Chapter 42
The next few meetings are tense. I don’t know if it’s Nykiri’s return, or the fact that we are less than a week from solstice, but I bundle up next to the cold draft from the window, trying to be as quiet as possible as I scratch new lines onto maps.
Karns slashes down ideas, wielding his tongue like a knife.
Nykiri is prickly with not just me, but everyone.
She can be as snippy as she wants, but it’s Dashol’s growing frown that bothers me.
He usually tries to keep the mood up, but he’s not hiding his concern.
And Alaris is only getting quieter. Today, he’s at the window, the set of his brow serious in the frosted light. I don’t think he’s even breathing, as Karns and Dashol talk in circles behind him.
I return my attention to the map pulled from the feathered handbag of the most recent informant.
It’s of a private garden at the back of the Central Palace.
Just like with the wagons, I know this garden from a party I attended in my earliest life.
I explored a lot more in those months, attending events and sneaking alcohol.
I was trying to soothe that uncomfortable grip in my chest that just wouldn’t loosen.
Even in that life, I knew something bad was coming.
My pen stills.
My premonitions were never premonitions…they were memories of what happened to me before.
If that was really my first life, if I’d never died before, why did I wake up afraid?
I didn’t think of it as fear at the time, but now I recognize it.
I went from acting normal on my twenty-first birthday to a drunken mess in a matter of months.
It wasn’t as strong as it was in this life, which sent me over the balcony and straight to the river.
Or the life in the tower, when I begged for help, then ran.
Or the life when I flirted with lords, trying to convince them to take me away.
But under the wine, it was still there.
If I lived an earlier life, I was probably at the palace through winter. I might have seen another version of the coup. I might be able to tell Alaris what worked, or what didn’t.
I spend the rest of the meeting spinning at the dizzying edge of memories, sampling that anxious feeling, separating it from the buzz and illness of overindulgence.
The more I dwell on it, the more sure I am: something in me already knew.
I sidle up to Alaris at the window as soon as the meeting is done. “Can we talk tonight?”
He takes a moment to respond, turning to me as if noticing me for the first time. “What was that?”
His faraway expression concerns me more than it should. He is nothing if not focused, confident, and present at all times.
He must be really worried. It steels my nerves. “I need to talk to you tonight. It’s important.”
He nods. “I will be late, but I’ll come.”
I pace the room that night, determined not to fall asleep before he arrives. I already spent all day reviewing what I have to say, and I don’t want to work up the courage to try again tomorrow. He has to listen.
He has to.
I pace until I hear his steps in the corridor. As soon as the door opens, my attention zeros in.
“Sorry to keep you waiting,” he says, shedding his jacket. His eyes flick over me. “What dangerous thoughts have you been stewing on, Ly?”
“I realized something important.” I twist my fingers in front of my stomach. “About the life when I learned about the wagons and feathers.”
“Did you remember something else from that time?”
I shake my head. “But I think I have a way I can get more information.”
His brow lifts. He sets his jacket over a chair and leans on the back. “Go on.”
“I’ve been thinking of the life when I was thrown from the balcony as the first. My first time living those months. My first death. But if that was my first, why did I wake up after my birthday afraid?”
“Were you afraid?”
“I didn’t think of it that way at the time, but yes.” I take a deep breath. “That’s why…I want to use the oraculi again.”
His expression darkens. “No.”
“There has to be at least one earlier life, Alaris. One previous time when I lived, and died, that told me what was coming.” I start pacing again.
“An earlier me would have likely stayed at the palace. I would have been there through winter. If I was in a different room or wing, I might have seen exactly what happens…”
“Or you could have been across the complex and not seen a single thing.”
“It’s worth it to try.”
“It’s not.” His voice is low and rough. “I’m not going to risk your life for another map, Ly.”
“They are my memories. It’s my power. And I’m better prepared this time…”
“Are your siblings immune to fire?” He pushes off the chair and stalks toward me. “Or does their flesh singe and burn just as readily as anyone else’s? If you aren’t in control of your power, it can still kill you.”
I open my mouth.
“You didn’t even wield it on your own,” he continues. “You used Sophiri’s power to rip your mind open. You think you were in control? I was the one watching you. You weren’t here. You were gone.”
