12. Mason
This summer went by way too fast. As someone whose summers have always been about practicing with minimal days off, this year was a welcome change. I feel well rested. More well rested than I ever have before. I owe it all to the girl who completely has my heart.
The month Kamryn and I spent at the beach house is my favorite memory throughout my time in college. We laughed. We made love. We fell deeper in love than I thought possible. That month with her solidified my thought that I could seriously see myself marrying her. I know the revelation is fast, but she brings out a side of me I never knew existed.
When our beach house bubble burst, we spent the next few weeks with my parents. Celebrating the fourth of July and taking Kamryn to my old high school, before she went back home for the last couple weeks of summer. My summer isn’t as long as hers and I had to get back early for practice and training. It’s my senior year and a lot is riding on me now.
Going pro was never the goal. But somehow, someway, this game became something more than a game. And as cheesy as it sounds, playing on a national stage sounds more intriguing every day.
While on break, I received an email from my coach. Him emailing me is nothing new. It’s how he prefers to communicate. As soon as I finish unpacking what I can I head to his office. So that’s where I am now.
I knock three times on my coach’s office door.
He looks up at the knock. “Ah. Come in Mason. Close the door please.”
I do as he says and make my way to a chair in front of his desk.
You know those moments when everything is smooth sailing in your life? You have everything. But you also have this sense of foreboding that you can’t shake no matter what. For some reason I feel that now. And it’s not a good feeling to have.
“How was your summer?” he asks by way of casual small talk.
Coach and I have always had an easy relationship. When I got scouted to play here, I did all of my research and discovered he won two national championships with his alma mater. I knew I was in good hands when I came to this school. This football program specifically. When I managed to join a fraternity, he pulled me aside and said it was good having a brother on the team. His statement stopped me, until he showed me his ring with the same crest as the one I now bore.
“It was good. I did some traveling and some relaxing.”
“That’s good…good. I wanted to talk to you about this season. I know that when you were in talks about getting drafted, you wanted to graduate first. And I 100% backed you up on that. But now that it’s your senior year, I need your focus 100% on football. No distractions.”
Do you remember that sense of foreboding? My skin prickles with goosebumps. “Distractions? What do you mean by distractions? Don’t beat around the bush. What are you getting at coach?”
“Your girlfriend.”
“What about her? She’s been good for me. I haven’t gone out like I used to, I’ve been to all the conditionings that were optional. Again, what about her?”
“I need you to be completely dedicated to the game. And I can’t have my number one prospect for the draft distracted because of some girl that he’s dating.”
“I am 100% dedicated to this game. You know that. When have I been distracted? She’s not just some girl.” Now he’s really pissing me off.
“End it. Or else your dreams of playing in the NFL can disappear.”
I look over his shoulder at the practice field. Anger running through my veins. “Coach, for the longest time I used to look up to you. Idolize you as a brother if that’s what you want to hear. Not anymore. If you want to start working on a new QB for this season go ahead. I’ll walk out on this team right now if that’s what you’re getting at. But I’d take back everything you just said. I refuse to put a game that’s only temporary ahead of something that has a chance to be permanent. If you want me as your QB you will not threaten my future, whether it be my professional or personal future.” I don’t wait for him to respond. Instead I jump out of the chair I was in and yank open his office door. Slamming it closed in my exit.
Is he serious? When has an NFL draft prospect ever broken things off with their girlfriend because their coach wanted them to?
Dump Kamryn? She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Statistically, my game has gotten better since we’ve been together. Yeah I slacked off and performed like a middle schooler when we first started dating. But I worked through it. The team still won games. I led them to the National Championship for crying out loud. She pushes me to do the optional workouts, she encourages me to hang out with the team when I’d rather spend time with her. Neither of us would survive a break up.
