Chapter 11
Chapter Eleven
Cadence
“I’ve got that report for you right here.”
I held out a manilla folder to Mrs. Young, the compliance inspector. Biting my lip, I held my breath as she thumbed through the papers, ensuring our employees had filled out all the appropriate information and signatures within the last year.
“Thank you. This one looks good. Next, I’ll need to see each employee’s file.”
I nodded and grabbed the box I had brought into the conference room this morning in preparation.
“These are all the employees that have worked here over the last seven years. Both past employees and current ones.”
“Perfect. Thank you. I’ll be looking through these for the rest of the afternoon. I’ll come and find you if I need anything else.”
“Of course. I’m just around the corner.”
I left the conference room and sucked in a mouthful of air.
Our inspector was a friendly middle-aged woman, but that didn’t stop the anxiety crowding my brain while she thumbed through the files I’d worked so hard on.
If a single number or letter was out of place, it would be my ass hung out to dry.
And from the sound of things, the Powell family wouldn’t give me any second chances.
I glanced at my watch. It was just after 1pm and when Elijah usually took lunch.
In the spirit of turning the other cheek, I went to find him and ask if he wanted to grab something to eat with me.
“Hey,” I said as I stood inside the doorframe of his office.
He lifted his head up with a familiar shine in his eye. “Hey. What’s up?”
“Have you gotten lunch yet?”
“No. I probably won’t have time today with the inspector being here.”
“Oh, darn. I haven’t eaten either and hoped you’d want to go together. It’s been so long since we did something like that.”
“What? Get lunch together? Cadence, we live together. We eat together every day.”
“Yeah, but it’s not the same.”
“I don’t understand how there is any difference.”
I crossed my arms over my chest and looked up at the lights on the ceiling. “I just wanted to spend time with you, Elijah.”
“Oh. We do that at home, too, and I have to get this stuff done.”
I pushed my body off the frame. “Fine. See you later.”
He muttered something as I walked away, but I didn’t listen. How didn’t he understand my intentions?
A familiar chill of irritation ran up my spine.
Instead of returning to my desk, I pressed the button for the first floor in the elevator. I needed some fresh air to help calm my newly soured mood.
The company had set up a small haven outside the building where employees could take breaks.
They had a pavilion installed next to a covered picnic table.
The trees surrounding the area were tall and established, granting plenty of shade where the pavilion roof didn’t cover.
There was a cooling breeze from the ocean and the smell of salt in the air.
It was one of my favorite places to go during the day and even after work, when I’d wait for Elijah to finish.
The sun warmed my skin as I moved closer, and I reveled in the sensation. It was October now, but still hot.
Sitting on the wooden bench inside the pavilion, I struggled to take in the beauty around me. I couldn’t get out of my head.
All weekend, I’d tried to pinpoint when my relationship with Elijah had changed. When did he start to act like this? When did I allow him to control me? It didn’t seem to be specific, but a change that had happened over months or even years.
Now, we were turning into two completely different people than when we’d first gotten together in college.
I had finally taken off my rose-colored glasses.
He was changing into someone I didn’t recognize, and I was not a big fan of the new Elijah.
I’d sent Blake a text this morning telling her I wouldn’t be able to come to the funeral, and the entire time, the words I wrote felt like a betrayal to myself. But the only reason I even said those things was because I wanted to make Elijah happy.
But why was I working so hard to keep our relationship strong when he obviously couldn’t care less?
It made me feel claustrophobic. I was suffocating from worrying that I would upset him by doing the tiniest thing that would trigger him into one of his moods.
I never wanted to fight with him, so I’d let it go and was ‘the bigger person’. Only to never stand up for myself when it happened again. Little by little, I handed over pieces of myself just so I fit into his world.
And frankly, I was tired of feeling like this.
It was exhausting.
What was I doing with my life? Was I even happy?
But there wasn’t anyone who could answer those questions beside me.
I had to find out if this was what I truly wanted.
Because the future I saw for myself as a child was a far cry from what it was now.
