Chapter 43 Self-Destructive Mode Is Real Fun
Self-Destructive Mode Is Real Fun
“My mom is dead, you know?”
“I really don’t.”
I’m already dressed for the party, in a short black dress that fits my body, while Allison is doing her hair. I quit on mine. No need to straighten it because my mom is a good person after all. I mean, was…
“And I feel like I can’t even be mad at my dad because the love of his life asked him on her deathbed not to say anything to us. Who does that?!”
She thinks very hard while squinting to put on eye shadow.
“You know, since this is an original experience, I can’t really guide you through this, but it is kind of fucked up how they kept this a secret for this long.”
“Right?” I get up, frantic, I’m sure, and she grimaces at me.
“Let me at least cover the puffy eyes…”
“Sure. Do whatever you want.”
I sit lifelessly in the chair while she revolves around me, doing all sorts of stuff I never let her do.
And she’s right, my eyes are horrible. I went to the rage room this morning, and the fact that the last time I was there, Jake was there with me, only made it worse.
Dustin had to stop my session about halfway to make sure I wasn’t having a psychotic break. No, just broken.
When she finishes, she steps aside and lets me look in the mirror.
Copy. Paste.
I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror for years because of this.
I’m not sure who I am without hating her. How do I prefer my hair? Makeup or not? Action movies? Sports? Adventure? Anything? Where does my hatred for her stop, and I begin?
“We have to leave through the back door.”
I think it’s just extra cruel if my dad sees me like this…
I walk out the door and text him, telling him where I’ll be and approximately when I’ll be home.
Dad: Have fun :)
I push my phone down my purse and walk down the dark streets with Allison.
It doesn’t take long to find the only mansion in all of Mailview, pumping 2000s songs for all the neighborhood to hear, pink spotlights lighting up her house. I mean, she is this town’s Regina George, that’s for sure.
“Walking into the wolf’s coven…” Allison narrates.
“Free drinks, Alls.” I simply say, and she stops.
When we get in, we’re immediately greeted by a waiter with green shot glasses, and Low by Flo Rida plays through the speakers.
I down the shot and recognize it as absinthe, the same I drank when I went to the club, the night I started to date- Fake date, Jake.
I’m gonna need another one.
I go back and down another, with Allison grabbing my hand and dragging me to the dance floor.
The song transitions into Lean On by DJ Snake and Allison, and I just dance it out. Hair flipping, singing the lyrics, and in no time, desperate boys.
Allison pushes one away, but I don’t care enough to push the one grabbing my hips away. It’s like my emotions are turned off, and I’m just numb.
That’s when I feel someone grab my arm.
My eyes widen in fear, and in no time, Allison is pushing and punching Trent away.
“Get off me!” I shout, and he wears that disgusting, vengeful smile.
Not for long, though. Amanda appears out of nowhere and knocks him out with a food tray.
My mouth drops open, surprised, in a good way.
“Truce.” She nods, and I nod back. She asks her staff to kick him out and goes back to the corner of the room… Where Jake is.
They’re just talking, a respectable distance between them, but why would I care? I turned him down.
I go to the bar and order three tequila shots and dismiss the lime and salt. I drink them almost without breathing between taking each.
I catch two girls also watching Amanda and Jake.
“They broke up, right?” One of them says.
“Thank god, because that guy is sex on legs, Tiffany. I’m going in.”
She pushes herself off the counter, and I don’t dare to look at the scene anymore. Also, who says sex on legs?
I come back to the dance floor and turn my back to him.
Disturbia by Rihanna starts playing, and I just throw my head back and let everything go.
I dance like I’m alone in this room, like you’re supposed to dance, not just bopping your head around pretending to be cool.
A song passes, and so does a waiter, and I just keep the rhythm up. Shot, song, shot song, shot, song… Until everything is blurry around me, sort of muffled, and I just keep on dancing, stumbling a bit on top of Allison.
“Sorry.”
“I think it’s time to go.”
“No! We’re having fun.” I shout, and she shouts.
“You have been drinking for three hours now. I don’t want you to get into a coma.”
“I’m going to the bathroom.” I throw her a thumbs-up and lose her in the crowd.
I don’t know how this house hasn’t fallen yet because in those three hours, a hundred more people came in, and the dance floor is packed.
I’m stumbling my way to the bathroom and holy shit, this looks straight out of a millionaire lifestyle magazine…
I try not to get too distracted by all the marble and focus on the toilet.
I grab the walls to help me get down, and I take the longest pee in my life. Also, I’m trying really hard not to throw up.
“Brown?” Jake knocks on the door, and I whine.
