Chapter 3
New Rules, Old Companions
Emily
Eleven years ago...
“Look, Mama! Look at the picture I made!”
I showed Mama the drawing I did of her, my brother Lucas, our dog Pitus and Papa with his big belly.
Mama admired it. “Oh, Emi, this is wonderful!”
I proudly pointed to the different parts of the picture. “I have my doll, Lucas has a race car, you have your apron, and Papa has a bottle. I gave us all our favorites!”
Mama gasped and covered her mouth. Uh-oh. “Did I do something wrong, Mama?”
“No, lovely, nothing. It’s a wonderful picture.”
“I’ll show Papa!” I ran out of the kitchen to Papa’s office but Mama told me to wait. Oopsie, too late! I knocked on the door and barged in. “Papa, look! I drew a picture for the fridge!”
Papa glanced at it and looked back at his computer. “Okay, put it on the pile of papers, I’ll have a look later,” he growled like a bear. I giggled but then coughed. The smoke of his cigarette hurt in my belly.
“Okay.” I put my picture on the pile. I made sure it was straight so Papa wouldn’t miss it.
“Come here, lovely,” Mama said, calling me back to the hallway for a hug.
I asked if Papa would look at the picture and she said, “I’m sure he’ll love it,” but she sounded sad. I didn’t know why. Then Mama said she was going to make Currywurst and I nodded excitedly.
Back in the kitchen, Pitus licked my face, and Lucas was playing basketball outside. He said I was too little to play with him, but one day I wouldn’t be.
A year later, I went into Papa’s office and found my drawing in the same pile, hidden under lots of new papers. When I asked Lucas if I could play basketball with him, he said I was still too little, but he lifted me up on his shoulders so I could reach the basket. He was the best brother ever.
Now...
I tapped my foot against the asphalt, checking my phone for the third time in the last minute. Officially twenty-four hours until I’d see Jon again. I couldn’t help but smile at the thought.
Rain was pouring down but Natalia and I were safe and dry under the Walmart canopy.
“Who’s got you smiling like that?” Natalia took a drag from her half-smoked cigarette. A snake tattooed on the side of her neck peeked out the collar of her black shirt. Her Walmart vest was tagged with random Sharpie doodles, a skull next to a flower next to a monkey.
“Jon’s coming back tomorrow.”
“Oh, I know. You’ve been counting down the days for the last two weeks.” Natalia took another drag of her cigarette. People scrunched their noses as they walked past, but she gave them a glare that made them walk faster.
“The slowest two weeks ever.”
She laughed. “I bet.”
Natalia and I had been friends ever since Jon brought me to her and Dave’s New Year’s party. She didn’t go to our school and we were from different worlds, but that didn’t stop us from getting along. She was also the only one who actually wanted me to be with Jon. When I told her that, she said she had a weakness for rooting for the underdog. Now she had to bear with me unloading all my Jon talk on her, but for some crazy reason she didn’t mind.
“Mrs. Lenson, let me help you!” Natalia called to an elderly lady with a walker. Turning to me, she whispered: “She tips me when I help her. Meet me at the register?”
I gave her a thumbs-up, and she tossed her cigarette in the ashtray and bounced through the rain to assist Mrs. Lenson.
Natalia was the one who’d got me this job at Walmart. Working alongside her distracted me from overthinking. What had initially been her smoke breaks soon became mine too. I leaned my head against the brick wall, lighting my own cigarette and taking a deep drag from something I knew was harming me. I promised myself I’d quit again when things got easier.
My phone vibrated and I brought it up quickly.
Paul: Can’t pick you up today, but Mom will
I stared down at the text, my breath catching. Those few minutes with Paul in the car, even though we barely talked, were moments I held on to. No matter how fleeting, they meant I could at least see if he was okay.
Me: Okay
I paused a moment at Seen, then quickly added another message.
Me: Thank you for letting me know :)
Again, my message was seen within a second, but no three dots dancing at the bottom. My chest ached as I realized he was serious about what he’d said last night.
“What am I supposed to do?” I mumbled to myself, watching the cars coming and going in the parking lot. Last night I had yearned to give Paul answers, but when I saw the dinner table setup my stomach had turned nauseous. If I had told him the truth I would’ve given him hope—given myself hope for something I shouldn’t feel anymore.
My heart pounded faster as I pictured his pained face, and I had to take a deep breath, triggering a coughing fit. Smoking had lost its calming effect on me. Now it scratched and squeezed my lungs, like it used to when I was a little kid sneaking into my father’s office.