I placed my elbows on my knees and felt the tingling sensation in my nose as tears threatened to escape from my eyes.
I needed to get back inside, but not feeling like this. I had to piece my cracked mask back together before facing my coworkers.
I had to save face…
The icing on the cake was that I still felt isolated despite being surrounded by people.
This was one of those rare moments when my brain took me down depression avenue and I felt desperately and truly alone.
I couldn’t talk this out with anyone. Yes, my friends and family loved and supported me, but there was no doubt in my mind that they would judge me for putting up with Elijah’s shitty attitude for so long.
Even though I knew deep down he was the man I fell in love with, I just couldn’t see him anymore.
And I didn’t know if I ever would.
I closed my eyes and rubbed my fingers along my forehead with more force than was necessary. But my body vibrated from the turmoil running through my veins, and the pressure helped release some of that tightness.
No. I wouldn’t sit here and feel sorry for myself. I wasn’t that girl.
I stood, pushing my shoulders back, chin held high.
There was a solution for me.
I just had to find it.
I’d thought about it the rest of the afternoon.
I left the office after finishing up with the compliance inspector, who planned to dig through more of my documents tomorrow. I drove straight to the grocery store to pick up ingredients for Elijah’s favorite meal.
I cooked him an excellent dinner to welcome him home after his long day at work. I wanted him to be instantly at ease and unwind, so I bought a bottle of red wine and lit a pumpkin spice candle.
It was fall, after all.
It was a test to see if I could find a glimpse of the old Elijah. To see if he was truly gone for good. When I heard the front door open, I put on my best welcoming smile. “Hi babe, I’m in here,” I yelled as I pulled the lid off the fried chicken.
Elijah walked into the kitchen, and it shocked me at how exhausted he looked. Blueish-gray bags lined his under-eye that hadn’t been there a few days ago.
Was I a bad girlfriend for not realizing how overworked and upset he was?
He kissed me on the side of my head. “Hey. Something smells good.”
“Thank you. Go have a seat, and I’ll get your plate for you.”
“Thanks.”
Using the tongs, I pulled the chicken onto our plates alongside the baked broccoli and garlic potato wedges.
“How did everything go on your end today? It’s weird. After I stopped by your office, I didn’t talk to you for the rest of the day.” I set the food down, then grabbed the bottle of wine and poured some into the two stemless glasses I’d set out.
“Fine. So far, so good. The inspector hasn’t found anything out of the ordinary yet.” He let out a long sigh. “It’s been grueling. My parents are on edge. They want it all to go smoothly.”
“I bet. It’s important.” I sat, picked up my fork, and waited for Elijah to do the same.
He looked down at the plate and back up at me. “Thanks for cooking tonight.” But he didn’t pick up his fork and start eating.
“Of course. I wanted to make your favorite.”
Why was our conversation so formal? So impersonal. It took actual work to talk to him right now.
“Thanks. I’m not really that hungry. You know, long day and all.”
At least he picked up his fork now, but the way he pushed the food around reminded me of a four-year-old trying to make more space on their plate so it looked like they’d eaten enough so they could get down from the table.
I scratched the back of my neck and pursed my lips. “Well. Don’t eat if you’re not hungry.”
“I’m sorry, Cadence. Plus, you know I prefer my potatoes mashed, not baked.”
And there it was.
Pain shot through my stomach, knocking the wind out of me. I’d worked hard to make a meal I knew he’d like, but it still wasn’t good enough.
Would it ever be?
There would always be something to improve on, something I needed to change.
It hurt.
As I tried to bring more air into my lungs, Elijah stood from the table. “I’m going to jump in the shower and lay down. I’m exhausted.”
I only nodded. The ball lodged in my throat kept me from making any noises that would resemble a response.
I watched as he retreated up the stairs, absolutely oblivious to how much he’d hurt me. I only wanted to bring him joy and make him smile. To see my Elijah once again.
I pushed my plate away. My appetite long gone.
At least I’d have enough leftovers for lunch tomorrow. It was some kind of silver lining, I guess.
I grabbed my glass of wine and finished it in one swig before standing from the table and grabbing both plates of the untouched food.
