Chapter 37
The Love Square
Kiki
Hannah burst into my room and belly flopped onto the bed with a groan. I closed my book and joined her. “What are you doing here?” I asked. It had been a while since she came over.
“Men suck!” Hannah declared into the pillow.
I grabbed the plush dog I got on my first day of school and hugged it to my belly. “Is everything okay with you and Brandon?”
Hannah turned her face sideways on the pillow. “We had a fight. Now everything’s doomed. It’s all downhill after the first fight...”
I swept a strand of hair out of her face. Her eyes were red and puffy. Paul was right: I shouldn’t have been so flippant about their honeymoon stage.
“Fights don’t always break a couple,” I said gently. “They can bring them closer too.”
Hannah propped herself up on her elbows, a skeptical look on her face. “Oh, like you and Jon?”
I winced. Hannah had a knack for hitting where it hurt. “Don’t use what Jon and I had as a comparison.”
She raised an eyebrow. “Had? I know he’s with Emily now, but you two always get back together.”
“It’s different this time.” Then a strange sound bubbled up in my throat. Laughter, honest-to-goodness laughter.
A disbelieving smile formed on her lips. “Why are you laughing?”
I was struggling to catch my breath. “I don’t know, I—” I gurgled for air, the laughter drowning my words.
“What?” Hannah said. “What is so funny?”
“I’m really over him,” I managed. “I don’t even want him to come back to me.” My mind seemed to have officially gone insane, lost in the absurdity of it all.
“You... what?” Hannah said, concern now shimmering in her eyes.
“I know, right?” I squealed, wiping my tears. “Gosh, it’s such an incredible feeling, Han!”
Her eyes widened. “You think Brandon feels like that too?”
I smacked her with my plush dog.
“Hey!” she protested, covering her face but chuckling nonetheless.
“You and Brandon are healthy. I mean, you’ve been dating for what, four months, and you just had your first fight? What was it even about?” I giggled into my palm, still marveling that I was finally over Jon.
Hannah shrugged. “If we should get sushi or pizza.”
My giggles came to a halt. “Seriously?”
Hannah frowned and rolled onto her back. “He always gets sushi with me because he knows I love it, so then when he didn’t want sushi I thought he didn’t love me anymore because—” Her face paled. “Oh, shit!” Now it was Hannah who fell into a fit of laughter. “What is wrong with me?”
“Welcome back, girl,” I said, giving her a hug.
“I was in a love bubble, wasn’t I?” she said, and I nodded against her chest. “Gosh, I’ve missed you.” She hugged me even tighter. “I’m sorry for not being around all these months.”
“I missed you too, Han. And it’s okay, you were falling in love for the first time.”
I couldn’t blame all the changes in the Fam on Emily. Hannah and Brandon were the backbone of the group. Bonfires in Hannah’s backyard were what we did most of the time, and Brandon was the one who brought everyone together. With them going off into their own private world, our hangouts had stopped happening.
As if sharing my thoughts, Hannah suddenly jumped up and said, “Let’s get the Fam together!” She grabbed her phone, and I received a notification a second later.
The FAM 3
Hannah: Bonfire at my place tonight! No excuses!
Hannah and I had finished setting up the chairs when Brandon and Aiden strolled through the gates of her backyard, carrying six-packs. “What’s up!” Aiden said, beaming. Hannah almost tripped in her rush to get to Brandon’s arms, making him drop the beer in surprise. “I’m so sorry, baby,” she said, kissing him. “We can get pizza if you want.” Brandon held her so tight, my eyes felt watery. These two had played the waiting game for each other, for the perfect time to become each other’s everything. Even if it was a high school romance, it was still a beautiful first love story.
I sighed, doubting I would have any happy high school love stories to share with my kids one day.
“Hey, K!” Aiden slung his arm around my shoulder and pulled me into a brief chokehold.
“Aiden, stop!”
He stepped away, winking. “Just trying to drag you out of your thoughts.”
I huffed and rolled my eyes, but deep down, I was thankful he did.
“Vamos, let’s get that bonfire started,” Aiden suggested. I nodded and squatted in front of the ashes from a time so long ago that they were barely visible.
As time passed, more and more people came through the gate. Danielle and Breana, Leni, Jamie, the new quarterback since Paul dropped out... James, I think? No, Jim, or Jonathan? Something with a J, so that the glittering necklace around Jamie’s neck now shone with two J’s instead of one.
