June, this year #4
“It’s been . . . more recent for me, in terms of realizing how I truly feel about you,” I admit, tracing a finger over his chest. “I’ve been getting it all so, so wrong.
But when I did finally figure it out, I realized I’ve felt this way for a long time.
I just never really admitted it to myself, or let myself go there, because there’s just so much more at stake, you know?
Compared with any other guys. You and I, we’re already so close, we already care about each other so much, and there’s Bonnie to think about, and what if it didn’t work out?
” I grimace at the thought. “But I guess it all built up to the point of no return, where the balance was tipped, and it became worth risking everything to tell you. And to where I knew that if you felt the same, if we did get together, that would be . . . it. There’s no question of it not working out.
We already know each other well enough to know that. ”
Another smile tugs his lips wide, reaching his eyes.
“Yep. You’re definitely stuck with me.” He kisses my forehead.
“And sure, there’s a lot at stake, that’s true.
But hey — at least you already know you’ll be good buddies with your sister-in-law.
” He pauses, cringing a little. “I mean . . . you know . . . if we ever get married.”
Married.
He’s already thinking of marrying me.
I chuckle, and lift my face up to reassure him.
“Marriage is definitely something I want one day. And maybe not even that far off. I mean, you and I . . . we’re not exactly starting from scratch here.
” I reach up to push back a thick lock of hair that has fallen over his brow.
“And recently, I guess I’ve realized . .
. not just how I feel about you, but also how important it is to fully live how we want to, while we can.
Because it’s also so fragile, you know? Life, I mean — not how I feel about you.
More like, how tiny things can change the course of events so radically.
We can never know how much time we have. ”
Ben nods, deliberate and thoughtful. “Yeah. And I feel like it’s probably even more so for you, considering the chaos of your own upbringing, all the shit you’ve been through with your parents. I know we’re the closest to a real family you’ve ever had.”
He’s right.
I lift my hand to run a fingernail lightly down his beard.
“You and Bonnie, honestly, you two are my whole world. I mean, I love Mom, of course, but I see you two as my true family. You, in a life-partner way, and of course Bonnie is already a sister to me. No matter what I’m doing in my life, what my career is, where I’m living, that’s incidental. You two are all that really matters.”
We lie in silence for a moment, Ben gazing at the ceiling but seeing something else, me examining his strong profile, the line of his nose, the dip and curve of his mouth. His lips part as he searches for some words.
“I know life feels fragile, but . . . I dunno . . . I feel like you and I can definitely make it work. No matter what happens. And that we’d always have found a way to make it.
Like, even if you hadn’t had the courage to say anything to me tonight, about how you feel .
. . We still would’ve gotten together, one way or another. Eventually. Somehow, you know?”
I smile, and lift my chin to brush my lips to his cheek. “I’m sure there are many universes in which we’re together, all in slightly different ways. And many where we’re not, through bad luck and circumstance. But definitely more where we are. Or will be, eventually. Somehow, like you say.”
He turns his face down to mine. “You’re so philosophical tonight.” He pauses a second, then adds, “What was it that finally broke for you? What tipped the balance?”
I gaze into his eyes, behind which lie a whole galaxy of emotions.
“I’ve been on . . . a bit of a journey, recently.
And I guess it’s led me to recognize and respect that fragility.
Realizing I don’t want to live a life of what-ifs.
What if I never told you how I felt, what if we never got together?
What if we had never even met? What if we had totally different lives.
It’s all so circumstantial. I realized I had to choose my life, and be true to what I want. Grab it while there’s the chance.”
Ben nods, deliberate and thoughtful. “I get that, sure. You need to secure what matters, create as much certainty as possible in an uncertain world. So do I, if I’m honest. For me, after what happened with Mom and Dad .
. . you’re right. We need to live every day how we want to live.
Starting today.” He smiles at me, softly, tracing his thumb along my temple.
“Your studio lease is up next month, you said?” I lift an eyebrow in affirmation.
“Okay, then . . . so, I know this is really fast, but . . . how about you move into the loft with me? I mean, we should probably live together for a minute before I go ahead and, you know, actually propose. You can see what it would feel like to be married to me. Now that we’re fully stuck with each other, and everything. ”
I laugh, and stroke his cheek. “Yes, Ben. I will live with you. I’ll live with you for the rest of our lives.”
He grins, and squeezes me tight. Then he kisses me once more. And again. And again.
THE END