I’m walking around campus and looking at places that have meaning to me like I’m already leaving. Do I want to play in the NFL? What college football player doesn’t dream of it? But it was never my plan though. Football was never part of that plan. Coach knew that when he was scouting me back in high school. But do I have to give up the one girl who finally reminded me how to breathe to have that?
I pull out my phone to call my mom. And she answers on the first ring.
“Hey, baby boy.”
“Hey, mama.”
“How are you? And how’s Kamryn? Do you know when she’ll be back to school?”
My parents and siblings love Kamryn. Honestly, what’s not to love?
“She’s good. She’s driving down tomorrow. And going to use the few days before school starts to get back in the swing of things.”
“That’s good. Now you know I love you. But I also know you didn’t call me just as a courtesy. Tell me what’s up,” she’s never one to beat around the bush.
Taking a cleansing breath before I explode, I recap the conversation with her. “Coach asked me to his office to talk about the draft. He also said that this season he needs me 100% dedicated, which I already am. Football is everything to me. But he also said for me to do that, I have to end things with Kamryn or he’ll make sure I don’t get drafted.” I leave out the part of me threatening to quit because she doesn’t need to know that.
My mom gasps at that last part. “Well I know none of that was ethical. And threatening you in no way is acceptable. He could lose his job for that if it ever gets out. But I have no doubt that the man is completely serious. You and Kamryn love each other. Maybe when the dust settles and you get a few years under your belt you two can find each other again.”
“Are you really suggesting that I break up with her? I’ll be so distracted that scouts won’t even consider me. Has anyone thought about what I want? Y’all are always trying to lead me in the right direction. But when I finally have something that I want forever, I can’t have it.” I’m having a tough time controlling my emotions. Give up the woman I love for a game that I’ll maybe get ten years out of if I’m lucky. And that doesn’t even include injuries. What’s ten years with a game versus a lifetime with the one I love?
“I’m not saying do that before or during the season. After. I love Kamryn like another daughter and so does your dad, brothers, and your sister. She challenges you and pushes you to be a better man. And I have seen that change in you. But if the love that you two have is real, then I have no doubt that Kamryn will be more than understanding.”
I choke down my emotions. “But what if she doesn’t? What if this breaks her and I so badly that neither of us can recover? What then?”
“Oh honey. I can’t answer that for you. Only you can. Focus on the two of you for now. Love her. Cherish her. And when the time comes, look her in the eye and tell her that it’s for your future and possibly both of y’all’s future. I wish I could be there with you. Just know that I love you and your father and I aren’t going anywhere.”
“I know. I love you too. Bye, Mom.”
“Bye, sweetheart.”
If this isn’t a fantastic end to the summer. I can’t do it. If I have to make good on my threat to quit the team now, then I will. Football is temporary, I know that. But a love like what Kamryn and I have could be forever. I feel it in my bones.
“Hey baby! I’m about ten minutes out,” her voice sounds far away, but I know it’s because she’s talking through Bluetooth.
“Want me to help you move your stuff in?”
“Pretty please with me on top?” she begs.
She gets a chuckle out of me, “Of course. I’ll see you in a bit. I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I told the coach this morning that if he wanted me to break up with Kamryn, then it would have to be after the season ended or I quit. He wasn’t pleased at what I said, but when I told him that if I broke up with her before the season started then I’d be uncommitted to the game and unfocused. That his chance of winning the National Championship would be shot. That sobered him up and he agreed. His reputation also wouldn’t survive if word got out that I quit and why.
I still haven’t had time to process everything that he wants from me. Break up with my girlfriend to focus on getting drafted. What draftee has ever made it through this process without a significant other by their side? The support from a significant other is unmatched. The only other option would be marriage, but neither of us is ready for that. I’ll already barely see her once the season starts and her sorority starts with rush week and bids. I can’t add that to her already full plate. This is such a mess that I never foresaw.
The Kappa Beta house isn’t too far from campus. That’s where I am now waiting for her to pull up. Kamryn was lucky to get a room to herself her first year in the house. I think it also had something to do with her being a Rawlins. Her car honking pulls me out of my own head.
