Chapter 38
Not a Goodbye
Emily
Icraned my neck, trying to catch a glimpse of Paul and Kiki disappearing down the steps to the lake. Jon gave my hand a reassuring squeeze and I reciprocated with a subtle squeeze of my own. But something felt off. I had never gotten a text from him after my appointment yesterday, despite charging my phone (with Paul’s charger after all). I had messaged him about my intense conversation with Paul—still no response. I tried to call but he didn’t pick up. Then came Hannah’s bonfire invite, and I decided not to wait for Jon and accepted Paul’s offer for a ride. When Jon finally showed up at Hannah’s, I asked him what was going on, but he only said, “Can we talk later?” The air was filled with laughter and excitement, but my mind stayed stuck on the mystery of Jon going AWOL.
He squeezed my hand again, his gaze fixed on the joint Aiden had lit.
“Do you want to leave?” I whispered, making sure only he could hear. He shook his head no, but his lips were tightly pressed together.
“I’m still bummed that we didn’t go on spring break together,” Aiden said to the group, downing the rest of his beer in one swig.
“We would’ve totally tagged along if someone other than us had planned it,” Brandon said, earning an approving nod from Hannah.
“Exactly,” she said. “We always organize everything. It’s about time the rest of you slackers started contributing.”
Aiden and Leni both rolled their eyes.
“We should plan something together for the summer,” Danielle suggested.
“But it has to be something huge,” Breana said. “I’m tired of staying in the States. And not all of us will still be in high school.”
When I had first showed up at the bonfire, Breana had greeted me with a little twitch of the mouth—which was better than full-out antagonism, but we still hadn’t talked about the episode with Jackson in the school hallway. My brain flirted with the idea of having a smoke to give me enough confidence to approach her about it, but Jon’s hand clasped around mine was the anchor that kept me from succumbing to those thoughts.
“You guys should come visit my family in Spain,” Aiden proposed.
“Isn’t Germany right next to Spain?” Hannah said. “We could go on a road trip and visit Emily too!”
Jon growled with frustration. “It’s not a little drive away, Hannah. France is in between.”
“Oh.” The corners of her mouth drooped. “Then Emily can come to Spain to visit us!”
“Yeah, that would be nice,” I managed to say. It was cute how they wanted to see me again, but it was like a punch to the gut, realizing that in exactly one month and twenty-two days, overseas travel plans were the only way we could hang out again.
Hannah seemed to pick up on my discomfort. Her freckles dipped into a slight frown on her forehead. “Can’t you just keep living in Boonville with us?”
My eyes shifted to Jon. There was one way—a path that Paul had already imagined traveling.
“Her and Jon could get married!” Leni laughed, causing my anxiety to skyrocket. “Wouldn’t you get a permanent visa that way, German?”
“Yeah,” I mumbled. Jon just stared into the fire.
“Get married?” Jamie interjected, offering her unsolicited opinion. “They’re way too young. And no offense, but Jon isn’t marriage material.”
“Fuck off, Jamie,” Jon growled, pulling his hand out of mine.
“I’m just saying. It’s a huge step, and you two haven’t been together for that long.”
I sank lower into my chair. Jamie just had to go and voice all my fears in front of everyone.
“It’s their business, guys. Leave them alone.” Danielle glared at her and Leni. Jon still didn’t look at anything other than the flickering flames.
“So, you two.” Leni took a long drag of the joint, seemingly oblivious to what Danielle had just said. “How long has this been going on anyway? Was it already happening when German was dating Paul?”
I coughed. I should’ve anticipated that question.
Thankfully, Breana answered for me. “I can’t believe you’ve got the nerve to bring that up,” she snapped at Leni.
“Ooooh,” went Aiden, and I shot him a dirty look. “What?” he said. “I’m tired of everyone in this group being pissed with each other. It’s about time everyone figured out their shit. This is our last year, but you guys have been all caught up in your stupid drama. Get over it or we’ll all go our separate ways after high school.”
The silence that followed was evidence that his words had hit home. I peeked over at Jon again. You would’ve thought he had turned to stone if it weren’t for his chest rising and falling.
Leni was the first to speak again. “I didn’t even know we were official, Bre.”
Breana’s palms clenched into fists, and I could see the fiery determination in her eyes. “We’ve been seeing each other for weeks! I let you do things to my body no one else ever—”
“Okay!” Danielle said, cutting Breana off. “Why don’t you two go inside and discuss this privately?”
“I’m ready to talk whenever Breana is,” Leni said, passing the blunt to Aiden. But Breana looked anything other than happy about his offer.
“Aiden’s right,” said Brandon. “Let’s get our shit together and be like we used to be!” He pointed at the offenders. “Breana and Leni, go talk,” he ordered, and Leni got out of his chair.
“I’m not talking to him alone.” Breana crossed her arms with a pout.
“I’ll play mediator.” Danielle grabbed Breana’s arm and mumbled something I didn’t grasp as she dragged her inside.
“Wish me luck, guys,” Leni said before following them.
“Luck.” Aiden made a smoke ring with his mouth.
