Chapter 30
Taking the Leap
Emily
The running track stretched out in front of me, seemingly endless. My short legs forced me to take twice as many strides as most of the class, and I was struggling to keep up.
“I’m going to walk,” I puffed to Aiden behind me, but he put his hands on my back and gave a gentle push. “C’mon, Alemán! One more lap!”
“I can’t,” I gasped, coughing from all the cigarettes I’d had lately.
Aiden sprinted past me, then turned around and ran backward. “Sí, you can! You’re a fighter, not a quitter, cari?o!”
My legs picked up speed over the track. Pain is just a signal from the mind, alerting us that something’s wrong. A protection system. And I wasn’t dying. I could handle it for a few more seconds, couldn’t I?
The finish line was just half a lap ahead. Why does pain feel painful? I mused, and suddenly I was running even faster.
I sprinted over the finish line and collapsed to the ground, laugh-cough-panting all at once. The teacher gave me an approving thumbs-up.
“Look at you, running so fast on those little legs,” Aiden teased, settling down next to me in a relaxed posture.
“Only thanks to you,” I panted, giving him a fist bump. He cradled his fist in mock pain, grimacing dramatically, before bursting into laughter.
“Didn’t you finish your laps like... what, five minutes ago?” I asked.
“Yep.” Aiden shrugged. “But my European buddy needed a little push, so I didn’t mind running extra.”
“You’re crazy.” My legs already felt like they wouldn’t be functioning tomorrow.
I used to think people went running to distract themselves from their problems. But the sense of accomplishment blooming in my chest after pushing my body to its limits was empowering. Maybe Paul wasn’t just avoiding his issues, going out jogging. Maybe he was craving this exact feeling.
We got up and headed to the dressing rooms to quench our thirst from one of those water fountains America had everywhere. When I first saw them, I was grossed out by the thought of so many people using them. But right now, I welcomed the opportunity to soothe the burning in my throat.
“It’s cool to see you like this,” Aiden said, leaning down to take a drink himself.
“Like what?”
“Happy. I saw you and Jon in the hall. You make a great couple.”
A broad grin came over me. Someone was on our side.
“By the way, you should come with me and Leni to the lake today,” Aiden added. “It’ll be fun.”
“I’m meeting Jon after school, but I’ll ask him.”
We high-fived our goodbyes and I took a much-needed shower to wash away the dirt and sweat from my run. But I didn’t have time to wash my hair, and my scalp itched as I left the gym. I’d have to replan my hair-washing schedule when I got home.
As usual, students were huddled in a corner outside the school, smoking weed. But I saw them differently this time. They looked clouded, destroyed by what they were consuming.
I fished out my emergency pack of cigarettes from my backpack and threw it in the trash. I wouldn’t need them anymore. Life was easier now, happier with him by my side. I was fine.
I gazed down at the whole raw chicken on the table. It gave off a faintly sweet, feral smell. Chef Sayle had demonstrated the art of cutting up the carcass without wasting any meat, and now it was our turn. Danielle had plunged into the task, while Breana stood off to the side, her face pale.
“Timo said he had a good time on our double date,” Danielle told me.“And I did too.” The bones of her chicken cracked as she admitted it. “You were right, Jon isn’t that bad.”
A wide smile stretched across my face. We’d gone out for dinner at a burger place, and though Jon was charming, funny and gentle, Danielle had given him scrutinizing looks no matter what he did. I ran over and hugged her, oblivious to the fact that she was holding a knife. “I knew you two would get along if you gave him a chance!”
She jerked the knife out of the way. “Yeah. I’m still suspicious, though.”
“I’m completely fine with that.” I grinned and went back to my chicken-slaughtering station, as Zack would probably call it.
“Guys,” Chef Sayle called, rapping a wooden spoon against a pot. “Remember, you’ll need those chicken pieces for your final dish. Pay close attention, and don’t forget the salt—I expect nothing less than perfection from all of you!”
“I can’t do this!” Breana suddenly exclaimed. “This is wrong. I’m vegetarian. I should get an exemption!”
Chef Sayle approached her with a weary expression. “Breana, do you only want to serve vegetarians when you work at a restaurant?”
“We’re not in 1975 anymore,” she sassed. “There are plenty of vegetarian and vegan restaurants around, and they’ll take over the market very soon.”
Chef Sayle sighed into his palm. “Breana, that chicken is already dead. If you don’t cut it up it’ll go to waste.”
Breana rolled her eyes and begrudgingly took up the knife. “Fine, but you better consider exemptions for future students.”
I tensed at the thought of the future. We only had a few weeks left before summer was around the corner—and with that, the end of my adventure.
I grabbed my knife and made the first cut.
The sun heated my skin when I stepped out into the parking lot after school. Jon was waiting for me at his BMW. I sniffed my hand and made a face. The smell of meat stuck with me despite my best efforts at the sink.
“What’s up with your hand?” Jon asked. His fingers traced a brief line over my left ring finger.
“I smell like chicken,” I warned, pulling my hand away.