My shock was barely contained when Jamie brushed her strawberry blond hair out of her face and announced, “Guys, meet J. My future husband.”
Aiden made gagging sounds next to me. “I think I just barfed a little in my mouth. Why the fuck do you all need to be dating? Is that like the newest hot trend or what?”
I went over to Jamie and hugged her because a part of me felt bad. “Why didn’t you tell me you were seeing someone?”
“I didn’t want to.” She shrugged, not returning my hug.
“Why not?”
“Why not?” The high pitch of her voice stabbed my ears. “You’re all moody and upset all the time. Anyway, you’re not telling me what’s going on in your life. Why should I tell you things when you don’t even bother?”
My mouth fell open. Jamie was... hurt.
You could add my name to the list of reasons why the Fam fell apart.
“From now on, I’ll tell you everything, okay?” I hugged her again and she nodded against my shoulder, squeezing me a bit too hard with her long fingernails.
“Then how about you start with why you’ve been too busy swooning over Paul to be on your game in cheerleading?”
“Hey, guys.” Paul’s voice came from the gate a few feet away. My axons fired signals for my muscles to flinch when I saw who he’d arrived with.
They lived in the same house. Of course they’d show up together.
“Oops. Maybe we should talk later,” Jamie whispered.
I nodded and put my hand up for a little wave. Emily beamed back at me, but Paul rubbed his head and looked off to the side. Emily leaned in and whispered something to him. My face heated—and I couldn’t blame the bonfire for it. I quickly turned away.
A little while later, we were all sitting around the fire, everyone except for Jon. Emily kept checking her phone as Danielle talked to her. The way her eyes kept fluttering to the gate, Danielle could’ve addressed a tree and gotten the same reaction. To my surprise, Paul didn’t sit next to Emily but between Aiden and Leni, who were immersed in guy talk I had tuned out. I was next to Hannah, who was on Brandon’s lap, and Jamie, who was on the lap of... let’s just call him Jason. He seemed nice so far, but I never trusted football players. Well, except for Paul, but he was different from all the other guys on the team. He was different in general.
Breana returned from the porch with more cups. “Guys, let’s play a game.”
“We haven’t played truth or dare in like forever,” Jamie suggested.
“Can we agree that we’re not playing that game anymore?” Paul laughed, and Jamie rolled her eyes. “C’mon, Jamie. Don’t you remember what happened last time we played?” He gave her a sheepish smile, and Jamie burst out laughing despite the bad memories. There was something in the air tonight, something that reminded me of the good old times.
Only Emily wasn’t vibing with it. She nervously shifted in her seat, staring at her phone screen. She caught my glance and I breathed at her, “Everything okay?”
She nodded and smiled as if that simple gesture meant a lot to her. I smiled back. I didn’t hate her anymore; in fact, I was actually thankful for her. Who knows if I would’ve ever gotten over Jon if she hadn’t shown up? I even felt sympathy for her. If someone understood what was going on in her head, it was me. Jon wasn’t here yet, and she was on edge because she didn’t know where he was.
Then the gate squeaked and someone came in, all dressed in black. Emily jumped up and ran into his arms, and they murmured words I couldn’t hear. Paul’s gaze followed her, and... he smiled. Paul freaking smiled.
I shook my head. I had missed a lot in the last couple of days.
They came into the circle, holding hands. When Jon’s face was illuminated by the bonfire, my throat tightened. What was—
A hand suddenly landed on my shoulder. I pulled my gaze away from Jon and looked up.
“Wanna talk by the lake?” Paul said in a low voice. His cheeks were reddish from the heat of the fire.
I checked around me; everyone was watching Jon and Emily standing arm in arm. “Jon, we missed you, bro!” Brandon said, jumping up and diffusing the tension in the air.
“Sure,” I told Paul. What he had to say intrigued me more than anything Jon and Emily could do right now.
I followed Paul down the steps. When we reached the lake, memories pierced me like a knife. I tried to focus on the good ones: moments with Jon when we were actually happy, lying on the dock, slapping on sunscreen and reading with our sunglasses on.
Looking down at the water, the memories I had tried to forget crawled in. The time he’d almost drowned...
We were fourteen. He had gone swimming wasted, and when my screams went unheard I had to save him. With his limp body in my arms, I barely had the strength to keep myself afloat. On the dock, pumping his chest until he gurgled up water—
That night I couldn’t sleep, so I studied everything I had to know about first aid.
