Chapter 36
One Last Sunset
Emily
Two years ago...
Iwalked behind my friends because there was no space left next to them on the path. It always ended up being me at the back. “Guys, wait,” I mumbled, and they turned around.
“What is it?” Lisa asked with an annoyed undertone.
“Michael asked me to go out with him,” I said, holding out my phone.
Their eyes widened. “Oh, Emily!” they squealed, grabbing my phone and scrolling up the chat without asking permission. But I let them. “We have to go shopping! Can we do your makeup too?”
I wasn’t used to getting this much attention from them, so I agreed.
When I came home, the house was quiet. Fear overcame me, as it did every time I entered an empty house. It felt like everyone had left me. Papa hadn’t called in over three months. Why had he abandoned me?
“Mama?”
She was supposed to be home by now. I looked in all the rooms before ending up in mine. I jumped when I saw her curled up under my blanket. Running up to her and squeezing her arm, I said, “Mama, what’s wrong?”
She looked up at me, her eyes red and puffy. “Richard left... He left me... us.” Tears welled in her eyes and I crawled into bed with her, hugging her tight.
“I thought this time I had found a man who would treat my kids right,” she said in a wobbly voice. “I thought moving in with him wouldn’t be a mistake. That he was a good one. I was wrong... I repeated the same mistake. I’m so sorry, Emily.” She sobbed so hard that my own chest ached.
“It’s okay, Mama. We just need each other. We’ll be fine. Just like last time.”
“Why can’t I pick the right one?” she asked the universe.
We lay there for hours, not moving.
Now...
I dressed faster than ever before in my life. The second Kiki’s mother finished—I still couldn’t believe Kiki started my examination—I practically lunged out the door.
Gena was waiting for me in the reception room. “How did it go?” she asked.
“Good.” I held up a prescription for contraceptive pills. “We can head to a pharmacy now.”
Gena sighed. “Exactly what a mother wants to hear.”
I threw my arm around her. “Better that your daughter’s safe than sorry.” Gena burst into laughter.
I exchanged a smile with Kiki in passing. Despite the crazy awkwardness of our conversation, the idea of Paul being with her didn’t bug me anymore. Especially not after witnessing how her eyes sparkled when we talked about him. She clearly really liked him, and he deserved someone as smart and beautiful as Kiki.
When we settled in the car, I used my last percentage of battery to text Jon.
Me: I got it! Just a few more days of patience ;)
I still hadn’t received a response by the time the battery died. Gena dropped me off at home and went ahead to the pharmacy herself; she had an appointment at the hair salon right after.
“Zack!” I knocked at his bedroom door, desperate to borrow his charger. “You there?”
I opened the door—only to immediately close it again, squeezing my eyes shut. I couldn’t believe I saw him rubbing his...
I swallowed hard. He was fifteen, I should’ve thought about that before bursting in.
He opened the door a crack. His long hair fell in a tangled mess. “Fuck. After you knock, you’re supposed to wait!”
“Sorry! I wanted to ask if I can use your charger...”
He rolled his eyes. “Forgot it at Helen’s. Use Paul’s.” With that, he shut the door in my face, and I couldn’t blame him.
I knew Paul was at football practice, and I didn’t want to invade his privacy. But my desperation to see Jon’s response was killing me. I padded down the stairs, waiting several long seconds after my knock before cautiously entering his room.
It looked somewhat better—still not quite meeting my preferred level of tidiness, but at least his dirty clothes were in a hamper. There were no new posters, I rejoiced to see, which meant therapy was working.
My happiness vanished when I noticed my kitten mug sitting on the table with a tea bag in it. Paul didn’t like tea. I closed my eyes, inhaling deeply. He can date, it’s okay.
Anyway, it wasn’t right to snoop around. I walked straight to his nightstand, where I knew he kept his charger. My breath caught in my throat when I opened the drawer. Beside some condoms and gum was the notebook I had gifted him for Christmas. And next to it—a little blue satin box.
My hands shook as I took it out. It fit right in my palm. I opened it, and a little stone shone at me from a silver ring.
There was a note, too.
It started with Dear Babycakes, and ended with Will you marry me?
I stared down at it, my heart beating so loud I could hear it pulsate in my eardrums—and then it broke for the future we could’ve had. Paul was ready to do this for me. He had wanted this, no matter how young we were. The room began to spin, and my legs trembled. I squeezed my eyes closed and took deep breaths like Caroline had taught me.
One... Don’t think about the what-ifs.
Two... Everything is okay, this is just your brain panicking.
Three... You’re safe. Nothing dangerous is happening to you.
I opened my eyes, part of me hoping I would wake up from a dream. But this wasn’t a dream. It was a dream scenario in a reality where it didn’t belong anymore—a parallel universe where I was still with Paul. In this life, I had chosen not to be with him, and that was okay. I turned the ring over and over in my hands. I had to put everything back the way it was, plus leave the charger. If Paul knew I had seen this, it would make things even more complicated, and—
“Emily...?”
“Paul!” I twirled around, hastily hiding the box behind my back. “You’re home early!”
