what capacity, yet. If you can live with that . . .”
“I’ll be waiting, Liv Grainger.” Adam gives me a close-lipped smile and lifts his fingers to his temple in a tiny salute.
I smile back. “Sounds good. See you soon.”
As I sit, watching Adam stride away along the characterful street in dappled sunshine, it occurs to me that it’s a lot less cheerful at this table without him. It’s strange that, in such a short time, he’s become so important to me.
And he’s definitely cute.
But he’s also being pretty demanding for a guy I’m not even dating. Especially given that he knows I’m going through a lot right now.
I slurp my coffee, watching his back getting smaller and smaller.
Should I even be thinking about taking things further with Adam, when it’s really Jake I want? Admittedly a Jake I’m not sure I know anymore, and a Jake who doesn’t love me.
Is it better to be alone, or be with Adam?