24. Chapter 24
“Poppy?”
Dad’s baritone filled my ears, waking me up and inviting a throbbing into my head. I groaned and pulled my blanket overhead. By someone’s grace, I made it into my bed as the sun was coming up. I had no clue how, but I was thankful.
“Poppy!” Dad snatched back my blankets.
Too much light! Too much sound! Too much everything! I curled my body into a ball and buried my face into a pillow.
“I wouldn’t be here if you didn’t ask me to be. Get up!”
“I never asked you to come here!” I yelled into my pillow.
“Yes, you did! Look!” He shoved his phone against my shoulder.
Squinting, I attempted to read the screen. Embarrassment burned my soul as I snatched the phone and scrolled through the mess of messages I sent.
Poppy: I LOVE YOU DADDY
Poppy: Youll always bee my dad right??@
Poppy: I cant live life without adad
Poppy: MyyDadA is BESt
I tried making sense of an up the nostrils selfie I sent him before shaking my head in defeat and handing dad back his phone.
“Do you remember calling me last night?” he asked.
I rubbed my hands over my face. “No.”
“You loudly exclaimed that you were in the bathroom at some bar. Then you asked me to pick you up bright and early so I could make you pancakes.”
Pancakes? Dad makes the worst pancakes.
“I don’t remember this at all,” I deadpanned.
“I’m telling the truth,” he chuckled.
“I believe you.”
“I’ll get you some Excedrin and something non-alcoholic to drink.” Laughing, dad headed to the kitchen.
For good measure, I groaned loudly into my pillow one more time before dragging my ass out of bed.
I used the bathroom and forced myself to look at my reflection in the mirror.
I looked like the Queen of Hot Mess Express.
Smudged mascara painted my puffy eyes like war paint.
My afro was flattened on one side. I sighed and splashed water onto my face. Unsurprisingly, it didn’t help.
Face still damp, I stumbled out of the bathroom and flopped down at the kitchen counter. Dad slid a glass of orange juice and two pills in front of me.
“Thanks,” I grumbled.
I slowly drank down my pills and savored the sweetness of the cool juice in my mouth. Dad shook his head as I sat the now-empty glass on the counter.
“Are you supposed to be drinking on those pills you take?”
I rolled my eyes. He was right, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. Besides, I only drank occasionally. He didn’t need to browbeat me about it. No matter how sloppy it was.
Dad refilled my glass and asked, “Well, are you getting dressed? I don’t want a ticket.”
“Did you park on the curb out front again?” I rubbed my temples.
“It’s not my fault that the parking sucks in your neighborhood.”
It was my turn to shake my head at him. Dad walked over and wrapped his arms around my shoulders in a half hug. The tension in my neck evaporated in his arms.
Father’s love. In this moment, unconditional.
Removing the veils of darkness from around our eyes made interacting with each other easier.
We loved each other, but that love was such a messy one.
Watching Daisy and Summoner together made me yearn for an uncomplicated relationship with dad.
A pointless, wordless plea I thought I had given up at eight.
Fate had conspired against us before I’d taken my first breath.
Having your only parent love you and hate you in equal measure was a life of dizzying suffering.
Right now, Dad loved me. Things were balanced.
Things were okay. I sighed quietly as we pulled apart.
I never stopped wishing I was better with my words, able to pull down an elegant phrase or statement and deliver it with bold confidence, feelings expressed without hurt or confusion hidden in half thoughts.
But nope, I wasn’t verbose except in my head.
I hopped off the chair and headed back to my room to get dressed.
“Baby girl?”
“Yeah?”
“Was this poster signed when you bought it?”
Poster?
“What are you—”
My stomach dropped to my knees. Without pants, I shuffled into the living room to find Dad staring at my Japanese poster of Summoner. In the top right-hand corner in black sharpie, he’d scrawled, Hey good looking! -Summoner
I had no fucking idea how I didn’t notice that before. My heart pounded with exploding amounts of pressure against my ribcage. Each thud assaulted me with strangling emotions. My eyes darted across the room to the other Summoner poster. He had signed that one, too.
Fuck! Fuck! Fucking fuck!