“Yeah, Coach cut practice short... What are you—” His eyes locked on the open drawer and he turned pale.
Too late. I brought the box in front of me again. “I had no idea,” I said. “It’s a beautiful ring...”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “Your mother helped me pick it out.”
“Mama?” I gasped, dropping the box. Quickly, I reached down for it and placed it back into the drawer.
“When I was at your place. I thought it would be a cute anecdote to say that I already got the ring when I went to Germany the first time. I hadn’t planned on proposing though, until—” Paul crossed his arms. “You weren’t supposed to see it.”
“I was looking for your charger,” I said quickly. “Mine’s broken, and normally I use Zack’s but when I went into his room he was—doing stuff, and then he said he forgot it at Helen’s and—” My throat burned for breath. The air wasn’t reaching my lungs. I sucked harder but only coughing came out. “Can’t—breathe.”
Paul rushed up, took my palms and placed them on my chest. “It’s okay. Put pressure on your chest. Now breathe in—” He took a long breath himself. “And out.”
I mirrored his movements until I felt my body calm down again. He must’ve learned this in his own therapy.
“Better?” Paul asked with a kind smile, but nothing could stop the tidal wave of guilt crashing down on me. I crushed my fingers over my face.
“I’m so sorry, Paul. I had no idea you felt like this. When you left for Germany I thought...” A sob wrenched my voice.
“What did you think?” His breath hitched as he carefully removed my hands from my face.
“I thought you weren’t sure about me.” All those months I thought he didn’t want to be with me when he was actually planning our long-term future together.
Paul brushed a strand of hair out of my face. “I never doubted wanting to be with you.”
His gaze fell on my lips, and it was too much for my heart to handle. Jon’s words floated through my head: He won’t stop trying until he’s sure that you’re done with him. And Caroline’s: Communication is key. You should talk without leaving room for interpretation. Paul leaned in, and I—
“I need some air!”
I ducked past him and ran up the stairs out of the basement. I stopped when I got to the porch in the backyard, sitting down on the steps and burying my face in my hands. After a few breaths, I heard Paul sitting down next to me. He lit a cigarette and looked up at the sky.
“You don’t even like smoking,” I said.
“It’s a special occasion.” He puffed out smoke. With a little twitch, I realized I wouldn’t mind one either.
He sighed, pointing with the cig at the orange-tinted sky. “You know, when I was in Germany, I found out why you love sunsets so much.”
A pang in my chest. We had never talked about his time there.
“Your bed... it has a perfect view of the mountains. Every night I would lie down there and feel this sense of calm I didn’t feel at any other time of the day.”
I knew exactly what he meant. Whenever the sun was setting, it reminded me that I—
“It was like a reminder that I’d made it through another day.”
Exactly.
“Being in Germany, I realized how much I didn’t know about you. For months I thought you liked playing the mysterious one to keep things interesting—but you don’t do that with Jon.”
The conversation was taking a direction I didn’t see coming. I thought we’d be talking about the ring, but here he was addressing why we didn’t work out in the first place.
He scooted a bit closer. “Why did you never tell me about Richard? Your father...? Your mental health problems? Do you think I wouldn’t have understood?”
I gasped for air. “You know about all that?”
“Lucas told me how Richard treated you like you were never good enough. I experienced it a bit myself.”
I buried my face in my lap. Moments passed. Paul waited patiently for me to say something. Finally, I peeked up at the sky, wrapping my arms around myself. “We don’t need to talk about this right now.”
He threw the cig on the ground. “For the last few weeks I’ve tried being your friend. I actually convinced myself that spending time with you, no matter how, was better than not being with you at all.”
My throat burned. This felt like a breakup all over again.
“But the more time I spend with you, the more I realize that I can’t move on until I know. Please... I need to know why you chose him.”
I tried to swallow but my throat was swollen. When I talked to Kiki earlier, I meant what I said. I was over Paul, as my lover anyway. I wanted him to find happiness more than I wanted it for myself. It was now or never—to speak without leaving room for interpretation.
“After the night I first met you, when we started talking... I was so attracted to you. Drawn to how good you were. You had life under control, you could do whatever you wanted. You gave me stability, a new family, so much love. Basically everything.”
“Then why wasn’t that enough?” Paul came closer and cupped my cheeks. I closed my eyes, soaking in this moment I knew could be our last.
“Because...” I pulled in a breath and lifted my head to look at him. “Being straight with you would’ve destroyed this perfect picture. I wanted nothing more than to be perfect for you, to have this movie-style love story, move to America, tell our children about it one day. I knew we could have something not many people get to have in their entire lifetime.”
“I would’ve gone to Germany with you,” Paul interrupted. “And not only for the summer.”
I frowned. “It wouldn’t have been fair though.”
“Why not?” He grabbed my hand and squeezed it tight.
“You would’ve done all that for me, but what would I have done for you?” I looked at him for a moment. His eyebrows bunched, creasing his forehead. “Jon didn’t expect me to write a perfect story. I felt like I could make mistakes, and lose myself to find out who I truly was. I can’t explain it, but he does something to my heart that you didn’t.”
