Thirteen
This isn’t the first time Ben turned into someone I hate. I’m sure it won’t be the last either, but he always manages to make up for it. He’s somehow able to sense when I’m mad at him, even when I don’t say a word. To him, perhaps it’s my silence that speaks volumes.
When he first got together with Alice, I dodged all his texts until he tracked me down outside my last class of the day. “Are you avoiding me?” He’d asked in that wry way of his, with a half smile to ease the sting. I’d made up some excuse about being busy, but instead of calling me on it he escorted me to the food court and bought me an early dinner. We spent hours talking and he didn’t mention Alice’s name once, almost like he knew it was a sore point for me. When he walked me to my car, he made me laugh until I forgot why I was mad at him in the first place.
It wasn’t that he’d started dating other people that made me angry, not really. That was inevitable. I think I just wanted a reason to hate him—needed one, more like—to start the process of moving on. To escape him, not that he’s ever once let me.
On Friday afternoon, I get a text from Ben that threatens to freeze me over. I’m stationed at the circulation desk at work and unable to freak out the way I want to, not that there are many people inside the library to see me. Just plenty of security cameras. I type out a reply, and then erase every word. Choking down a groan, I reread his message and rack my brain for any possible way out of this.
Talked Theo into letting me go to Dallas with y’all. Hope that’s okay.
It is most certainly not okay, but I can’t think of a way to tell him as much without raising his suspicion. If I’m anywhere near as obvious as Theo was at brunch, there’s no way he won’t find out I have feelings for Ben. I’m bound to give something away during a four-and-a-half-hour drive in cramped quarters. I don’t even know what my tells are.
Do I laugh too hard at his jokes? Are they even funny and I just can’t tell because my feelings blind me to the truth of his awful sense of humor? Does my stare linger for a little too long? Do my hands tremble in his presence?
When I’m freed from desk duty by one of the library assistants, I walk into the back and plop down onto a seat in front of Angela’s workstation. She looks up from her computer monitor with a raised brow.
“Can you tell when I lie?”
“Talk about a loaded question.” She laughs, a great guffaw straight from her diaphragm. When I scowl, her expression turns sheepish. “Can we talk about this brilliant idea I got for the book club first?”
My brows raise of their own accord, even as my mind is still spinning from Ben’s latest text. But I relent, hoping work will be a good distraction for the moment.
“Go on. And then return to my last question when you’re done.”
“Okay.” She turns around in her chair, the wheels rattling with her movement. “The day we meet for the book club discussion, we should cosplay as our favorite YA characters.”
I let out a gasp, and then reach out and grip her shoulders. “Angela, you are brilliant.” She squeals her excitement. “Should we tell readers to dress up, too?” I ask. “The event is in two weeks, do you think that’s enough time?”
“I was actually thinking it should just be us this first time,” Angela says. “And then we encourage them to dress up next time, that way they have plenty of time to plan and prepare.”
“Good point.” I nod thoughtfully. “Now I have to come up with a costume.”
“Right, yes. Think about that, instead of—” She cuts off as I narrow my eyes at her, suddenly remembering why I came to her in the first place. “Goddammit.”
I tell her about Ben’s plan to join Theo and me on our trip to Dallas, and she winces in sympathy. Then I almost tell her about the bar kiss that led to… more kissing. I’m not sure what holds me back since she’s the one who told me I needed a rebound in the first place. She’s the person I go to for all my boy problems. Despite never having been in a relationship (or
perhaps because of it), she gives excellent advice. There’s something about getting your dating advice from an impartial source that puts things into perspective.
Only, Theo isn’t some random guy off the street. He’s Ben’s brother. I’m in the middle of the CW’s most overused subplot—a familial love triangle. At the very least, I can count my blessings I don’t have a sibling of my own to add to the plot. Although my best friend would undoubtedly know what I should do in this situation, she also won’t hold back her opinion. Angela is my best friend, and I know she cares about me. But I’m terrified of the shame that’ll come with the admission of what I’m doing with Theo.
So, for now, I hold out on her.
When she’s sufficiently brought up to speed, give or take a few minor details, I return to the question at hand. “What do I give away when I’m around Ben?”
“Does it really matter if Theo finds out you like his brother? He’s in the same situation, just reversed, after all.” My expression doesn’t change. When I don’t answer, she heaves a sigh and relents. “Well, sometimes you fidget a lot. Especially if Alice is around. You get this guilty look on your face every time she looks you in the eye.”
“Great. Love that my feelings are always written on my face.” I shake my head. “Anything else?”
“Well…” Her lips purse, eyes shifting away from my face. I straighten in my chair at her expression, leaning forward as if to shake the hesitation out of her.
“What?” I ask her. “It has to be bad if you’re looking at me like that.”
