55. Theo Fairview
Iwas feeling like absolute shit, which wasn’t surprising, considering the way I’d been treating my body lately.
But it was more than that.
Mentally, I was a disaster.
Cassandra had completely surprised me the night before.
I’d thought for sure she wouldn’t want to continue to deal with me once she’d seen just how messed up I was… But she didn’t throw me away like I’d expected her to.
If anything, she’d done the opposite.
She’d almost violently refused to allow me to leave.
As relieved as I was about it… I didn’t really trust it.
It was only a matter of time.
Maybe she thought she could fix me or some shit, but I knew better.
Whatever Samwell had broken inside me wasn’t fixable.
I had ups and downs.
Clearly, I was very much in the throes of a down right now, but I knew how this went.
I would spiral until I hit rock bottom, then I would swear it all off and throw myself into doing my best to be better.
That would last for a few weeks or months until I’d lulled myself into a false sense of security… then it would all happen again.
Cass might be willing to stick it out this time.
Maybe even the time after that…
But once she realized being with me was a never-ending ride on Satan’s merry-go-round, she would be desperate to get off.
For fuck’s sake, I was desperate to get off, and it was my satanic merry-go-round.
It would just be so much easier if I ended things now.
Less of a waste of everyone’s time.
I was pulled from my depressing ass thoughts when the elevator dinged. Cass stepped into the condo, looking as exhausted as I felt.
Checking the time on my phone, I frowned.
“You’re home early,” I commented, and she glanced at me, shrugging.
“Nolan told me to go home. I was pretty useless today. Besides, I wanted to check on you.”
Biting back the rush of irritation I felt over the fact that she’d been spending time with Nolan, I nodded, wincing slightly as the motion made my head swim.
“Won’t missing work mess with your plan to make partner? You shouldn’t risk that just to check up on me.”
Cass stared at me for a long moment before putting her bag down and stalking over to the couch to sit with me.
“This case is… It’s been really hard for me. Our client is a fucking monster. I… I’m really struggling with it.”
Surprise exploded through my chest, but I did my best to keep my expression neutral.
“Oh yeah?” I asked, pretending I didn’t already know exactly how much of a monster her client was.
“Yeah. He has all these horrible allegations coming out against him… and he’s hiding something from us. It’s like… he didn’t exist ten years ago or something. Nolan and I can’t find anything from before he started his creepy, cult-like megachurch.”
“Can’t you guys just… drop him? As a client I mean?” I asked, trying not to sound too hopeful.
Cass glanced at me, her lips pursing.
“If I were already a partner, I’d be in a better position to do that.
But as of right now, it’s not really my choice.
It’s one of the downsides of being a defense attorney.
Sometimes you have to defend people you know are guilty, whether you want to or not.
Especially if they have money and connections.
” Her lip curled at this, telling me she hated that she was being forced to defend someone she clearly hated, but… it still hurt.
Doing my best to stamp down the unreasonable feelings of rage and betrayal that were welling up inside me, I nodded.
Outwardly, I knew I probably just looked tired and run down, but internally, I was struggling not to fucking scream at her.
Don’t you have any fucking morals!? He hurts little kids! He’s hurting kids, and you’re still going to defend him!?
But, just like she didn’t have any right to tell me not to fight anymore, I didn’t have any right to tell her to quit her job.
Not after she’d spent her entire life clawing her way into this position.
Besides, I knew these feelings were more personal than anything.
She’d basically just confirmed that if she didn’t go through with this case, it would jeopardize her career… Which meant it didn’t really matter if I told her that her client had molested me, too.
She would probably still defend him… And I wouldn’t survive it if that particular truth were ever confirmed.
If she chose my rapist over me, there would be no coming back from that… And I just wasn’t strong enough to find out if she would or not.
It’s not like my fears were completely unfounded.
I’d known Cass for less than a year. She’d made it clear we weren’t fucking other people while we had this…
arrangement, but… I wasn’t even sure if that meant we were officially dating.
She’d made it clear that the marriage was fake and would need to stay fake for some fucked up reasons I didn’t quite understand…
Why would she give up her entire career for someone she was just using to get a promotion?
She wouldn’t.
No sane person would.
My heart squeezed in my chest as these painful truths swirled through my hungover, concussed mind, and once again, I found myself fighting off tears.
“Anyway, I don’t want to talk about that ass wipe anymore. I want to talk about you.”
Fuck.
