Chapter fourteen
I paused to composemyself, not wanting my voice to break. “What’s wrong, Nathan? Are you jealous?”
Nathan’s face turned to one of complete and utter anger, then within seconds it washed away and became that unreadable mask I had come to know so well. He sat back in his chair and smiled ruefully, his words coming out like poison, his tone ice cold.
“Jealous? Of that waiter? Of you flirting with him? I don’t think so, Rose. You know what you are to me and there are plenty of women out there who would gladly take your place. You’re not the only woman who looks good in a tight black dress and a Wonderbra.”
I felt like I’d been slapped across the face, in fact, I think I would have preferred to have been slapped, then to have Nathan speak to me the way he just did. That was not the response I’d been expecting. I had wanted him to say yes. Or at least say that he didn’t want me to be with anyone else. That there was no one like me. But I knew now that it was never going to happen, that I was wasting my time trying to get anything even close to love out of Nathan Davenport.
“Well, why are you fighting so hard to keep me in your life, Nathan?” I bit out, becoming angry myself. “Go and find yourself one of those brainless women who you can use and throw away. I do not want to be with you if that’s all you’re looking for.”
Nathan paused while the waiter brought over a bottle of wine. The waiter poured us both a glass and quietly walked away, obviously reading the tension between us.
“I enjoy a challenge, Rose. It keeps me on my toes,” he smiled. “I like winning and I know that you cannot resist me, no matter how hard you try.”
“Am I worth the challenge, Nathan?” I pushed, hoping to catch him out.
“The sex is good, great even. I’m physically attracted to you,” he stated simply.
“I still don’t understand how you can want a relationship with someone based only on physical attraction? I’m not asking you to love me but at least show that you care in some way. Commit to only me. You just told me that I’m nothing. Completely replaceable. What’s wrong with you?”
“Your little stunt before just proved why, Rose. Relationships of any other kind don’t work, everything always comes back to physical attraction. I just cut the crap and deal with the physical stuff. No one gets hurt.”
I looked into Nathan’s eyes and softly shook my head. I felt sorry for him having such a negative take on love and relationships. “Everyone gets hurt when you don’t care about anyone, Nathan. In the end everyone eventually goes home alone.”
It must have dawned on Nathan what I was doing, I could see the look in his eyes change. He’d been in too much of a rage to realise before. He knew I wasn’t interested in the waiter. I wasn’t even doing this to make him mad. I was trying to get him to see his true feelings, to make him jealous enough to make him fight for me. I just knew there were feelings there between us. There was something more than sex.
The waiter brought out our meals and I smiled at him, but my heart wasn’t in it anymore. Nathan had made his feelings very clear and I would have to learn to accept it. The waiter seemed to sense the change of mood at the table, because he put our meals down in front of us and quietly walked away.
Nathan and I ate our dinner in silence. When we’d finished Nathan suggested we walk back to the hotel to get some fresh air. I agreed because I needed more time to think about what had just happened between us.
It was a beautiful balmy night and I would never have even guessed it was winter in Hawaii if I hadn’t already known. As Nathan and I walked along the sidewalk I drew in a deep breath of salty air that helped to clear my head. The whole island still had a calming effect on me and I felt some of my tension melt away. Everything was so relaxed and peaceful, even on the busy main street people just seemed to go with the flow.
Nathan glanced down at me as we walked. I wondered if he noticed me breath in deeply, trying to calm myself. Was he feeling guilty about how he had spoken to me at the restaurant? He’d gone too far and I hoped he knew it. I know I wanted more from him than he was able to give but if he just gave me something I’d be able to try to stick around.
He’d been angry for so long now that it became an instant reaction to behave the way he did. To never show you care, because your heart will always be broken. I knew he felt it wasn’t worth the trouble or the pain.
“Rose, I want to talk about what I said before,” Nathan said as we walked down by the beach.
“No need. You had every right to say what you’re feeling,” I shrugged, looking at my feet.