Paul and I shared a connection that I didn’t fully comprehend. When he’d reached for my hand, I wanted to nuzzle my nose into his neck and remind him how much I cared for him. But I couldn’t do that. I had made my choice. I chose Jon. I loved Jon. My feelings for Paul...
I couldn’t compare them. They were different. But that didn’t change the fact that my feelings for Paul were still there. Paul was a good guy. He had saved me from the Stones’ place, given me a new home. I owed him. I couldn’t just toss him away like he meant nothing.
I knew well enough from my mother how easy it was to fall for the wrong one. But what he’d said about Jon breaking my heart—
“Ouch!” The square had burned down to the bud, and the hot ash fell on my hand. I wiped it off and tossed the stub into the ashtray. My phone vibrated again: Danielle’s name on the screen. I took her call with a quick swipe. “What’s up, Danielle?”
“Hey, girl! I felt so bad about our talk yesterday. Want to hang out? Jon’s not back yet, right? We could research prom dresses...”
My mouth twitched up. This was the first time she had mentioned Jon without a sour note. “I wish I could but I’m at work.”
“I don’t understand why you took that job,” she said. “You could’ve done something more fun than packing grocery bags!”
“It’s not that bad. And I got it thanks to Nat and her connections, remember?”
That was only half the truth. It wasn’t about fun for me. Bagging groceries was easy, with little room for error: heavy items on the bottom, delicate ones on top.
“You could’ve done something that would look good on your resume. Like I do at the barbershop.”
I bit my lip. The truth was, I had no idea what I wanted in life. Heck, I didn’t even know which country I’d be living in at the end of the school year. “I don’t have a passion or a goal like you, Danielle,” I said, trying to keep my emotions in check. She started to argue but I cut her off. “My break is over. I’ll call you Sunday, okay?”
“Fine, have fun with Jon,” she said, the sourness back in her voice.
I hung up. I actually did have a few minutes left in my break.
Cans. Broccoli. Eggs...
“Emily!”
My gaze shot up from the groceries and landed on Mrs. Stone standing by the register, pearl necklace gleaming.
“Mrs. Stone, how are you today?” I gave her my practiced customer service smile.
A few days after I had collapsed on her doorstep, wasted on pills and blaming her for everything that went wrong, she had visited me for a candid conversation. It had been awkward, but with Gena’s mediating presence, we’d managed to discuss our differences. She had apologized—and by that, I mean a barely comprehensible barrage of words through her tears—so I had forgiven her mostly to end it. But it didn’t feel like the end yet.
“I’m fine, honey!” Mrs. Stone gushed. “What about you? It’s so great that you’re working here.”
From the next cash register over, Natalia mimed vomiting with her finger in her mouth. It seemed like Mrs. Stone was keeping an eye on my work schedule because she went grocery shopping unusually often and always paid at my register.
“I’m glad I got this job too, Mrs. Stone,” I said, motioning to her bags so she wouldn’t look in Natalia’s direction.
The tactic worked. She approached to collect her bags. “It’s refreshing to know that it’s you touching my stuff,” she said in an undertone. “No offense, but a lot of the people who work here smell like smoke.”
“Uh-huh.” I handed her the bags, keeping an arm’s length between us. “Have a great day despite the rain.”
“Thank you. You and Madison should hang out sometime. I’m sure she would love that.”
“Sure.” At school, Madison had painted a graphic picture of my breakdown at her doorstep to anyone who would listen. Neither of us was interested in friendship any longer.
“See you on Tuesday!” Mrs. Stone minced away with her bags dangling from her wrists, maintaining perfect posture.
Natalia glared at her exiting through the glass doors. “Damn, she literally found out your work schedule.”
“I guess so.” I shrugged, preparing the next bag to be ahead of the game.
“I don’t get how you can stay this calm,” Natalia breathed before welcoming a new customer.
“Lots of practice.” I yawned. I had hardly gotten any sleep last night. The conversation with Paul, not knowing what would happen with Jon... My overthinking list was long.
“You’re probably the most patient person I’ve ever met.”
I had to stifle a snort. Natalia didn’t know much about my history, but I liked that about her. She didn’t see a good girl. She saw the girl I had been at the party when we first met. The fun one, the confident one—the strong one who didn’t fall apart when the guy she loved took her virginity and left her behind in the woods. I could easily play pretend with her.