“Do I look like I care?” He reached for it again, his touch firm yet gentle. “Ich habe dich vermisst,” he whispered, pulling me into a tight embrace.
“Missed you too.” Each kiss, imbued with the faint scent of his musky cologne, felt like it could last forever.
I was startled by a car horn blaring. From their jeep, Aiden and Leni stuck out their tongues at us like little ten-year-olds. “Yo, German,” Aiden called. “You wanna come to the lake with us or not?”
I turned to Jon with a question mark on my face, but was met with a frown. “Since when are you friends with Aiden?”
“We’re gym buddies.”
His jaw tightened. “Gym buddies?”
I smirked. “Didn’t you know? I can squat one-fifty.”
“No wonder, with that juicy butt of yours.”
“C’mon,” Leni shouted. “We don’t have all day!”
Jon ignored him. “Don’t you normally like to plan this type of stuff?” he snarked at me, leaning against his BMW. “You don’t even have your swimsuit.”
“I’ve got my underwear,” I retorted, but he crossed his arms, unimpressed. “Come on, Jon, let’s loosen up a bit! We can mope around in your room on a cloudy day.” Walking backward toward Aiden’s jeep, I shot him a mischievous grin. “Or I’ll go without you...”
Jon sighed. “Fine, you dopamine addict.” I squealed and ran the rest of the way to the jeep.
The wind tousled my hair as we sped down the road, but I didn’t care, proud that I had made a friend on my own. When Aiden greeted me with a fist bump, Jon had scowled and placed a possessive arm around my shoulders. I reassured him with kisses to his ear that Aiden was like this with every girl.
The sound of laughter and the distant splashing of water greeted us as we arrived at the lake by the woods. It was a popular spot: the place was dotted with groups of friends, some of them drinking. Aiden parked the jeep and we all tumbled out. Leni set up a blanket and Aiden brought out a cooler full of brews. They stripped off their clothes, ran down the dock and cannonballed into the water. Aiden resurfaced, tossing his hair back with a grin. “Come on, guys! The water’s warm!”
I started taking off my shirt, eliciting a grin from Aiden. But Jon stepped between us, a low growl escaping his lips. “Little German,” he muttered.
“What?” I shrugged. “I don’t want to get my clothes wet.”
Jon glanced around, biting his lip in agitation. “Fine.” He peeled off his own shirt, revealing his bare torso. “Take mine.”
“You’re compromising. I like it,” I teased, and put it on before wiggling out of my linen shorts.
“Have fun.” Jon leaned in to kiss me on the cheek.
“You don’t want to come?”
“Maybe later,” he said, and I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek myself before running to the dock. A rope hung off from a tree branch above it, awaiting dive-bombers.
“Woo! Go German!” came Leni and Aiden’s enthusiastic shouts from the water.
“Jump in!” came another familiar voice, and I turned to see Hannah on a water donut a bit farther down the lake, accompanied by Brandon. I waved enthusiastically. We were finally hanging out again, as if everyone had awoken from their winter slumber.
As I stood at the edge of the platform, ready to jump, I couldn’t quite put into words the surreal feeling in my chest. This year had been a roller coaster of ups and downs, the highest of highs and the lowest of lows—but in this moment, my friends cheering, the lake beckoning, everything seemed to align perfectly. I turned to see Jon looking at me. His hands were in his pockets but he wore the cutest grin ever.
“C’mon, German!” Aiden called, and I twirled around and took a running start to grab the rope. All my strength training was worth it: I held on effortlessly in midair, relishing the feeling of weightlessness. Releasing my grip at the perfect moment, I flew through the air, legs pumping as if pedaling through the sky, and landed in the water with a terrific splash.
The moment I broke the surface, I wanted kill Aiden. The water was fricking freezing. But what did I expect for 20 degrees Celsius (or as Americans would say, 70 Fahrenheit)? I came up gulping for air. “Aiden!” I yelped, and he laughed as I splashed water into his face.
“Refreshing, isn’t it?”
His laughter was contagious. I used my newfound strength to give him a shove, sending him momentarily underwater.
I turned and scanned the shore for Jon. He was sitting on a log, his little black book in his lap. “Jon!”
Glancing up, he smiled but gestured at the log, signaling his intent to stay put. I was disappointed. I wanted to spend time with him too, and—
I was underwater again. Aiden had used my distraction to fire back. I sputtered to the surface.
“Truce?” he proposed, palms raised. I nodded, spitting out water.
“Really, Aiden? Giving up after one dunk?” The voice was Paul’s, swimming up behind me from out of nowhere. His damp hair clung to his head and his flawless skin glistened, water droplets adorning his lashes. The stubble that flouted his morning shave added a rugged charm. I quickly wiped below my eyes, realizing I probably looked like a panda with my mascara running.
“He knows he doesn’t stand a chance,” I said to downplay the tension in my chest.
“Yeah right.” Aiden chuckled and swam away, front-crawling like a pro.
Paul swam up closer, his chin dipping into the water, his eyes on me.
“Where’s Kiki?” I asked nervously.
“I don’t know,” Paul said. “We’re not talking anymore.” He came still closer, and his hands found their way to my hips.
