Chapter 46 LOML
LOML
“Maddie.” My dad shakes me slightly and- “He’s okay. He was moved to observation.”
My eyes swell up from joy and disbelief.
“Really? You’re not lying?” I cry through my biggest smile, and he smiles back.
“Hey, are you calling me a liar?”
I stare him down, the elephant in the room — mom — obviously staring at us.
“I promise.”
I hug him, and he squeezes me.
“You’re so strong, Dad.”
Really, I don’t know how he did it. The emotions I felt for an hour, he has been feeling for eight years. Eight years of torture.
But she pulled through. Maybe. Maybe she’s listening, maybe she’s not, but the bottom line is he’s okay. And I kind of like the idea that she can hear me, even if that makes me batshit crazy.
“Thanks.” He squeezes me tighter and then looks at me, hiding a smile. “You can visit him.”
My eyes light up, and then guilt washes over me.
I dismissed him as if he meant nothing to me last time we spoke. At the party.
I bite my lip as I slowly get up and round the corner, barely able to look at Joey and Emily, who are coming from his room.
That doesn’t stop Emily from speaking to me kindly.
“Riden’s in there, but then you can go, if you want.” She hesitates and then throws her arms around me. “Thank you for caring for him. I appreciate you so much, sweet girl.” She hugs me tight, and I feel my stomach being punched with guilt.
I fought with him and then did nothing to stop him from being on that bike.
When I open my eyes, I catch Amanda’s eyes from across the hall, sitting in front of Jake’s room.
Emily lets me go, and I approach his room carefully.
I then decide to sit beside her, and she laughs bitterly.
“I never stood a chance.”
“Excuse me?”
“Against you. With him.” She half smiles while looking at the wall.
“Amanda, I swear I didn’t- He didn’t- Nothing happened while you were together.”
“I know.” She purses her lips. “I mean, I think I always knew. You were like a ghost haunting our relationship. And I don’t think he was even aware.
” She smiles ironically, a tear starting to fall down her angelic skin.
She wipes it with her finger, trying not to ruin her makeup.
“But it was obvious. And exhausting. I was so bitter all the time, because who can compete with Madelaine Brown?”
Now that’s something I never heard.
“I always felt like I was falling short. I didn’t tease him enough, or I teased too much.
I didn’t have the right smile, the one that lit him up.
Didn’t listen to the right music and didn’t read the same books.
” She glances at me and then at the ground.
“I’m sorry for everything I ever said to you. ”
She’s emotional but doesn’t let more tears fall.
“Thanks. If it makes you feel better, I wish I could treat people nicely. Or fit in and say the right things. I would love to do makeup without looking like a clown and actually put together decent outfits.”
“Thanks… You know, he punched Trent last night. A couple of times.”
“What?”
“Yeah, he was already fired up because I told him about what he tried with me… But when he saw him grab you… Trent was done. Apparently, not for the first time either.”
Blade.
“I’m glad he woke up and realized we were both wasting our time.” She shrugs, and I don’t say anything.
Riden comes out of his room, and Amanda gets up to go in.
She takes about ten minutes, and then she comes out, smiling at me while she leaves.
I feel for her, I really do. But she kicked me when I was at my lowest, dragging me down just because she was insecure. I might recognize that it’s water under the bridge, but I can’t forget all the times she made me cry.
The door of his room keeps staring back at me, letting me gain focus on what’s really important.
I take a deep breath and get up, walking into the room, the door already half open.
Isn’t he a sight for sore eyes…
I come closer to the bed and don’t dare to sit, too uncomfortable with how I spoke to him.
“You died. For a few minutes.” My eyes focus on a spot in the sheets and don’t dare to move.
“It was kind of terrifying.” I lay my hand on top of his.
“I’m sorry, Jake. I was horrible to you.
” I say in one breath, my voice wavering and my eyes looking up, trying not to cry.
“You never gave up on me, even when you should have.” I cry and laugh, wiping my nose. “And you say I’m stubborn…”
I end up sitting down, my eyes never leaving his, that even closed, are marked on my brain.
“And I…” I breathe in deeply, feeling the air getting trapped in my lungs and then slowly expanding them.
“I love you.” My voice cracks. “Of course, I love you, but… I can’t stop thinking that you deserve better than this mess.
” I gesture towards me as if he could see it.
“But even when I try convincing myself that I don’t want you, I do.
And I just want you to wake up and make one of those cocky jokes and make me laugh.
I mean, truly laugh. I need that. I need you.
” I wipe my tears away. “I thought that what was keeping me from being with you was the fact that my mom had left me, and that once I had closure, we could… But, now, turns out she actually loved me and died, and that only makes things more complicated.” I sigh.
“I hate that I’m too scared to be with you, and I can’t turn it off.
Isn’t it ridiculous? You almost died, and still I’m shaking from the thought that I could destroy us.
” I get up and look at him. “I should be the sun for you, not a black hole.”
Because even a black hole can consume and make the sun disappear. Jake is definitely my sun.