81. Theo Fairview
Cass had peppered me with a few more questions about Samwell as we got dressed. She’d wanted to know how our paths had even crossed in the first place. When I explained that he wasn’t actually Reverend Elias Sterling, but Father Emanuel Samwell, I knew I’d given her another eureka moment.
“That’s why Vox can’t find anything on the prick from before he started that fucked up church…” she’d mumbled as she tapped away on her phone.
When I asked her what Vox had to do with it, she’d just grinned and waved an inconsequential hand at me, telling me to ‘stop procrastinating.’
She was right.
I was procrastinating.
I owed both my brother and his fiancé an apology. I knew I did… It just… Ugh, I felt like shit about the way I’d acted, and I was ashamed. I wasn’t looking forward to taking responsibility for my actions.
But it was the right thing to do, so I slipped out of the guestroom Cass had sequestered us to, wearing the suit pants and crewneck from the night before.
Hopefully, I still had a pair of sneakers in the guesthouse somewhere. There was no way I was putting Cassandra’s Louboutins back on.
Part of me wanted to burn the fucking things, but… That was a problem for a later date.
I found Ryan in his office, getting paperwork ready for a viewing they had planned for the following day.
He was chatting out loud to what I assumed was the spirit of the dead man that would be the star of tomorrow’s service.
“Your brother insisted on the blue suit; there’s not much I can do about it.” Ryan sighed, absently shuffling through his papers, and I smirked, amused at how frustrated he seemed.
“Listen, my hands are tied. I can’t very well tell them that you spoke to me beyond the grave about your outfit preferences. This is something you should have discussed with them when you were alive.”
I bit my knuckle as Ryan waited for the ghost to respond. It was entertaining to watch. I couldn’t see or hear the person he was talking to at all, so it really just seemed like my brother was talking to himself the whole time.
Whatever the ghost said seemed to upset my brother, and his expression flooded with remorse.
“Okay, okay. Yes, you’re right. That was insensitive of me. Obviously, you didn’t know you were going to die… Someone needs to do a fucking PSA or something about the importance of keeping up with wills.”
He pinched his nose.
“It’s not your fault.”
I knocked lightly on the doorframe, leaning against it and crossing my arms over my chest.
“Am I interrupting?” I asked, and Ryan glanced up at me, his cheeks turning pink.
I’d always suspected he could speak to the dead, but it wasn’t until after we saved Cal from Apex that he admitted it to me. He still got a little awkward and flustered when someone caught him in the act.
“No. We’re done here.” He gave a random spot in the room a stern look before dismissing the spirit with a wave of his hand. “Could you give us some privacy? I need to talk to my sister.”
I waited until Ryan turned his attention to me, indicating that we were now alone.
His amber eyes rolled over my form, and I didn’t miss how his gaze lingered on the bandages wrapped around my bare feet.
He somehow looked concerned and amused at the same time.
“I guess masochism is a Fairview family trait,” he observed dryly, and I huffed out a laugh.
“Maybe that’s why we’ve found ourselves so entangled with the Walkers. Sadism and Masochism go hand in hand,” I mused, and Ryan let out an awkward chuckle.
Much like his sister, Cal was a sadist, and I’d seen Ryan sport many marks and bruises from whatever rough sexcapades I was sure they regularly had, so I wasn’t worried about him judging me. It was just a weird topic to discuss between siblings.
“Mmm. Maybe the sadistic streak skipped a generation with Naomi,” Ryan replied as he leaned back in his chair, grinning.
“I don’t know about that. She’s terrifyingly accurate with a handgun. You’ve seen her at the range.”
He nodded, and I grinned as I remembered the last time we went and she effortlessly emptied an entire clip directly into the target’s crotch.
“I guess you have me there.”
There was a beat of silence before Ryan sighed and pursed his lips.
Neither of us was great at talking about our feelings, but it was something we’d forced ourselves through plenty of times before.
I just hated that this time I was the one who needed the reality check.
“How are you doing?” he finally asked, and I shrugged, running a hand through my hair awkwardly.
“Embarrassed. But… better. I came by to apologize for my behavior last night.”
Ryan frowned, tonguing the side of his cheek.
“Do you want to talk about what happened to make you snap like that?”
“No,” I replied stiffly. “I just wanted to let you know it won’t happen again.”
“Theo…” he sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I know you’ve always been the one to protect me when we were kids, but if something’s going on, you know you can always talk to me, right?”
“I know that.”
“Do you? Theo, you were out of control last night. I’m not mad at you, but you can’t antagonize Cal like that. He’s been doing so well. He hasn’t killed anyone since Apex. I can’t have you manipulating him so you can self-sabotage or whatever the fuck it was you were trying to do.”
Shame rolled through me, and I dug my fingernails into my arms in an attempt to ground myself.
“I know. That wasn’t cool. I’m really sorry.”
“I know you are, but saying sorry isn’t enough, Theo. If you don’t get to the bottom of what made you snap like that in the first place, it could happen again.”
“I’m telling you it won’t.”
Ryan pursed his lips, giving me a serious look that made my cheeks burn with shame.
“Well, I hope you’re right.”
“I promise.”
He didn’t look convinced. “Well, if you’re not going to talk to me about it, maybe you can talk to your wife? You need to talk to someone, Theo.”
It was taking everything in me not to bristle at his tone.
“I’ve already talked to her. It’s something I’m working on… I just… don’t really want to get into the details with you,” I said, more because I wanted this conversation to end than because I actually wanted to share my personal shit with him.
He nodded. “Good. We all love you, Theo. If something’s going on with you, we’re here to help you. You’re not alone.”
My heart pinched in my chest at his words.
If he’d said that to me even a few days ago, I wouldn’t have believed him.
But now… Now it was clear that I really wasn’t alone. I had Cass in my corner, and she was more than I’d ever hoped to have for myself.
Of course, I didn’t say this out loud. I just gave Ryan a curt nod.
“Is Cal around? I want to apologize to him, too,” I said, and Ryan gave me a sad smile. “He’s in the garden with Mom. She thought some gardening would help him calm down.”
“He’s still upset?”
Ryan’s eyes darkened, and he nodded. “Yeah. He’s pretty pissed with you.”
Fuck.
“Alright… I’ll go find him,” I muttered, and Ryan sighed.
“Make it right, Theo. That man means everything to me.”
“I know. I will,” I said before slinking off to find Callum.
Fuck.
Callum had a short trigger, but he was usually quick to bounce back, too. The fact that he was still pissed with me meant I’d really fucked up.
Ugh.
Why was I such a fucking mess?