The feeling that I get when I see her is indescribable. It’s like I can breathe again. I jog over to her car and she barely puts it in park before jumping out to hug me. I call her my little koala because of how she wraps her arms and legs around me. She pulls her head back to kiss me hard and passionately. How did I ever live without her? We slow down the kiss when we hear the cheering and whooping of other students. Kamryn reluctantly releases her grip on my body and slowly slides down the front of my body. She looks up at me with a devilish grin before placing a kiss in the middle of my chest.
I’m walking out of class when I see Kamryn talking to Liam some little ways down. Her back is to me so it’s the perfect time to scare her. Liam sees me walking up and I put my finger to my lip to keep him quiet. He continues his conversation with her as if nothing is happening. Liam slightly raises his eyebrows to give me a sign of when to scare her and that’s what I do.
“Ohmygod!!” Kamryn shrieks as she jumps out of her skin and then turns around and smacks me in the chest.
Liam and I are both bent over with laughter trying to catch our breaths.
“This isn’t funny! I could’ve hurt myself…or peed my pants.”
I sober up some to hug her close to me. “I’m sorry babe. I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity. Thanks man,” I say and dap Liam up.
“Yeah. No problem. Any chance to scare Rynny. Anyways, I’ve got to get running or I’m gonna be late for practice,” Liam says with a chuckle still lingering.
“I hate you both.” Kamryn says with a cute little scowl on her face.
Liam wraps his arm around her shoulder. “No you don’t. You never could. Later peeps.”
“Later Liam.” I call out as he waves. Kamryn is still pouting when I take her into my arms. “Come on babe. You can’t be that upset with us.”
She arches an eyebrow at me. “Payback is a dish best served cold.”
“Is that what you’re planning in that mischievous mind of yours?”
“I guess you’ll just have to follow me to find out.” Kamryn says and slips out of my embrace.
I’m too shocked to even process what she’s staying and also a little turned on that she’s planning something to get back at me. My mom’s words ring in my head “Just enjoy your time with her while you can”. God I love this girl so much. I’d marry her right now if I could. Kamryn turns around when she notices I’m still firmly planted on the spot.
“You coming superstar?”
I smile at the name she’s given me and jog over to where she’s waiting for me. “I love you so much.”
“I love you too, baby.” She says as she wraps both arms around my waist.
“This food looks amazing, Mrs. Brooks,” Kamryn proclaims with wide eyes.
It’s Thanksgiving break. But not quite Thanksgiving. Every year, we play our rival Clifton on Thanksgiving Day. And since my whole family and Kamryn are coming to the game we’re celebrating on Tuesday instead.
“Thank you sweetheart,” my Mom says with a smile.
What I love about my relationship with Kamryn is that she’s gotten along so well with my family. My brothers and little sister love her, my dad appreciates that she can hold her own when it comes to talking about sports, and my mom loves how she’s dealt with everything else that comes with dating the star QB of a Division I college.
My extended family even loves how she puts up with me and I’ve officially gotten the seal of approval. Which is why it makes this Thanksgiving so bittersweet for me. I know it’ll be our first and last. And having to put a time stamp on a relationship that’s changed you immensely breaks a little piece of my heart each day.
“Baby, are you coming outside?”
I look at her a little clueless.
“Football. Don’t worry, I’ll be the quarterback. I’d probably out-throw you anyways.”
My family tries to hide their laughter by covering it up with coughs. I look around at all of them with narrowed eyes. Kamryn looks up at me with such amusement as she cracks through my tough guy fa?ade.
“Fine. Loser has to clean up with all the dishes.”
She holds her hand out to shake, “Deal.”
“Make sure you use soap and extra elbow grease on that pan.” Kamryn sing-songs from the living room.
Yeah my team lost. And it wasn’t on purpose I guarantee you that.
