Chapter 6
Sasha
I released a long exhale after putting my SUV in Park. Vuitton turned in circles in the front seat, instantly recognizing
my grandmother’s house. Just sitting in the driveway, some of the tension that had been on my shoulders since Courtney walked
out on me lessened a tiny bit. Being in my empty house was something I was used to, but it was different this time, and I’d
needed to escape.
“Big Mama?” I called out as I entered the home I’d spent the majority of my time in as a child.
It wasn’t large or fancy by any means, but it was pure comfort. A safe haven of warmth. The one place where I always experienced
unconditional love. As soon as I put Vuitton down, he ran off toward the kitchen. Big Mama had complained about having an
animal in her house in the beginning, but that quickly morphed into her spoiling him with treats more than I did. She was
probably his second favorite human, though sometimes, with the way he preferred to follow her around when here, he might be
her first.
“Ooh, Sasha, baby, this is a surprise,” she said, glancing at me over the rim of her glasses.
She sat at the large kitchen table nursing a cup of tea, while the small mounted TV in the corner played her daytime soaps.
The nostalgia of sitting here with her over the years, snapping peas or shucking corn while watching her shows on the old tube TV, gave me the sense of peace I’d came here for.
Vuitton, who rarely listened to anyone, sat curled up at her feet, patiently, not making a sound or begging like usual. Hell,
he didn’t even get onto the furniture here. He knew he had his beds, and he stuck only to those. Big Mama had that effect.
I leaned down and kissed her cheek. I tried not to think about how, while her skin was unbelievably soft, it also felt paper-thin
and fragile. “I was missin’ you.”
She held my hand as she rested back in her chair, the old wood creaking under the movement. “Mmm-hmm, is that right?” It was
hard not to squirm under her intense scrutiny. “Welp,” she finally said with a smack of her lips and slap to the table as
she heaved herself to her feet. Vuitton perked his ears up expectantly. “You hungry? I think I got a lil’ sumthin’ in the
fridge.”
“I can get it.”
She placed her warm palm against my cheek. “You got sumthin’ on your mind, baby. I can see it plain as day. Sit, I got it.”
I covered her hand with mine, forcing a smile and fighting back tears. This was why I’d come here. Her understanding and caring.
She eased her way over to the same refrigerator that’d been in the house since forever. It was probably one of the first side-by-side
fridges. I don’t know if it was originally white and had just faded to the current off-tan color it was now, or if that was
how it’d come. The ice and water dispenser had stopped working years ago. One of the handles had broken, and she’d just tied
a length of leather to the remaining piece and kept it pushing.
I’d offered plenty of times to replace it, or do a full kitchen renovation, but Big Mama was of the “if it ain’t broke” mentality and refused every time.
While she went about pulling containers from the fridge, I hung my purse on the back of a chair then settled at the table.
I bought her a bigger TV for the living room sometime back, but she hardly used it, choosing to spend most of her time watching the kitchen one.
She worked diligently loading food onto a plate for me. Wrapped in the familiarity of home, my mind wandered back to the last
forty-eight hours, and I fought back the roller coaster of emotions I’d been dealing with since Courtney had walked out. I’d
honestly thought she would have been gone for a night then come to her senses. But she hadn’t, and communication had been
limited. She’d sent a single text to let me know she’d made it to Tina’s and confirmed it’d only be a few days. But that could
be three or five—she’d given no clarification. And I hadn’t asked for any.
She’d walked out on me. She’d left me . . .
We’d argue, she’d walk off in the middle, which annoyed the shit out of me, but she’d never left.
Why did everyone leave?
“Here you go. Eat up, then we’ll talk.”
Her calming voice pulled me from my spiraling thoughts. I looked at what Big Mama had placed in front of me. Her “lil’ sumthin”
was fried chicken, yams, green beans, and rolls. And Vuitton had his own mini helping, which he was already gobbling down.
I narrowed my eyes at her.
Hands on hips, she frowned at me just as hard. “What’s that look? You don’t want it?”
“Nah, just wonderin’ who you been cookin’ for?” I twisted my lips to the side and stared at her with full judgment. “What
man I gotta go chase off?”
She smacked her lips again and waved me off.
“Please, ain’t no man. I gotta eat. And them meals the church be tryin’ to send ’round—” She turned her lips up in disgust. “I don’t know who they got over in the kitchen, but I’ll do for myself for as long as I’m capable.
