Chapter 46
CHAPTER FORTY-SIX
MOJAVE
Driving didn’t help like it normally would.
I didn’t even know how long I’d been on the road.
Long enough to bypass my own place and keep going.
Long enough to change directions several times.
No amount of trying to lose myself in the feel of the bike rumbling beneath me, the wind rushing over my skin, the roar of the engine, made any difference in the end.
Every time my mind wandered back to what Rachel had said, I felt like I was panicking all over again.
A two toned beep on my helmet let me know that I had a message and I pulled over on the side of the road to check it, turning off the engine and letting the quiet of the desert swallow me as the screen lit up again.
It was a message from Killian, just a normal check in, but desperation made me reckless and I rapidly typed in a message before tucking the phone away again.
I headed for the clubhouse, needing to speak to the people who knew me best about this. I wasn’t going to figure it out on my own and I couldn’t go back to Rachel’s place without knowing what to do about it. I didn’t want to saddle her with my bullshit this late at night.
The clubhouse was still lit up when I arrived, though the family men were all gone.
Only one of the prospects was around to open the gate for me, the other two either asleep or not at the clubhouse tonight.
The few guys hanging out were the single ones without kids' schedules to worry about, and I got a few chin lifts and beer raises in greeting when I stalked inside.
Prez was talking to Killian outside his office door, both of them turning when the front door opened and studying me as I came to join them.
Without a word, Prez led the way into his office, the only light on inside being his desk lamp because he knew I preferred it to be darker. It helped me think.
“Okay, Mojave. Tell us what’s going on?”
Dropping into one of the chairs facing his desk, I scrubbed my hands roughly over my face. Killian sat beside me, a hand on my shoulder, and Prez leaned against the front of his desk, sticking close. These were my brothers, my crew. If I couldn’t talk to them, then who the hell could I talk to?
“Frankie’s parents are giving up custody. They don’t want her back.”
Prez made an irritated sound, arms crossing over his chest, while Killian looked downright horrified.
“That’s messed up,” Killian said. “Frankie’s a great kid. Who wouldn’t want a kid like that?”
Prez’s rumbling grumble was displeased, but he seemed to look at it from another angle.
“I agree, but if they aren’t willing to take care of her properly, then maybe it's for the best. A long custody battle with parents who won’t put in the effort to do right by her would only make things harder and more confusing for Frankie.
That they’re not dragging things out could actually be seen as a good thing. ”
Maybe, but that wasn’t the only reason I was upset. “Rachel mentioned me keeping Frankie full time.”
That made them both pause, which was both vindicating and disheartening at the same time.
I wasn’t good enough to be her guardian.
My experience with kids was almost zero, and I didn't have parents to lean on like some of the other guys did. My parents died in a car accident while I was deployed. What could I even offer her aside from the same shit her parents did? A roof over her head, food to eat, and clothes on her back. I couldn’t give her more.
“I can tell by the look on your face that you’re freaking out right now,” Killian drawled, squeezing my shoulder tightly.
“So I’m just going to ask you one thing.
What do you need from me? Do you need to talk without interruption?
Do you need me to sit with you? Or do you want to talk through the possibility and see if you can make it work? ”
I shook my head slowly. I didn't know. This whole thing was too damn much. It being temporary was the only reason I felt good enough to take her in the first place. Rachel’s mom’s words flashed through my head, reminding me that I wasn’t experienced, I wasn’t parent material, I wasn’t–
“Mojave, I think you’re putting too much pressure on the idea of being perfect,” Prez interrupted my spiraling thoughts, his expression filled with understanding.
“Do you honestly think the other guys in the crew see themselves as perfect parents? You think I’ve never messed up before?
What about Wraith? Even Butch, with five kids, says he feels out of his depth sometimes.
Parenting isn’t about knowing all the answers beforehand.
It’s about continuing to show up and being what she needs through every up and down the two of you have together.
I’m not going to lie and say it’ll be easy.
But let me ask you this: How much will actually change?
You’ve had her for three weeks now. You do pick up and drop offs.
You bring her to the library and the park and the clubhouse to play with the other kids.
You feed her, make sure she feels safe and heard, and tuck her in every night.
How much do you really think will change if you adopt her? ”
My brows furrowed as I stared up at him. “I don’t know…”
“I can answer that,” Killian spoke up, drawing my attention to him.
“The biggest change is that the fear you have that she’ll be taken away will be gone.
She’ll be yours, you’ll always be able to protect her, and you won’t have to worry about some day her walking out that door and never coming back. ”
I grimaced. I tried not to let that particular fear show on my face on any given day. Some days, it just hit me that temporary meant one day she’d be gone. It was a hard pill to swallow and I struggled with it sometimes. But…
“I’m not good enough for her,” I croaked. “I’m still dealing with my own shit and I don’t know a damn thing about raising kids.”
“Neither did a single one of us when our kids came into our lives,” Prez reminded me.
“Hell, I still don’t know what I’m doing half the time.
But I’m not in it alone. Maggie’s going through all the firsts right along with me.
We’re both stressing hard about school in the fall, and summer just started.
You won’t be doing this alone. Hell, you’ve got better backup than most of us do because it's Rachel’s job to know what kids need to thrive.
Do you really think you’d adopt Frankie and she’d just walk away and leave you to figure it out alone? ”
I shook my head. No, I didn’t think that. I trusted Rachel. But we were still new and I didn't know what she wanted. I hadn’t stuck around long enough to talk to her about it. Which made me an asshole.
