CHAPTER 23
Cold, gray hands reached for me, long fingers clasping around my neck. Onyx eyes filled with brutal death held me prisoner. Hot breath skimmed my face. It smelled of rot and decay. Icy terror gripped me, and I could not move. My fingers spasmed, my chest constricting painfully.
How did he cross the salt boundary? How did he find me?
The fae rasped, “Did you think rock salt could keep me from you? Your last breath will be mine!”
Long nails dug into the skin at my neck, drawing blood. I screamed and the fae laughed, his face callous and cruel.
“Lirah.” Pallid, glacial skin was replaced by warm fingers and bright eyes. Kilian’s face hovered inches above mine. He pressed a kiss to my temple, drawing me into his strong arms. I heaved a shuddering breath, the stench and sight of the fae still clogging my senses.
“You’re okay,” he murmured against my hair. “You’re okay.”
I shut my eyes tight, allowing Kilian’s scent to wash over the putrid aroma.
We were tangled in a mess of limbs and sheets.
His body pressed against every inch of mine.
Light peeked through the shutters at the window; I focused on the slivers and Kilian’s rhythmic breathing to ground myself in this reality.
“What did you dream about?” he whispered against the shell of my ear.
“Fae.” The word made the hair on the back of my arms stand on end.
Kilian ran a hand along my arm. “Do you want to talk about it?”
I shook my head. No. I did not want to relive the dream; I wanted to forget the entire experience on Cosanus.
“Okay.” Kilian grazed his lips against my head, his hand rubbing comfortingly along my back. “It’s going to be okay.”
But it wasn’t. Nothing was going to be okay. Sure, the third Trial was over and the fae were still imprisoned on Cosanus, but I had to survive what came next: the Rite. Kilian seemed to sense the shift in my energy. He pulled away, peering down at me.
“What are you thinking about?”
“The Rite.”
And with those two words, his energy changed too. His eyes shut, spine tensing. I felt quiet rage through the link. “I’ve been thinking about that a lot recently. You don’t have to do it. I won’t make you.”
I blinked. “What do you mean?”
He swallowed hard, his eyes intent. “I don’t want to lose you.”
I sat up to survey him. “We’ve been training. There’s a chance.”
“It’s not high enough. And after what happened on Cosanus, there’s only trace magic left in you. It’s not a chance I want to take.”
“It can’t have all been for nothing. I can’t have endured three Trials only to stop at the final hurdle. What about the Mortal Trials being bigger than the both of us? What about your curse and the humanity-destroying plot you need to prevent?”
“There’s no guarantee you will be able to break the curse, even if you pass the Rite. Augustine wasn’t able to. It’s a gamble, and you’re too valuable to bet.”
“You can’t just decide this now. It’s too late.”
“It’s not. You have your whole life still ahead of you. I’m not taking that away.”
He couldn’t be serious. “So what? I’m just supposed to sit here and let my friends compete?
Watch them die? Grow old in Lortan and eventually die myself?
Because that is what will happen either way.
We’ll just be prolonging it. If I stay here, as a mortal, I can never set foot outside Lortan. I will never see my mother again.”
“Your mother is well taken care of. I saw to it before we left Serila.”
I stiffened. “What? How? Echon cursed her. She’s voiceless.”
He shook his head. “I undid the curse and nearly stuck a dagger in Echon before we left. It was after Septimus knocked you out. She’s been living on Ascan for the past month, in a house I registered in her name.
Like I did for all the families of candidates.
I assure you, your mother has access to whatever she may need. ”
I heard his words, but my sluggish brain was struggling to process them. “You’re telling me… she’s fine? You gave her a house and her voice back?”
His brows knitted together. “Of course. The candidates competing in the Trials sacrifice their lives. The least I can do is try to compensate their families. Not that it will ever equate to the loss.”
Tears were in my eyes, and his face grew blurry.
“Fuck, Lirah.” He reached for me. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I’m so sorry to have forced all this upon you. You don’t know how much I regret taking your choice from you. I’m trying to give it back to you now.”
I dragged my fingers across my wet cheeks, shaking my head. “There’s still no choice. I have to do this. I’ve come too far not to.”
He grasped my hand, pressing it to his lips. “Don’t.”
I began shaking my head and he said, “You don’t understand.
I can’t lose you. I… I cannot think when I am near you, and yet nothing makes sense when we are apart.
