Chapter Twenty – Hear Me
Chapter Twenty
Andie
HEAR ME
Performed by Kelly Clarkson
Cooper’s mouth was doing devilish things to me. Not only those firm lips and velvety tongue that were twisting and twining with mine, but the way his obvious desire found its way into my soul.
I couldn’t think past the weight of him on me, the taste of him in my mouth, the feel of his hand sliding under my sweater. I literally burned for him, fire scorching me from the inside out.
He dragged the sweater over my head and tossed it aside, but when I reached for him, determined to pull his mouth back to mine, he stopped me. In the dim light coming from a butterfly nightlight in the corner, his eyes took me in, skimming over my chest as it heaved.
He glided a finger over the edge of my bra.
“Red, fucking, lace. You’re gonna kill me.”
And then his mouth was on the cup, sucking my nipple through the fabric. My core clenched and swooshed. My body, deprived of intimate human touch for so long, nearly came at the simple touch, the ache building until I thought I might explode.
He eased his hand under my body, flicked my bra clasp with a skilled expertise, and then slowly pulled it off me. His gaze followed the trail of freckles that danced like a necklace over the swells of my breasts into the valley between them.
“Jesus. You’re beautiful, Andie.”
He returned his devotion to my breasts, taking turns with lips and tongue and hand, twisting, nibbling, sucking. I squirmed, body turning hot and loose and soft. I was unable to withstand the pressure, unable to hold back, and I let out a wild mewl as an orgasm shook me.
He lifted his mouth, surprise drifting over his face.
“Did you just come, baby?”
I smiled and shrugged. “I tried to hold back, but I told you. It’s been a long time.”
“Don’t fight it, Havoc. Don’t ever fight it with me. This is where you belong.”
The words coming from Cooper were sweet, packed with a promise of pleasure, and yet ugly memories had me going stiff in his arms.
You’re mine. This is where you belong. I’ll kill you before I let you go.
Maybe if my eyes hadn’t shifted over his shoulder at the same moment, I would have been able to hold off the anxiety attack that followed, but instead, my gaze landed on my dresser, where all the drawers were open.
Piles of underwear were on the floor, and every single knickknack on the top had been pushed together in a clump.
My fingers and toes went numb. Ice filled my veins, and my breath turned choppy.
I willed myself not to freak out while I was half-naked in bed with a man who’d been nothing but kind to me. The humiliation would be too great.
But fighting it, hoping it wouldn’t come, only ever seemed to make it worse.
As I stiffened more, Cooper shifted, looking down at me with furrowed brows.
“Andie?”
His face spun in front of my eyes. The ceiling whirled. The air turned thick, making it hard to breathe.
What was I doing?
Why had I thought I could do this?
Go on a date. Have sex. Let someone in.
Impossible. It was all impossible.
He planted his hands on either side of me, lifting his upper body off me, as he scanned me carefully.
My arms and legs had fallen away from him. They were nothing more than weighted logs dragged into the tidal wave caused by my attack.
Just as he had the night of Maisey’s wedding, he saw and understood my panic.
“Breathe, baby.”
He knew me so well already. Read my secrets. Read my responses.
But so had Eddie.
An invisible clamp banded my lungs, my heart, my tongue, squeezing tighter and tighter and tighter, and I could do nothing to prevent it.
Cooper’s arms surrounded me, shifting us so he was sitting on the bed, and I was in his lap. I was helpless to stop him. To do anything. His hands ran up my arms, over my shoulders to my back, rubbing in circles before starting the whole circuit again.
“Inhale, Andie. You’re safe. You’re safe. Just breathe.”
And I finally did. A ragged gasp of oxygen that burned my lungs.
“That’s it, baby. Take another. Nice and slow.”
He counted for me again, like he had the night of Maisey’s wedding.
All I could do was listen and follow his instructions.
To count and breathe until my limbs became my own again.
Until they weren’t locked in a battle of fight or flight that I’d always failed at.
I couldn’t fight. Couldn’t run. I just took the hits.
Just allowed the punch, the push, the kick.
You try to leave me again, and you’ll be dead. There is nowhere you can go that I won’t find you. You’re mine. In this life and the next. You’re mine.
I stiffened again.
“No. Don’t go back in your head. Relax, Havoc. He’s not here. Whoever the bastard was, he’s not here. It’s just you and me. Just us. Miles away from him. You’re safe.”
