Chapter 20 #2
‘I love you so much, too.’ She went up on to her tiptoes and pressed her lips against his, the rigidity in his body beginning to relax as she held him.
Joe must have thought the crisis had been averted, but that wasn’t true.
There was no quick fix for this, no words that could just make it right.
‘And that’s why I’m going to go to Mum and Dad’s, for as long as it takes us to work out what we really want. ’
‘I already know what I really want.’
‘How can you? When you’re not allowing yourself to question it?’ She took hold of his hand. ‘I want you to go and see Hope, and let yourself consider the possibility of a life that involves her.’
‘She might not even want that.’ There was a desperation in his eyes now, but Esther had released his hand, and she was already stepping away, moving closer to the holdalls lined up side by side in the hallway of their home.
‘And that’s something you need to find out too, without me around to muddy the waters.’ She shrugged him off as he tried to reach out to her again. ‘If you really love me, Joe, you need to let me do this, otherwise I really can’t see there being a chance for us. I mean it.’
‘Okay, if that’s what you want. I’ll give you whatever you need and do whatever it takes to sort this out.
’ The words were strained and, when she turned to look at him, his eyes were filled with tears too.
Becoming a father hadn’t brought him the joy she’d dreamt it would, and that was because of her.
Right now, she couldn’t envisage a road back to them meaning as much to one another as they always had.
But she had to believe there was still a chance, because she didn’t even want to try to imagine spending the rest of her life without him.
It had been almost three weeks since Hope had gone to see Esther and Joe and told them everything Laura had told her.
Working in the community instead of the hospital had made things easier, but the thought of accidently bumping into Joe or Esther still made her feel like the best thing she could do for everyone’s sake was to leave Cornwall and not look back.
All she’d done in their lives was to stir up difficult feelings and make herself vulnerable to getting hurt too.
She understood why Esther felt the way she did, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t painful.
Hope had pushed Joe away and told him to focus on his wife, which she was certain was the right thing to do, but that hadn’t prevented the feeling of emptiness from settling in her chest. It would almost certainly be easier on them all if she just left, there’d be no expectations or hopes for what might happen between them, that way.
The trouble was, there were other reasons she didn’t want to go.
She loved her job and the team of midwives in Port Agnes were the best she’d ever worked with.
There were women she was supporting in the community who she’d formed bonds with, and she longed to see their pregnancies through to the end.
And then there was Louie. For the past three weeks he’d been endlessly patient; listening to her say the same thing over and over again about how difficult the situation was, how she should never have said anything and contented herself with learning what type of man Joe was from afar.
Every time, Louie had tried to reassure her she’d done nothing wrong and that he was certain Joe would rather know the truth.
She doubted that, though. Despite the things that Joe had said, she’d still bet that he’d rather go back to blissful ignorance, when his wife was happy.
It might have been purely accidental, but Hope’s actions had inadvertently broken Esther’s heart and she was sure they would have broken Joe’s too, as a result.
She had a week left to go until she had to let Jess know whether she was going to stick around and she still had no idea what her answer would be, because there were so many reasons to stay, but one huge reason to leave that threatened to overwhelm everything else.
All the going backwards and forwards trying to decide what to do was exhausting and Hope was determined that today she wouldn’t allow it to take up all the space in her head.
Louie had booked them a boat trip from Port Tremellien to go dolphin watching.
If that wasn’t enough to take her mind off things, she wasn’t sure if anything could.
‘This is just what I needed, thank you.’ Hope slipped her hand into Louie’s as they walked along the promenade in the direction of the meeting point.
They still had half an hour to kill and there was an ice cream shop on the harbour that sold the most delicious mango ice cream.
Ever since Hope had first tried it, she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it whenever she fancied something sweet.
It was a beautiful day, perfect ice cream weather, and since Louie had resolutely refused to let her make any contribution towards the boat trip, she fully intended to treat him to the biggest ice cream the shop sold.
‘It’s just what I needed too.’ Louie’s tone was warm. ‘But it’s always my favourite way to spend my day off.’
‘Dolphin watching?’
‘No, with you.’ He smiled that wonderfully disarming smile that had made her like him from the start, and which made her like him a little bit more every time she saw it.
She loved the fact that there was absolutely no game playing with him either, and no secrets.
He was honest and straightforward about how he felt, and that was something else she needed right now more than ever, even if it made the decision about whether to leave even harder.
‘That’s just earned you an even bigger scoop of ice cream.’ She stopped to kiss him, the door of the ice cream shop just ten metres away, so she didn’t see the people emerging or walking towards them, until it was far too late to dart out of the way, or try to hide.
‘Hello, Louie.’ Hope recognised Joe’s voice even before she turned to look at him and he greeted her too, relief flooding her body when she realised he was with his sister rather than Esther. ‘Hello, Hope.’
‘Hi, Joe. Good to see you, Danni.’ Louie kissed her on both cheeks, but Hope seemed rooted to the spot, her arms held in close to her sides.
‘Good to see you too, Louie.’ Danni smiled. ‘And you, Hope. How have you been?’
‘Keeping busy with work.’ She gave a little shrug, trying to act far more casual than she felt. ‘How have you been? Not long now.’
‘No, not long at all.’ Danni rested a hand on her bump. ‘And it’s like having a huge built-in hot water bottle, which I don’t need with the current weather. Hence dragging Joe to the ice cream parlour. Although I didn’t need to twist his arm too much, given his addiction to mango ice cream.’
She gave her brother a gentle nudge, and Louie smiled. ‘That’s your favourite too, isn’t it, Hope?’
‘Yes, one of them.’ She tried to brush Louie’s comment off, despite how innocuous it was. Not wanting Joe to think she was desperately trying to find some kind of link between them. For an awkward moment, no one said anything.