Jamie giggled, amused. “I can’t even put into words how much I’ve missed this,” she said, reaching for the blunt and inhaling before letting the smoke out through her nostrils.
“Me too.” Brandon smiled. “We all kind of went our own ways the last few months, but look at us now. We always come around again.”
“Cheers to that.” Hannah raised her bottle. I grabbed my cup of water and joined everyone saluting above the bonfire, but Jon didn’t move in his chair.
Then I noticed shadows walking up the stairs. Paul had his arm wrapped around Kiki’s shoulders. He gave me a soft smile.
Jon suddenly stood up. “I’m going,” he said to me. “Do you want to stay or come with me?” He could barely look at me.
Something was wrong. And I doubted it was only because of the weed and beer.
“I’m coming with you.”
“Boo, you just showed up, Jon,” Aiden said, but he was already going out through the gate.
“Thank you for the invite, Hannah,” I quickly said before rushing after him. “Jon, wait!” I called, but he didn’t turn around. We got in his BMW, and for the first few minutes of the drive, all he did was clench his jaw and stare at the street as if it were a complicated video game.
“Is everything okay?” I asked, hoping against hope that we were headed to the surprise he’d mentioned planning yesterday. I knew he wasn’t driving me to any surprise when we passed his house and entered my neighborhood.
“It’s all too much,” he finally said.
“What exactly?” The drinking and smoking? Kiki and Paul? The idea of getting married?
“I don’t want to talk about it right now.”
“I’ve been trying to reach you for over a day, and now you’re acting so standoffish. We’re in a relationship, Jon. I deserve to know why you ghosted me.” I tugged at his arm but he didn’t react. “Please, Jon. You said we had no secrets from each other.”
“Don’t push it,” he growled.
“Are you not happy for Paul and Kiki?”
“No, I’m glad they found each other.”
“Then why are you not talking to me? Did I do something wrong?”
Jon hit the brakes, bringing the car to a sudden stop in front of Paul’s house. “You didn’t do shit, Little German! I said I didn’t want to talk about it. Why is that so hard to understand?!”
I leaned back in my seat, more angry than upset. “You can’t blame me for worrying. You’re acting strange.”
“Get out, you’re home,” he said, looking straight ahead and gripping the steering wheel.
This wasn’t the Jon I was used to. I reached over and took his face in my hands, forcing him to look at me. “You’re sober, right? You didn’t relapse after your appointment? Did you even go?”
He pushed my hands off. “What the fuck, Little German!”
“I only asked you a question, I’m allowed to ask questions, remember? Are you high?”
“Fuck, no,” he scoffed, but I wasn’t sure if I could believe him. Something must’ve happened, something that made my lovely Jon turn back to his old self-destructive patterns. I leaned in and put my hands around his face in desperation.
“Jon... please.” This didn’t feel like the kind of fight where we’d make up right after. Jon’s jaw was clenched so hard I saw a muscle jump.
Then he finally looked at me.
“Jamie was right... I’m not ready to get married or shit. You think I didn’t understand your hints? I did, and I did my own damn research. I know you can only stay in America if I marry you. But you bet on the wrong horse. I’m good for a fun time, Emily. That’s all.” My hands flinched away, and his gaze hardened even further. “I’m not like Paul. When will you finally get that into your naive little brain?”
His growl was like an echo in the darkest place of my soul. “You don’t mean that,” I said, my voice breaking. “I never expected you to—”
“You didn’t expect me to follow you to Germany or put a freaking ring on your finger? You literally forced me to say yes, and I’m not fucking stupid—I know your plan is to buy us more time so you can bully me into marriage after the summer. But we’re not even eighteen, for Chrissakes. And even if we were older—you don’t even know me.”
“Of course I know you, Jon,” I whispered, a silent tear rolling down my cheek. I didn’t bother wiping it away.
“You don’t,” he snarled. “Or you would’ve known that I’m barely capable of having a healthy relationship. Much less be a husband.”
I just stared at him, my throat hurting so much I could barely breathe. I pressed my palms on my chest like Paul had taught me. I knew we were young. And I knew expecting marriage at our age was a lot. But it wasn’t like I would’ve even considered it if it wasn’t for the visa.
“It’s not true,” I said. “Yesterday you said you were planning a surprise for me and—”
“I was talking about the way I was going to fuck you.”
I let out a loud snort. He was trying to break my heart like everyone said he would. But I wouldn’t let them be right.
“I know you don’t mean that. It’s just that whatever happened to you yesterday is something you want to deal with on your own. When you figure out the shit that’s bothering you, I’ll be there. But don’t think I’m naive enough to swallow this bullshit you’re feeding me. We’ve been through this before. I’m smarter this time, got it?”
His eyes flashed dangerously but his lips stayed shut.
I kissed him on the cheek, not breaking our rule #1. He turned his face to the side.
I crawled out of the car and shut the door with a bang. This wasn’t the end of us. He was wrong about one thing.
I knew him.
He would never say those hurtful words and truly mean them. Something had happened, something he needed time to process before he could talk to me about it. I stopped crying. Whatever it was, he would tell me when he was ready.
And if he wouldn’t tell me, he would write it.