25. Chapter 25
Ilooked from my phone to see Shay sitting on the front stairs to my building.
It was one of those odd spring days where the mornings were still freezing but the afternoons were hot as hell.
My leggings were slightly sweaty from the walk home from work.
Her slumped shoulders perked up at the sight of me.
“I was starting to worry you weren’t coming home.” She stood up and shook out her boho skirt.
“Sorry. All that work I never do caught up to me.” I shrugged.
“…Can we talk?”
A mess of worry lines etched across her forehead.
The tiny flashes of an unconfident Shay rattled me.
Not because they were unnatural. She was human, after all.
But because she was usually so unflappable.
I was clueless about what she wanted to talk about.
But I was happy to see her. We had a unique connection, a shared lifeline in our existence as black women.
In my studio upstairs, I plopped onto the futon. Shay paced the length of the room.
“Damn, these are impressive.” Her eyes widened in the shadow of my drooping flower arrangement.
“They were once. Before they died.”
“I could never picture you with a green thumb,” she laughed.
“You’re not wrong.”
She reached up and held a petal between her fingers. “Did you get them from the director?”
Director?
“What…? Oh! Yeah. I mean kinda. I guess?” I stammered.
“You guess?” she raised an eyebrow.
“…Would you hate me if I told you I lied?”
“No.” She shook her head. “You’re not the best liar, Poppy. You’re actually shit at it.”
My cheeks heated. “Am I that bad at it?”
“Kinda,” she laughed. “But I figure you’ll tell me the truth in your own time.”
“Thanks for understanding.”
She rolled her eyes. “Of course. Can you tell me one thing? Is Daisy this mystery guy’s daughter?”
“Yeah, she is.”
“Why did she buy you the swimsuit?”
“Her Dad’s taking me to Spain.”
Her eyes widened. “SPAIN?! Shit, that’s fancy!”
For all my gushing over the years, Shay never paid much attention to my Summoner obsession. But conceding a bit of truth in the face of my shit lie made everything simpler to connect.
“You gonna let me do your hair?” she asked.
“Of course!”
“Good. Now can we talk about our AMAZING weekend?!” She grinned.
“OH MY GOD! IT WAS SO AMAZING!”
Shay jumped beside me on the couch and grabbed my hands. We grinned like idiots over our fun-filled, drunken weekend.
“That bitch is crazy! I love her so much!” she cooed.
“I like her too. I was so afraid she wouldn’t like me.”
“Cause you’re fucking her dad? Sex is primal. A must.”
I shrugged. “Maybe. But love is very much human.”
Her eyes widened. “You love her dad?”
I nodded. “But…” My crying sounded foreign in my ears. My hands flew up to cover my mouth.
“Oh, Poppy.” She wrapped an arm around my shoulders.
The interjection of real life. Tears slid down my face.
“It’s okay to be in love, Poppy. Generally, it’s a good thing.”
A wave of uncontrollable sobs shook my body.
“…I…I’ve been offered a, a, a buyout…” I choked out.
“Buyout?” Her brow knitted.
“His ex-wife offered me a hundred thousand to leave him quietly.”
Shay pulled me upright and held me at arm’s length. “You’re not taking it, are you?”
Tears blurred the image of my friend in front of me. “It-It would fix everything.”
Her fingertips dug into my arms. I winced. “No, Poppy. No.”
“You don’t understand, Shay! With that money I wouldn’t need any more help from Dad. I could quit Popbyte and figure out something worthwhile to do! I could live my life!”
“You’re quitting Popbyte now, too!?” She scoffed. “Dude! If things were that straightforward and easy, you wouldn’t be crying your fucking eyes out!”
“It is that easy! Love be damned!” I shrugged out of her grasp and wiped my wet face.
You lying bitch…
“You can’t believe that.”
“I have to, because I know it would never work out anyway, and at least this way I get—”
She cut me off. “You don’t know anything of the sort! Love is something bigger than any of us. You certainly can’t control who you love. Have I taught you nothing over the years?”
I let a huff out of my nose. “I don’t even know if he loves me. How could he?”
“Because you’re you.” She smiled softly.
That’s not a positive.
“…It’s better this way, Shay. And at least I’ll get a better life out of it. That’s the end of it. I’m not talking about this anymore.”
She shook her head. I could see an argument forming in her mind. Sniffling again, I wiped my damp hands on the futon cushion. There was a brief moment of tension before I finally gathered the nerve to speak.
“…Surely you didn’t come by to talk about my stupid choices and my stupid love life. What’s up?”
