Chapter 8 #2
‘It has a bit.’ Hope gave her a half smile, wondering if it was wrong to say any more, but she needed to offload to someone who might be able to help her understand why the case she’d just dealt with had left her feeling so weighed down by emotion.
‘Does it ever get easier, working with women and babies you might not be able to help?’
‘If it does then you’re in the wrong job.’ Gwen turned around and lifted a slice of cake onto a plate with some tongs.
‘I didn’t order—’
Gwen cut off her protestation before she could even get it out. ‘You need it. Trust me. The days when I thought I was going to lose a baby – or even worse, when I did – are all still stored up here.’
She tapped one side of her head with her forefinger. ‘I can still picture the moment and remember how it felt. It’s part of the job, but that doesn’t make it any easier.’
‘It doesn’t.’ Hope frowned. ‘And I froze up a bit, almost couldn’t bring myself to check for the baby’s heartbeat.’
‘But you did.’ Gwen waited until Hope nodded and then pushed the cake even closer towards her. ‘That takes more bravery than most people will ever understand. You did your job, and you were there for that woman and her baby when they needed you. That’s all that matters.’
‘I didn’t feel in the least bit brave.’
‘Ah well, you’ll have to take it from me that you were and, even after the toughest of days, I can promise you that cake will make things feel better.’
‘Thank you. How much do I owe you?’ A tiny bit of the unease that Hope had been feeling started to lift, but then Gwen shook her head.
‘My treat. I’m always going to miss midwifery, but it’s nice to be a small part of it, even if it’s only doing what I can to raise the spirits of those of you still in the thick of it.’
‘Thank you so much.’ Hope forced a smile, but the unease had been squashed by guilt.
She shouldn’t have been so affected by Elena’s case, especially as the baby’s heartbeat had been strong and steady.
And she hadn’t been honest about what else it was that had affected her so badly, but she couldn’t tell anyone about that.
Least of all someone like Gwen, who seemed to know everyone in the hospital.
The news would probably reach Joe before Hope had even swallowed her last mouthful of cake.
She felt like she was lying to everyone by omission and that she’d garnered Gwen’s sympathy on false pretences.
God knows how people had affairs, because all this duplicity was making her feel awful.
Taking a seat at one of the tables, Hope tried to concentrate on reading an article on her phone about continuous professional development programmes for midwives, but every time she spotted someone out of the corner of her eye walking down the corridor, she looked up in case it was Esther or Joe.
After forty minutes, Gwen had brought over another drink, without Hope needing to order it, and had briefly squeezed her shoulder.
The action forced Hope to tightly shut her eyes, in order to stop tears from leaking out.
She couldn’t have explained them away, not even to Gwen.
It would have seemed like an overreaction after dealing with a mother-to-be who, as far as she knew, was doing well.
She should leave soon. She told herself that again as she stirred sugar into her second latte.
Esther wasn’t going to come. She was probably tied up with patients and, even if she did eventually have time to act upon the message Hope had left, she wouldn’t expect her to still be sitting waiting outside the coffee shop.
It would have seemed like very odd behaviour for someone who’d been due to go home after the end of her night shift hours before.
On the tiny chance that Esther did come looking for her, the last thing she wanted was for Joe’s wife to think of her as odd, or to start to wonder why on earth she’d wait around for so long.
She wouldn’t put two and two together, that was impossible, but it might make her wary of Hope, and that was a very uncomfortable thought.
She wanted Esther and Joe to like her, even if she could never tell them why it was so important to her that they did.
Then suddenly, there they were, walking along the corridor towards her.
‘Oh brilliant, you’re still here, we didn’t think you would be.
’ Esther beamed at her and there was nothing in her tone to suggest she thought Hope was odd for hanging around so long.
Joe’s face was open and friendly too, but Hope’s cheeks coloured all the same and she felt the need to explain her presence away.
‘I was just about to leave, but Gwen is far too good at plying me with coffee and cake, so I ended up staying longer than I planned.’
‘She’s very good at that, isn’t she? But I’m glad you’re still here.
If not, I was going to see if Jess could give me your number, so I could make sure you got the update.
’ Esther paused for a moment, and Hope tried to read her expression.
She looked far too smiley for someone about to impart bad news and what she said next confirmed Hope’s tentative optimism.
‘Adriana persuaded Elena to have a scan and everything looks fine with the baby, thank God. She’s on an IV now to replace some of the fluids she’s lost and she’s being moved up to the maternity department. ’
‘Oh, that’s great news! Did Adriana say whether they’re going to induce her?’
‘Probably, but they want to make sure the baby’s lungs are mature enough first, so Adriana said she might need to be given some kind of steroid, I think it was?’
‘That will be antenatal corticosteroids.’ Hope nodded.
If the baby was ready to be delivered that would be the best option, given how fragile Elena’s mental health appeared to be, especially as there was no way of knowing when she might withdraw her consent to any type of treatment, or even start refusing fluids again.
Esther seemed to read her mind. ‘I didn’t think we’d persuade her to let us get anywhere near her when she first came in, let alone agree to all the things she consented to once Adriana arrived.’
‘She’s a brilliant doctor.’
‘Funnily enough, she said you were a brilliant midwife too,’ Joe interjected and Hope flushed a far deeper shade of red this time.
These were the first words her biological father had spoken directly to her, and she couldn’t have asked for him to say anything better if she’d written the script herself.
He was smiling at her so warmly and there was something about the way his mouth lifted, ever so slightly more on one side than it did on the other, which she recognised in herself.
She was almost sure it would be imperceptible to anyone else, no one had ever mentioned to Hope that they’d noticed it in her, but she’d peered at her reflection in the mirror and looked at photographs with a critical eye often enough to have seen it in herself.
She could see it in Joe too, and there wasn’t even a grain of doubt in her mind that Laura had been telling the truth when she said he was her father.
‘She couldn’t sing your praises highly enough,’ Esther added, smiling just as broadly as her husband. ‘I was telling her what a great call you’d made asking the maternity team to send her down and she said they all think you’ve been wonderful since you arrived.’
Hope attempted a casual shrug, part of her wanting to allow herself to just enjoy the praise from these people who had no knowledge of how much they meant to her, but the rest of her feeling unable to accept it. ‘All I did was suggest Adriana came down, she’s the one who got through to Elena.’
‘That’s not true at all. Somehow you managed to get Elena to trust you enough to listen to the baby’s heartbeat and, when you let her hear it too, that’s when she really started to open up. It’s what made her willing to accept Adriana’s help when she arrived.’
‘Maybe…’
‘There’s no “maybe” about it.’ Joe’s tone was resolute; the smile still firmly fixed on his face. ‘And if you ever fancy a change of direction, we can always use people with your kind of skills in the mental health team.’