The Misadventures of Ukobach and Elsie (and Krax): The Collection (and Krax)

Chapter 1

CHAPTER

ONE

Tonight, my eyebrows taught me several life lessons.

One: no cheating, piece-of-shit ex-boyfriend was worth breaking your apartment’s open-fire rules. Because it will set off the interior fire alarms, and then the sprinklers will come on and soak everything. Every. Damn. Thing.

Two: do not share the bottle of vodka you’ve been sipping all night with the fire pit you created using pictures of you and your good-for-nothing douche of an ex. It will flare up like a massive fireball and burn off your eyebrows and lashes.

Three: as you pour on your vodka, don’t slurringly curse that slimy fucker to Hell, and accidentally summon a demon. Apparently, my drunken sobbing must’ve sounded a little like Latin.

I rubbed the nubbly stubs of my eyebrows and put down the bottle of vodka. Shit. I’d had way too much to drink. I’d missed the puking stage and headed straight for alcohol poisoning, because my drunken delusion was naked. And hot.

And hung.

I dragged my eyes up from his huge dick.

“Thank you,” he snarled.

“What?”

“You said I had a huge dick. The human response to such a statement is ‘thank you’, is it not?”

I wiped the water from my face as the sprinklers continued to rain down on my head, making me feel like I was a drowned rat.

I stepped toward my tiny galley kitchen and poured the rest of the vodka down the sink.

It might have been a bit of a symbolic gesture, considering there was less than a mouthful remaining, but it was all about admitting you had a problem, or taking small steps, or whatever was the first step of realizing you’d messed up.

I had a problem, all right. I’d drunk so much that I’d killed all my brain cells, and now I was seeing hot guys in my living room.

I dropped the bottle in the sink. “Fuck you, Cade, you asshole.” I was going to turn around and the naked hot guy with the horns was going to be gone.

I was going to make some coffee, and then when the hot firefighters responded to the fire alarm, I’d pretend to be passed out so they’d carry me down the stairs of my shitty apartment block like knights in fluorescent armor. And there would definitely be no demon.

Let’s face it, I wasn’t that lucky. This wasn’t a romcom where I’d break up with my shitty boyfriend and suddenly have a hot dude thrust into my lap. Or maybe thrust between my thighs.

Heh. I was funny.

“That was quite humorous.”

I whirled around, and the naked guy with the huge dick and horns was still there. Oh shit. Oh shit, shit, shit, shit. I scrubbed a hand over my face again. Nope, still there. I rubbed my eyes once more and pinched my arm hard enough to bruise. Nope, still there.

“You’re actually here.”

He inclined his head, his horns shining like onyx in my downlights. “You summoned me.”

I scrabbled back toward the other wall. “I did not!” I yelled, but my words were still slurred, so it sounded more like, “I slid knot!”

Okay, maybe I had. Who knew what I’d been drunkenly wailing?

“Well, I’m, uh… sorry for the inconvenience, but you can go now.”

He canted his head to the left a little. “You did not create a summoning circle.” He stepped toward me a little further. “You cannot command me to go back. You cannot command me to do anything.”

Fear began to burn off the alcohol, and the demon remained. Nakedly remained. “Are you going to kill me and eat my gizzards? Steal my soul and take it to Hell? Oh Jesus, are you going to dismember me and bathe in my blood?”

He frowned, looking me over, starting at my feet and slowly moving up over my waist—which, according to Cade, now had too many lumpy bits. Up to my breasts, which were not quite as gravity-defying as I’d like, because who wore a bra when they were day drinking? No one, that’s who.

Finally, he settled on my face, which was a little too round, with eyes that were a little too big. I looked like a kewpie doll. But not in a cute way. In a disconcerting way.

“Are you a virgin?”

“What?”

“Are you a virgin?” he repeated.

“No!” I said adamantly. Sure, maybe I was a little bit chunky, but I wasn’t a damn swamp troll.

Cade had been hot. A personal trainer. Tattooed.

All my friends had been envious when we’d gotten together.

