Chapter 30
Chapter Thirty
Damien
Spring
Iwas officially in my sad-boy era.
Alone in the house I’d bought almost a year ago to be closer to Violet and the kids, the silence that surrounded me was louder than any other noise. The place was empty, the walls bare. I’d never been here long enough to actually settle in.
My home was just like me. Empty on the inside.
Sure, I had the essentials. But nothing in here made it mine. I’d even left the interior the pale blue color from the previous owners.
The only indication I lived here was the plethora of take-out containers that I’d stacked in the kitchen.
Thanks to the new delivery services, both food and groceries were brought straight to my door. I only went outside for band stuff or to go to Violet’s.
It’d been three months since Cadence kicked me out of her life, with good reason. I’d written a handful of woeful songs to encompass my tortured feelings. The band was thrilled with the progress, for obvious reasons, but I’d only wanted to make those emotions disappear.
Spoiler alert—they didn’t.
You know the saying: You don’t realize what you have until it’s gone?
Yep. Totally true.
Although, I knew what I had.
My arm had been twisted into letting her go. A pawn in Elijah’s world. We both were.
I didn’t want to let her go then, and I honestly didn’t want to let her go now, but I had to try to move forward. She had made it clear where she stood.
I’d tried to get Cadence to listen to me, to hear me out, plead my case.
But she refused.
And then she blocked my number.
Which was an exceptionally big pill to dry swallow.
So, I poured my aching soul into music once again.
We recorded three new singles, and we’d released the first one two weeks ago.
It was, naturally, the most gut-wrenching of the songs and 110% about losing Cadence.
I wanted her to hear it.
I needed her to know.
I truly cared for her.
Over the duration of our relationship, aside from all that sexual tension, we developed a friendship, and I missed that.
A genuine friendship.
And ultimately, I just wanted her to be happy. If leaving me behind was the key to that, I’d stay the course.
Even if I was dying inside.
My phone, lying beside me on my couch, rang, and I dragged my gaze from the divots on the smooth white ceiling to it.
I answered with a gruff hello.
“You’re not still sulking in your house, are you?” Violet’s voice punched through the receiver.
“Maybe.”
“Come on. You are better than this.”
“I’m doing the best I can.”
“No, you’re not. You’ve forgotten who you are. This…” she paused, and I could envision her gesturing toward me. “Is not who you are.”
“Violet…”
“Do I really need to remind you, Rascal?”
The nickname pulled at my lips, lifting them a little bit. I’d always been her troublemaker, always doing things I wasn’t supposed to, making her worry for no reason. Never listening…
Ironic how suddenly, I’m being such a good little boy.
I ran my hand through my hair. “No, I don’t need you to remind me. I just… I don’t know. It’s different. She’s different.”
“Tell me how.”
“It’s like she sees me and who I really am. What’s underneath the man on stage and beyond that persona I put out to protect myself. Somehow, she got beyond all that, and I started letting her in.”
“It’s difficult for you to let people in. So that says a lot about how much you trust her. Does she realize how you feel?”
I shook my head. “I never got the chance to tell her. I pulled away before I realized, and after that, she wouldn’t listen.”
A few moments passed before Vi spoke. “I hope you understand how much I appreciate everything you did for me. I don’t think I’ve told you enough, but thank you, Damien.
It couldn’t have been easy to let her go because of me.
To be put between those two choices. I’m so sorry you were thrown into that position. ”
“Vi… I’d do it again in a heartbeat.”
She pushed out a breath. “Well, luckily, you won’t have to.”
I’d come clean about the blackmail once Violet had gotten stronger.
Truthfully, I don’t know why I told her.
It just felt good to get it off my chest and talk about everything with someone.
And after she got better, there was zero chance that Elijah could do anything to hurt our family.
He only had that ammo because Violet had been declining, and I was aiming to get custody of the kids.
“I’m just glad to have you back. You had us all worried for a while there.”
Even the doctors were impressed with her recovery.
