Chapter 25
Addie is quiet on the drive back home.
Jess and I try to ask about her appointment, and beside her, Ollie tries to show her a game he’s playing. But she brushes us off. I can’t help the twinge of worry that sinks back in at her silence. She seemed a little better the last few days with her mom being back.
She seemed okay before, and she took her mom’s pills.
Dr. Baker warned me it might be difficult after sessions, especially the first ones. Picking at things that might be hard to talk about.
So I don’t push.
And I’m rewarded with her voice speaking up from the backseat when we’re halfway home. “Can we do something tonight? Like, not just sit around.”
“Sure, kiddo. What do you want to do?”
She shrugs, her hands hidden in the sleeves of her hoodie. “I don’t know. Maybe invite Grandma and Grandpa over for dinner. Play some board games.”
“I’ll call Grandma and see what they’re doing.” She nods, looking out the window. “Addie, are you—”
“I’m okay,” she says before I can ask. “It’s just… It’s hard.”
“It’s supposed to be, I think.”
“Great,” she says, her voice flat, but I can see the corner of her lip twitch up in the rearview mirror. “Something to look forward to every week.”
Jess reaches back and takes her hand from the passenger seat. Addie holds onto it for the rest of the drive home.
Joyce and Frank are already there when we get back, and when Jess steps out of the car, her mother cries. Frank doesn’t, but he holds her for a long time, and that’s that. Nobody asks any hard questions. Jess is back, and that’s all that matters.
That’s the thing about Joyce and Frank, and what I wish Will would understand. They love their kids, and as long as they’re not actively harming themselves, they would defend them to the end of the earth.
Jess and her mom head into the kitchen and start pulling out things to make dinner. I can hear them complaining about the lack of groceries from where I am, standing behind the couch, but I ignore it.
Frank is in the living room with the kids, playing something on the big screen. Addie laughs at his poor abilities with the controller, but I can still see the sadness around her eyes. I can only hope that it will start to get better with Dr. Baker’s help.
Ollie asks me to take a turn, handing the controller up to me, and I’m about to take it when I hear the doorbell.
“I’ll get it,” I shout toward the kitchen, walking across the house to the door.
“Who is it?” Jess calls, following me anyway.
“I don’t know.” I look back at her, pulling the door open without checking.
That was a mistake.
He’s in the leather jacket from our first date, his hands in the pockets, the porch light reflecting in the snow sitting in his hair and on his shoulders. I don’t know how long I stand there, staring at him, my eyes darting down to his lips.
God, I missed them.
I missed him so much.
And faced with him again, everything I said that morning, everything we did the night before, comes crashing back and my voice trembles when I say, “Will—”
“Oh! I forgot to tell you. I invited Uncle Will!” Addie says from the couch, interrupting whatever I was going to say. It’s probably for the best.
His eyes are on my face, narrowed, his mouth in a straight line, and he looks at me for one more second before he shoves past me into the house. That single contact sends a chill down my spine, even after all we’ve done, and I think I’m truly pathetic.
I’m still standing in the open doorway when I hear him with the kids.
“Hey, munchkins,” he says, sounding completely normal. “Long time no see.”
“I’m almost eighteen. I’m not a munchkin.”
“You’ll always be a munchkin to me.” I turn around in time to see her pull him into a hug. She opens her eyes, meeting mine across the room. And she’s saying something with them. Probably ‘apologize’ or ‘stop being a dick’ but I can’t. I don’t get the chance.
Because Jess is in here too.
Will pulls back from Addie to face his sister with wide eyes. His mouth opens, but he doesn’t say anything as several different emotions flicker across his face before he lands back on surprised. He looks at me for an answer, and my heart hurts, but I don’t let him see that.
I cross my arms, keeping my voice as casual as possible to say what I know changes everything. “Jess is back.”
Will plays with the kids instead of facing me.
Or his sister. He sits between Addie and Ollie on the couch, and he doesn’t have any reaction to getting third place.
He doesn’t look at me. He doesn’t look at the kitchen.
He sits there, stiff as a board, and it takes everything in me not to go to him and beg for his forgiveness right in front of everyone.