Well, I guess they weren’t envious anymore, considering he’d slept with all of them. Tears welled in my eyes again.

Fuck Cade. You have bigger problems right now, I told myself sternly.

The demon walked around my tiny apartment, picking up my things and examining them, completely unperturbed by the sprinklers.

“Well then, there would be no point in bathing in your blood. It has no special ritualistic properties. It would just get crusted in my hair, and it is a real pain in the horns to get out.”

I blinked. “Oh. Okay. That’s good,” I said dumbly.

He stopped at the fire bucket, which was now filled with water, and pulled out a picture of me and Cade, looking happy at last year's work Christmas party.

When I looked at it now, I noticed that I was smiling at the camera, but Cade?

He was smiling off to the side. Probably at Madison, the new secretary.

And her tiny skirt. And her really, really long legs.

That photo made me feel even more miserable.

“Would you like me to dismember him?” the demon asked, quirking a dark, straight eyebrow.

Clearly, I’d had too much to drink and fallen into a coma.

I had to hope someone would find my body before I turned to goo and decomposed into the carpet.

Considering this was probably a coma dream, and pesky things like morals and ethics didn’t really matter, I had to ask myself, did I really want Cade dismembered?

I sighed heavily. “No. But thanks for the offer. Is there something a little less permanent?”

The demon smiled sexily, which was disconcerting, since his teeth were all pointed, except the front two. “I could flay him? With enough medical intervention, I am sure he would survive.”

Well, who didn’t love a good flaying?

The demon began to walk toward me, and my eyes involuntarily dropped to his dick again.

I couldn’t help it. It was like a freakin’ metronome or something, swinging to and fro in front of his strong, muscular thighs.

I noticed his whole body was coated in swirling black runes that seemed to disappear if I looked at them directly.

Those I managed to look away from, because I was a little worried I’d vomit from the motion sickness.

A steady thumping on my door let me know that the building manager had worked out that I’d been the one breaking the rules. “Miss Watson! Miss Watson! Are you okay? Have you got an open fire in there? Miss Watson!”

My head whipped between the naked demon and the door. “You need to leave,” I hissed. “Back to Hell ye go!” He raised both eyebrows at me, but didn’t move. “You can’t be here. I’m not allowed… pets.”

Oh. Now he looked pissed. But with a snap of his fingers, he put on a meat suit.

Honestly, I couldn’t think of a better term for it.

He ran his hands up his body, starting at his feet.

The swirling tattoos disappeared first, replaced with black hair.

He was now clothed in tight, boxer-style underwear that did nothing to hide his junk, and by the time he brushed his hands over his horns—making them disappear back into his head—I was fully freaked out.

It was like he was zipping himself into a sleeping bag or something.

“Am I less pet-like to you now?”

He was fucking gorgeous, and I was a dead woman walking. I just nodded and walked over to the door in a daze, opening it to Frank, the Super. He was a bit of a creeper, and he’d also been friends with Cade, so he was doubly bad in my book.

I realized I was still in my underwear and a tank that said I Woke Up Like This when Frank’s eyes went straight to my boobs, then down to my exposed thighs. He didn’t seem impressed, and I wanted to both punch him in the face and lick the remaining vodka out of the sink.

Frank lifted his eyes back to my face. “Do you have an open flame in there, Miss Watson?”

I rolled my eyes. “Call me Elsie, Frank. It’s not like I haven’t seen you puking your guts up and crying that Lucy in 6B rejected your petition for a date.”

Frank’s top lip curled. I knew he was about to unleash some scathing comment, but suddenly, the demon appeared behind me. Frank took in my lack of clothes and the underwear clad demon, and drew the wrong conclusion. A conclusion I was one hundred percent on board with.

“That’s not Cade.”

“No, Frank. This is why they pay you the big bucks. Can’t get anything by you.

” The demon’s chest warmed my back, and a shiver rippled over my skin.

“As you can see, I didn’t light any fires tonight.

Try Mrs. Chan next door—maybe she left her wok on again.

