13. Kamryn
Idon’t think I’ll ever get over him. Yes, I’ve had boyfriends before, but nothing compares to what he and I had.
Mason was my once-in-a-lifetime love. Not a lot of people get that in their adolescent years. And I know I’m young. I know adults believe that when you’re young you don’t know what love truly is. But in the year that we were truly together, I felt invincible. I felt like with any obstacle that came my way, with him by my side I could conquer anything.
It’s been four months since he broke up with me.
Have you ever had a reoccurring dream where you’re the butt of a joke but you have no idea why. Every person you pass stares at you. Silently and not so silently laughing at your utter humiliation.
Picture that. But it’s not a dream. It’s real life. It’s my life. And walking through campus those next days after word got around was hard. Trying to ignore the whispers that the star quarterback broke up with the sorority legend was hard to deal with. Because I was the butt of the joke. I was the one they were laughing at.
Sarah held me the night I came back to our room. I was inconsolable the rest of the week. She let me wallow without judgment when I needed to. She held my hand when the pain of my heartbreak tore down every last one of my defenses. She made sure I went to class when I was supposed to, I even took different routes to my classes to avoid seeing spots that Mason and I frequented, I did the bare minimum in my sorority and I think they all understood why; I avoided the cafeteria at all costs, and I avoided going to any baseball games for fear of him being there.
I avoided life.
It was hard making that life adjustment. I went from being so blissfully happy. I was on cloud nine happy. My life was great.
Until suddenly life wasn’t so great. I was no longer on cloud nine. I was no longer in my happy bubble. I withdrew from college life. I became the person I never thought I’d become. The withdrawn and sad person I strived never to become, I became. I thought time would help heal that wound, but I felt it only getting worse.
The light I had promised would never go out, went out. I have no idea how to get it back.
As soon as my last final ended I got in my car and drove straight home. I didn’t bother saying goodbye to my sorority sisters, especially Sarah. She deserved more than what I left her with. And I didn’t bother waiting to tell Liam good luck in the College World Series. I just couldn’t do anything. I had barely put my car in park in the driveway when my mom opened the door and I ran right into her arms. She just held me and let me cry, like she knew that this would be the hardest heartbreak that I’d ever go through.
“I know sweetheart,” my mom says, fighting against her own tears, “I’ve got you. Always, sweetpea.”
Since coming home three weeks ago I powered down my phone and all I’ve done since is lay in bed. I know I should live some semblance of a life over the summer and prepare for the next school year. But I’m just too emotionally drained. And when I think I’ve run out of tears to cry, they start right back up.
A knock on my door startles me from my wallowing.
My mom pokes her head around my door to see in. “Honey, Liam’s here. He’s worried about you. May he come in?”
I can’t respond. Just thinking about turning around to look at my mom in response has tears streaming down my face. It’s quiet for a few seconds but then my bed shifts and then I’m cradled against a hard chest. Liam turns me around and slowly rocks me, caresses my head, and tells me all the things I need to hear. I sob more and Liam continues to reassure me that everything will be alright. And when I’m all cried out, Liam just lays here with me. He never pushes me to talk; or tells me to get on with my life. He just lets me lay curled up next to him. The occasional tears come and he pulls me closer and places a kiss on the top of my head. And it’s all I need.
I wake up the next morning to a warm body behind me. Last night blurring with the previous nights until I remember Liam had come over. And he stayed the night? How did my parents not kick him out? I kind of liked having him here. I know I shouldn’t say that. He’s my best friend. Forgetting everything that happened between us last year that hasn’t changed. My heart is still in pieces on that bridge back in South Carolina.
The waters between us may have gotten murky, but we cleared it up. Liam became the best friend I had growing up. He got along with he who now shall not be named. I didn’t expect him to come over yesterday. But that’s what friendship is. And despite it being way too soon for my heart to beat for anyone else, this feels good. Laying here with him, spooning, it feels right. So I snuggle up closer to him and hear him grunt.
I freeze, then slowly turn around and face him. My throat is hoarse from misuse and crying, “I’m sorry.”
He opens an eye to respond to me. “A beautiful girl like you does that to me and you should be sorry.”
His words do something to me. As soon as I remember everything, my nose begins to burn and I feel my eyes water with new tears. I do my best to push them away for a bit. “Liam, thank you for last night. And I’m sorry for using you as my tear towel.” I say, my voice raspy from crying and overall lack of use. The tears that threatened to fall over, fall.
“Kamryn, I don’t want you to be sorry.” He pushes my hair back behind my ear and lets his hand linger on my cheek. His thumb swipes away the lingering tears. “I just don’t want you to be hurting anymore.”
“I know. It’s gonna take me some time. But I’ll be the same old Kamryn soon,” That’s a lie if I’ve ever heard one.
“I know you will,” Liam says. I almost think he believes me.
And before I know it he’s closing in. Eyes zeroed in on my mouth. I shouldn’t let him kiss me. I should turn away. Because kissing someone, never mind the fact that it’s Liam, it’s too soon. But I think I need him to. I need to feel something. I think I need this physical connection with someone to show me that I won’t be broken forever.