“Don’t hate me.” My back is ramrod straight at attention. “It’s maybe not a tell, more of an observation, but I’ve noticed that you’re more likely to do something if Ben tells you to do it.”
My mouth opens as if to speak. When nothing comes out, I force myself to close it.
“You dumped Chris the day after he said you should,” she reminds me. “You go to every restaurant he recommends and watch everything he says is good on Netflix. Yeah, yeah, you can say it’s because you guys have the same taste,” she adds when I open my mouth to interrupt, defenses kicking into overdrive. Every word out of her mouth is a direct punch to the gut. “But what about the time you took him to Biryani Pot and he complained that the food was too spicy? You love that restaurant, but you haven’t eaten Indian food since.”
I cross my arms over my chest. She’s got me there. “Okay, I agree with him too much. Noted.”
But I didn’t agree with him at all last night, when he warned me about his brother. I may jump to answer his every request, but I threw my phone across the room when he called last night.
“Has it ever been… obvious?” As much as it pains me to ask this question, it’s one I should’ve asked Angela a long time ago. But I’ve never been able to face the shame that comes with asking that question, because it’s almost worse than admitting I have feelings for a taken man. “You know, that I…” I wince before the question can fully form in my mind. But Angela’s eyes soften at my expression.
“No one else knows, if that’s what you’re worried about,” she tells me. “I’ve talked to Alice and Christine loads of times, together and apart. They’ve never shown signs of knowing, or even so much as brought it up as a joke. You’re in the clear.”
I give a jerky nod. “Thanks.”
“Anytime. You know I’ve got your back.”
We take Ben’s car.
He pulls up outside my apartment building and gets out to greet me. I try not to linger when he hugs me, pulling away from him quickly. Ben leads me to the passenger side with a hand on the small of my back. Goosebumps break out on my skin, and I rub my arms hoping no one notices. After my conversation with Angela, even though she told me no one suspects a thing, I’m more paranoid than ever about other people finding out about my feelings. Ben crosses in front of me to hold the door open. I’m well aware that sitting in the front seat beside him probably isn’t the greatest idea, but I panic at the last second and go where I’m led.
We’re all silent as Ben turns onto the road—the only sound comes from the radio blaring some top-forty hit I don’t recognize. I won’t be able to take four and a half hours of this, so to break the tension I ask, “What was it like growing up together?”
Ben is very different from his brother. Nothing really fazes him, which is part of the reason I’m still so surprised that he’s trying so hard to keep me away from his brother. He doesn’t open up to most people, but he’s open with me. Or at least, he used to be. We both used to be.
Theo, for all his scary height and physical muscle, is much more of an open book. I never would’ve guessed, after the first time we met in Ben’s old apartment. Those two versions I saw of him couldn’t be further apart, but so far, I’ve found that I don’t have to work hard to get the answers I want from him. I just have to ask.
“A lot of competition,” Ben says with a strained smile. “But I always lost, didn’t I, bro?”
“Only cuz I got dad’s genes. You never had a chance.” I laugh at this. Ben is a good half foot shorter than his brother, and much leaner in build. Their father is on the stockier side, and an imposing six feet tall.
The words are light enough, but they clearly land like a physical blow on Ben’s chest. His face falls as he looks out at the road. I almost feel bad for him, but something stops me from fully empathizing with him. I know what it’s like to be overlooked. To continuously stand in the shadow of a better choice. Despite knowing what that feels like too, Ben did it to me anyway. Maybe he didn’t realize that’s what he did, but it doesn’t matter.
“So,” Ben finally says. “How did this happen?” He gestures between the two of us with a pointer finger. “You guys are like, the least likely pairing I could’ve imagined.”
I resist rolling my eyes hard, but Theo gulps from behind me. His leg shakes against the back of my seat so hard I start to feel queasy. “Um.” Ben looks over at me, hazel eyes assessing as I work to get our story straight.
“That was all me,” I finally say, turning to Theo with a googly-eyed expression that I make sure his brother catches. “I pounced on him at the engagement party.”
“You?” Ben asks, the surprise clear in his tone. “Really?” Surprise quickly bleeds into disbelief, his eyes narrowing as he looks over at me again.
“Yup.” I twist in my seat to place a hand on Theo’s thigh, looking back at Ben as if daring him to contradict me. My brows raise in challenge, and I smirk slightly when his mouth falls open. A rush of satisfaction floods over me at having surprised Ben. “I may have had a few too many mojitos. Can’t imagine I would’ve had the audacity to think I stood a chance with him otherwise.” I force a self-deprecating giggle into my hand. “Plus, have you even seen your brother?” I sigh dreamily as I turn to Theo, googly eyes on level one thousand.