Worry shines through his eyes. It only echoes how I feel for him.
I straighten my back. “Are you going to wait until next year to try to stop the wither? Or are you going to charge straight to the heart of the palace, even if there is no safe route? You, Alaris. Not your soldiers. You.”
“I’m the only one who can end it.”
“Then let me do what only I can do.” I open my hands. “Let me try to give you the best chance possible.”
He grits his teeth. “I’m the one who is going to find you not breathing. I’m the one who is going to have to keep vigil.”
I swallow. “I’m not asking you to do that. One of the healers can stay with me, behind the wards…”
“You’ll never have to ask, because you’re not going to do that to yourself again.”
“This isn’t about me.” But it is about him.
I can’t let solstice come and see Alaris ride off to attack the Citadel.
I can’t repeat that week in the basement, waiting to find out if he’ll ever return.
I can’t. I won’t. “Solstice is coming, and you don’t have a way in. I can either sit back, or I can…”
“What? Die?” he growls, stepping even closer. “Fall into a sleep you never wake up from? Destroy your mind so you become a vacant shell? Why would I allow that?”
At those words, my lip curls. “You don’t have to allow it.” I step forward too. “I’m doing this, Alaris. I’m not asking for your permission.”
He smirks, infuriating and gorgeous. “But you need my permission. My oraculi, my call.”
Hot anger flashes through me. “Your call?”
“Mine.”
I consider yelling, screaming, begging him, but instead, I settle into a smirk of my own. “Then I guess I have no choice.”
His eyes flick to my mouth. “No choice in what?”
“I’ll have to get one myself.” I step closer. “I think I need to remind you I’m an excellent thief.”
His gaze darkens, and he bends over me, until there isn’t even a breath between our mouths. “And I think I need to remind you what I do with thieves.”
Defiance is burning in my blood, along with something else. My gaze sticks to his full lower lip. I want to lick it. I want to bite it.
My skin buzzes. When I find words again, they come out softly: “Remind me.”
One of his hands whips around my waist, pulling me to him, and I gasp. His grip is firm, and my heartbeat explodes. My breasts press into his chest, every point of contact between us lighting me on fire.
His eyes flood silver, but his tone is calm. “Tell me you won’t try to take one from me.”
“Now you’re just asking me to lie.”
A single line cuts between his brows. “All this time, I have waited for you to tell me what you want. To demand it of the world—”
“Give me an oraculi and send a healer to my bedside.”
“—but not this.”
I lift my chin. “Then I know what I have to do.”
He walks me backward, until my calves hit the edge of my bed. The crystal at his ear swings forward as he arches over me. His other hand slides down and grips my ass through my skirt, spreading me in a way that teases my center.
“Keep testing me, Ly.” His hand flexes. “And I’ll treat you like a thief.”
I can’t take my eyes off his mouth. Mine is burning, burning to kiss him, to feel his tongue. His grasp adjusts closer to my core, sending a pulse through me. I clutch his collar. I’m throbbing where his hold tugs on my skin. Slickness spreads to my thighs beneath my skirt.
I’m so ready for more of what I started when I took the voidstone, ready to fall backward onto this bed and have him touch me.
His eyes flare bright, solid silver. They’re so beautiful, I lift a hand and graze it along his cheek.
He inhales deeply and closes his eyes. His jaw tightens.
“Alaris…”
In a crack of shadow, my arms are empty, and I fall back onto the bed. He appears outside the curtain, thick velvet bunched in his fist.
I blink a few times, the distance a loss my whole body screams at.
“Hide away. Rage at me. Do whatever you like. But I won’t let you meddle in your mind in the hopes of uncovering something useful. And if that makes you hate me, I’ll live with it. Because you’ll live too. Goodnight, Ly.”
He throws the velvet shut between us.
I gape at the blue fabric, still panting. I almost call out to him but bite it back just in time.
I consider screaming. Running out. Running away. Demanding he listen, demanding he finish what he started. I’m so turned on and humiliated. And furious.
My center throbs, my lips and flushed skin still aching for his touch.
I drag a shuddering breath in through my teeth and let it out slowly.
I’ll show him a thief.