“Go away, Jake, I’m peeing!”
He doesn’t bother me anymore, so I flush the toilet and wash my hands, looking at my disheveled self in the mirror. A shadow of how I left the house this morning. Still, no matter how much makeup Allison puts on me, nothing can hide my heartbreak and the puffiness of my eyes.
I open the door wide open, and Jake’s waiting for me, arms crossed, like a patronizing prick.
“I told you to leave me alone.” I try walking forward and end up stumbling, and he catches me.
“Jesus, Mads, you can’t even walk.”
“Stop judging me, you’ve been doing this since you were thirteen.”
“I was an idiot, you know that.” He sighs. “You’re better than this.”
I nod. I’m not. I’m only human, and lately it feels like the world is turning on me.
“I can walk, West. Go back to Amanda.” It comes out spiteful.
I push myself off him too harshly and end up leaning against the wall, walking slowly towards the exit.
“Mads…”
“No, no, I’m Brown. You’re West. Don’t Mads me!” I argue while opening the door, so much pain inside me. “We’re nothing, West, get that inside your head.”
I know. I know that I’m being horrible and I wanna stop, but ever since I discovered the truth, it’s like I’m on a moving train that gets faster and faster and is impossible to get off.
“You don’t mean that. You’re drunk. Where’s Allison?” He asks, coming closer and making sure I don’t trip down the stairs.
“They call it drunk truths for a reason.” I roll my eyes. “You should just quit Jake and go back to Tiffany. Or Amanda.”
“You don’t want to be with me? It kills me, but fine.
” He makes me look at him, his eyes burning and locking mine.
“But I’m not quitting you, Madelaine, mainly because I’m not sure I know how to, but also because you’re not this person who’s hurting me right now.
” He tries to look for something inside me.
Reason? Emotion? Something. “I know you’re hurting.
” My heart drops as he looks right through me.
“And believe me, that tortures me so much more than any word you can throw my way.”
I blink away the tears.
“Whatever, West. I thought you were better than chasing a lost cause.”
His jaw clenches, and that’s when I hear Allison.
“Oh my god, Madelaine, finally. Where were you?” Then she stops, realizing she walked in on our conversation.
“You should get her home.” Jake says, sighing.
“You don’t tell her what to do. I go home if I want to go home.” I say childishly.
“Oh, we are going home. Even if I have to pick you up and throw you onto the couch myself.” Allison declares, and I throw my hands up.
“No need, I’m going.” I glance at Jake, who’s looking at the ground.
“Drink water.” He advises, and I scoff, while being dragged away by Allison.
“I’ll drink water if-”
“You want to, I know.” He takes a deep breath and walks to the other side of the street, and I catch sight of his bike.
I hear it in the background as I get home.
Allison tries her best not to make noise, but of course, my dad is waiting for me.
“Shit.” Allison mutters, and my dad sees me.
“Hey, Dad…” I smile ironically. “Your greatest disappointment is home.”
His face falls at my words.
“I’m gonna put on my pajamas…” Allison gets out, and I let my body fall on the couch nearest me.
“You are not a disappointment, you hear me?” My dad sits on the coffee table in front of the couch.
“You are one of the strongest people I know. You stepped up when you didn’t have to, and I take the blame for that.
I was too consumed by my own grief to realize that you felt like you had the weight of the world on your shoulders.
I’m the dad, Madelaine, and you made everything easier for me, but at what cost?
I failed you and Lindsey.” He rubs his face.
“If anyone’s a disappointment, it’s me.”
“Don’t say that. The only thing that comforted me about the fact that Mom was gone was the fact that I had you.
” I sniffle, remembering all the times my dad stayed until late at night baking muffins for our school sale and how, even though his job was half an hour away from our house, he always made it so he could take us and pick us up from school.
How he missed hangouts with coworkers and Christmas dinners because he insisted he wanted to stay with us instead.
Even when we were tight on money, he would save up money so we could go to the movies to watch that brand new movie everyone was talking about.
“I love you so much, Maddie. If I could take away all your pain and put it on me, I would.” He strokes my head, and I hold his hand.
“I know. I’m sorry I’m worrying you.” I cry quietly, and he kisses the top of my head, barely containing his emotion.
“It’s my job to worry. It’s yours to be a teenager.”
Silence fills the rooms for a few beats.
“I love you too, Dad. Don’t die in the next 60 years, please.” I joke, and he laughs through the tears.
“Not if I can help it. I promise.” He sits down on the ground, still holding my hand, and for the first time in a while, I feel at peace.
He stayed with me until I fell asleep, keeping me safe.
Until we got the call.