34. Gigi
CHAPTER 34
Gigi
The last time I was at a funeral, it was Andrew’s. Think of happy thoughts, Gigi. Picture the beach. Picture the park. Picture Andrew laughing with a red Solo Cup in his hand.
Today, it’s Vince’s. Think of happy thoughts, Gigi. Picture the beach. Picture the park. Picture meeting Vince during his wedding day when he married Mom.
Becca could’ve been in that car. Think of happy thoughts, Gigi. Picture the beach. Picture the park. Picture Becca with melted ice cream dripping from her chin.
Ever since the hospital, Luke has spent most of his time either consoling Becca or discussing the funeral arrangements with his aunt and uncle. With Mom barely functioning, I haven’t left her side. She took Vince’s word when he said he was a recovering alcoholic. She feels blindsided. But most of all, she’s feeling guilty. And now? Now she’s shell-shocked and devastated.
Mom said Vince changed ever since he found out Luke and I were dating, but after Zach barged into my baby shower and aired Mike’s dirty laundry, he became distant and snappy. I’m going to take a lucky guess that it went from bad to worse after that. Although Luke doesn’t want to admit it, he might’ve gotten his conflict resolution skills from his dad. That scares me.
What if it was Luke who was in an accident instead? Trembling, I close my eyes and start again. Think of happy thoughts, Gigi. Picture the beach. Picture the park. Picture Luke ? —
“Why are you crying?” the man himself asks. He’s standing in front of me, wearing the same suit he wore when Andrew died.
“I hate funerals.” I hate that I sound meek.
I want to comfort him, but I don’t know what to say. He still hasn’t cried, and I fear it’s going to bite him in the ass one day. There is a mountain of awkwardness between us now. Hoping he understands what I’m trying to convey, I caress his forearm since I have Ethan in the baby carrier and my left hand is on the pram where Gwen is currently having tummy time.
He looks at my hand and follows the movement of my thumb, not saying anything. Our daughter breaks the silence with her crying. I’m about to lift her up, but Luke beats me to it. He takes her in his arms and kisses the top of her head.
I watch him shush our kid as he whispers sweet words to her. For all his faults, Lucas Palmer is a wonderful father. He’s one hell of a brother. He’s an amazing partner, too. I hold on to a lot of resentment for him being absent during the majority of my pregnancy and missing the birth, but he’s been here ever since, hasn’t he? Even when I push him away. Why can’t things just go back to the way they used to be? Why is it so hard for me to be nice to him again? He deserves a happy wife. Especially now.
His honey eyes meet mine as he catches me staring. We don’t look away, months of unspoken words and unresolved issues passed around in the air. When Luke finally sighs, I see the resolve on his face. He must be tired of my shit by now. He has a lot of other, more pressing things in his life than dealing with a bitchy wife, Becca’s care being the biggest one.
I finally break our staring contest to turn around and bend my knees, grabbing the wet wipes and diaper from the pram’s storage basket. With the way Gwen is crying, I’m betting her diaper needs to be changed.
“Do you still love me, Gi?” His voice is low, serious. Count on Luke to cut straight to the chase, even at his own father’s funeral.
I hesitate, but not because I don’t love him, but because I’m thrown off guard by his question. “Of course I do,” I finally answer, but when I twist my back and look up, Luke is already deep in conversation with one of my mom’s colleagues who is offering him her condolences.
Ethan jerks his hands and feet around, wailing. His face is turning red as more tears spill down his face. I grimace and give everyone an apologetic smile as people shift their focus from the burial ceremony to us.
“Sorry, Mom,” I whisper to my sobbing mother next to me. “I think he’s hungry.”
“Let me take Gwen. You go and find a nice, quiet spot to breastfeed him.”
“I’ll just take her with me.”
My mother gives me a small smile. “Hand me my granddaughter, Giuliana. I could use a good cuddle.”
I grant her her wish. I understand her because Mom and I are similar. Our main source of comfort is physical touch, I’m not going to deny her that. I’m the living proof of how a snuggle with a baby is the ultimate stress reliever.
“I’ll be back in a bit,” I tell Mom before planting a soft kiss on her cheek.
Spotting a bench near the front entrance of the graveyard, I unbutton my blouse and offer Ethan my breast. He drinks the milk greedily as I hug him tighter to keep him warm from the breezy April winds. Ethan’s eyelids get heavier after the feeding and I stand on my feet, rocking him back and forth so he can get a nap in.
As I move in small circles, my eyes immediately spot the all-too-familiar tombstone in the distance, not too far from where our group is burying Vince. I haven’t been to Andrew’s grave since the pregnancy. It’s weird being here with the twins. My life with Andrew seems like a lifetime ago. If he could see me now, what would he think of all of this?
“I’ve made a wonderful mess of everything, Andrew,” I whisper, hoping he can hear me from wherever he is. If I’m lucky, he’s lurking around as a ghost at this exact spot, eager to impart some wisdom on me. “What if I’m as sad as you now? What if I can’t go back to who I was? What if I ruined Luke’s life? I think Vince drank again because I’m with Luke. It wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t kissed him. I did this.”
Ethan stirs from my voice, and being reminded that he and his sister exist stops me from going into an even darker place than the one I’m already at. I shush him as I circle the area again, forcing myself to look away from Andrew’s grave. In my head, I picture him here with me as a friend, giving me a pep talk and reassuring me that everything will be fine.
“Gigi.” Luke’s voice brings me out of my daze . How long has he been standing there?
“The baby’s sleeping.” I quickly turn around as I feel myself blushing, embarrassed that he might’ve heard me talking to a dead person. He already thinks I’m depressed. Today, of all days, he shouldn’t have to worry that I’ve turned batshit crazy. “You’re going to wake him up. I’ll join you guys soon. Don’t worry.”
Luke grabs my shoulder, and I stiffen. “Gigi, please look at me.”
“What is it, Luke?” I hear the trembling in my voice. I don’t want him to worry about me today. He has enough on his plate as is.
“I want us to be a real couple again, Gi. I want to make it work.”