Chapter 31
Understanding It
Kiki
Iadmit I hoped to catch a glimpse of Paul at the library today. I settled into our usual spot, something catching in my throat. I knew it was me who told him to stay away, but he was doing his job a little too well. It’s probably for the best, I told myself, burying my nose in my biology book. But every time someone walked in, my head shot up, searching for any sign of him.
The next day in Algebra, I shifted nervously in my seat, anxious about my upcoming test results. Mr. Lane finally handed me my sheet. “You’re back on it, Ms. Moore,” he said proudly. An A+ smiled at me at the top.
Turning around to show Paul, though, I was met with an empty seat. Suddenly, my accomplishment felt less exciting. What was the point? I didn’t even know if I’d get into Yale after all.
As I walked through the halls after class, I tried to tune out my surroundings—friends chatting about their weekends, couples making out... Some, like me, looking lost. I walked past Jon and Emily at her locker, beaming at each other. Jon planted kisses all over her cheeks and she grinned like she’d won the lottery. Seeing them like that made me—happy? A new feeling.
Yet being lonely by choice was something I disliked more with every passing day.
Aiden walked up to me. “What’s up, K?” he said, and I was thankful to not be standing on my own anymore.
“Hi. Not much, what about you?” I leaned in for a quick hug. We hadn’t hung out in forever. I missed the way he made me laugh.
“We went to the lake last week. I thought you were coming too?” He threw me a big goofy smile like he’d had the time of his life.
“Um, I wanted to, but I had to do this volunteering thing at the animal shelter.”
“Aren’t college applications over?”
“I’m on the waitlist for Yale, and I’m sending them my final grades and activities soon.”
His chin dropped. “That’s possible?”
“I don’t know, but it’s worth a try.”
I barely believed it myself now. I was desperate, denying the facts. I didn’t know how much longer I could do that. And ugh, I hated that I’d missed the first lake outing of the year.
At cheerleading practice, I felt like I was underwater. Everything seemed meaningless and numb. I followed Jamie’s orders, missing some of the first beats, tripping when I saw him across the field at football practice.
“Kiki!” Jamie yelled. “I told you he means trouble. Why aren’t you listening to me?”
Finally, I came up for air. What was I doing here, wasting my time with cheerleading when it gave me nothing anymore?
I stalked up to her. “Can you stop talking about this in front of everyone? Have some respect!”
Jamie went quiet as I picked up my water bottle and turned on my heel. “Where are you going?” she called after me.
“I’m quitting cheerleading.” I could use this time for more important things instead.
I expected her to protest but she let me stride straight to Paul. I tapped him on the shoulder, hard. He turned around, still laughing at something Brandon was saying.
“Where were you in Algebra?” I shouted the moment he looked at me. He flinched, glancing around at the boys, then pulled me aside. “I thought your studies were important to you now,” I said. “Why did you skip?”
I wasn’t even sure why I was so mad at him for it. I just felt this rage thumping through my veins.
“Kiki, I didn’t skip on purpose. I was talking to my therapist about my... anger issues.”
“Oh,” I gasped, the anger replaced by shame. “You’ve been seeing someone?”
“Since today, yeah,” he said, worry scattering in his eyes. “Are you okay? You seem... stressed.”
I let out a long, shaky breath. “Yeah, just... I don’t know.”
I turned and walked away. Just walked and didn’t look back.
There was no guarantee I would get into Yale. I had missed going to the lake, I had dropped the cheerleading team. These were my last few weeks of high school, and Paul was doing exactly what I asked him to.
Yet I was shattered that he wasn’t running after me.
I couldn’t fall asleep that night. No matter how much I tossed and turned to find the perfect position, my mind was on overdrive. It was the first time that a guy other than Jon occupied my thoughts. I didn’t know how to handle it. With Jon, I knew whenever one of us pushed the other away, it was only a matter of time until he came up and apologized. With Paul, it was different. He respected my wishes, gave me space when I asked for it.
I laughed out loud. We hadn’t even kissed, and I was pretending like we’d been dating.
I switched on the lamp and reached into the drawer for Jon’s letter. Whatever he had to say, I was ready to hear it.
Dear Kiki,
So, I guess if you’re reading this, it means you’re ready to move on, and honestly, I’m happy about that. Looking back, it’s clear I could’ve been a better boyfriend to you. I still vividly remember the challenge of sneaking into your room up the tree because I couldn’t walk through the main door. Not your fault, but being around you sometimes made me feel like I wasn’t measuring up. You deserve someone who seamlessly fits into your life, someone who gets along with your parents and helps you study because he’s just as smart and determined as you. I should’ve stayed away the moment I realized we wouldn’t have a future. But there was still... you. I did fall for you, Kiki. I really did. You and your kindness, your beauty, your incredible brain. So, against my better judgment, I tried to be what you wanted me to be.
The cliché “it’s not you, it’s me” is fucking lame, but in my case it holds true. I didn’t change for Emily because she was “better” than you; it’s that she’s different, you know? She doesn’t have all those obligations to fulfill. I’m a bad influence on her, but I’m not standing between her and a bright future. Whenever I push her away she challenges me, sees the truth behind my pushing because she’s hurting too. So no, she isn’t better than you, I think she’s just better suited for who I need to become. I feel less broken with her because she doesn’t have all her shit together either.
Reflecting on it now, I realize I couldn’t fully be myself around you. I couldn’t share my struggles, laugh freely, cry. I know how I came at you in the school hallway was wrong. I did intend to play it safe, I admit it. I mean, how much could go wrong in a few minutes, right? I fucked up again. Believe me when I say that I will regret not treating you the way you deserve for the rest of my life.
When I started writing this letter I didn’t want to tell you this, but fuck it. The reason why I sometimes vanished out of your life is your parents. They bribed me, Kiki. And as disgusting as it was, I let them... I would’ve done anything to replenish my stash. You definitely don’t deserve that. Not from them and not from me either.
I understand if you feel resentment, and I accept that. My sincere hope is that one day, you can open your heart to someone who uplifts you and celebrates your successes, someone who’s secure in themselves.
But what am I saying? You’re Kiki Moore. You will find your happiness again.
Thanks for the ride,
Jon
I reread the letter a few times before putting it back in its envelope and into the drawer.
And then I cried.
Not because I was sad—but because I was angry for believing all those years that I was the problem. It wasn’t me at all: it was my parents.
For once in my life, I gave myself the time to weep for as long as I actually needed it.