I listened and inhaled and exhaled and slowly…very slowly…came back to right now. With me in Cooper’s arms and the gentleness of his touch soothing me. With the joy of the night at the forefront and the hell of my past behind me.
The entire date had been so beautiful. I’d wanted to believe I could have this again—no, not again. I hoped, for the first time in my life, I could be part of a unit. Part of a couple. Have a chance at the kind of love Cooper’s parents had.
Tears flooded my eyes.
When I’d first arrived in Idaho, I’d berated fate and God a lot.
I’d whined and stormed and been angry with myself and Eddie and my parents.
I’d spent months blaming each of us in turns, until the hating and accusations had become too much.
Until I’d had to choose between continuing down a path where I became some bitter, ugly version of myself or allowing myself some grace and forgiveness.
To even forgive my parents for the lack of love and support that had sent me head-on into Eddie’s arms.
But I could never forgive Eddie. He’d deserved what he got. He’d deserved worse.
So much of that final night was a black box I couldn’t pull from. I may never know if I actually shot him, but if I’d been the one to pull the trigger, it had been in self-defense. It had been him or me, and I’d chosen me.
And right now, I wanted to choose myself again.
I wanted to choose Cooper and me and this moment.
I swallowed hard and shifted so I could scour his face for a sign that I’d pushed him away by yet another freak-out in his presence.
“I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”
He ran a hand up my bare back and gave my neck a soft squeeze. “You have nothing to be sorry about. I just wish the asshole responsible for your fear was here so I could return the favor. So I could make him so afraid he’d wish he had never been born.”
My heart stuttered.
He had been here. Or at least, someone who’d known Eddie well had been.
I yanked myself out of Cooper’s arms and scrambled off the bed. As I picked my sweater up and slid it over my head, I said, “Someone was here.”
Cooper shot out of the bed. “What?”
I waved at the mess of the dresser. “I didn’t leave it like that. Everything was put away. Everything was neat.”
“Fuck.”
He pulled me behind him as he went to the tiny closet and opened the door, pushing aside the clothes. But I already knew no one would be there. Just like there’d never been anyone in the apartment in Idaho. It would be empty. And just like then, once the onslaught started, it would never stop.
“Stay here,” he demanded as he stalked out of the room.
I did, only because I knew it would make him feel better to believe I was out of danger. That he could face whoever was haunting me without putting me in the line of fire.
There’d been moments in the thick of things in Idaho where I’d wondered if it really was Eddie’s ghost tormenting me. Whoever had been there had known all the little things he’d done. The small ways he’d found to punish me.
I pushed my palms into my eyes, fighting the tears. I hated this.
Hadn’t I paid enough for my sins yet?
In less than five minutes, Cooper was back with fury darkening his face.
“No one is here. Tell me who this is. Tell me so I can hunt him down and end him.”
“I don’t know,” I said, and even to my own ears, the words sounded like weak lies. Except, they weren’t. It was the truth. Dawson and I had never figured out who’d come for me in Idaho because I’d never figured out who Eddie owed the money to.
“Damnit, Andie, this is serious. It’s not just you in danger now. It’s my son. My family.”
The tears that I’d held back escaped. “I don’t know!”
He strode over to me and gripped my shoulders, shaking me. “You don’t have to hide the truth from me. You can trust me.”
He had a right to his anger. But the force of his frustration only brought my fear tumbling back to the surface.
When I froze again, he saw it and immediately released me. “I’m sorry.”
We stood that way for what felt like an eternity. He inhaled deeply as if trying to calm himself. “Tell me what I can do.”
“I need to make a call.”
All his emotions disappeared behind a blank wall. He was the stern man I’d first met. No passion. No laughter. No caring.
“So, some other man who you love can help you, but not me?”
My eyes widened. “What?”
“I heard you tell him you loved him. I couldn’t hear how he responded, but I could hear the tone of his voice.”
I realized I was rubbing the scar on my chin and wrapped my arms around myself instead.
When I said nothing, Cooper pushed. “Who is he? Your handler? Are you in witness protection? How do you know you can trust this guy?”
I longed to pour out my soul to him. To tell him everything.
To finally come clean. You couldn’t really build a relationship with someone without being honest. But I was afraid that if I did, the way Cooper looked at me would change.
It wouldn’t be admiration and desire I saw in his eyes. It would likely be disgust.