Her shoulders drooped. “I wanted to say sorry to you, Poppy—to Jordan, to everyone. I guess I needed a break from everything and everyone. It’s not really an excuse, but I just felt so overwhelmed that the only thing that could fix it was a reset.”
I snuggled against her side. I couldn’t blame her. How often did my depression make me want to run away and start a new life? Shay had the means to make such a thought a reality. I didn’t.
“I honestly don’t remember if I told you or not, but the group of doulas I’m living with are helping me get certified. I want to help black women with their maternal health. I hate that it took a breakup to force me to figure out what I want to do with my life.”
Despite feeling happy for Shay, a deep, unsettling knot formed in the pit of my stomach.
The tightness within me became suffocating, nearly unbearable.
This, I never talked about. To her, to Jordan, to Summoner, to anyone.
Pregnancy conjured up images of death and despair.
This contradictory mixture played on my darkest fears and insecurities.
It was a constant reminder, I was a murderer, after all.
“…I’m happy for you.” I barely managed to mutter a response.
My distorted mind equated the love and strength needed to bring a new life into the world with a lonely little girl who desperately wanted a mommy to love and a daddy who looked at her instead of past her. I swallowed past my pain and ran a hand over my face.
“Thanks.”
“…Did you have to take the couch, though?” I asked.
“The petty jumped out.” She deadpanned.
Clearly!
“So…Have you talked to Jordan lately?”
Her nose wrinkled. That was painfully unsubtle. We worked together, of course we talked. Since she was the one who left, I was sure she was over him. The way her lips poked out in a perfect mixture of pouting and thought-provoking proved me wrong, though.
“A bit. He’s been understandably prickly, but mostly okay.”
“I…Uh, I was wondering if I should go talk to him,” she stammered.
I smiled. It couldn’t be helped. Requited love had pulled itself up on spaghetti legs. It wobbled, but it damn sure wasn’t going down without a fight.
“Is that a good idea?” My eyebrows raised in jest.
“Probably not.”
Our laughter bounced through the air, a welcome departure from the consuming sadness of moments prior.
My lips quirked upward. “Shay, you’re amazing and I support you in all the things you do. I love Jordan, but sometimes I think you can do better. He’s a bit of a stiff.”
“True, but he does things to me.”
That I understand.
I wrapped an arm around her and squeezed. “Can I also say I’m sorry?”
“Sorry for what?”
“I was really mad at you…But you needed to do what’s best for you. It just felt like you didn’t care about me anymore. You were gone, off doing your own thing, and I missed you. I thought you didn’t need me.”
She playfully pinched my cheek. I hid the twinge of pain behind a smile.
“…Dude, you have nothing to apologize for. You always think we don’t need you or want you around, which is crazy to me. Why would I put up with your moody ass if I didn’t love you? That doesn’t make sense.”
I shrugged.
“That’s not fair to you, Poppy!”
“Meh.” I shrugged.
“Poppy.” She exhaled, silencing the list of arguments I knew she wanted to make. “Love you.”
“Love you too.”
***
Shay: Just try to slow down.
I rolled my eyes. It had been two days since we talked.
Shay wasn’t going to leave things alone.
I already regretted dripping any information to her.
Contrary to her well-meaning advice, the Poppy train was already running full steam ahead.
Case in point, I was already loitering outside of Ally Devin’s office, waiting to talk to her.
After several other, more important writers had their time with her, she graced me with a few minutes of her time between meetings.
The blonde flashed a megawatt smile as I sat down.
I thanked her for the opportunities over the years before quitting.
Ally had recently overdone it with Botox, so her expression was totally cold and unexpressive.
Unmoving face notwithstanding, she gave me the white woman spiel of disappointment at me leaving and even more disappointment about me leaving without notice.
But we both knew the truth. The machine kept turning without me.
I was a faceless, easily replaceable cog.
Leaving her office, I stole a glance at the door to Jordan’s office and sighed.
Not yet.
The next day, I woke up to a delightful text from him.
Jordan: What the fuck Poppy?! What are you doing?!
This was expected, but it still stung. I didn’t know how to explain any of this to him. Unable to come up with a response, I made a mental note to reach out once I was back in the country.
Everything was a whirlwind of packing, doing laundry, and getting my hair done. I was going to fucking Spain, and I was a fucking mess. It wasn’t until Moore appeared at my front door that my jittery nerves finally started to relax, like a switch being flipped. This was actually happening.
“Hey there, Poppy. Ready for an adventure?” Smiling, he grabbed my bags.
I didn’t travel much, so I made do with stuffing everything I needed in a duffle bag and backpack.
“Ready as I’ll ever be.”