In the shuffle of everyone sitting down at the table and grabbing extra chairs so we all fit, Will and I end up across from each other, with Jess on my right.
Frank and Joyce are over the moon that their daughter is home. They ask her questions about being gone, what she did, where she went. They call it a trip, and I can’t help but feel bitter about that. But it fills the tense silence at the table, as I avert my eyes from Will the best I can.
“So are you two back together then?” Joyce says, finally asking the question I’m sure she’s been sitting on since she arrived. Jess smiles, and her hand finds mine on the table.
I look down at it.
Across the table, Will does too.
“We’re still working through some things,” she says, squeezing my hand. “But I’m home, that’s what matters.”
“Of course it is,” Joyce says, with a bright smile.
Frank nods. “I’m sure you two will make it work. Lord knows we’ve all had some tough times, but this is what it’s all about. Family.”
“We lost our way for a little bit,” Jess continues. “But we love each other, and—”
Will’s fork hits his plate, the sharp sound cutting through the chatter at the table. Everyone looks at him to see what it was about, what hurtful thing he’s going to say this time, but he’s already standing. “I can’t do this.”
He starts toward the door without explaining, but he doesn’t have to. I stand up to follow him. “Let him go, honey.” Jess tugs at my hand, still in hers, an attempt to stop me. “You know he always does this.”
Pulling out of her grip, I walk around the table. And I know everyone’s eyes are on me, but I don’t care.
“Nolan, what are you—”
The cold of the January snow bites at my face, the small flurries earlier turned into a steady snow, and Will is already halfway down the driveway, his jacket forgotten, the same as mine. “Will! Will, wait!”
“Screw you, Nolan!” He gets to his car, covered in a layer of snow, and grabs the handle anyway.
“Please—”
When he turns around, I expect anger. The frown and the narrowed eyes and the clenched jaw. His signature look at this point.
But that’s not what I get.
His nose is red and so are his eyes, and I’m not sure it’s from the cold, and I think I can feel my heart breaking.
“Oh my god, dude. Can’t you just leave me alone?”
I shake my head, coming to a stop in front of him, wrapping my arms around myself in the freezing snow. “I’m so sorry, please, give me a chance to explain—”
“You accused me of stealing your drugs.” His voice cracks. “After everything. After I fucked you and I made you breakfast and called myself your boyfriend, God, I’m such a—”
He starts to cry, and it’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen, and I did this.
I’m the reason, and he doesn’t even wipe the tears away.
“And now you’re back with her and I’m standing in the snow crying like a loser.
Jesus Christ.” He stops, burying his face in his hands.
“I hate you. I fucking hate you for doing this to me.”
“I know you do, but—”
“I should have stayed in my motel room and minded my business and never—” His voice is muffled in his hands, but I can still hear enough. “I knew you would do this. You never listen to anything I say. It’s always—”
“Will.” I close the distance between us, wrapping my hands around his arms and pulling them from his face to make him look at me. “Addie took the pills.”
He sniffles, and it takes everything in me not to comfort him, but I have to explain first.
“Addie took them from the cabinet because she was thinking about hurting herself. And Jess came back and everything was so… It’s not an excuse. I should have called you the moment I found out, and I didn’t, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
The snow has picked up since we came out here, and I don’t think I’ll ever be warm again, but Will isn’t pushing me away. “Addie, she…” he says slowly, the words I said sinking in.
“She’s getting help.” I take another step toward him, the clouds from our breath tangling together.
“She’s okay?”
“She’s getting there.”
He exhales, long and shaking, and looks up at the sky, letting the snow land on his face, and then he closes his eyes, letting some tension go from his body. “I hate you.”
“I understand.”
“I’m serious.”
“I know you are.”
He looks back down at me, and he’s so close, and he sniffles again, and I can’t stand it anymore. I take his face in my hands, and I press my lips to his.
It’s only meant to be a peck. I don’t expect him to put his hands on my hips and kiss me back, cold lips and snow covering our clothes. He pulls me in, the only warmth in our bodies where our tongues are sliding together.
It’s everything I’ve needed these past few days.
We’re too focused on the kiss, on touching each other again, to notice that, from somewhere off to the left, there’s a gasp, followed by my mother-in-law’s voice.
“Good heavens.”