And the last thing I need to be worried ’bout is some man wantin’ to be all up under me. ”
I smiled at the indignation in her words and how it faltered at the tail end of her statement. Her health issues over the
last year, while minor for the most part, were still a stark reminder that she was pushing ninety. It was the one reason I
hated being over two hours away. Even though she was as headstrong as ever and fiercely independent, evident in the fact she
refused to move out of her house.
But her hair was more gray than black these days, and thinning so much she was rarely seen without one of the colorful, satin-lined
turbans I’d gotten her. And while she was still mobile for the most part, she’d slowed. A lot. More than I was comfortable
with. The thought that I could lose her loomed in the back of my mind more and more each time I visited.
I shoved the uncomfortable fact away. “Well, as soon as you’re no longer capable, you’re movin’ in with me.”
She waved me off again then retook her vacated chair. “You and yo’ wife don’t want some old lady shufflin’ ’round yo’ house.
Where is she, by the way? When I spoke to her, she said she’d come see me soon.”
I nearly choked on the bite I’d just taken. “You talked to Courtney? When?”
“Why you soundin’ so shocked?”
“I’m not. She just didn’t say nothin’ about talkin’ to you is all.”
“Don’t know what to tell ya ’bout that. But I called her after seein’ on the news her team won some big championship. They
made it sound like a big deal, so I called to say I was proud of her.”
A wave of guilt hit me. Big Mama watched nothing but the news, her soaps, and random game shows.
She knew nothing about sports, but she’d still taken the time to reach out to Courtney to congratulate her.
The memory of how her voice had broken when she’d pointed out I hadn’t bothered to even do that small thing . . .
I washed down the lump in my throat with a swig of sweet tea, wishing I had something a little stronger. “Well, you know she
travels a lot. Always busy, busy, busy.”
“She gotta work, baby.”
I stabbed at the beans, moving them around the plate, no longer hungry. “That’s all she does.”
“Aht-aht, what’s that? Why you sittin’ up here poutin’ like you did when you was a child?”
I knew I was whining, and it was no surprise Big Mama would call me out on it. She’d indulge me a little when I was younger
after my parents dropped me off because they had one thing or another they had to go do, and it had apparently been too much
of a hassle for them to include me—their only fucking child—in on their plans. It was always “work” then too, since Daddy
hadn’t been satisfied with being a lawyer and had set his sights on a political career. Campaign dinners and networking mixers
were no place for a child . . . or so they kept telling me whenever I’d cry about wanting to go with them.
“Because, Big Mama, she . . .” I swiped at the stray tear that escaped down my cheek. “She just like Momma and Daddy. Always
got somethin’ better to do that don’t include me!”
She sighed heavily and reached out to pat my arm. “Now, Sasha Renee.”
More tears fell. All the ones I wouldn’t let out two days ago. I’d kept them at bay with my anger because Courtney hadn’t wanted me there, then had the nerve to be mad when I wasn’t tripping all over myself to give her praise. She couldn’t have it both ways.
But she had been upset . . .
Then she left me . . .
I pushed my plate away, then leaned back in my chair, crossing my arms. “It’s true.”
“Is that why you done come here out the blue?”
I lifted one shoulder. “Maybe. I just wanted to be around somebody that loves me and likes my company.” And doesn’t think it’s “transactional.” For Courtney to say that, to think that of me—did she really think that of me? Of our relationship?
Vuitton barked and jumped at my ankles. I walked over to the sliding glass door to let him out to the expansive backyard.
Leaning against the frame, I watched as he ran around, rubbing himself in the grass, getting up to shake only to do it all
over again.
“What are you talkin’ ’bout? I do enjoy a good visit, but what’s happened? Because sumthin’ got you all worked up.”
I took in a shuddering breath, annoyed at the fact the tears continued to trickle when I remembered Courtney packing her stuff,
being so nonchalant about the fact she was walking out on me. Leaving me as if it were no big deal.
She was hurt. I hurt her.
That errant thought spiked right through my chest, and I had to rub the area to rid it of the phantom pains. I didn’t want
to acknowledge it that morning, but that was the real issue. I’d heard it in her voice. And I’d been too stubborn to back
down. Because she was leaving me, and that was all I’d focused on. Denise understood where I was coming from. Though, for
once, when I’d given her the rundown, she’d kept some of her snark at bay.