Is it healthy? Not even a little. This could be the biggest mistake I make.
I’ve thought about what it would be like to kiss Liam again. There were times when we’d be at the same party and I’d see him making out with a girl. I’d remember what his lips felt like pressed against mine. It was never envy that made me want that with him in public.
I melt into the kiss and he takes it from there. It’s like a light has been relit within me.
Our tongues clash together in this heated moment. We grab at each other trying to get closer. I move the blanket up to move over and straddle Liam. Between my oversized T-shirt and panties along with Liam’s gym shorts and T-Shirt, the thin fabric isn’t doing a great job in concealing anything. When I feel his erection, my breath hitches. I moan and roll my hips along the length of him. Liam’s hands tighten on my hips and he takes control.
Liam flips us over so he’s on top, and the feel of his weight on top of me is so much better this way. The feel of his cock trying to push its way through my underwear has the pressure building fast. My hands move on their own accord and roam up and down his back and chest and then under his shirt to feel his rippled abdomen. My hand slips into the waistband of his pants where I start to stroke him.
Liam breaks the kiss and buries his head in my neck. “God Kamryn, that feels so good.”
I continue to stroke him when he pulls my hand away and pins it along with my other hand above my head.
“You have no idea how long I’ve waited for this again.”
I look up at him puzzled. When I wanted more Liam was nowhere to be found, he ghosted me. It hurt but I moved on.
He hooks his fingers in the waistband of my panties, “May I?”
I nod, “Yes.”
Liam slowly slides my panties off and then throws them over his shoulder somewhere. His hand is still on my thigh, waiting for permission.
I nod again, “Yes.”
Liam slips a finger into my opening and goodness! It’s like my body comes alive again. He slowly works me up, pumping his finger and then adds another, curling to hit the spot that makes me arch my back for more and cry out. Liam kisses me to silence my cries. His tongue tangling with mine matches that of his fingers stroke for stroke.
I’m so close and he knows it. He rubs the pad of his thumb on my clit and I’m gone. My orgasm explodes through me. I moan into the kiss as my orgasm continues to ripple through me. Liam continues to rub me, only slowing down to bring me back to earth.
I wrap my legs around him to stop him from climbing off me, “I want you inside me. Now.”
Liam rolls off me to take his shorts off and I open the drawer to my nightstand to grab a condom and toss it to him. Once it’s on, Liam hovers over me.
“Are you sure?”
I dig my heels into his butt and pull him closer to me. No. Not even close. But I want to feel something. Anything. Avoiding eye contact, I line his cock up at my entrance, “Yes. I’m sure.”
That’s all the permission Liam needs as he slowly enters me. Pushing his cock in inch by inch. Stretching me and filling me to the hilt. We both groan out from the feeling. And then he’s moving inside of me. Bring his lips to mine all the while kissing me like he has all the time in the world. Moving at a steady pace. I break the kiss because this position is too intimate and not at all what I’m wanting with him.
Our bodies move in perfect rhythm. My hips meet his at the perfect moment. I feel the first tingle knowing I’m close to another orgasm. Liam starts to pump faster, his pelvis hitting my clit working to get me off and then finding his release.
I put my hand over his mouth to muffle his groans. Biting my bottom lip as my climax rips through me. Tears sneak out the corners of my eyes, giving way to my continual breaking.
What have I done?
Our eyes clash and I can see the walls he’s putting up. Liam rolls off of me after the last of his orgasm fades. Did I really just have sex with my best friend again? It didn’t mean anything to me. Now I’m pretty positive it meant something to Liam. Did it actually mean something to him this time?
I turn to face him, because I have to say something, “Liam…”
He puts his finger to my lips effectively silencing me. Giving me a tiny smile. “I know that it didn’t mean anything to you. And I know that you’re still hurting. So when you’re ready I’ll be here.”
He’s rendered me speechless. Which is not an easy thing to do. He kisses my hand and gets dressed, “I’ll see you later Kam.”
All I can do is watch him silently get dressed and leave.
I screwed up big time.
When I hear the front door close, the tears fall in a steady stream down my face.
After mopping in my house (mainly in my room), I realized the summer passed too quickly. A couple of my best girlfriends from high school decided to one-day drag me out of my house to a spin class. The class changed my life. I started going four times a week with them and started doing Pilates with my mom. I noticed a change in my mood and even my body. Even though in my sorrow state I’ve already lost ten pounds, and with the other workouts another twenty pounds melted off. Did I look healthy? No. But I felt better than I did at the beginning of the summer.
After I finally started coming out of the house, my friend Megan from high school was telling me about how the boutique she works at participates in trunk shows. I assisted with one show. Then I did another and after that I was enamored by it all. I had never seen anything like it.
