Chapter 42
CHAPTER FORTY-TWO
It was back to earth with a bump on Monday. Felicity trundled to work with her head in a fog. She was exhausted, for a start. It had been a while since she had been that… um… active.
And now she had a – what was he, exactly? A partner? Too grown-up. A boyfriend? Too childish. A lover? Too eighteenth century. Whatever he was, she was down with it. After years of abject misery interspersed only rarely by the odd day of joy (usually the result of kitten cuddles rather than actual human interaction) her heart felt so light, as if at any moment it might float away out of the top of her head like a helium balloon. She felt as though finally, finally , someone had pressed play on the film of her life, after years of being caught, frozen in time, while everyone else passed her by. Now it’s my turn .
There were some niggles, of course. You didn’t go through as much pain as Felicity had in her life without learning to be incredibly mistrustful of happiness or anyone who seems to promise it, or even anything pertaining to the possibility of happiness at some point in the future. For a start, James worked for the government. It made some sense. No wonder he hadn’t exactly been forthcoming in explaining his job. And it was a teensy bit thrilling, if she was honest. He was defending the country. With computers, not with a handgun or secret poison pens, right enough, but still. And yet there was a piece of the puzzle missing. How had he managed to get the time off to help at Animal Saviours, for example? Surely someone with a job like his couldn’t just take a couple of weeks off to look after cats and dogs?
She made a mental note to ask him. They had been a little busy the previous day, Felicity thought, the pale skin on her neck betraying her as usual as it flushed bright red.
‘What on earth happened to you?’ said Andrea as she caught Felicity at the sink, lost in this reverie. ‘Or should I say, who?’
‘I don’t know what you mean,’ said Felicity, firmly.
‘Well put it this way. If I come back in half an hour,’ said Andrea, ‘will you still be washing that same bowl up?’
Felicity stared at the yellow cat bowl in her hands. How long had she been washing it for? She had no idea.
She turned then, suds dripping on the floor, her face shining.
‘I had a date with Penguin Man,’ she said. ‘A proper one this time.’
‘I figured as much,’ said Andrea, with a grin. ‘Tell me everything.’
Andrea, it turned out, knew a little bit more than she had been letting on.
For example, annoyingly, she already knew what James did for a living. And she knew why he had come to the shelter. Other than to spend time with Felicity that is. He had explained that he was on sabbatical. That he had had a dreadful experience at work and that they had encouraged him to take some time off.
‘That doesn’t make any sense,’ said Felicity. ‘He told me he was a programmer, essentially. Unless he’s lied about that too.’
‘I don’t know any more than that.’ Andrea shrugged. ‘Honestly, I don’t,’ she added when she caught Felicity’s sharp look. ‘Why don’t you just ask him?’
‘I’m sure he’ll tell me when he’s ready,’ she said, but her heart constricted with worry. Is he still lying?
They had arranged to meet the following weekend and although she was desperate to see him again there was a small whisper of warning deep, deep down inside where only the cobwebs live.
The next session with Hattie was rather dominated by a certain blond man.
‘Your eyes are shining,’ said the therapist as Felicity dropped into the orange chair and crossed her legs. ‘And you look a lot more relaxed than last week.’
‘Do I?’ said Felicity and yet again that telltale blush crept up her chest and over her face. ‘I can’t imagine why that might be.’
Hattie raised a sceptical eyebrow.
‘I’ve had an… interesting week,’ she said.
‘Do you want to tell me about it?’ said Hattie. ‘Or would you like to talk a bit more about your family, perhaps?’
‘Well… I messaged Tristan,’ said Felicity. ‘My brother.’
It sounds strange to say that out loud.
‘Oh, that’s wonderful,’ said Hattie. ‘How did it go?’
‘Slowly. I messaged him on Facebook and he replied… eventually. He’s still an absolute pain in the arse, and makes me wait for like days and days before he’ll even reply but… it was good to hear from him.’
Hattie nodded.
‘It’s strange. There’s so much to catch up on that I don’t think either of us knows where to start. I’ve got the basics out of him. He’s got a partner and it seems to be going okay for once, I think. He seems happy, I guess, as much as I could tell by the messages anyway. Of course, he patently doesn’t want to talk about what happened. You know, why he left.’