How dumb could I be?!
How did I never notice?!
“Poppy?” Dad turned to me with his eyebrows raised. “These can’t be real, can they?”
“Uh…real? What’s really real? Isn’t life a simulation?”
“What?”
“I mean, is anything really real when you think about it?” I laughed dryly.
“Are you okay, Poppy?” Dad grabbed my arm and led me to the couch.
A single bead of sweat trailed down my forehead.
I needed to talk to him about Summoner. That much I knew.
But I had no way of bringing up the subject casually in conversation.
The universe was clearly extended a helping hand.
I didn’t want to take it. I was too busy trying not to projectile vomit on dad’s jeans.
“…Dad, I need to talk to you about something.” My words rushed out as if they were scared that slowing down meant stopping.
“Okay. You know you can talk to me about anything.”
My jaw clenched. It was a typical parent line. It would have been wrong for him not to say it. But it wasn’t true, so it just sat in the air, shapeless and awkward. I swallowed.
“Those autographs are real.”
“That’s amazing! Wait, how do you know?” he asked.
I twisted the hem of my shirt around my fingers.
“…Because I’m dating him.”
Dad’s eyebrows drew together, forming a set of deep lines between them.
“What?”
“Summoner. I’m dating him.” My chest tightened with each word. “Dad, I found Summoner. I know it sounds crazy, but he’s alive and living in New York. We’ve been spending time together and one thing led to another and…yeah, he’s my boyfriend.”
Dad placed a hand on my upper arm. “Poppy. I don’t understand. Is this like your fanfiction thing?”
I wanted the pits of hell to open up under my couch and suck me away. Why did he have to bring up my high school writing? I shook my head. I stared at his salt and pepper beard, begging him to understand me.
“It’s those damn meds messing with your head, isn’t it?!” Dad’s venom was misplaced. But it still hurt all the same. Sometimes, I wondered what he had to do to maintain his level of distrust around the very things that kept me alive.
You don’t need those things. You’re strong enough on your own. It’s a waste of money! Damn sugar pills.
I’d heard it all before. Either I was crazy, or I was normal. Whatever fit the narrative. There was no in-between.
“I know what you’re thinking, and I’m not crazy, Dad. Summoner is alive. He lives in a penthouse across town, and he’s my boyfriend.”
My body ran an emotional marathon. Just the mechanical action of breathing felt sharp, like the pricks from a thousand shards of glass.
“…Poppy. You don’t sound alright. You’re worrying me.” The softness in his tone played with my emotions.
He thinks you’re insane.
Wouldn’t be the first or the last time. But my sanity was only as good as the outcome. Dad might have me committed. As depressed as I could be, I didn’t want to go on another grippy socks vacation.
“I’m not lying. I wouldn’t lie to you about this. Summoner means too much to you and me.”
“Poppy.” Dad placed both his hands on my shoulders. The weight kept me in my place. “Poppy, I need you to stop and think about what you’re saying. You’re not making sense.”
My lips twisted as my eyes met his. The fucking pity. The pity in his eyes burned into the depths of my soul. I wanted to scream. To unleash all the frustration inside. Scream until my voice was gone and my throat raw. I wanted to be heard.
“Dad…” I pushed away and climbed off the couch.
What could I do or say to make him believe me? I paced the length of the kitchen counter under his skeptical eye. After a moment, my pacing paid off, and a lightbulb flashed in my head. I ran into my bedroom and grabbed my phone off the charger.
“Poppy?” He called out.
“AH! HA!” I exclaimed triumphantly and shoved my phone into his face.
I watched with barely contained glee as his face ran through the gambit of emotions.
He tilted my phone, looking at it from another angle.
Dad was always more into the conspiracy theories side of the Summoner mystery, but he knew the man’s face as well as I did.
He blinked several times as a wave of recognition washed over him.
“Holy shit…”
“Do you believe me now?” I asked.
“Holy shit…” Dazed and wide-eyed, Dad stumbled across the room and flopped down on the bed.
I sat down next to him and slipped my phone out of his hand.
I only had one picture of Summoner. Half his face was covered, but if you knew what to look for, you could tell it was him.