It seemed the treatment was doing its job and her last scan was miraculously clean.
She had gained her color back, too. That ashen pallor that had followed her for months had been replaced with rosy cheeks and a healthy glow.
Watching her get back into her life—eating things, playing with her kids, and even giving me a hard time—took a humongous weight off my shoulders.
“Let’s hope that the cancer doesn’t return this time and I can be truly cancer-free for the rest of my life. But enough about me, let’s get back to you.”
“I think we’ve exhausted that subject.”
“I heard the song, Damien.”
“I had no doubt you would.”
“So, I’m curious. When did you become such a pussy?”
I nearly choked on my spit. “What?!”
“You wrote a beautiful song about losing the one that you love.”
“And?”
“Why aren’t you fighting for her? If she is everything that you say she is, and you have all these feelings for her, why aren’t you there fighting for her day in and day out?”
I closed my eyes and let my head fall onto the back of my couch.
“So. I ask you again. When did you become such a pussy?”
“Violet.”
“Damien.”
“What do you want me to do? I already went to Fayetteville. I saw her. She told me to kick fucking rocks and blocked my number. There isn’t much more I can do.”
“Do you love her?”
My chest squeezed at the question. Thinking about that word made me dizzy. I was afraid to be vulnerable to someone again. To give those pieces of myself away.
“I…” Words wouldn’t form in my mouth.
“It’s okay, Damien.” My sister’s voice was low and soothing.
“I already know the answer. And so do you. It’s obvious by your actions.
You’re giving her the space she asked for out of respect for her.
You are hurting because you think this is what Cadence wants.
But Damien, I’m here to tell you, she wants you to fight for her.
Show her you care and that she is worth it to you.
Make her understand you pushed her away for the sake of your family.
Until she knows the truth, you’re doing both of you an injustice. ”
I needed something, anything, to keep Violet’s words from penetrating and settling in the back of my mind. I needed a reason to keep myself from going to Cadence once again.
To save me from falling at her feet and begging her to give me a chance. Because I would. In a heartbeat.
“I can’t leave you.” My voice was hoarse and unrecognizable as I tried to hold the longing inside and under control.
“You can’t use me to stay away from her anymore. I’m perfectly fine now.”
“It’s not that simple.”
“Why are you fighting this? Just go!”
I ran my hands through my hair again and let my gaze travel back to the divots on the ceiling. Is this really what I wanted? To be here, alone?
I took another look around my house. No pictures anywhere. No decorations to make it feel like a home. No one with me to fight off the lonely nights.
Violet was right.
Time to stop being a fucking pussy.
Tossing random necessities into my duffel bag, I packed for my road trip with little concern.
Now that I’d decided to visit Cadence again, I couldn’t get to her fast enough.
I longed to see those amber eyes, her beautiful smile, and feel her body against mine.
I wanted it so badly that driving through the night wouldn’t be a problem.
Every part of me ached to be with her again.
With my duffel in my hand, I walked out of my bedroom and into the kitchen to grab a bottle of water for the road.
“Damien,” a voice said, and my spine went ramrod straight. I nearly dropped my bottle, feeling like ice had been poured down the back of my shirt.
I turned slowly, trying to breathe since all the air had escaped my lungs. “What are you doing here?”
“You were never good at remembering to lock your doors. And I had to see you. I heard your song.”
“My song?”
“It’s about me, isn’t it? It has to be. ‘You’re a ghost in my embrace, a memory time won’t let go’. You wrote that about missing me. I know you did.”
I took a step back, then another, until I hit the counter. I was seeing a ghost. My brain couldn’t process the person standing in front of me.
“How did you find me?” I said, finally finding my voice.
She laughed, “I’ll admit it took a little digging, but no one is untraceable, and you have a habit of thinking you aren’t someone worth noticing.”
Slowly, Vanessa stepped toward me.
I held my hand out. “Stop. Don’t come near me. In fact, get out. Leave. I want you out of my house.”
