36. Luke
CHAPTER 36
Luke
With me and Bianca needing to talk about what happens next for Becca, Gigi decided that we should spend the night in Kinsdale Springs. Gigi’s mom told me in passing before the funeral that she’d continue to care for my sister, and I know that she loves Becca like her own, but my gut feeling has been all over the place.
Grief does funny things to people, especially when the one being buried is your spouse. I’ve seen firsthand what it did to Dad. We just put him six feet underground, didn’t we? I don’t have the balls to say it to either Gigi or Bianca, but who’s to say Bianca won’t snap? That she won’t leave Kinsdale Springs now that her husband is dead and her biological daughter isn’t even living there anymore? Becca is the only one I have left from my original family and I won’t take my chances.
As I unbutton the sleeves of my dress shirt, I watch Gigi breastfeed the twins. We’re all sleeping in my old room. It’s a little cramped with two Pack ’n Plays in the corner, but I don’t give a shit. A bittersweet feeling washes over me when I realize that this is the first time that me and Gigi will be sleeping on the same bed again.
Gigi puts the twins down gently, swaying and shushing until their tiny bodies hit the mattresses. As she climbs back into the queen-sized bed that she inherited from me when she moved here, I mentally prepare myself for the conversation that we’re about to have. Gigi can’t cower and run away anymore, and I won’t let her. I’m sick and tired of the direction that we’re heading. I’m not an idiot—we’re heading for a divorce if we don’t nip the fucking issues in the bud.
Joining her under the blanket, I make sure to respect her space and leave some distance between us. I don’t want her spooked before we even get started.
“We need to talk.” Her back is facing me, but I know she’s awake. When she doesn’t say anything, I sigh and continue anyway. “I’m worried about what’s next for Becca, but I’m over my dad being dead, Gi. You have no idea. What I’m not over yet is you and me. We need to figure this shit out.” Still radio silence from one of the yappiest girls I know. “At the graveyard, when you said that we all deserved better than you, that really scared me. What did you mean by that?”
“It means I’m a horrible person and I mess everything up for all of you. Especially for you.”
Is she fucking serious?
“You know that’s not true.”
Turning around, her face slowly comes into view as we face each other. “Andrew told me once that you wanted to spend your college years partying.”
I can’t help but snort. Gigi shoots me a warning look and I quickly lift my head up to check whether the sound was too loud to wake Gwen and Ethan up or not. “That was his college plan for me, true.”
“And now you’re spending your senior year being a married father of two kids. All thanks to me. You’re not sure about doing your master’s. All thanks to me. You have zero free time. All thanks to me. You have a sucky marriage. All thanks to me. You didn’t spot Vince relapsing. All thanks to me. You would’ve been better off with some other girl.”
I try my best to school my face so she doesn’t see how appalled I am with her lack of self-confidence. Is this the loop she repeats in her head? Risking rejection, I inch closer to her, closing the gap between us. Gigi doesn’t move away, not that there’s space for her to do that, anyway. It's a queen-sized bed pressed to a wall.
“Do you remember the last time we were here? During summer break?”
I get a weak, “Yes.”
“I told you I loved you for the first time right at this spot. I was sulking because with Andrew being gone, I felt like a consolation prize for you. You calmed me down and got me to open up about the whole Palmer clan.”
“I remember,” she whispers.
“I know how it feels to think you’re not good enough and your life is just a big giant fuckup, Gi,” I say, looking at her straight in the eye. “And I think that’s how it is for you right now. Am I wrong?”
Gigi shakes her head as tears start to pour down her eyes.
“Thanks to you, I have two awesome kids. Way too fucking loud in the morning, but I wouldn’t want them gone, Gi. I don’t need frat parties to be happy, but I do need you to be happy. And you’re not.”
“What if this is the new me? The Mom-me?” she croaks.
I refuse to believe the new version of Gigi just cries, yells, and isolates herself. Being happy was her personality. She used to radiate joy, and that shit doesn’t get snuffed just like that. She’s so much better than this, so much better than me, even when she doesn’t believe it herself right now.
“I think we haven’t met the full version of the Mom-you yet, Gi,” I say with a small smile. “I want to meet her, and I know you do, too.”
Gigi looks around the room, hesitating to say anything. Noises come out from between her lips, only to be swallowed down again.
“I have bad thoughts all the time.”
My spine goes straight. Her voice is barely there, tainted with shame. A whispered confession like some dirty secret.
“Do you want to hurt yourself or the twins?” My heart is thundering so fucking fast I hear the beat in my ears.
“Not like that.” She shakes her head, and my body sags in relief. “But they’ve been getting worse.”
“What are they about?”
“About me. About you. Us. Life.”
“When did they start?” I tuck her in my arm and pull her over to my side of the bed. To my surprise, Gigi rests her head on my chest.
“Midway through the pregnancy, I think.”
“I should’ve been there for you,” I sigh. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but I want you to talk to someone. First thing to do when we get home is look for a good therapist for you. It’s been months, Gi.”
“A lot of the good ones don’t accept insurance, and we don’t have the money. I tried looking for one when things happened…with Andrew. Either you pay for everything out of pocket or it's a co-pay situation.”
And another round of guilt serum is injected into my bloodstream.
“We have the money from the house sale.”
“That’s for you, Becca, Ethan, and Gwen. I’m not going to use that money, Luke.”
Even at her lowest, the girl is still stubborn as hell. “You will. I can’t lose you, Gi,” I rasp, feeling the sting behind my eyes. “So, please, will you go?”
I refuse to let her drown like Andrew. The twins need her. Becca is going to need her. Her mom needs her. I need her.
“I will,” she finally relents.
“I love you, Giuliana.”
“I love you, Lucas.”
Just as I’m about to drift off, the sound of someone knocking on the door jolts me awake. I gently untangle myself from a sleeping Gigi and put on a pair of sweatpants.
“Bianca.” My eyes squint, adjusting to the light illuminating the hallway. “What do you need?”
Gigi’s mom looks at me with her lips pursed. She taps her phone screen against her palm over and over again as if she’s trying to calm herself down with the motion. “Your Aunt Judith and Uncle Mike said they would like to take Becca in.”
“What the fuck?” I whisper-yell.
I close the door to the bedroom shut so that the twins don’t wake up. As I’m about to slide my bare feet into my sneakers, fully intending to drive to Marble Crest and give those two vultures a piece of my fucking mind, Bianca places a hand on my shoulder.
“Don’t be impulsive, Luke.”
“I thought we were going to discuss this, Bianca.” Christ, fuck. “Why would you talk to them behind my back? They’re so messed up their son felt the need to kill himself. Is that what you want for Becca?”
“They called me. Just now. Not the other way around. And no, I don’t intend on letting them be legal guardians to her, but you need to play this smart, honey. Your uncle and aunt might sue for custody.”
And they would probably get it.
“So what do you suggest I do?”
Bianca smiles, but it misses the calming effect I think it intends to have. “Look, it’s not an overnight process. And if any social worker comes knocking down the door in the next few days, I’ll tell them that she’ll be staying with me for the foreseeable future. In the meantime, we need to come up with a solid plan.”
“Thank you,” is all I can say. Gigi’s mom might be the only functional parent the Palmer family has ever since the fire.
“I’d do anything for you kids, Luke.” She cups my cheek. This one lightens the weight on my shoulders. “Now go back upstairs and take care of mine.”