My dad, brothers, and I have set up an assembly line of sorts.
“That one’s a keeper,” My dad announces to me but only loud enough for me to hear.
My chest aches a bit at the reminder that I have to let her go soon. “Yeah. I know she is,” I agree with a thick throat.
Well, we made it to the National Championship. But we lost by a field goal. It wasn’t that we played terribly, they just played better. Losing my senior year is the nail in the coffin on my collegiate career and also my relationship with Kamryn. With the season over I have my coach and mom in my ear, telling me that it’s time. I’ve been pulling away and dodging Kamryn for the past two weeks. Making up excuses as to why we can’t hang out. It’s breaking my heart more than she knows.
She knows when something is wrong. Kamryn is intuitive like that. But she’s also her own worst enemy. I couldn’t tell her what was going on. So I know that she beat herself over what she did to make me pull away.
The clock is ticking, so I have to do it now. If I want the dream of playing in the NFL and my coach and my mom think the only way I can get there is with no distractions, then I have to. And there’s no better time than now.
So I’m waiting outside of Kamryn’s last class, and then I see her. Bundled up in a jacket and beanie. The wind blows her hair in front of her face before she pulls it behind her. I quickly whip out my phone and take a picture of her. Knowing that this will be the last time I see her beautiful face unbroken.
My heart is in my throat. My head and heart are warring with the outside world, demanding that I not do this. When she spots me, I see her falter. I see the trepidation, nervousness, and sadness in her beautiful brown eyes as she walks towards me. The glow that she so effortlessly radiates dims because of me. And I hate that I’ve put that look of doubt in her eyes. I hate that I’ve turned this vibrant girl into a shell of who she once was. Being the one to dim her light, that’s not me. That’s not who I’m supposed to be.
“Hi,” She nervously says when she stops in front of me. Almost so quiet that it comes out more as a whisper.
The only time I’ve heard the nervousness in her voice was when we ran into each other after our first meeting. How I wish I could go back in time to that moment. Where everything was new. Without the voices of my coach and mom telling me I need to end this.
“Hi,” I hold my hand out to her and give her a tentative smile, “come take a walk with me?”
Chewing on her lip, she reluctantly takes my hand and we walk towards a bridge not too far from campus. Kamryn told me that hand-holding was an underrated form of physical connection. Every time I got to hold her I locked all of those moments away. When we find a spot to stop on the bridge, she lets her hand fall from mine and turns to face me.
“Did I do something?” Her question comes out as a broken whisper and barely audible over the sound of the river flowing below us. It’s right here that I know that I’ve broken her.
This is going to be harder than I thought. “No, baby. It was nothing you did wrong. But there is something. And it has been tearing me up.”
Her eyes are glassy with unshed tears, “What is it?”
Hell, even I’m having trouble keeping my emotions in check. Or even looking her in the eyes. But she deserves my honesty. Honesty and trust is what our relationship was built off of. And I’m throwing it all away. Despite the secret that I’ve been keeping from her for the last five months. I know that this, not being honest or truthful with her, is enough to break her.
“Before we started dating, I had a lot of NFL scouts looking at me. I was one of the top draft prospects. But I made a promise to myself and my parents that I would graduate college with a degree that would support me long after football ended. So I passed on entering the draft last year. Then when training and practice started back up in August, Coach said that the NFL was looking at me again. That I had always been on their radar and they had never stopped looking at me.” I take a deep breath before continuing. This is where I break both of our hearts. But in all honesty, I know they’re already beyond broken with no hope of repair. I blow out a deep breath and hold her eye contact.
“Coach said that in order for me to get drafted, I needed to be 100% focused on the game. No distractions. All of my commitment needed to be on football. He said he had the power to make it that I wouldn’t even be considered for the draft. And that the only way to do that would be if I had no ties left here.”
I steel myself as I look at her and witness the moment my words click. Her spine straightens even more and her face drops. “No ties here, meaning me?”