Natalia handed me a XXL bag of chips. “Could you put this back on the shelf? They didn’t have enough money to buy it.”
“Sure.” The bag was almost as big as my torso. I didn’t get the size of groceries here. Everything was humongous compared to Germany.
I hurried through the store for the chips aisle. I turned the corner, and just as I realized I’d gone the wrong way I collided with someone.
“Ah, crap!” A vibrant cherry-red lipstick tube spun through the air and hit the ground.
“Kiki?” I gasped in surprise. She was dressed in a tidy blouse, slacks and a beige coat. As usual, way too classy for our age.
“Emily!” She winced, but her tone was friendly. “I didn’t recognize you in that vest.”
“Yeah, it’s quite the look.” I tugged at the oversized blue vest, which almost reached down to my thighs. My smile felt too wide for my face.
“Mm.” Kiki backed up a few paces. “Anyway, got to go. See you around.”
I reached down to pick up her lipstick. “Hold on, you forgot your—”
But she was already turning the corner. “Lipstick,” I mumbled. I couldn’t blame her for avoiding me. I had broken my promise to her that nothing would happen between me and Jon.
After my shift, Gena was waiting for me in the parking lot.
“Did you have a good day?” she asked as I buckled my seat belt.
“Yeah. We were allowed to take home leftovers from the staff room.” I got out a red velvet cupcake from my bag. “I brought one for you as a thank you for picking me up.”
“Oh, aren’t you lovely!” Gena beamed and bit right into it. “But you don’t have to get me anything for picking you up, okay?”
“I know.” I drew a deep breath, using the moment she was busy chewing to prepare myself for the conversation that needed to happen. “Um, Gena?”
“Uh-huh?”
“I don’t know if you remember, but Jon’s coming back tomorrow.”
Gena stopped munching and put the cupcake on the dashboard, her expression turning serious. “I’m listening.”
I hated how everyone went stern as soon as they heard his name. “Is it okay with you if I go to Tim’s house to see him?”
Gena leaned back in her seat and observed the watery windshield for a moment. The raindrops gathered in small circles on the glass. Then she turned to look at me. “Let’s set some rules.”
I nodded hastily. “Anything you want.”
“You’re not grounded anymore, and I’m not going to lock you up or forbid you from seeing your boyfriend like Mrs. Stone did. I have to admit I was more comfortable when it was Paul, but I respect that those days are over.”
I pressed my lips together. The days of Paul, Jon and me hanging out together had become a distant memory. My eyes burned, and I fought to swallow down the emotions.
“So, rule #1: no drugs, of course.”
“Never again,” I said. Not just affirming it for her but also for myself.
“Rule #2: Curfew is eleven. Don’t stay out later than that or lie that you’re at Danielle’s or Breana’s. I always want to know where you are and with whom.”
“Yep!” I gave a thumbs-up.
“And last but not least...” Gena glanced at the windshield again, her ears glowing red beneath her bobbed haircut. “I know from Paul that you and he never, um, did it.”
I brushed my hair in front of my face, trying to hide my own blush. “He told you that... ?”
“It was more of a misunderstanding that got him to say it,” Gena said, and I couldn’t help but chuckle. I could picture Paul freaking out about talking with his mom about his sex life.
“So, I talked to your mother about it, and rule #3 is... no sex until you use protection. We could get you on birth control pills, or explore other options. Condoms aren’t entirely safe, but it’s your body, so I could teach you how to use them properly, and—”
“Birth control pills sound good,” I croaked, burying my face in my hands. I guess I was like Paul. The last thing I wanted was a safe sex talk with Gena with bananas for demonstration.
“Okay.” She gave a sigh of relief. “Then I’ll make an appointment for you.”
“Thanks, for... thinking of that.” I unhid my face. “You take care of me like a mother, and I can’t thank you enough for that.”
I wasn’t ready to share the fact that I had already been careless with Jon the one time. She was right. I wasn’t prepared for a baby, and neither was Jon. A teenage pregnancy would not only make Mrs. Stone’s prediction come true, but turn my whole life upside down.
“Of course, Emily.” Gena squeezed my hand. “I told you when you moved in that you were part of our family, and I meant it.”
It hit me that I wasn’t alone in all this. I had people supporting me, giving me second chances. I couldn’t take that for granted. I leaned over and wrapped my arms around Gena, expressing with a hug what words couldn’t convey.