So afterward I was so inspired that I went to Michael’s and picked up a sketchbook. I did anything and everything. Mostly sticking to sketching out clothes: dresses, skirts, everything young women like me would wear. My inspiration led me to fill that one up and then I just decided to buy ten more. I think my parents were just glad that I was finally doing something other than crying and being holed up in my room just staring at the wall. But when I told them my plan, they kind of freaked out on me. Stating that it was too late for me to change my major. But when I set my mind to something, I go after it and I get it. I think my parents realized that and said that if I change my major now, I’d better stick with it.
But all too quickly as those became routine, it was time to head back to school. Once I said goodbye to my parents and Jax, I started my nine and a half hour drive back to school. It was a good drive to get some thinking in. A little bit too much thinking. As a psychology major instead of analyzing others, I spent the time analyzing myself. I’m too messed up in the head for that.
Traffic has been relatively light so far. Even if it is in the middle of summer. The only part that I do get stuck in is I-95 in Virginia, which is always the norm.
All too soon I’m pulling back up to the Kappa Beta house. I’m still lucky enough to have my own room. I love living in the house, but sometimes I need my own space. And since I’m a third year, my responsibilities have increased so needing my own space will have its advantages.
“Kamryn!”
“Sarah! How are you?” I ask her as we hug. I haven’t seen my best friend since I left right after finals. I felt bad for not texting with her. But I needed a break. Unfortunately that included school friends.
“I’m so good! Went on vacation to Bora Bora and then went to Las Vegas for a while. How are you?”
“I’m good. Better,” I tell her honestly.
“You look good. For a second, I didn’t think you’d come back here.”
Neither did I. “I considered it. But I can’t let him get in the way of that.”
“That’s really good to hear.”
“Yeah. I’m ready for smooth sailing this year. I decided to change my major. It might mean more school, but I could always double up this year and possibly take summer classes back home. It’s not like I have anyone bidding for my time.”
“What are you changing your major to?”
“Fashion. I realize that it’s not the most lucrative, but it’s what I want.”
Sarah’s eyes get big and a gasp escapes her. “I’m glad to hear that. Let’s go unpack and then go get food.”
“Sounds good.”
Changing my major was kind of a pain. My advisor wasn’t too happy with me and tried to convince me that in my Junior year it may set me back. After some back and forth we compromised and she insisted that since I finished up all of my main psychology courses as if I were just minoring in it, she said that it was passable.
I’m in my third month as a fashion major. And I love it! I made my first piece the other day and my professor was blown away. “I’ve never seen such talent like yours, Ms. Rawlins.”
The one thing I am grateful for is that since I’ve been so busy, I’ve had less time to think about Mason and Liam. One of them hurt me and I hurt the other. So I took that hurt and started focusing on myself and the pain that is still present, and put it right back into my work.
But that pain I experienced losing two of the men closest to me, made me vow to never give myself away like that anytime soon.
With the work I’ve put into my actual work, the department has given me leeway to skip to the upper level classes. Putting me right on track to graduate. But that doesn’t mean the work for me ends or is any easier. No, that just means I have to prove to the department, my professors, the other students, and myself that I belong in this spot.
I always hated being labeled a nepo baby. I didn’t ask for my parents to be who they were. I was blessed with them. That goes the same with fashion. Truly, I didn’t ask to skip ahead. But I refuse to cower to those who think I got here by bribes or by special treatment.
When Rush Week and then Bid Day rolled around, I wasn’t as into it as I should have been. I have my little ‘squish fam’ that keeps getting bigger and I should be more open to them. I put on my happy face and welcomed a new member to my little family.
I’m walking from the art building to the house when I spot Liam. Right in the direct path of my way back. I can’t turn around now. That’ll make me look like I’m avoiding him…but I am avoiding him. UGH!! Might as well face him now. Or try to walk past him without him noticing me, yeah like that’ll happen.
I’m halfway past him when he calls my name and stops me in my tracks. I turn around slowly and plaster a fake smile on my face, “Hey, Liam.”
“I haven’t seen you around lately. How are you?”
“I’m good. Just really busy. I changed my major, so now I’m basically playing catch-up.” I say by way of holding up my portfolio case.
His eyebrows raise. “Oh wow.”
“Yeah. So how have you been?”
My conversations with Liam have never been this awkward. We’ve never had to make small talk to talk about things. Our conversations used to just come naturally. I’m realizing that with everything that went down, I don’t see how either of us can get back to that.
“I’ve been good. Baseball is going well so far even though it’s fall ball. I haven’t seen you around in a while.”
Oh crap! This is why I’ve been avoiding him. I look down before responding. “Yeah. Like I said, Ive just been really busy. Speaking of, I should probably go. I have a ton of work to do for class.” I turn to leave but his hand on my elbow stops me.
“Kamryn, did I mess this up? Did I ruin us?” He asks in a hushed voice.
“Not at all,” I say as my shoulders sag in sadness. The tears I thought had officially run out, make their reappearance.
Stepping close and still keeping his voice low to avoid any listening ears, he asks me. “You could’ve fooled me. Kamryn, you could’ve stopped us. