38. Luke
CHAPTER 38
Luke
Graduation is just around the corner, and I haven’t cared about my career less than I do today. It’s fucking hilarious, really. Ever since I was old enough to know that without a decent job, upward mobility is a scam for the son of the town drunk, I pushed, and pushed, and pushed to make myself the exception to the rule. I don’t plan like Gigi with Excel sheets and Post-it notes, but I always made sure to dream big and cross whatever bridge I needed to once I reached it.
Today, I have only one dream after the commencement ceremony next week. That some fucking miracle happens and I can sort out the clusterfuck that has become my life.
Fuck you, Dad, for dying. Fuck you for not thinking about Becca. Fuck you for never thinking about me.
My phone rings and I groan when I see the caller ID. Only an asshole would call someone at the crack of dawn. After letting Uncle Mike go to voicemail, I put on my baseball cap, grab my keys, and make the drive to the one place I know is going to give me some sort of relief.
The drive is easy. No traffic. Only green lights through and through. Once I reach the parking lot, I go to the one spot that I’m itching to reach, the one I haven’t been paying a visit to in some time. I didn’t know how. Many times and many nights have been wasted where I’d have the intention to come here, only to chicken out like some fucking coward at the last minute.
Well, I’m here now. More for me than for him, but I’m here.
Something Aunt Judith said to me during my mother’s funeral invades my chain of thought. She’s a goddamn hypocrite, that woman. But I can’t deny all the things she’s done for me.
Think of happy thoughts, Luke. Picture bicycle rides. Picture ice cream on Sunday afternoons. Picture Andrew being able to hear you right now.
“Hey, man,” I greet the dead guy that’s six feet underground. “Sorry I haven’t been here in a while.” Pulling my hands out of my pockets, I sit cross-legged facing his tombstone. “That’s actually a lie. I was here a few weeks ago. Your uncle finally let the bottle kill him. He’s here somewhere, but I didn’t have the guts to visit you when we buried him. The truth is, I felt fucking guilty. I still do. Gigi, uh, she gave birth. Ethan and Gwen Palmer. And I have no doubt you would’ve spoiled them rotten if you were here.”
I stop talking. The grass beneath me is still damp from the rain last night, probably leaving green stains on my jeans as I sit here. I pluck a few, rolling them with my thumb. “This was supposed to be your life, though, right? You were supposed to get the girl. You were the one who was supposed to have the twins. For some fucked-up reason, I was the one who got it all, and I still managed to fuck it up.” Another pause. Another moment to gather my thoughts. Funny, considering nobody is listening to me except for a ghost. “I, uh, like always, I just bulldozed through with whatever I thought was best, and Gigi suffered the brunt of it. It’s hard sometimes to work as a team when I spent half of my life deciding what was best for me and Becca on my own.” I rest a hand behind my neck and power through. “She’s doing better, though. Gigi. I think. We found a therapist that’s been doing God’s work. She’s still sulky, but she’s talking again. Smiling. The bill is a bitch to pay, but I don’t give a shit, Andrew. I can’t lose her. I’ve already lost you.”
I sit there in silence, straightening out my legs as I lean on my arms. If Andrew had lived, he would be twenty now, the same age I was when he died. Would he have joined a frat? Would he have changed his major? Theology doesn’t seem fitting when your dad fucks through the congregation. I can picture him being one of those marketing bros. He always had a knack for being charming. Maybe he would’ve gotten into one of those cool and hip companies that make their employees wear hoodies after he graduated.
A marketing executive and a therapist. That’s what Gigi wants to be. The perfect couple. I bet he would’ve picked up on the signs she wasn’t doing well way faster than I did. Kai had to call me out for me to realize, for fuck’s sake.
A moment passes by until I scrub my face with my hand. I really have to stop with this nonsense.
There’s no use comparing yourself to your dead cousin, Luke. You’re the one who’s with Gigi now. It’s your job to be the best version of you that you can be for her. For Ethan. For Gwen.
Standing up, I knock on the top of his tombstone, smiling as I do so. “We’re meeting Zach today. If it were up to me, I would’ve killed the guy with my bare hands, but he did help Gigi when I wasn’t there for her. Yeah, another fuck-up of mine. She wants to hear him out, and honestly, so do I. I want to know what happened to you.”
“So, what do you guys want to know?” Zach asks, leaning on the chair with his legs stretched out across from us at the coffee shop. His posture shows confidence, but his eyes reflect anything but.
Before I can get a word in, Gigi answers him. “Did you send me the video of Andrew and Rachel?”
Okay, I guess we’re starting with the difficult questions first.
“Yes.”
“Why? And how on earth did you manage to get him to sleep with her?”
I’m not going to lie, it stings knowing she still cares so much about Andrew cheating on her that the first thing that pops in her head the moment we have this guy for interrogation is Rachel. But I know it means nothing.
