Chapter Nineteen
Renegade
“Fuck I feel like I’m about to serve a warrant,” I tell Whitney as I listen to the caller giving us our letters and numbers. “My heart is going to beat out of my chest, I’m so close to a damn bingo.”
She laughs at my side. “It’s addicting, isn’t it?”
“Like fucking heroin,” I agree as I hear the next spot we can mark. Damnit, it’s not the one I need.
“This is seriously what got me into it,” she admits. “I won once and then I wanted to win again and again. So I just kept coming back. At one point, I could play like ten cards at once.”
“No way,” I take my eyes off my own cards for a split second. “How?”
“Obsession?” she shrugs. “You just learn to do it, and then you don’t want to stop. I’m not saying this is the best thing for someone with an addictive personality, but it’s fun for a while.”
The caller calls out B-32 and holy shit. “Bingo! Bingo!” I yell to be heard above the loud room. Holding my hand up.
“Yes!” Whitney squeals next to me. “You did it!”
We wait as they come over and inspect my card. Like I’m going to lie about a damn bingo? Apparently it’s a thing, though.
“You’re good,” the worker tells me. “Go ahead and go to the desk to get your money.”
“Wait, I win money? I was excited about winning period.”
Whitney laughs. “Yes! C’mon let’s go get it.”
She drags me to the payout desk and when they tell me I’ve won a thousand bucks, my mouth hangs open. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“I told you I was able to finance some of my business with my bingo winnings,” she reminds me.
I’m putting the cash in my wallet as I glance at her. “How much did you win exactly?”
She runs her tongue over her lips. “Five figures.”
“Damn, babe,” I turn back to the bingo floor. “Do you want to go back and try our hand some more?”
“Nah, I think we did what we came here to do. We had a great time, you won some money, and I got to indulge my addiction.”
We exit the building, and I hold the door open for the couple behind us. They’re older and the man is using a walker, his wife holding onto his elbow as she slowly walks beside him.
“Thank you,” she smiles up at me.
“No problem ma’am. Do y’all need help to your car?”
“No,” he answers, shaking his head. “But thank you for asking young man. Our son’s coming to pick us up and should be here in a few minutes.”
“There he is,” the lady points to a car. “Thank you for holding the door and the offer.”
As we watch them get into the car, Whitney slips her hand in mine. “What would it be like to be with someone that long? To still love someone at that age so much you want to hang onto them?”
“You’ve never thought of it?” I question as we slowly walk back to my truck.
She’s quiet and I wonder if I’ve overstepped my boundaries. We don’t much talk about Stephen and that’s fine with me, but it’s not like I avoid it on purpose. I avoid it because I don’t think she wants to talk about him.
“I did at one time. I mean you don’t go into a marriage thinking it’s not going to last forever, ya know? Especially with my parents and the family I come from. But the longer it went on, the more unhappy I got, I just couldn’t keep pretending.”
“What about now,” I ask before I can stop myself. “Is it something you want now?”
“With the right person,” she answers carefully. “If I had it for the right reasons and it was good timing, I would definitely get married again. I would gladly spend my life with someone else. Would I have said that a few months ago? No, but things change.”
I wonder if she’s talking about me, I wonder if I’m one of the reasons her feelings on the subject have changed. Part of me wants to ask her, but the other part doesn’t want to hear it in case I’m not.
We fall into an easy silence as we make our way back to the truck.
“Can I be forward?” she turns to me after we’ve almost made it back to her house.
“You can always tell me whatever it is you want to tell me. You don’t have to ever censor yourself for me. Just say what you want.”
She struggles, I can tell by the way she opens her mouth, and then shuts it, three times before words come from her throat. “I don’t want this night to end. I’ve had a really good time with you. I feel like we’ve turned a corner here. Will you spend the night with me?”
My heart almost stops as she asks me with uncertainty in her voice.
I know with everything I am, she doesn’t understand what this means to me.
There’s no fucking way she can feel the way my heart thuds in my chest as I look over at her, seeing glimpses of her as the street lights brighten the interior of my truck.
This feels like an invitation to take things with us a little more serious, a step further.
I won’t push her, but I do want to tell her parents and Tank about this baby before it’s born.
I’ve wondered a few times if she’d just like to show up one day holding a bundle of baby and then let people ask her where it came from.
“You don’t have to ask me like that, Whit. I’ll stay whenever you want me to. Hell, if it were up to me, I’d move in.”
“I don’t know if I’m ready for that,” she says hesitantly, biting her nail.
“I know, but I’m just telling you I’m willing to stay. You want me there? I’ll be there, any and every time you need me.”
Whitney
My hands shake as I brush my teeth and hair, getting ready for bed.
I’m not sure what it is about tonight that’s different from all the other times Ryan and I have hung out.
Maybe it’s the way he wasn’t afraid to touch me in public, he wasn’t scared to be with an older woman.
Not once did he make me feel like I was second best. He treated me like I was number one to him and as if I were his main concern tonight.
I haven’t had that kind of attention in a long time, and I have to admit it was nice.
Him opening the door, being polite to the older couple, buying my stuff, touching me every time he could – if it were from anyone else, I’d think they were playing a game.
But I know every time I look into Ryan’s eyes, there’s nothing there but honesty.
I’ve tried to ignore it, tried to explain it away and told myself I’m ten kinds of an idiot for seeking him out.
Truth of the matter is, I can’t help it.
The more we’re together, the longer he stays in this with me, the more I’m going to count on him.
Summer is beating down on us and before we know it, it’ll be Christmas. When our baby is due.
I don’t want to go through this alone, never did, and for the first time I’m feeling like Ryan is right where he wants to be.
I put aside all my own pre-conceived notions tonight and truly paid attention to how he acted around me, how he treated me, and what he was saying.
I stopped thinking ahead and stopped doing my own interpretation of everything.
Instead I let my instincts do the talking, and they said this guy is the real deal.
I’d be stupid not to take this and see where it may go.
For fifteen minutes I debated on if I wanted to dress sexy or wear my normal t-shirt to bed. In the end, I had to go with the t-shirt. I’m tired, and tonight won’t be a night where we’re burning up the sheets – I just don’t have it in me.
Opening the door, I shut off the bathroom light and walk out into the bedroom. Ryan’s already lying down, checking his phone in the light cast by the lamp on my nightstand.
“You look ridiculous in my Tiffany-Blue Damask comforter,” I smile as I walk over to my side and pull back the sheets.
“Never let it be said I haven’t done emasculating things for you, Whit. This is probably at the top of them so far. I feel like I need to hand Tank my nuts next time I see him.”
“No need for that,” I curl up next to him without even thinking about it. “I kinda like them and want you to keep them for a little while longer,” I snuggle into the indention of his arm and throw my leg over his. “I hope you don’t mind, but I’m a cuddler.”
“Please, cuddle me if it makes you feel good,” his breath is warm against my forehead.
I only wish I could tell him how good it really does make me feel. Cherished actually, but I keep that to myself.