I hadn’t told Tanisha that Courtney had left.
I didn’t want to hear or deal with her judgment because she thought I’d gone too far by being out instead of home after Courtney’s win.
She didn’t understand and always tried to play Switzerland to keep the peace when what I needed was for her to just be on my side.
Big Mama was like that in a way. She wouldn’t try to keep the peace exactly—she would listen to me, then impart some wisdom
and words of comfort. She loved me unconditionally, no matter how much I messed up, or acted out. But I could always tell
when I’d disappointed her, even if she never said the words, and that was the worst for me. If she knew everything that had
transpired between Courtney and me over the last couple days, I couldn’t handle her disappointment in me on top of everything
else.
Vuitton gave himself another good shake before he ran back inside and down to the den where his oversized dog bed was.
“Courtney and I are just havin’ a down moment.”
Big Mama hummed and nodded. “Those happen. Y’all talk about it?”
I retook my seat. “Hard to talk if she ain’t around,” I answered with a shrug.
“Well, baby, hate to say it, but if you runnin’ away down here to me, you ain’t around either. I thought you young folks were
all supposed to be about talkin’ ’bout your feelings. Self-care and mental health wellness.”
I laughed at the frown on her face. “Big Mama, what?”
“I’m just sayin’, with your social medias and all that, puttin’ your business in the streets. How you do all that, but can’t
say shit to the person you lay down wit’ every night?” she finished as she pushed herself up and gathered my plate. “I’ll
wrap this for you.”
“You kickin’ me out?”
“No, you stay long as you want. But you can’t be wastin’ my food, and since you ain’t eatin’ I’m puttin’ it away.” She started to walk off then stopped, placing her hand on mine. “You’re an adult, you can’t be actin’ out like you did when you was young.” She patted my shoulder then walked off.
I knew she meant the antics I’d get up to as a child to try and get my parents’ attention. Hell, even stripping had been an
act of rebellion against them after they cut me off when I dropped out of college. Another thing I’d done to try to have them
pay attention to me.
Why was the fact I wanted to be with the people I loved apparently such a foreign concept? With a groan, knowing that Big
Mama was at least partially right, I dug my phone out of my purse, then headed to the den in search of my wayward pet. He
was curled up in the middle of some of his toys sleeping peacefully, not a care in the world.
Oh, what I wouldn’t give to be that carefree.
Settling onto the new plush leather sectional Big Mama had fussed at me about when I’d had it delivered as a surprise, I scrolled
to see if I had any messages. A couple from Denise and Tanisha. Denise asking when we were next hanging out, and Tanisha wondering
if I’d apologized to Courtney yet.
Why did I have to be the first one to apologize? She’d started things by not wanting me there. Again, the words she’d said
replayed in my head. “Not even a fucking congratulations.”
Maybe that was going too far. Because them winning was a major accomplishment. I purposefully hadn’t acknowledged it because I’d wanted
her to know just how pissed I was. And she did now. But at what cost? She’d left me.
A new dread, one I hadn’t considered before now, hit me. Was she thinking of leaving me permanently?
No . . . Courtney was a fixer, she didn’t give up.
She was the same woman who stopped coming to the club for two weeks then sent Tina in to ask me out because coming inside would have meant she was a patron, all because I’d told her I didn’t date customers.
Did I think it was a little out-there? Yes.
But I’d presented her with a problem, and she’d solved it.
And it was the effort and intention behind her actions. After that, we were a whirlwind.
Yeah, I may have been a little extra petty, but that was no reason to end things . . . was it? I gnawed on my bottom lip,
my stomach twisting into knots, squeezing all the air from my lungs. I loved Courtney. She loved me. Every couple had their
ups and downs, you didn’t just walk out at the first rough patch.
She would forgive me. Wouldn’t she?
“How are you out with us when your wife just had the biggest moment of her life?”
Tanisha’s question taunted me.
How badly had I fucked up?
I scrolled to the message chain with my wife then froze. What was I supposed to say? Please come home? I’m sorry? I mean I was, but my feelings were still valid and she hadn’t recognized them. But like Big Mama said, nothing got worked
out if we didn’t talk.
I started and backspaced a few messages before finally settling on: I miss you.