I swallowed, and suddenly, the blanket I’d curled up in was the most interesting thing I’d seen in the world.
I fiddled with the corner, ignoring the burn of Cassandra’s gaze on my face.
“Theo. Why am I missing three bottles of wine from my fridge?”
Shame shot through me with the intensity of a power washer. My entire body went cold, even as my face heated so much I was sure my cheeks had visibly flushed.
That was… not what I’d expected her to ask.
“I… Cass, I don’t want to talk about this.”
“Did you drink all that before fighting yesterday?”
“Cass…” I whined, burying my face in my hands and wishing I could disappear.
“You should have said something. You have a concussion, Theo. The fact that you had that much alcohol in your system and no one knew… I should have taken you to the hospital. You could have died.” She wasn’t yelling at me, and I almost wished she was.
It would have hurt less than the sheer disappointment dripping from her tone.
“It’s not a big deal. I’m fine… I’ll replace the wine,” I muttered into my palms, but Cassandra refused to let me hide. She peeled my hands away from my face and curled a finger under my chin, tilting my face up to meet her gaze.
“Stop lying to me, Theodora. You are not fine. This is not the kind of behavior you’d expect from someone who’s ‘fine.’”
My eyes burned, and my lip trembled as she calmly watched me fall apart. She held me like that for a long moment, and after I realized she really wasn’t going to let it go, I finally caved.
“I’m afraid if I tell you the truth, you’ll look at me differently… Or think I’m even more fucked up than you already do.” My voice cracked as I spoke, and it felt like my throat was full of glass.
Her eyebrows raised in surprise, and I winced. But after a beat, she did the last thing I expected.
She let out a breathy laugh and shook her head in disbelief.
“If you think I have a right to throw stones at anyone for being fucked up, you must not have noticed that I live in the glassiest of glass houses.”
I frowned, scoffing.
“No, you don’t, Cassandra. You live in a fucking penthouse. You’re a successful, powerful lawyer with her whole life put together. I bet you have a 401K and a ten-year plan.”
She shot me an amused look and shrugged.
“Yeah. I have all those things. I also have a sentient voice in my head that tells me to kill people.”
I blinked.
It felt like her condo shrank three sizes and the air turned thick with a loaded silence.
“Is that why you… sometimes refer to yourself as ‘we?’” I asked carefully. I’d suspected there was something going on there. I’d assumed she had some sort of alter ego that she sometimes morphed into, but I hadn’t realized it was a whole separate entity in her mind.
Cass nodded, shooting me an amused look. “Yeah… I call it my monster.”
I cocked my head to the side, suddenly grinning like an idiot.
“Does it have a real name? We can’t just call it your monster. People are going to think we’re insane.”
Cass frowned at me, looking adorably confused.
“Theo… we are insane. And I mean… Yeah, it probably does have a name. I’ve just never really–”
“I think we should call it Sue,” I said matter-of-factly. “It feels like a Sue.”
Cassandra’s eyes widened slightly, and she stared at me like I was the one hearing voices.
“It… hates that idea.”
She winced slightly at what I imagined was an enraged barrage of protests from the sentient voice in her head. “No. We definitely can’t call it Sue. I’ll never get a moment of peace.”
I snickered, rolling my one good eye and snuggling back deeper into my pillows.
“Jeeze. Sue is so sensitive. No wonder it’s always trying to kill people. I’d be a murderous asshole too if I didn’t know how to regulate my emotions.”
Cassandra’s lip kicked up at the side, and she let out a breathy chuckle before leaning forward to skate a kiss across my forehead.
My toes curled under the blanket, and I sighed happily, feeling more balanced now that the mood had decidedly been lightened.
“Mmm, not sure you’re equipped to lead a master class on regulating emotions either, sweet girl. But I appreciate the sentiment.”
My cheeks flushed at her words, but she kissed my blushing face there too, and I let out a small, happy sound I’d never made before as she gently showered me with tiny pieces of affection.
Finally, after she’d gently kissed every inch of my bruised face, Cass leaned back to look at me.
“I’ve never told anyone that before,” she marveled, her brown eyes shining in awe. “Well… except my therapist. She knows about it.”
“You have a therapist?” I gaped, somehow more surprised about this little tidbit of truth than I was to learn about Sue the Monster. I wasn’t sure why this shocked me, but Cass just nodded, like it was no big deal.
“I think everyone should, really. Honestly, it should be free. Therapy has helped me a lot.”