“No, I didn’t. I overreacted and went too far. I shouldn’t have been so rude to you.”
I glanced up at him. “Well, why were you?”
Nathan sighed and rubbed at his chin. “I was jealous, okay? I told you I don’t want to share you with anyone and I meant it.”
“You don’t want me but nobody else can have me either? What if I don’t want to share you?”
“It’s not that black and white.”
I shook my head. “I think you’re making this much harder than it needs to be.”
“This is as easy as it can get at the moment, Rose. I don’t want a relationship with anyone, I’ve told you that before. But I don’t want you out of my life either.”
“So I can’t have a relationship? I’m supposed to wait around for you get bored of me?”
“We did have a deal,” he responded, but I knew that it was a weak argument considering he’d already told me the deal was off.
“You said yourself, Nathan, that what we have now is more than that. There is no deal anymore.”
He sighed. “I did and you’re right, it is more than that. But I’m just not willing to give you up completely. I can’t love you but I can’t let you go.”
We arrived at the hotel and went up to the room. As soon as the suite door closed behind us Nathan reached out and pulled me close to him. He wrapped his arms tight around my body and held me close as he nuzzled my neck and trailed kisses up to my lips. He needed to feel me close to him, I could feel it in his kisses. I knew he didn’t enjoy upsetting me and he wanted to make it up to me the best way he knew how. The only way he knew how.
Even though I knew this, I still tried to push Nathan away. I was still mad at him. His words had hurt and I didn’t know if I could forgive him so soon. Nathan knew that the waiter meant nothing and I was trying to get him to see his true feelings towards me. But he still couldn’t let his guard down.
I pushed back on Nathan and he tried to stop me from pushing him away. I just couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to be in love. Why didn’t he want to try.
“Come on, angel, don’t be mad at me,” Nathan whispered in my ear. “I said I’m sorry for what I said to you. Don’t do this tonight. It’s our last night here, I want to enjoy it with you.” He kissed me softly across my shoulders. “You look so amazing in this dress. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about taking it off you all night.”
I sighed. I wanted to stay mad at him, but I couldn’t. I wanted to be with him too much to waste time being angry. If this was all he was willing to give me, then I’d accept it. For tonight only.
“If you think the dress is amazing, you should see what I have on underneath.”
Nathan groaned. He picked me up and carried me over to the bed, where he slowly removed my dress.
“Oh man,” Nathan breathed huskily. He ran a finger along the black lace of my bra. “You are breathtaking.”
“You like it?” I asked. I already knew the answer, but wanting him to say it out loud.
“I more than like it, angel, I love it.” He reached up and stroked my hair. “You’re really beautiful, you know that? I don’t want to lose you from my life, Rose. Please just accept that this is all I can give you at the moment.”
I kissed him softly. I knew that I couldn’t live like that but I would give him tonight. “Alright, but show me why you’re worth putting my life on hold for.”
Nathan smiled. “That I can do.”
Nathan wrapped his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him. I could feel his cock straining against his pants and I rubbed myself against him. Despite how mad he made me, I wanted him. I wanted to be close to him. I wanted him in my mouth. I dropped to my knees and slowly undid his zipper. I slid his pants down and Nathan stepped out of them. He took off his shirt and threw it on the floor as I took him in my hands, looking up at to meet his eyes.
I’d never felt a man’s cock in my hands before, never tasted one either. I slowly put him in my mouth and sucked softly. Nathan made a deep growling noise which gave me some confidence. I continued sucking and licking and using my hands. The noises coming from him let me know that he was enjoying everything I was doing.
Nathan reached down and grabbed hold of my shoulder. “Angel, if you keep going like that, this will be all over very quickly.”
I smiled as he pulled me to my feet. “Nobody wants that.”
He grinned and walked me backwards until my legs hit the lounge. Nathan took a step back, taking in every inch of me as he did. He looked at me in my thong and push-up bra, his eyes hungrily raking over me. I had never felt so wanted.