I nod my head because my emotions are way out of whack.
“You’ve known since August? When in August?” She asks right before the dam of emotions breaks.
“The day before you came back to school.”
“Oh my god!” Kamryn exclaims. Her hands covering her mouth as she backs away from me and then paces down the bridge a little then back. “Five months! You’ve known for five months that you had to end it with me. Why? Why did you string me along when you knew…knew that we had an expiration date?!”
When I get the courage to look back into her eyes, I see the tears forming. Knowing that I put those tears in her eyes is like a dagger to the heart.
“Because you make me a better man.”
“That’s bullshit and you know it! A better man would have fought for us.” Her voice cracks at the word us. “A better man would not have strung me along and then avoided me for weeks! You’re a coward.”
Those three words hurt harder than any hit a defenseman could make. “I did try Kamryn! You don’t think I’ve dreaded this? You don’t think I bartered with everything I have to not do this? Do you think I want to walk away from you? I don’t! You are the BEST thing that has ever happened to me. You are the absolute love of my life. It has been slowly killing me knowing that we were on a timeline. And it tears me up because I know that breaking your heart is the worst possible thing that I could ever do. I know that I will never recover from this. I knew I wanted us for as long as possible. And I didn’t want to push you away, baby. But I had to prepare myself somehow by not being around you.” I tell her as I desperately plead my case.
When I look at her, tears are streaming down her face and her hand is over her mouth again, trying to keep her sob from echoing in the space around us.
They say a picture is worth a thousand words. Only it’s not a picture. Because pictures tend to fade over time. Pictures can get ripped, or lost, or water damaged, or even stolen. When they were talking about pictures being worth a thousand words, they meant this moment. Where you can remember every detail: the weather, the time, the day, and the aching scene in front of you right down to the tears trailing a path down her face. It’s a picture that wins awards when the emotions of the subject have the ability to smack you in the face.
That’s what I did to Kamryn. I broke not only me, but I actually broke her when I promised to myself I never would.
I have no right, but I pull her sob-wracked body to me despite her resistance.
Kamryn’s body stays stiff in my arms, but speaks what I’ve been thinking about since August. “I don’t know how I’m supposed to do this Mason. You’re my best friend. I don’t know how I’m just supposed to walk away from you. I can’t just walk away from you.” Her body shakes with the silent sobs that are wracking her body.
I run my hands up and down her shaking back trying to soothe her as best as I can, knowing that these words I say will and can never be enough. At least not anymore. A few tears escape from me as I kiss the top of her head. “I don’t know either. But I do know that one day, you’ll thank me for letting you go.” She’s shaking her head no, knowing that I’m wrong. Even I know that I’m wrong. Because despite both of our breaking hearts, I continue telling her what she needs to hear in an attempt to move on. “You’ll thank me when some guy sweeps you off your feet. Even though that guy isn’t me I’ll still be happy for you. Your happiness is the most important thing in the world to me.” The words taste bitter as I confess to her one of my biggest lies to date. I pull away from her to look her in the eyes. “You are one in a million Kamryn Rawlins. And I am so glad that I got to be a part of your life. To be loved by you. To know you. I will love you forever.”
“I will love you for always,” I know she means that, because one thing Kamryn is, is honest and loyal to a fault.
I know I shouldn’t, but I lean down for one last kiss. One last kiss to hopefully tie her to me. But all too quickly Kamryn pulls away, and walks away from me. Her sobs follow her as she walks away from me. It kills me that I just destroyed the one person who didn’t deserve it. It kills me to know that I can’t be the one to follow her anymore to make sure she’s okay.
I haven’t seen Kamryn around campus in about a week. My first instinct when I woke up was to text her. It had been my routine since last year. But that night I lost the right to know what she’s up to. Every fiber of my being argues that she’s the love of my life. And I don’t care that I’m young. That I could’ve fallen in love with anyone. But theres only one Kamryn. And she’ll always be it for me. No other woman could ever compare.
