Chapter 39
Beep Beep Beep
Emily
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Salmon. Rice. Beans.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Dr Pepper. Pasta. Barbecue sauce.
The rhythmic sounds of the checkout scanner echoed through Walmart, each beep marking another item in an endless list.
I was a robot again, going through the motions just like I had in Germany—school, work, eat, sleep, repeat.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Candles. Candy. Chips.
“It’s my birthday!” announced a customer, pointing at the candles.
“Happy birthday.”
As soon as the customer had walked away, Natalia remarked, “Wow, that was the saddest happy birthday I’ve ever heard.”
I chose to ignore her.
She leaned over the counter, concern etched on her face. “You haven’t heard from him for over a week, Emily. Don’t you think it’s time to move on?”
I sighed. “It’ll be fine, Nat.”
But deep down, I wondered if that was really true.
I didn’t tell Caroline what happened with Jon. I didn’t want to hear her advice to start working on myself or some other crap I knew already. For about five minutes now we’d been sitting in silence, and I wouldn’t be the one to break it. Silence was better than talking about how Jon had sent me into another tailspin.
“Emily,” she said finally, “we’ve been having these sessions for almost three months now...” She sighed. “You’ve told me a lot, but you’ve been hiding something from me too.”
I grabbed a couch cushion and put it over my jiggling leg. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You’ve told me a lot about your first host family, your new host parents and your little host brother, Jon and Paul, your friends Danielle and Breana...”
“Exactly. A lot.”
“Right. I know about your struggles to maintain friendships, how Paul feels like home to you, your drug cravings, which have died down—” She paused for a moment and I nodded confirmation. Jiggle jiggle jiggle. “And your concerns that it might never stop for Jon.”
“See? You know all about me.”
“Really, Emily?” Caroline raised a gentle brow, her pen poised and ready on her notepad.
“I’ve told you everything. Even about the time I cut myself.” I spat the words at her, tired of feeling like I was doing something wrong.
She sighed. “I’m not trying to annoy you,” she said, leaning back in her chair and allowing a few seconds to pass. “But are you aware that everything you’ve told me so far is limited to your life in America?”
My knee stopped jiggling. I looked down at my cushion.
“Emily?” she said softly. “If you’re not ready to talk about it, we don’t have to. But I want you to know that I’m here for every aspect of your life. If there’s something you want to talk about that didn’t happen here, we can.”
It was true, I realized. I had never opened up about my life in Germany. It felt distant, almost forgotten—yet suddenly, by the power of her words, so close again. All this time I had clung to the hope that I wouldn’t need to go back—that Jon would be ready to pop the question, no big deal.
But that wasn’t likely going to happen.
“I’m trying to not think about it much.” I toyed with the fringe on the cushion.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you scared of going back?”
“Stop!” I shot up from the couch. “I don’t want to talk about it!”
“Emily, it’s okay,” she said, setting down her notepad and holding out her hands in a placating gesture. “We don’t have to.”
“I don’t want to go back,” I whispered, feeling a tear slide down my cheek. “But I miss my mother.” I slumped back onto the couch. “I wish I could have her and Lucas here... maybe his girlfriend. But I don’t want to go back for anyone else.”
“Those are a lot of people in Germany you want to have in your life,” Caroline pointed out.
“Not as many people as I would miss moving back there.” I was sobbing now. “How could he drop me like this?”
“Who?” she asked quietly.
“Jon...” I reached for a tissue on the table. “Didn’t you figure that out by now? He’s the answer to all my issues. I might not have a drug problem anymore, but that’s because my addiction has shifted. To him!” I blew my nose, feeling like an idiot. I was finally admitting what Caroline knew right from the beginning. I had done exactly what my mother did: fall for the wrong man—and now, without him, I was afraid I could never be happy again.
“Jon, I know you’re home! Please open the door!”
I hammered against the door, which was always locked now.
No answer.
“Please, I’m just trying to understand what happened...” Giving up, I slid down the door to the ground and cried.
When I got out of his car that night, I really thought he would call me the next day. I thought he would tell me the truth, whatever it was, and we’d find a solution that would fulfill both of our needs. He had become such a good boyfriend, even better than Paul. He wrote me little notes, encouraged my passions, made me enjoy life so much that I was excited for every single day. And the sex...
Everything about him was just plain addictive.
But now I was without him, without the intimacy, the passion, the commitment. And I didn’t even know why.
I thought back to the time Richard had left my mom. She’d been broken for days—and then suddenly he was back, never explaining why he’d left. Mom became even more submissive, throwing all her energy into making him happy so he wouldn’t leave again. I had hated Richard since that day.
“Little German?”
I opened my eyes. Tim stood in front of me with grocery bags in his hands.
“Tim!” I jumped up, trembling on my feet. “Can you let me in? I need to speak to Jon.”
He sighed and put his key in the lock. “I really like you, Emily. Please do yourself a favor and walk away before it’s too late.”
He opened the door and slipped in, leaving me with more question marks than before.
At the Shields’ place, it was just how it used to be when I first moved in. On Sundays football brought us together; during the week we resumed our tradition of family time around the dinner table. Paul talked openly about his progress in therapy, and Zack invited his girlfriend over almost daily. She had long blond hair, cute little dimples and shared his love for haunted houses.
“When can Helen move in?” Zack asked Henry and Gena one night at dinner.
“Why would she do that?” Gena said, waving her fork dismissively.