“Talk to her,” Killian murmured, giving my shoulder a little shake. “I don’t think she’d leave you hanging. And even if you two aren’t forever, your crew is. With Summer at the shop, I can even do a few pick ups for you if you’re running late. We’ve got your back.”
It was late when I returned to Rachel’s place. I considered not going inside, I didn’t want to wake her, but the porch light was still on, and it only took a few minutes before she opened the door and waited for me to come in. I forgot for a minute she was a light sleeper.
I was still unsure what I was going to do, though the conversation with Killian and Prez had helped. I needed to talk to Rachel first, though. She was Frankie’s social worker. She needed to know the full picture before she asked me to take her in permanently.
My approach was slow, my hands buried in my pockets as I came up the path to the front door.
When I looked up at her, I expected distance and maybe even disappointment.
Instead, she had that same soft understanding smile she always did, and I found myself blurting out everything I had to say in a rush.
“I don’t want to give her up. But I don’t think I’m good enough for her.
I’ve got PTSD. That’s why I meet up with Perry.
My time in the military messed with my head and I still have hard days.
And I’ve got no extended family. My parents died in an accident a few years back, and my grandparents were gone way before that.
It’s just me. You said it takes a village to raise a kid, but I don’t have the kind of village you were talking about.
My crew is the only village I’ve got. I live in a trailer in the middle of nowhere, I don’t have an actual car, only my bike to get around, and I’m not entirely comfortable with driving a cage anyway.
I don’t—” I cut myself off with a grimace.
“I care about Frankie. I want her to have the best life possible. I’m just afraid I can’t give it to her. ”
For a long moment, she didn’t say anything. I couldn’t look her in the eye, shame and heartache making it hard to breathe, much less maintain eye contact. I waited for her to agree with me, to say I was the wrong choice, but in the end, she didn’t say anything at all.
I hadn’t seen her coming when she took my hand, pulling me gently into the house and locking the door behind her.
She led me to the bedroom, urging me to change into pajamas and climb into bed.
I was confused, I didn't know what the hell she was doing or why, but she didn’t stop to explain and I couldn’t think of what else to say about it. I’d given her all I had.
Once we were in bed, lying face to face, she put her hand on my chest over my heart and rested her forehead against mine.
It wasn’t the reaction I was expecting, and a sound like a cross between a whimper and a sob escaped me, emotions choking my throat.
I didn't want to give this up. I didn’t want to give up morning walks, arguments about animal butts and cloud shapes, afternoons in the library reading together, and nights on the couch cuddled together like a real fucking family.
I’d distanced myself from my crew, from the only family I had left, after the military.
Too damn afraid to let myself get close to something I could one day lose, like I’d lost friends while deployed.
Frankie showing up brought light back into my life.
She taught me how to trust again. How to find joy even when shit was hard.
She didn’t let things get her down for long.
She was stubborn and spunky and determined to live her life her way.
She had no idea just how much her showing up in my life meant to me. Losing her would destroy me.
The dam finally broke, and I clutched tightly to Rachel’s hand on my chest, keeping her from pulling away while my world silently shattered.
I didn’t cry, but I did squeeze my eyes shut, wishing more than anything that I could be good enough.
For Frankie. For Rachel. I wanted to be good enough. I just didn’t fucking know how.
Rachel didn’t rush me. Didn’t demand answers or try to convince me. She just waited, her hand a steady pressure on my chest, until it no longer felt like I was drowning and I could finally breathe again.
“I know I’m asking a lot of you,” she murmured eventually.
“And if you decide it’s too much, I won’t hold that against you.
You didn’t sign up for becoming a full time parent.
You were being kind by walking a scared little girl home.
But I’ve never seen two people better matched than the two of you.
You make each other feel safe. Heard. I think you’d miss it if she was gone.
And I know she’d miss you.” Her thumb brushed soothingly over my chest, her legs tangling with mine in another point of contact to ground me to her and the moment.
“I know you don’t think you’re good enough.
But I think you’re too focused on what you don’t have, and not what you’ve already given her. ”
A frown pulled at my lips, but she explained before I had to ask.
“Frankie no longer comes home with a bloody nose from being bullied. She walks to school with her head held high and a smile on her face. She doesn’t ever have to worry about coming home to an empty house or be forced to fend for herself again.
She feels safe to express herself, knowing she can come to you for anything and you’ll always be there to back her up.
She’s never had that before. You might not know the details on child development and what to expect as she grows, but you know what she needs now.
That’s what matters, Mojave. The rest, we’ll figure out along the way. ”
“We?” I croaked, clinging a little tighter to her hand.
“Yes, we,” she laughed lightly. “We’ve been in this together from the start. I love Frankie and I want to see her blossom into the spunky young woman I know she’ll be. I’m not leaving you to face this alone.”
Releasing a slow, shaky breath, I let that sink in.
I wasn’t sure why I was so sure if I took custody of Frankie, I’d be doing it alone.
I had my crew. I had Rachel. Hell, I had Perry and the other guys at the Vet Center, too.
The reminder that I wasn’t alone in this helped.
I still wasn’t sure about it, and it was possible I’d never feel fully prepared, but Prez said the same thing happened with him.
He still showed up for that little girl and she was thriving because of it. I could do that for Frankie.