I had said it. I didn’t look away so he’d know I was telling the truth.
“And I did nothing to your heart? All those months?”
My heart stung from the pained look in his eyes. “You did... You still do,” I admitted. If I didn’t speak the truth now, we would keep going in circles. “You were my first love, Paul. Nothing is ever going to change that. And I still love you. That’s why I can’t stay away whenever you touch me. I miss you, even though you’re sitting right in front of me... But with Jon, I don’t only miss him, I feel like I can’t breathe without him.”
Paul was back on his feet, pacing through the backyard. I darted after him and pulled at his arm so he would look at me. He turned around, his eyes brimming with tears—and so were mine.
“I feel like such an idiot,” he said.
“You’re anything but. You’re brave, you’re kind, you’re perfect. But we weren’t meant to be. I know it, and you know it too.”
“The fuck I know!” Paul said, spreading his hands in the air.
“Yes, you do!” I put my hand on my chest, felt it thumping against my palm. “Your heart, it only ever beats as fast when we talk about Jon getting in between us.”
His mouth dropped open.
“When you thought you had lost me to him at Halloween, you didn’t even hesitate to sleep with Jamie. For months I broke my head over it, thinking you did it because I pushed you away. But if you had truly loved me, you would’ve stepped up when you saw Jon and me kiss. You wouldn’t have given me the chance to explore my feelings for him when you left for Germany. You would’ve shown me in every way that you could love me better than him. But you didn’t. And I think that’s because a part of you wanted me to be there for him.” I pressed my hand against my chest to have something to hold on to.
Paul’s shoulders dropped along with his gaze. “I wanted you to save him... I knew I couldn’t,” he said. “And I was right. You did help him. Because of you, he got sober. And I lost you for it.” A sob came up his throat. I put my hand on his face, making him look at me again.
“You didn’t lose me, Paul. You invited me into your life, and I’m here to stay if you want me to. Just not in the way we planned.”
Paul slumped back onto the porch stairs and rested his elbows on his knees. I sat down next to him.
“So we were doomed the second I walked away at Halloween,” he concluded after a few minutes of silence.
“It was already doomed the night we met because we kissed while you were still with another girl.” I said it softly, without any trace of blame. In German, we’d say it was the stone that brought everything rolling. A chain reaction.
I carefully rested my head on his shoulder and took his hand. “Thank you... for teaching me what love is. For being the best first boyfriend I could’ve ever had. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the same for you.”
He wiped his eyes. “So it’s really true... We’re over.” His voice was so quiet, I could barely hear it.
“Y-yes.”
I didn’t come into Paul’s life for him. I came into it for his best friend. The risky one, the one who made my heart pine and ache when he wasn’t around.
When I came to America wanting to experience true love, I never expected to learn that there were multiple forms of love—or how much love could hurt. I loved Paul like a best friend, a soulmate even. But no matter how hard we tried, we didn’t speak the same language when it came to our hearts.
He reached into his pocket and drew out the little satin box, letting out a chuckle. “Even in the last few weeks I was prepared to step in. To marry you if he wouldn’t so you could stay.”
I was touched, but I knew my answer would’ve been no. “It wouldn’t be right.” I could almost feel my words sinking down with the sun that was almost gone.
He leaned down and placed a kiss on my forehead. “You’ll always be my family, Emi.”
A loud sob escaped my throat. “You’re mine too.”
We both got up, wiping the tears from each other’s faces. Paul and I had something so strong, we would be bonded for life whether we wanted it or not. He was a part of me and I was a part of him. He would always be there in my head, in my heart. Following me on my path wherever I went.
Now it was time to give him something in return for all the great things he had done for me.
“I saw Kiki today.”
“Oh... You did?” He let out a tired laugh.
“Yeah, she was my... gynecologist.”
Paul made a face combining shock and amusement. “Fuck, that must’ve been weird.”
“Weird doesn’t even cover it.” We both laughed, and I was thankful we were still able to because his laugh made my soul bounce. “I don’t know what’s going on between you two, but you should fight for her.”
Paul shook his head. “We literally just broke up, and you’re already trying to push me into the arms of another girl?” He laughed ironically, and I couldn’t help but let out a small laugh myself.
“Kiki is here now. And you aren’t using her if you let her get close to you.”
“I do like her,” he admitted.
“Then explore your feelings for her. You both deserve that.”
Paul suddenly smiled and nodded. “Heck this is weird, but okay. I’ll try.”
I smiled broadly, and Paul opened his arms for another hug. “It’s impossible not to be friends, you know? And I’m for real this time. Let’s be friends only.”
“Friends only sounds lovely.”
When we hugged, it felt different than it did before. It felt—easy.Exactly like I had dreamed about.
But there was something nagging in the pit of my stomach.
“Paul?” I whispered.
“Mm?”
“Do you think Jon will ever propose to me so I can stay?”
Paul squeezed my shoulder. “If he feels even a fraction of what I felt for you, I’m sure he will.”
I smiled. Paul was a good one, though not my lucky one.
But would my lucky one ever make me that lucky?