“Grilled cheese!” I blurted just as Paul tossed me into the air. I splashed down into the water. Was this a harmless water fight or was he being flirty? As I resurfaced, my first instinct was to look for Jon. I spotted him walking through the trees, moving away.
I glared at Paul. “Jon’s here. Why would you do that?”
He frowned. “I was just messing with you, Emi.”
“You knew he was here, didn’t you?”
“I’m treating you just like I do at home and suddenly that’s an issue?”
“Yeah right, because you staring at me like that and swimming up close isn’t invading my personal space!” I shot back. People were whispering around us.
“Emi, you did the exact same!”
“I... I did not!” I accidentally swallowed some water. “Did I?”
I wasn’t aware of what I was doing anymore. Frustrated, I swam as fast as I could out of the water and ran over the lawn to the area where Jon had disappeared. I had to stop playing around—especially with Jon. He was trying so hard, while I—
I caught my fall. I had almost tripped over a root.
I found him sitting on the porch of an abandoned shed in the trees, engrossed in his little black book. He briefly looked up as I approached.
“Hey...” I sat down beside him, my hair still dripping, his T-shirt clinging to my body.
“You had fun?” Jon asked, still writing. He held the book at an angle where I couldn’t get a peek.
“I would’ve had more fun with you.” I rested my palm on his knee.
“I’m not mad, Little German,” he said, as if he had read my mind. He closed his notebook and looked at me, despair all over his face. “Paul will keep trying until he can say with certainty you won’t pick him again. I did the same. So who am I to blame him?”
His reaction was both strange and refreshing. “If you’re not mad, then why are you hiding here?”
He put down the book and leaned back on his palms, letting the sun soak his skin for a few moments. “I’m afraid to let loose. I’m constantly fighting with myself. I’m scared if I start to enjoy myself a little too much, I’ll lose control.”
I swallowed against the weight of his words, feeling like an idiot. Here I was making him go to a place where people were drinking—and no doubt taking tokes—and I was sulking that he didn’t come fool around in the water.
“Shit,” I said. “I’m so—”
“Don’t.” He glared at me and I fell silent. “I don’t want you to apologize for something that’s not your fault. That’s why I was fine with us coming here. I want you to have fun, I want you to feel free and live. I just can’t do that as much yet.”
“But when we went swimming on our date...” I trailed off.
“It was only us. And I knew I had to pick up Lauren from her party. I couldn’t get messed up. Too much depended on me.”
I sighed. Jon needed constant reasons to not relapse, constant obstacles between him and using. I had to remember that. As everyone was fond of warning me, a life with Jon meant a life of battling his demons. But I was ready to face them if it meant having him by my side.
His hand wound its way to my upper thigh and tapped the inside, dangerously close to the spot that never failed to drive me wild. Despite the seriousness of our conversation, I suddenly yearned to feel closer to him again. I scooched down so that his fingers would travel a bit higher.
“I haven’t forgotten about your question,” he mumbled, looking up into the sky.
“Which question?” My gaze intent on his hand.
“If, um...” The tapping turned into a soft squeeze. Gosh, what I wouldn’t give to be on birth control already.
“Little German?”
I pulled my eyes away from his broad hand. “Sorry, what did you say?”
The smirk I hate-loved spread across his face, and his eyes flickered with fire. “I’m trying to be real with you and you’re going all horny on me?”
I pouted. “You started it!”
He tapped further up until he had reached my panties. “People come here to fuck all the time,” he said, and my heart basically leaped out of my chest. He drew the fabric aside.
“Do you have a condom?” I breathed. “I’m still not on birth control.”
“Nope, but we don’t need one for what I want to do to you with my mouth.”
My eyes widened, and Jon guided me to lie down on the old porch. His fingers remaining in position, stroking me, and my head fell back. I moaned, impatient for him to make his move. He slipped down my panties for better access—and then his tongue hit the spot that craved him.
“Oh, Jon...” I gasped, fingers in his hair, pulling him down on me.
My mind went into an absolute whirlwind. Some vague part of me acknowledged that we were only a hundred meters away from all the people.
I whimpered when he pulled away and looked up at me. “I want to come with you to Germany this summer, Little German.”
“What—” I gasped, but then a rush of pleasure filled me with so much happiness that I couldn’t form words, and I moaned with utter joy.
This wasn’t enough, I wanted more. To feel him, to connect with him on the deepest level. To show him how happy he made me with that one little line. I grabbed him by the shoulders, pulling him up, and reached for his pants. Before he could stop me, they were off, and his hardness welcomed me. I clasped my mouth around him and moved up and down, tasting him.
I was the one looking up at him this time. “I want to feel you inside me.”
Jon’s eyes darkened. I could tell he was losing his mind too. He lowered himself on top of me and dived in. And this time there was no pain, only the immense pleasure of our union. “I love you,” he repeated in between each thrust.
“I love you too...” And I came undone.
I could introduce him to my family, my other life, every single part of me...
And maybe then he’d be ready to take the next step. And I could stay here forever.