‘I’m sure he will in time.’
‘I hope so.’
‘Do you think you might meet up?’
Felicity took a moment to think. What would it be like to come face to face with her brother after all this time?
‘I don’t know yet.’
It was the truth.
‘Good. Well, good progress. What else would you like to talk about this week, Felicity?’
What else could she talk about but Penguin Man?
She took a deep breath and told Hattie the whole story. Well, saga really. She didn’t mention Adam though. Too complicated, somehow.
‘And what is it that attracts you to James?’ said Hattie when she had finished.
That was a good question.
‘Wait. You’re not going to tell me it’s because I’ve got daddy issues, are you? Because I think it’s a bit more complicated than that.’
‘Of course it is. It’s always more complicated than that,’ said Hattie, with a sympathetic smile.
‘I mean, he’s very capable. And kind. And he has a grown-up job. He feels like a grown-up all round, to be honest with you. Isn’t it funny how some people seem like grown-ups even when they are the same age as you? And others…’ She tailed off when she noticed Hattie peering at her over her glasses. ‘Sorry. I know, I’m dodging the question.’
‘Somewhat.’
‘Hmm. Okay. So, what is it about him?’ Felicity was stalling for time.
‘You said he was kind. That’s a good start,’ prompted Hattie.
‘He seems kind. But me being me I’m still not sure whether he’s real or not. You know? He’s way too good to be true. And you should see him with the kittens, he’s never really been around animals but he’s so gentle with them and they just seem to take to him. I always think animals are a great judge of character, don’t you?’
Her therapist nodded sagely. ‘Let’s see. He’s kind, he’s good with animals. He’s attractive?’
‘Oh yes,’ said Felicity, rather quickly. She paused. ‘But that’s not it.’
‘Not what?’
‘That’s not why I really like him,’ said Felicity, and suddenly she knew the answer. ‘When I’m with him, I don’t want to run away and hide. He makes me feel calm and like I can trust him and I’m… I’m not used to that.’
‘Which for you is…?’ said Hattie gently.
Felicity nodded, swallowing the lump in her throat. ‘It’s a big deal. Yes. Since everything that happened with Adam, he’s the first man I… well it’s the first time in ages I’ve really trusted anyone. Recently, anyway…’
Hattie waited.
‘So yes, it’s a really big deal for me. I wasn’t sure I would ever find someone who could make me feel like that again. These days I’m so used to getting on with my job, you know? Getting my head down and not having to think.’
‘Is it just about not having to think? Or could it be more than that in some way?’
Felicity thought for a moment.
‘I guess it’s more than that. It’s about not, well, not engaging I suppose, in some way. It’s easier to hide, isn’t it? But when I’m with James… if I really concentrate, I can imagine having a life outside of the centre. I can imagine doing couply type things, you know, like normal people do, and I don’t feel like my heart is about to be ripped out any minute.’
Felicity paused.
‘And what about when you’re not with him?’ asked Hattie.
‘Oh, when I’m not with him, that’s a different matter. When I’m not with him, then I absolutely think everything is going to end up in flames and fire. Even today I’ve already decided he’s lied to me about ten or eleven vitally important things.’
Hattie wrinkled her brow. ‘Why is that, Felicity, do you think? Why might you be catastrophising this relationship already? What I mean by that is, foreseeing the worst possible outcome?’
‘That’s a great word.’
‘Thank you.’
‘Why am I catastrophising this?’ Felicity rolled the word around in her head as she thought. Then suddenly: ‘Because I don’t deserve to be happy.’ The words were out before she could filter them. ‘Or that’s what life has taught me so far. When things are going well, something is always just around the corner, about to bugger everything up.’
‘Can you give me an example?’
‘I… yes. I could give you about fifty, I reckon.’
Hattie pursed her lips. ‘Well, let’s start with one. You mentioned someone called Adam earlier. Who is Adam?’ said Hattie, crossing her legs and leaning back in her chair.
‘Ah… ’ said Felicity. ‘Now there’s a good example right there.’