She pouted, dropping her head to the side like she had so many times before. But it wouldn’t work on me now. “Come on, Damien. I missed you. And you clearly missed me.”
I let my gaze travel over her. It was early spring, and she wasn’t wearing a coat, only an oversized ragged gray hoodie and her leggings clung to her thin legs.
Her face was hollow and ashen, her brown eyes wide and appeared too big against her cheekbones, while her brown hair was looked stringy and unkempt.
She hadn’t gained a single pound in two years. In fact, it looked like she was still using. The familiar pity I’d felt for her returned.
Vanessa was still fighting her demons, but right now it seemed they had the upper hand.
I had decided all those years ago that she was beyond my help.
And it still rang true today.
I shook my head. “No, that song wasn’t about you.”
She fluttered her eyelashes. “You’re not telling me the truth.”
I picked up my duffle from the floor, and I walked toward her.
She watched me, her eyes glistening as she assumed she was getting what she wanted.
But she had me once, and I’d never go there again.
I’d found a girl who was perfect for me.
“I’m sorry, Vanessa. But I am. I wrote that song about someone else, and I haven’t thought about you or our relationship since I told her about my past.” I watched as the light behind her eyes faded. “You were the last thing on my mind when I wrote that song.”
Vanessa began shaking her head uncontrollably. “No. No. That’s a lie!”
“You need to leave. I don’t have time for this.”
“You’re being heartless. Don’t you still love me?”
She reached out and grabbed me, her bony fingers digging into my skin. I pulled my arm out of her grasp as irritation coursed through me. “No. I don’t.”
“But the song!”
“What do you want, Vanessa? Why did you come here? You and I both know it wasn’t about the song or whether you still loved me. You came here for something, so spit it out.”
“How can you be so cruel, Damien?”
“Because you have never been truthful with me, and I no longer have to listen to it. So cut the bullshit, Vanessa. What do I have to do for you to leave?”
She crossed her arms, showing off her pouty lips once more. “I really did love you, Damien.”
“In the best way that you could. But we’ve both moved on, and there is no reason to rehash the past. So get the fuck out.”
Vanessa’s gaze flicked down to the duffel in my hand, noticing for the first time I’d been carrying it. “Going somewhere? Maybe to see the girl you actually wrote the song for?”
“That’s none of your business.”
“I’m not sure about that.”
“Vanessa, my patience with you is growing very thin.”
“I could make it hard on you. Follow you around. Go to the press about your arrest and abuse. Have the tabloids pay me for my story. I hadn’t even thought about it until some guy found me and started asking questions.”
Fucking Elijah. Why was he the root of all of my problems?
I took a deep breath, trying to reign in my anger before I snapped. “This is the last time I’m asking, then I’m throwing your ass out. What do you want?”
“I want you. It’s as simple as that.”
“No. What you want is my money. That’s all I’ve ever been to you, a walking ATM.”
“That’s not true.”
“I’m not interested. Now leave.”
Vanessa moved closer to me, putting her chest against mine. “I can really fuck up your new relationship, Damien. Don’t tempt me.”
I squeezed my fists as my pulse hammered in my ears.
I leaned in close to her, our noses almost touching.
“Just try it and see what happens,” I growled between clenched teeth.
“I’m not the lovesick puppy I was before.
You saw to that. If you do anything to try to hurt the people I love, I will sue you for defamation and send your ass to jail for possession.
I’m sure you’ve got some on you right now. ”
Standing to my full height, I dropped my water bottle and duffle bag on the floor before I grabbed her by the elbow and pulled her toward the door.
She tried to twist her arm out of my grasp. “Stop. You’re hurting me.”
Yanking open the door, I shoved her outside. “I’ve repeatedly asked you to get out, and this is private property. And if I were you, I wouldn’t take my threats lightly.”
I slammed the door as her jaw dropped in a perfect ‘O’.
I took a deep breath before moving to grab my stuff. I had an eleven-hour drive ahead to unpack the cluster fuck that just exploded in front of me.