I look for you in shadows and crowded rooms. I hear you, I feel you, even when you are not there.
I have lived for a long time, Lirah, and hardly anything scares me anymore.
But you… When you didn’t come back after the Trial, I realized just how terrified I am of losing you.
I understand you’re mortal, and eventually the day will come when you leave me, but I am selfish.
I want as many days with you as I can get before that happens. ”
“Kilian… You told me the greater good of humanity is at stake here, and while I don’t fully understand that, I think I know you well enough by now to know you wouldn’t have done all this for no reason.”
“I’ll let humanity burn sooner than lose you.”
I blinked. “You don’t mean that.”
He let out a harsh, ragged scoff. “You still don’t get it.
You need me to spell it out for you? Fine, I will.
I am madly, stupidly, desperately in love with you.
I’m so fucking in love with you it hurts.
It’s enough for me to tell the world to fuck right off.
It’s taken too much from me already. It won’t take you as well.
I will not let it. Do not ask me to do that. Please. Please, don’t ask that of me.”
The raw confession ached. It tore at my heart until it was a piece of stringy flesh and blood.
I angled to face him fully, lifting up onto my knees and placing my hands on either side of his face. He gave me a pained look, and I dragged my thumb over his brow, smoothing out the creases. “I love you too. But you already knew that, didn’t you?”
His eyes shuttered briefly, and he nodded.
“But do you know how much?” I pressed a kiss to his lips, the barest touch.
“Catastrophically,” I whispered. “Apocalyptically. That means that no matter what happens, even at the very end of the world, in every lifetime that may come after, I will find you. I know what I’m doing.
You didn’t give me the choice to compete in the Mortal Trials, but you’ve given me the choice of becoming elven now.
And I choose to take the risk. If I don’t try, I’ll regret it forever. ”
His hands came to my waist, and he tugged me onto his lap. He pressed his lips to mine, and I let my eyelids close. It was so soft, so deliberate, it almost felt like a goodbye kiss.
His fingers drifted down my spine, catching at the hem of my shirt and he began tugging it up. I lifted my arms, letting him pull it off.
He tossed it off the bed and then his hands returned, callused palms scraping along the sides of my body. I ran my hands across the planes of his shoulders, dropped my head to kiss his collarbone. My touch mirrored his own – gentle, loving, reverent.
He was hard beneath me, and I shivered at the building ache, the desire that consumed me so wholly it was scarier than any Trial I’d faced.
I leaned back to tug at the band of his underwear, my finger running along his navel, and he inhaled sharply, lifting his hips enough for me to pull it down. When it was off, he settled me against him again and I bit my lip at the sensation.
He ran a thumb across my lower lip, freeing it from my teeth, and then his mouth was on mine again. Not soft this time, but a brutal claiming. A devouring of souls. There was no beginning and no end to this kiss. I rolled my hips, sliding along him, swallowing his groan.
He tore his lips away to look at me. “In case you’re wondering, I take the preventative tablet, but we don’t have to– if you’re not ready–”
I brushed a curl off his forehead. “I’m ready. Unless you don’t want to?”
He scoffed. “If there’s any part of you questioning that, then I haven’t done my job right.”
“It’s not supposed to be a ‘job,’” I said.
“Will you ever stop arguing?”
“Some might call it banter.”
He laughed softly at his words, thrown back at him. “You know, it stuns me how much I love you.” His lips ghosted across mine. “Shall I show you how much I want to do this?”
I melted at the darkness, the hoarse ache in his voice. I lifted my hips. “Show me.”
He positioned himself at my entrance and I bit down on his shoulder as he lowered me onto him, the fit agonizingly perfect. He paused, allowing me to adjust and to catch my breath, before lowering me all the way to his base.
I let my lips trail across his shoulder, to his neck, and he dropped his head, hands roaming my back, sinking into my hair.
“Lirah…” My name sounded like a prayer on his lips.
He didn’t move for a second, his muscles tense like he wasn’t quite sure what to do, but then I rolled my hips against his and he seemed to remember.
Quick as a flash, he flipped me over, the movement stealing my breath once more.
He settled between my thighs, and I hooked my legs around him.
I hadn’t realized how much I needed the pressure of his chest against mine until it was there, or how much I’d wanted him to take charge until he did.
His tongue was at my neck, arms bracketing me as he moved in a rhythm that had me seeing stars.