My throat ached to think about it. For a moment I wanted to run back up the stairs.
Two years later, we had one of our biggest fights here. “You’re doing it again, Kiki,” Jon had growled, giving me a pissed-off look that made my skin shiver.
“I just asked how many beers you had,” I said, trying my best not to break down in tears.
“You’re acting like I can’t control myself. I don’t want to date my fucking mother.”
He broke up with me that time. A few days later, I called him and promised I would stop worrying so much. But I did worry. I worried every day when I learned the signs of addiction. Night after night I immersed myself in the subject, reading way too much to be able to deal. How it didn’t only affect you temporarily, but could damage your organs in the long run. I studied him, not asking questions, treating him with such care that I neglected my own needs, slowly drowning myself instead.
When Jon walked in tonight, I noticed something in his features that I had hoped to never see again.
“Kiki?” Paul took my hand as hot tears streamed down my face. I quickly wiped them away. It had hit me out of nowhere. I was here with Paul; he would never put me through that passive-aggressive emotional torture.
“Sorry... this place,” I sniffled, but the tears kept flowing. Paul pulled me into his embrace.
“Fuck, I forgot this was where you found out about Jon and Emily.”
I yelped a cry-laugh. I had forgotten about that. This was a place of terror despite its natural beauty.
I pulled myself out of Paul’s arms and wiped my eyes. “You wanted to talk?”
“Actually, let’s head back upstairs. I don’t think this is the right place.”
I raised my brow. “I’ll be fine. What is it?”
Paul drew his fingers over his face, pulling his eyelids down. “Nah, let’s go back up. We can talk about us some other time.”
He went for the stairs but I grabbed his elbow. “About us?”
Slowly he turned to look at me, a soft expression on his face. “When you pushed me away the other day, I couldn’t blame you. You want to go to Princeton. I understand. And I still needed closure with Emily. Which I got.” He took a couple of steps toward the lake. “I kept telling myself that you were just a friend. But after what happened at Olive Garden—” He swallowed, and I crossed my arms. This was the moment—a moment that suddenly scared me more than it should. “I wasn’t sure if what’s between us is only friendship.”
I looked at the ground. I had promised myself never to come second again. Great, he was saying all this now... but he should’ve said it weeks ago.
“I respect you, Kiki. That’s why I backed off when you told me to. It’s true that a part of me still loves Emily, but that part shrinks the more time I spend with you. I want to spend more time with you. But I don’t want you to feel like you’re not wanted, so if you want me to stay away for good, I will.”
I let out a long breath. His honesty meant so much more to me than pretending he was over her entirely. He was speaking the truth, and I admired him for it.
High school wasn’t over yet. I could still have a happy love story. No matter what happened after, I could have the guy who healed me. I could learn how to trust again. I could learn a lot from Paul if I was willing to take one more risk.
I closed the distance between us and pressed my lips onto his.
He gasped, clearly not expecting my move, but didn’t immediately pull away. For a brief second I hesitated, but then he put his hands on my cheeks and deepened the kiss. Despite the taste of cheap beer, his flavor crept into my heart. His kiss was delightful, soft, exploratory but not imperious. My heart beat so fast I could feel my knees want to buckle.
“Wow...” he whispered when we broke our connection. “I guess I’m not an idiot and you do like me too.”
“Maybe a little bit.”
I beamed at him, and he smiled and shook his head. He brushed his thumb over my cheeks, wiping away the traces of my tears. “I didn’t want to have our first kiss while you’re crying.”
“Trust me, this memory will make up for everything else that’s happened to me here.”
We were each other’s bandages... But thinking about it now, it wasn’t anything bad. It was exactly what we both needed. No one was being used.
“I want to make this right,” he mumbled, breathing me in.
“I know. Let’s take it slow,” I suggested. “We both got out of some messed-up relationships...”
I wouldn’t let Paul break me. If there were any signs he wasn’t treating me how I deserved, it would be over.
“I think that’s a good idea.” He gave me an intense look. “But please know, I would never do to you what Jon did. I’m not him.”
“Oh, I know,” I said, grinning, and threw my arms around his neck to kiss him again. Paul Shields was the opposite of Jon.
Though one question still haunted me. If Jon and Emily broke up and Emily wanted Paul back...would he choose her over me?