She loves you, Luke. Thinking otherwise won’t do you any good.
“I…” Zach pauses, sighing. “I just wanted to make his life miserable, okay? I might’ve slipped some Molly into his drink and riled him up a bit after he chugged it down. You two don’t do drugs, so you don’t know, but it’s not that hard to convince someone of something or to do something when they’re rolling.”
My wife gasps and I grind my molars. It’s hard to fucking reconcile this guy with the one we’ve been hanging out with.
“And all of this for some petty bullshit Andrew didn’t have anything to do with?”
Something with my question is pissing Zach off. He bites his bottom lip as if he’s restraining himself from yelling. “It wasn’t…Look, in hindsight, I regret every single fucking thing I did. Andrew didn’t deserve what happened to him. He was a good guy. A really, really good guy. And I made his life miserable. I’m not saying this to justify what I did, but I’m saying it so you can understand my point of view at that time. Andrew’s dad promised my mom a bunch of crap that he never intended on following through with. He wooed her and told her he’d marry her, run off with her, pay for my college tuition, send my siblings to private schools, have kids with her. Loads of crap. My mom bought it and dumped my dad. He was so in love with her, he never recovered after what happened. And her? She was so stupid. After asking for a divorce from my dad, she went and told her family that she was going to marry Michael Palmer. When she realized that she was just one of many, the embarrassment caught up to her and she ran off. My dad kickstarted his drinking problem after that and I had to take care of my siblings. You won’t get it, but it was too much pressure for me, and I cracked. My anger was misplaced, but eighteen-year-old me just wanted to do something…rage at someone.”
He’s wrong. I do get it. I get every word. It doesn’t make it right.
“Why did you befriend Gigi?” I ask. “Was it a part of your sick revenge plan?”
When he looks at her, his eyes soften. “In the beginning.” A ghost of a smile forms on his lips. “When I sent you that video, definitely,” he says, shifting his body so that he’s facing Gigi. “And then he died. And in the beginning, I got close to you because I was afraid of what he might’ve told you. If he had told you something, I wanted to know what you were going to do with that information. Rat me out or plan your revenge. I was sizing up the competition and planning my next move.”
“You are such a dick,” Gigi huffs, crossing her arms.
Zach smiles weakly, but says in a gentle tone, “Hey, I was still an angry kid back then. When the guilt started flooding, I got paranoid.” He pauses, eyeing me and then Gigi. “But then I got to know you, and you ended up becoming my friend. And then I just wanted to make sure that you were alright. That you were doing better. Moving on, you know? I knew you were sad because of me. I’m sorry, Gigi.” Focusing back on me, he continues. “You, too, Luke.”
“I can’t fucking forgive you, Zach. I just fucking can’t.” I suck in a breath through my clenched teeth and exhale. “The only reason why I haven’t reported you to the police yet is because you brought Gigi to the hospital.”
“That’s why you kept on setting me up with guys and dragging me to parties,” Gigi mumbles.
“I just wanted you to be happy,” Zach answers Gigi solemnly before his blue eyes travel to me. “And trust me, Luke. I know. Trust me.”
“Why didn’t you tell us all of this before?” I ask. Two years seem like a long enough time to come clean. If Uncle Mike hadn’t recognized him, he would’ve continued with this charade.
“You guys ended up becoming my best friends.” His eyes are downcast as he chuckles to himself. Bringing his gaze back up slowly, he continues, “I guess I wanted to be your friend for as long as I could.”
So many questions that Gigi and I had are finally being answered by the bully himself. The boy who made my cousin’s life a living hell. But also the guy who had potluck dinners with us and the friend who helped Gigi during labor.
I don’t want Zach in my life, not anymore, but I’m over this fucking conversation. I thought I’d get in a punch today. But instead, I just feel sorry for him and want to be done with this talk as soon as possible. It’s clear as day the guy is already miserable and pathetic as it is. What good would it do to me to bash his face in, except maybe get a record?
Most importantly, Andrew wouldn’t want me to.
Zach and Gigi continue to talk while I excuse myself to the toilet. When I come back, I feel a sense of relief when I hear Gigi say, “Look, Zach, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me, especially when I was in labor, but I can’t be your friend anymore. I see it on Luke’s face, he’s still tortured by Andrew’s death. He’s still processing. And I can’t just brush off what you did to Andrew. You tortured him, Zach. Maybe it’s not a crime to bully someone, but what you did was unforgivable. It doesn’t matter how hurt you were. Did you ever consider that maybe Andrew was hurting as well?” Gigi doesn’t let him get a word in. “Take care of yourself. I hope you never go back to who you were before.”
I would’ve never asked Gigi to sever ties with Zach. If that’s what she wants, we can have a conversation about it. But hearing her actually pick me over someone else. Hearing her say Luke is my priority . Feels fucking nice.