Chapter 16 #3
‘That’s amazing, and you know what I think about how incredible adoption can be.
’ Jess beamed, before turning to look in Hope’s direction They didn’t need to exchange words, Hope knew that Jess was waiting for permission to continue and, when she nodded, Jess did exactly that.
‘And of course, Hope can tell you about experiencing it from the other side, having been adopted herself.’
Hope had told Jess she was happy to talk about her adoption after it had come up at the delivery of Rebecca Kim’s baby and at the infertility support group.
Nonetheless, Jess had still looked towards Hope for her agreement before saying anything, and Hope had given it, because it would have seemed odd not to.
She’d never expected to have to talk to her biological father about it in a hypothetical way, but here she was.
‘It’s been amazing for me. I’ve got the best parents I could ask for and three fabulous sisters, who are my family in every sense of the word.
And I think you and Esther would make brilliant parents.
’ All of that was true and looking at the expression on Joe’s face, she was glad she’d had the chance to say it, whatever else she did or didn’t tell him in the future.
‘That’s great to hear. I think the thing that worries Esther the most is that the child might always feel a bond to the biological family that we can’t replicate.’
‘In my experience, bonds are about a lot more than shared DNA.’ Hope knew this to be true and when she’d met Laura, all it had done was strengthen that belief. Yet with Joe she could sense a bond she almost wished she didn’t feel.
‘So you’ve never wanted to find your birth family?
’ There was Gwen again, asking the kind of question that others might have steered clear of, and suddenly it felt like Hope was being backed into a corner she couldn’t get out of.
She wanted to close down the conversation and talk about something else, before she developed a kind of spontaneous Tourette’s Syndrome and announced to everyone within earshot that Joe was her biological father.
‘I decided to find my birth mother because of some medical information I needed, but I’ve no idea who my birth father is.
’ It was the same story she’d told Jess, but it was only when she felt Louie stiffen beside her that she realised what she’d done.
He knew that wasn’t true and that she’d just lied to the others.
What he had no idea of was why, and she had even less idea how she was going to explain it to him when he asked.
Hope had walked to the far end of the garden to stand by the Wendy house that had been painted in blue and white stripes and looked more like a small version of a beach hut than a house.
She’d needed some time on her own to gather her thoughts, still trying to work out why she hadn’t been able to admit in front of Joe that she knew who her father was.
All she could think of was that she was afraid of what he might say if she’d admitted that her father had no idea she existed, even though she had the information to track him down if she wanted.
If Joe had told her he thought her father had a right to know, would that have taken away her choice to stay silent?
Perhaps he’d have said the opposite, which might have taken away the possibility of ever telling him the truth.
There couldn’t be any other logical reason for it, because there was no way he’d ever be able to guess the link between the two of them.
‘Are you okay?’ Louie’s voice behind Hope made her jump and, as she turned around to face him, she clutched her chest.
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you,’ he apologised. ‘I was just a bit worried about you. It looked like you might be upset and I wondered if it was all the talk about the adoption, and that maybe you wished you hadn’t been put on the spot like that.’
‘It wasn’t that so much, I just…’ She scanned his face, seeing the worry there, but there was doubt too. She could hardly blame him for doubting what she was saying, after all, he’d heard her tell an outright lie. ‘It was just when Joe started to talk about adopting a baby, I felt so…’
For the second time she couldn’t finish the sentence and this time Louie decided to fill in the blanks for himself. ‘I think I can see what the problem is. You’ve got feelings for Joe.’
Hope widened her eyes in surprise, wanting to tell him that he was wrong, but when no words came out, he was forced to continue.
‘I kept trying to tell myself that all the questions you’ve been asking me about Joe didn’t mean anything and that you were just interested in my job.
But watching you today, looking at him with such intensity on your face, I knew there was more to it.
’ There was no accusation in his tone, just a sense of sadness.
‘When you told him you didn’t know who your dad was, it seemed to shut down the conversation about adoption and it felt like that was what you wanted.
The thought of Joe and Esther starting a family is too painful, because you’ve got feelings for him. ’
‘Oh God, no!’ Hope finally found her voice, the words coming out in a rush in her horror at the conclusion Louie had reached.
She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at the absurdity of them, but she was going to have to tell him the truth.
It wasn’t just that she needed to unburden herself to someone she trusted, she couldn’t bear the thought of him thinking she had those kinds of feelings for Joe.
Louie had already come to mean a lot to her and the last thing she wanted to do was hurt him.
Looking up the garden towards the house, the party was still in full swing.
She could see Joe and Esther sitting on a picnic rug with Jess, Dexter and their children, a long way out of earshot.
There was no one but her and Louie at this end of the garden, so there was nothing to stop her saying what she needed to say.
Yet somehow, she still hesitated, leaving Louie to fill the silence again.
‘Look, I won’t lie and say it doesn’t hurt, because I really like you, but what I care about most is that you—’
Taking a deep breath, she cut him off, her words spilling out the moment she exhaled. ‘You’re right, I have got feelings for Joe, but they’re not what you think. It’s because it’s him, he’s my biological father; the one I didn’t know if I should tell, because of what it might do to Esther.’
The creak behind them as the door of the Wendy house swung open drowned out whatever response Louie might have been about to make.
Danni came out of the small space, navigating her exit slowly, because of the size of her bump and with her toddler son clutching her hand.
When she finally stood face to face with Hope, she only uttered three words.
‘Is it true?’
All Hope could do was nod.