It had been an afternoon where the season hadn’t made up its mind.
Snow blew wildly outside, twinkling in the penthouse windows.
I grabbed my phone and held it up in his direction.
My way of asking for a picture. I expected him to say no.
He sat down his book and grabbed a piece of paper from the counter, and quickly scribbled something.
A moment later, he held up a frowning face with my name above it.
I laughed my ass off and snapped the picture.
I often stared at the image because I was a creeper and a perv. But most importantly, it made me smile. I was in love with him.
Dad muttering “Holy shit” repeatedly beside me pulled me back to reality. It was my turn to grab his shoulder.
“You okay?” I asked.
“That’s Summoner! That’s fucking Summoner, and my baby girl found him! Holy shit! Poppy, this is a massive discovery! This is huge!”
I shook my head. Dad was going to be okay.
“It’s not like that, Dad.”
“What do you mean?! You can’t thrust a discovery like that in my lap and not do anything with it!” His eyes bulged.
I sighed.
“I can’t tell anyone. And that means you can’t tell anyone either.”
“Why not?!”
Because he’ll be nothing more than a fun memory in a few weeks…
“Dad, I love him.”
Speaking those words aloud gave my heart a delightful flutter. Confession, even in its tiniest breath, gave me a feeling of freedom.
“What?” His mouth fell open.
“He’s my boyfriend, Dad. I love him. But he values his privacy, and we have to respect that. I must trust you to keep this secret.”
“Boyfriend…” Another piece of the puzzle slotted into place. “Poppy! The man is older than me! You can’t date him!”
I winced. That was to be expected.
“He’s not that much older than you.” I shrugged.
“Yes, he is!” Dad looked at me as if my statement was completely idiotic. “Is this a perverted sex thing? Is he your sugar daddy?”
I snorted. “I wish. He doesn’t really buy me anything besides food.”
“Is this making up for me not always being there when you were growing up?”
“No.”
Dad ran a hand down his face. “I don’t understand.”
I wrapped my arms around his shoulders. “There’s not a ton to understand dad. I found Summoner. We connected and now we’re dating. He likes me and treats me well.”
“Poppy, how can any of this work? He’s twice your age. What could you possibly have in common?”
“Are vibes an acceptable answer?”
Dad narrowed his eyes at me.
So that’s a no.
I settled my cheek on his arm, “You’re right, we don’t have a ton in common, but Summoner treats me well.
He respects me and pushes me to be and do better.
There’s no judgment with him. I love spending time with him even when we’re not doing anything—watching TV, being silly, or just talking…
I love him. And I know the age thing is a big deal, and I don’t know if things will last. But romance makes fools of us all. ”
Dad chuckled, “Ain’t that the truth?”
“I really love him, Dad. I love him so much and just thinking about it makes my heart hurt. It makes me nervous and scared all at once. Sometimes I want to vomit. It’s crazy and I’m crazy, but I don’t care. I want to spend all the time I can with him.”
That time is quickly coming to an end.
“Oh, baby girl.” Dad pulled me into his arms.
My shoulders sagged against his chest. With the lightness of confession came the weighted burden of real life. I watched my words in bold typeface float on the air. In the depths of my mind, the steady ticking of an imaginary clock echoed.
“Have you told him this?” he asked.
I hiccupped at the sudden interjection of a sob.
“…No, I haven’t. I…I don’t think I can.”
“You told me. I’m sure you can tell him.”
“I’d rather hold my feelings for him in my heart.”
“You’ve always had a way with words. Tell him like you told me. How could he turn that down?”
“Yeah…”
Despite the encouragement from Dad, I knew better. That way only encouraged hurt. Hurt I couldn’t handle.
“Do I get to meet him?” he asked.
“I don’t know. Maybe? He’s mentioned wanting to meet you.”
“Really? Honestly, I have no idea how that would go. I’d freak out in total excitement, then I’d probably punch him in the face.” The way Dad’s face softened at the possibility of punching a hero of his in the face was concerning.
“You can’t punch him, Dad.”
He rolled his eyes. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close for a hug.
“Love you, baby girl.”
“I love you too, Dad.”