“Do you know how beautiful you are?” he said, his voice low and husky.
“You have told me before.”
Nathan reached around me and removed my bra. I went to take my thong off but he smiled. “No, angel. Leave it on. It’s so fucking hot. I want to see it as I fuck you.”
He lowered me down to the lounge and flipped me over so I was on my hands and knees. Another first. Nathan rubbed my arse cheeks and dropped a kiss on one. His fingers reached underneath until he found my dripping entrance and he slipped a finger in.
“You’re so ready for me. It’s dripping down my hand,” Nathan said. There was so much desire in his voice that I nearly orgasmed from the sexy sound.
He held my thong to one side and slid his cock deep into me, causing a delicious shiver to go through my body. He felt so much bigger in this position and I couldn’t help but moan in pleasure as he slowly pumped in and out of me.
Nathan continued with his slow assault on my body for what felt like forever, and I thought I was going to explode with pleasure.
“Nathan,” I cried out. “I need you, I need it now.”
“Touch yourself, angel,” Nathan groaned out. “Touch yourself as I pump into you.”
I placed one of my hands on my clit and began to move it in circles as Nathan speed up his movements. I wasn’t going to last long. The sound of our bodies slapping together, the groans coming from Nathan, the intense pleasure. I came hard, shouting his name as stars danced in front of my eyes. I felt Nathan moan out in pleasure as his own release came.
He pulled out and moved me so I was laying on my back on the lounge. He lowered himself beside me, leaning up on one elbow so not to crush me.
“I can’t believe that just gets better and better,” he smiled as he reached up to push a piece of hair out of my face.
I laughed. My orgasm was still shooting sparks through my body. “Neither can I.”
I was lying in his arms with my head on his bare chest. I could hear his heart beating against my cheek and his breath was coming out slow and steady as he started to drift off to sleep.
“Nathan, what happened to you? Why are you so against love?” I asked softly. I didn’t want to break the mood between us, but I just couldn’t let it go.
A long sigh escaped Nathan’s lips. “Are we going to go through this again? I don’t think I have the energy.”
“No. This has nothing to do with us. I just want to know why you stopped travelling and spend all your time at work. Why are you so against commitment? Most men your age want to settle down and have children.”
Nathan leaned back up on one elbow to look at me. “Nothing happened, Rose. I just don’t want to be tied down. My job is important to me and it’s really booming at the moment.”
“You’re lying,” I stated simply.
Nathan needed to talk about what happened, what caused him to be like this. I could tell it had been bottled up inside of him for years, eating away at his life. I could see it was becoming way too tiring and stressful. After everything he’d put me though, I still cared about him and wanted to be with him. Surely he could trust me with the truth?
Nathan reached down and trailed a finger over my skin, a gesture that always seemed to relaxed him. “Why do you care so much, Rose?”
“I told you, you’re starting to grow on me.” I smiled and Nathan playfully tickled me. “I don’t like seeing people I care about unhappy,” I continued my voice becoming serious. “I don’t think you’re happy with who you’ve become. There’s something you’re bottling up that is causing you to shut down and push away other people. Tell me about it, surely it can’t hurt?”
Nathan let out a long, sad sigh. He rolled over on to his back and looked at the ceiling so I couldn’t see just how painful this was to him.
“Four years ago, I met a woman in a café in Paris. We were inseparable the whole time we were there. She was Australian and on holidays, while I was in Paris on business. I guess we got caught up in the city of love because when we returned back to Australia two weeks later, I proposed to her. It was completely out of character for me, but I was smitten, I was completely in love. And you were right, the whole idea of kids and family was starting to appeal to me. We spent the next year planning the wedding.” Nathan paused, and I could see that he was trying to not let the memory upset him.
“My family tried to talk me out of marrying her straight away, but I have always been stubborn.” He shrugged. “I didn’t care what they said, I was in love. All I wanted was to marry her and raise a family, and Kylie said she wanted the same.” He drew a long breath before continuing.