” I’d take Mrs Chan a box of those Belgian chocolates she liked to apologize for throwing her under the bus.

Frank continued to look between us, like he was trying to do the mental arithmetic where you added my thigh dimples to the demon’s well-defined abs, and was beginning to realize that something didn’t add up.

But the demon, for whatever reason, ran his hand around my hip and across my stomach, pulling me tight against his chest. He put his lips next to my ear. “Can I decapitate this one?”

I honked out a rather unsexy laugh. Frank’s eyes were now as wide as saucers. “I gotta go, Frank. Good luck finding”—the demon growled in my ear, and I shivered again—“whatever.” Then I slammed the door and backed up against it with a thud, putting a bit of space between me and the demon.

He was grinning widely. “Oh, that was fun.” He sighed, shook his hands, and then his meat suit went up in flames.

“What the actual hell?” I screeched, as every inch of him was covered in flames. When the fire died down, he was back in his own form, naked and horny. I mean, with horns.

I was back to being awkward, and quite frankly, a little spark of fear was still churning in my gut. He’d helped me out with Frank, but maybe it was because he wanted Frank to go away so he could stab me in the heart and eat me.

“Uh, so you’ll be going now?”

The demon laid down on my couch. “I thought I might just have a look around. See what everyone is always gushing about when they talk about the mortal realm.” His nose twitched. “I can smell your fear, human. It is unnecessary. I do not intend on doing anything to your person.”

A wave of relief was chased by a small spark of disappointment. I didn’t want to examine that small emotion too closely, but I was self-aware enough to know it had something to do with the fact he was packing a small baseball bat down there.

“Um, okay, that’s good. Will you be leaving my apartment then?”

He shrugged, tipping his head back so his shaggy black hair hung over the arm of my couch. “Where would I go? Eventually, they will come and take me back. But first, I think I’d like to live a little. What do you say?”

“No dismembering? No blood-letting of any kind? You aren’t allowed to, uh, take advantage of me?

” I blushed, feeling like a damn idiot. Who said shit like that?

Plus, he was a demon. Demons could definitely lie.

Maybe tomorrow I’d be nothing but parts, and the demon could be dry-humping my dismembered elbow like a terrier on a fire hydrant.

But I didn’t think so, and if I was wrong, then I’d be dead anyway. Whatevs.

“I’ll be a perfect angel,” he said, showing his sharp teeth once more. I shuddered, and he ruined his scary visage by giggling. Like an actual tee-hee.

Fuck it. This was worth it just so Frank could run back to Cade and tell him I was shacking up with a hot dude who had a python for a dick.

“Okay, you can stay. Do you have a name?”

“Ukobach,” he murmured. The way he pronounced it, the end sound was like you were trying to spit while someone stuck a red hot poker up your butt. I wasn’t sure I could imitate that sound.

“That’s a pretty name. Can I just call you Uko, though? Wouldn’t want to mess up the pronunciation and accidentally summon your brother too.”

He gave a short, humorless laugh. “You wouldn’t want to summon him. He’s an asshole.” He was eyeing my naked legs again, and I wondered if I should go and put on some yoga pants. I mean, it was basically just a semblance of decency, but as we’d already discovered, it was the thought that counted.

Ah, screw it. Too late now.

“Well, Uko. I think I might go to bed now.”

He stood and rolled his shoulders. “Lead the way, human.”

“Uh. No. One, my name is Elsie. Me Elsie, you Uko. Two, I’m going to bed alone.” That last bit was for Uko and my errant vagina, who’d suddenly perked up at the idea of going to bed with the anaconda.

Apparently, demons could pout and do cute eyes. You know the ones? Like an anime character, all big and black and sparkly?

I felt myself waver and gave my lady cave a mental smack on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper. No, that’s a bad Cave of Wonder. Bad!

I raced to the linen press, threw a pillow and blanket at the still pouting demon, then locked myself in my room. Tomorrows hangover was going to be a nightmare, but maybe the demon in my living room was just a bad dream?