“Emily moved in,” Zack said, pouting, and Helen chimed in, “Are you saying she’s better than me?” Laughter sparked around the table.
Two weeks later, it was Kiki who came over for dinner. The atmosphere shifted—not for me, but for Gena and Henry.
“So you two are—” Gena started.
“Dating. Yes, Mom.” Paul rolled his eyes.
“But you were—” Henry began.
“Dating Jon,” Kiki said.
“Who’s dating you,” Helen added, pointing at me.
I nodded, a lump forming in my throat. I didn’t know if you could still say we were dating.
Paul noticed my look. After dinner, he convinced me to watch a movie with him and Kiki. She didn’t exclude me, but she did sit between me and Paul the whole time. It was strange because normally we always sat next to each other, and I missed feeling his body heat. He hadn’t made any moves on me lately, though, and our friendship was working better than ever.
“Anyone want more popcorn?” I said, needing to step out of the room for a moment.
“Sure.” Paul smiled and handed me the empty bowl. “Thanks, Emi.”
Kiki got up from the couch. “I can help.”
“No!” I said a bit too forcefully, making her flinch. “Sorry. I just meant it’s a one-person task. Really.”
I left the room and prepared the slowest bowl of popcorn of my life. When I walked back downstairs I saw them kissing. Quickly looking away, I cleared my throat and they jumped apart. I was happy for them, yeah, but it was still strange to see Paul looking at someone the way he used to look at me.
Jon’s seat in US History was empty again. He was going all out to avoid me, even if it meant skipping US History week after week. I would only get a glance from him in the school halls before he went the other way. Mr. Harrison had approached me and expressed his concern for Jon’s persistent absence from class. “He’s missing too much,” he said. “There’s no way I’ll be able to grade him like that.”
I wished I could assuage his worry, but I was just as clueless about Jon’s whereabouts—and mad that he was letting his education suffer because of his issues with me.
I tapped Brandon on the shoulder. “Hey, have you heard from Jon lately?”
He shook his head. “Stopped by Tim’s place a couple of times but he wasn’t there.”
A heavy sigh escaped me. “I don’t have much time left to reach him...”
“Maybe it’s not only you he needs,” Brandon said with a nonchalant shrug.
That gave me an idea.
“You want me to do what?!” Kiki slammed her locker door shut, her expression a mix of surprise and incredulity.
“You know him so well. Maybe he’ll tell you what’s wrong with him if you just try to talk to him.” I knew I sounded pathetic, but my desperation outweighed any concerns about what she might think of me.
She put her hands on my shoulders gently. “Emily, I like you, okay?” she said, making me think of Tim. “And since I like you, here’s some advice: don’t kill yourself to make Jon happy. He distanced himself from me countless times. If he doesn’t want to talk to you, he won’t. Bringing other people into it won’t make a difference.”
“Please, Kiki... I can’t give up on him.”
She sighed, then picked up her backpack. “Fine, I’ll try and talk to him. But don’t expect anything, okay?”
Her agreement gave me a glimmer of hope. It was faint, but it was there.
Beep.
Cheese... blue cheese. Barf.
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Cans. Pizza. Marshmallows. Ew...
Beep. Beep. Beep.
Apples. Bell peppers. Onions. Better.
“Can we talk?”
I looked up to find Madison standing in front of me, her hand placed protectively over her stomach. Natalia shrugged from the cash register.
“Is your mom here?” I asked Madison. I wasn’t in the mood to get yelled at right now.
“No, she’s at a meeting with people from church,” she said meekly.
I nodded, and we walked to the back entrance of the building, where she thanked me countless times for saving me from her mother. She’d heard that I had slapped Jackson at school. “Seriously, I’m so sorry,” she said, tears streaming down her face. “You’re such a great friend. I should’ve been there for you when you needed me.”
I pulled her in and patted her back as she cried on my shoulder.
“Could you... could you help me tell my mom?” Madison sniffled into my neck.
That was going too far. I had enough to deal with myself. I didn’t need Mrs. Stone blaming me for her precious Madison being the pregnant one. I pushed her away and got some distance between us. “That’s something you should do on your own, don’t you think? Anyway, I’m too involved. Maybe a neutral person for support would be better.”
“I understand...” She seemed baffled, but I didn’t let her persuade me. We said our goodbyes. I figured this would probably be the last time we talked. It felt good to finally say no to someone.
“Maybe it’s in the very back?”
I got down on my belly and groped under the bed in a desperate attempt to find what I had lost. I stretched my arm as far as I could but my fingers encountered only dust and dirt.
“I think it’s time to give up,” said Danielle, lounging in my chair. “You probably forgot it on the bus or something.”
“No, I didn’t. I’ve written everything in it. He has to read it!” I got up and went over to my closet.
“Ugh, fine. But I still think he has a reason why he fell off the face of the earth, and that reason is—” She bit her lip. “He’s an addict, Emily.”
“He didn’t relapse!”
I was calling him every night, sending him texts every other hour, waving at him at school before he turned to walk the other away. I knew I looked pathetic on the outside. But screw what everyone thought! I knew what the truth was: he loved me. This was just him thinking he was doing something right.
“Oh, Emily...” Danielle pinched her mouth, but then pulled me into a hug.
“I can’t give up on him, Danielle,” I mumbled into her chest.
“I know.” She patted my hair. “I’m sure your little black book will turn up again.”
I pulled out of her embrace and took a steadying breath. “I hope so.”