I threw them into glass containers and set the plates in the sink. I’d deal with them tomorrow. I didn’t have the mental capacity to do it right now.
I made my way upstairs as I heard the shower turn off.
Moving on autopilot, and completely jaded, I changed and walked into the bathroom as Elijah towel-dried himself. Neither of us said anything as I put my night cream on my skin, and Elijah dressed in his boxers.
This wasn’t the first time we’d gone to bed at the same time, and it certainly wouldn’t be our last.
But it startled me when Elijah’s arms wrapped around my abdomen under the sheets. He wordlessly pulled my body to his, creating a big spoon-little spoon situation.
With his warm frame pushed against mine, I wanted to melt into his embrace. To completely forget the weird tension between us and return to how we used to be. So crazy about each other that we craved the other person to the point of obsession.
His breath caressed my ear, and I shivered as he pressed himself into me.
“I love your body. It’s perfect.”
Funny, that’s not what you said at the gala this summer when I was ‘asking for’ all that unwanted attention.
I bit my bottom lip to keep my unnecessary comments to myself.
I told my mind to let go of all thoughts and to focus on the way his hands moved across my bare skin. His soft lips on me. The slip of his tongue as he licked and bit my ear.
With each breath, I found my negative thoughts retreating.
This is what I wanted. To feel connected once again.
Plus, he was putting in effort… right?
I twisted my body to face him and didn’t hesitate as I brought my mouth to his. He answered me hungrily, our tongues fighting for dominance.
I pushed my hands up his arms, rubbing the soft skin of his forearms and up into his silken hair. He groaned into my mouth, and I was every bit as turned on as he was.
It was more than just the typical physical need for sex. I needed him emotionally. And this seemed to be the only way I would get that from him.
He rolled on top of me and pushed his hand under my tee and up to my breast. I arched into him, wordlessly urging him to remove the clothing that kept our skin from touching.
And he did.
Throwing both my bralette and shirt onto the floor, he pulled at my shorts and G-string next. I let him undress me completely before he leaned back on his knees and pushed down his boxers.
We didn’t worry about condoms. I was on the pill, and we were both clean.
I took the moment to admire him as he grabbed the base of his cock. He was incredibly handsome in a prim and pristine way, not at all rugged or harsh around the edges.
Everything he did, including having sex, was proper.
How hadn’t I noticed it before?
When he fucked me, he did so in a way that preserved both my integrity and dignity. It was proper, safe, and lacked that ‘I’ll die if I can’t have you right now’ intensity.
Elijah leaned over me and placed one last kiss on my lips before lining himself up and pushing inside me. I moaned as the bare skin of him stretched me. Filled me.
As he moved inside me, I met him thrust for thrust as sweat gathered over our skin, making us slip against each other.
Elijah grabbed my hip and moved faster. The sound of our bodies moving together echoed in the room.
My climax was building, but something held me back. Something I couldn’t put my finger on. No matter how hard I tried to focus on the intensity of Elijah inside me, pleasuring me, I couldn’t.
His body grew desperate for a release. His thrusts became less precise and sloppy, and I wrapped my legs around him to let him in deeper.
But I knew I wouldn’t finish.
And I was ready to be done with this.
As Elijah stilled on top of me and spilled himself inside, I was disconnected from the entire experience.
I’d wanted this, truly. When the night began, I’d hoped it would end with us being intimate, but it was missing the passion I required.
I craved it.
I needed it from him.
Without it, I felt empty.
Elijah rolled off me. “That was great, babe.”
He leaned over and kissed me on my cheek before falling back on his pillow.
I grunted a response as I climbed out of bed and went into the bathroom to wash his semen off my leg.
As I walked back into our bedroom, I found my discarded clothes. Elijah hadn’t moved since I’d gotten up, and as I slid back into the sheets, I saw why. He’d completely passed out.
I put my head on my pillow and wrapped my arms around myself as I fought the urge to let the tears that welled into my eyes fall down my cheeks.
I was still so utterly alone and empty.