“Kylie had always been a bit of a flirt, but I thought it was just her nature. She was just an affectionate person. So, when she met my best friend and my best man, Harrison, and started to flirt with him, I didn’t really take much notice. I thought it was just some harmless fun. Two weeks before the wedding I came home early from work. I thought I would surprise her and take her out to dinner...” Nathan went quiet for a moment and I could tell where this was going and my heart began to ache for him. I put a hand reassuringly on his stomach to encourage him to keep going.
“I found Kylie and Harrison together, in my bed,” Nathan said dryly, his disgust obvious.
“What did you do?” I asked quietly.
“I dragged him out of my bed and threw him outside completely naked,” Nathan laughed quietly at the thought. “Then I packed up all of Kylie’s stuff and kicked her out as well. Turns out Harrison wasn’t the first guy she’d been with since we were together. What makes me even angrier was the fact I gave her so much money. I paid off her mother’s house, gave her money to pay off her father’s gambling debts and I brought her everything she wanted. I could have dealt with all that, but then she had the nerve to turn around and try and sue me for more money. She claimed that we were in a de-facto relationship and she was entitled to half my assets.”
“Did she win?” I asked, leaning up on one elbow to look at him.
“We settled out of court. I gave her a small amount just so I could be done with her. I just wanted Kylie out of my life as quickly as possible.”
“You shouldn’t have given her anything. She sounds like a terrible person.”
Nathan shrugged. “I’ve learnt to be a better judge of character and not to be so trusting.”
“Is that why you dealt with Liam the way you did?” I asked, feeling even worse about what Liam had done. “He was someone you trusted. He told me once that the two of you got along and often stopped and had conversations.”
“I suppose so.” He stopped talking and gently touched my face. “You know when I made this offer for you to come and stay with me, I never really thought you’d actually do it. I thought I’d just be able to get a reaction out of your brother and he’d turn himself into the police. But then you popped up and said that you would do it, I didn’t know what to do, I had to follow through with it. I thought that if you wanted too, then I was going to let you.” Nathan looked at me and his face was serious.
“But trust me, Rose, I was never going to force you to sleep with me. I just pushed you, to scare you a little, to make you want to go home and let Liam deal with his own problems. And for being so sharp-tongued with me. I forced you to stay home all day hoping you’d leave, but also hoping that you wouldn’t.” He smiled. “You were just so damn irresistible. I didn’t care who got hurt as long as it wasn’t me. That’s why I haven’t had a serious relationship since it happened and I’m not ready to now.”
“Not all women are like that, Nathan,” I remarked gently.
Nathan smiled. “I know and part of me knows that you’re not the sort of person who would do something like that, but it’s just hard for me to let go of the past. It’s a heck of a lot easier for me not to let go of the past.”
“Surely you can’t live the rest of your life like this? It’s been four years. That’s a lot of your life to just waste and throw away.”
Nathan nodded. “I know and you’re right.” He leaned down and kissed me on my lips. “I want to say sorry for the way I’ve treated you. I want you to know that as soon as we get back home you are free to go. I do think your brother should finish his stay at the treatment centre before he comes back to work.” Nathan pulled me into his arms. “But you are welcome to stay with me if you want. I really do like having you around.”
“But not in a relationship way?”
“I’m still not ready for commitment, Rose. I just can’t. But I promise that I won’t ever disrespect you.”
“What does that mean? Does it mean that you won’t see other women? Or just that you won’t flaunt it in my face when you do?”
“I don’t know what I can offer you and I don’t know if I can just be with you.”
I untangled myself from Nathan and got off the lounge. “I’ll have to think about this, it’s not something I can decide on right now. I need to get my thoughts together first.”
I went and had a shower, then got into bed. I was way too tired to think about anything right now. It had been a very mentally exhausting evening. I fell asleep within seconds of my head hitting the pillow.