As soon as I went to my coach’s office and told him what I did, he made a call. The next thing I knew I was scheduled to go to my first combine in February. But at what cost? I had to muster all of the excitement when he told me when I was set to go. Could he tell? That my excitement for this game isn’t as strong as it was five months ago? When he told me I was scheduled for February, I slammed the door as I left his office. Still nothing could prepare me for the aftermath.
I heard the whispers all over the campus. The looks of shock from the students in my classes and the look of disdain from my fellow athletes. I called my mom after it happened and she said that it would get better and I will heal.
The only problem is that with each passing moment and each passing day, it doesn’t feel like it will get better and I don’t feel like I’ll ever heal.
“You saw her around campus right?” I hear one of my teammates say when I walk over to them at a table in the cafeteria. It’s been a few days, and the whispers have barely died down. I don’t think they’ve noticed me yet, but one of them finally does.
“Hey, Mason.”
“Hey guys. What are y’all talking about?” I say absentmindedly as I take a seat.
“Nothing in particular.”
They all look at each other conspicuously, thinking that I’m not paying attention. The only problem is that I know who they’re talking about.
“How did she look?” I finally ask, already regretting the question.
They all look at each other like this is a trick question. Mike is the first one to speak up.
“Honestly, she looked wrecked. It was as if her light completely went out. I’ve never seen her like that. It was heartbreaking to see.”
I look away and choke down the emotions that are threatening to overspill.
“If it makes you feel any better, you both look the same.” He says as an afterthought.
I snap my gaze back to my teammates. “Feel any better? Tell me something. Have you ever had to do something so big that had the potential to ruin everything? I had to break up with the love of my life when I didn’t want to. I have had my mom and coach breathing down my neck since August to break up with her,” my teammates eyebrows shoot up to their hairline with that confession. “You didn’t see how she reacted that night. The light you talked about being out, you weren’t there seeing it dim right in front of your eyes. So no. It doesn’t make me feel any better.”
I stand up quickly and look around to see that the whole cafeteria has fallen silent and is looking at me. Without making any more of a scene I quickly head towards the exit of the cafeteria, my steps faltering when I see Liam standing just inside the threshold. A thousand words pass between us before he can manage to stop me. In that brief moment, my memory takes me back to when he and I had our first and very brief talk about Kamryn.
“Brooks!” I hear my name yelled out in the athletic building and turn to face a guy I’ve seen around, but haven’t been introduced to.
“Yeah?” I respond to him as he’s in front of me.
He holds his hand out. “Liam Taylor. I’m Kamryn’s best friend.”
It all clicks. For some reason I never would’ve put it together that he was the arrangement she was talking about. I’m not a jealous guy, but seeing him makes me want to punch him in the face. He had years to tell her how he felt.
“Nice to meet you.” My hand meets his and he tries to intimidate me with the strength of his hold. I pull my hand from his. “Did you need something?”
He shakes his head in a nonchalant way. “Just wanted to say thanks for making my best friend happy. She deserves it. As long as you don’t hurt her we won’t have any problems.”
“I have no intention of hurting her. I promise you that.”
Not wanting to talk to him, I rush out of the cafeteria and back to my dorm continuing to choke down my emotions while fighting tears the whole way there.
I know they say men aren’t supposed to cry. That it strips our man card and it makes us more feminine. But what is so bad about men being in touch with their feelings? If anything it helps us be more attune to what is happening around us.
For the rest of my time as a “normal” college student, I put my head down and work. I focus on my classes and the one-on-one training sessions with my conditioning coach. I avoid my former teammates as the looks they still gave me burned.
I do my best not to seek out Kamryn on campus and beg for her to take me back. That we can keep our relationship a secret. But by the time I get back from the combine and sit through the draft, it turns out the next seven years are a test of my willpower.