37. Gigi
CHAPTER 37
Gigi
THREE WEEKS LATER
“Tuesday at ten next week?” the receptionist asks.
“Perfect. See you then.”
“See you then, Gigi. Say hi to your husband and the twins for me.”
I give her a small wave goodbye before walking out of the building I’ve been visiting twice a week since Vince’s funeral. Dr. Lindon, my therapist, said that we’d taper off the sessions to once a week once I get better, but for now, this is the pace that we’re at.
Postpartum anxiety with a dose of postpartum depression. That’s what Dr. Patel suspected when we visited her right after we got back. When she advised us to call her friend, a therapist named Dr. Lindon, he gave me the official diagnosis.
It feels freeing in a way to know what you have. I’m still ashamed of my outburst during my six-week checkup with Dr. Patel, and I’ve lost track of how many apologies I’ve given out to Luke for not listening to him. I didn’t see myself slipping and slipping further into a black hole, and once I knew something was not right, I was already in the thick of it. I’m nowhere close to being back to my normal self, but acknowledging that I’m not alone and I have people around me who are supporting me is already half the battle. Like Dr. Lindon likes to say, one step forward each day, no matter big or small .
You can do this, Gigi. Think of happy thoughts, Gigi. Picture the beach. Picture the park. Picture yourself being happy with your family.
Waiting to be picked up, I stare at the quiet street in front of me as my mind wanders off. I relate to Andrew a lot better now. I might not be wrestling with the same demons as he was, but I get why he never told anybody about how he was feeling. The mind is wonderful when it can be and a traitorous thing when you’re not careful. I don’t even dare to think about where I’d be right now if Luke weren’t so persistent with me.
I smile when I see a familiar truck pull up. From the passenger window on the back, I spot Ethan and Gwen trying to put their fists in their mouths in the back.
“Good session?” Luke asks when I climb into the car.
“Good session.” His shoulders sag in relief as he leans over to me to give me a small peck on the cheek. “How was Becca?”
“She’s good. Better. She asked me whether she could sleep over this weekend.”
I hate that he looks unsure as he asks the question, like I’m going to explode or reject her. Luke doesn’t need this right now, especially with his idiot uncle and aunt threatening to go to court for a custody battle. We’re lucky that given Becca’s tragic past, her own admission that she’d rather stay with Luke or my mom, and my mother’s willingness to stay in Kinsdale Springs with her, the social worker granted her temporary custody. We’d take Becca in a heartbeat, but with our lack of proper income and less than ideal living arrangement with Kai until he graduates, people don’t see us as fit candidates.
“I’ll set the air mattress up for her in the nursery,” I answer. Placing a gentle hand on his thigh, I probe, “How’s the job hunting going?”
“It’s going. There’s just not a lot of options here in Ravensfield.” Luke scratches the back of his head. “You know how it is. The city has a population of forty thousand and thirty thousand of them are students. Unless I want to work at the university, it’s like finding a needle in a haystack. And the faculty doesn’t have a full-time opening at the moment.” Well, crap .
“We can…” I pause. This is something I’ve been thinking about for a while now. “We can always move somewhere else. I can always transfer or if you want to move back to Kinsdale Springs, I can always dro?—”
“Don’t you dare finish that sentence, Gi. You are not dropping out.” He shoots me a warning look as he makes a turn, the sound of the blinker a source of entertainment for the twins.
“It’s no big deal. I’m not even going to class right now, anyway. I can find something else to do. Maybe work and take a couple of online classes.”
“Gigi.”
“Luke.”
“I’ll find something.”
“Gigi, this shit is fantastic.” With his mouth still full, Kai gives me a chef’s kiss.
“Language, man,” Luke growls, glaring at his best friend. “Ethan and Gwen are right there.”
“Glad you like the shakshuka.” I grin proudly and give my attention back to the twins.
When Dr. Lindon suggested that doing things I used to enjoy pre-motherhood might be good for me, Luke was quick to jump on the bandwagon. Since potluck dinners with our friends used to bring me so much joy, the three of us decided to have weekly sit-down dinners together. It feels different now, I don’t know if it’s because Zach and Zoey aren’t here, or because I’m still struggling.
“So, when are you guys going to your parents’ playdate thing again?” Kai asks.
“Support group for young parents,” I correct him.
“Tomorrow night,” Luke answers before tipping his head to face me. “Darnell asked us to meet up before that. You up for it, Gi? You can meet his wife. Meet a new mom friend.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. My first instinct is to lash out and ask him why on Earth would I do that when he knows that I have zero desire to meet new people, but I remember something Dr. Lindon told me.
“Luke isn’t a mind reader, Gigi. So if you don’t agree with something he says or does, you need to tell him that, and you need to express yourself in a productive way. Step out of the situation and assess it from his perspective.”
“Would it be okay if we just meet them at the support group?” I ask. “I don’t think I’m ready for that just yet. I don’t feel like meeting new people. I don’t mind you hanging out with them afterward, but I’d just go home.”
Luke pauses, his eyes studying me, and I brace myself for a fight. I’m speechless when instead, he squeezes my arm and says, “Yeah, of course. Whatever you’re comfortable with, Gi.”
At night, when everyone is asleep, I take what Luke said to heart. I might not be ready to make new friends, but I am ready to do something else.
Typing on my phone, I say a silent prayer that I’m not too late.
Hi, Zoey, I’m really sorry I haven’t been answering your messages. The truth is, I haven’t been doing well in a long time. I have postpartum depression and anxiety. It got so bad that I shut everyone out. I’m getting help now. I hope you can forgive me, but if you can’t, know that I’m really grateful for you. I hope you’re doing well. I miss you.
Since I’m on a roll, I send another text out.
Zach, I’m sorry I’ve been ignoring you. I’ve been dealing with some mental health stuff after the birth. I never thanked you properly for driving me to the hospital that night. I’m still confused and angry about what you did to Andrew, but thank you for everything.