Part of me fears I’m overselling it, but if I am, it’s only because Theo is frozen with panic. But the panic in his eyes softens at whatever lovestruck expression must be on my face. His hand closes over mine, squeezing.
“You’re not too bad yourself,” he finally says, cheeks reddening. He can’t quite meet my eyes.
“Come on, you can do better than that,” I tease, with the confidence I’ve never had around a guy I was actually dating. When I slap at his leg, he takes my hand again and intertwines our fingers. I resist a shiver when his thumb slides up my palm, stroking.
This doesn’t feel like pretending.
His lashes lower until he’s looking at me through hooded eyes, the corner of his mouth lifting into a wicked grin. He leans in until his lips hover right over my ear, his breath warm on my already-flushed skin.
“You’re beautiful.” The words are a whisper, but I catch Ben’s expression from the corner of my eye as soon as they’re uttered. His eyes dart away from us immediately, like he just walked in on an intimate moment he’d rather not have seen. His hands grip the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles turn white. He heard his brother loud and clear.
I plant a kiss on Theo’s mouth, and even though Ben doesn’t see it, there’s no mistaking the loud muah our lips make for anything else. Before I can pull away, Theo’s hand settles on the back of my neck, pinning me in place. When he kisses me again, it’s so indecent I forget where we are entirely. His tongue slides against mine, stroking in a way that makes me shiver. Ben has to clear his throat three times before we finally pull away from each other.
After a quick lunch at a fast-food joint, we arrive at Theo’s old apartment, where he takes one final sweep of the place. When he steps into his bedroom, Ben pulls on my arm. I have no choice but to follow him forward as he opens the door to the balcony.
“Ow.” I rub my arm where he grabbed me. What the hell has gotten into him?
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he says, placing a gentle hand over the red spot on my upper arm. “But I need to talk to you.”
“About what?” I feign innocence, crossing my arms over my chest.
The look he gives me sends chills down my back.
“You and Theo?” His voice is cutting. “Really?”
I roll my eyes, looking away from him. “Get over it, Ben.”
“I can’t. Marcela, he’s my brother. I’ve known him my whole life, and things never end well for the women he dates.”
Maybe if Theo and I were actually dating, I’d be more attentive to Ben’s warning. After all, that’s what Angela seems to think I always do. And as much as I hate to admit it, she’s right. I’m always quick to listen to him before anyone else. Before myself, even. While I have to own up to my part, he’s also part of the reason most of my relationships have failed. I’m starting to see that more clearly now, maybe because there are no romantic feelings whatsoever between Theo and me. We both know what we are, so there’s no reason I need to be worried about him.
Of course, I can’t tell Ben any of that.
“You know I’ve always had your best interests at heart. Don’t you trust me?” There’s that soft tone I’ve never been able to deny. “You have to stop seeing him.”
I look up, gauging his seriousness. He has his hands on his hips, head hanging like a disappointed father. When he looks at me, his eyes are narrowed to angry slits. My mouth hangs open as I realize he’s more than serious. He actually thinks he has a right to tell me to do such a thing, and even worse, that I’ll listen to him.
Because I always have.
“You can’t be serious.” I shake my head. Then I scoff. How have I never seen it before? “Ben. You can’t—”
Theo opens the door suddenly, interrupting me before I can tell Ben off. I already had the perfect response ready in my head. You can’t order me around like I’m yours to control. You can’t tell me who to date if you won’t date me yourself. My mouth snaps shut. Maybe it’s better that Theo interrupted when he did. He looks between us with furrowed brows, until his eyes land on me and stay there. His eyes travel over my face for some sign of what’s wrong. I try to put on a neutral expression, but I’m not sure it works. Theo’s eyes seem to ask me what’s wrong, but all I give is a tired shrug.
“Everything okay out here?” Theo asks us, finally facing his brother.
Ben doesn’t say anything. He shoves past his brother, letting out a grunt as he passes. My eyes shutter closed. The back of my head throbs suddenly with an incoming headache. When I tell Theo I’m fine, he doesn’t look convinced but he also doesn’t press me on it.
Luckily, it doesn’t take much longer for Theo to finish packing up. When he does, I follow him out to the parking lot, where Ben is waiting for us, looking sulky with his arms crossed. We decide that Ben will drive back by himself and I’ll ride with Theo. I take it he’s had enough of our overt displays of affection for one day.
His car pulls out of the lot with rushed, jerky movements, like he can’t get out of here fast enough. Theo’s gaze warms my back, but I can’t stop replaying his brother’s words in my head.
Stop seeing him. Stop seeing him. Stop seeing him.
When Theo asks me if I’m ready to go, I have to shut my eyes against the concern brimming in his.
“Yeah,” I finally say. “Let’s get out of here.”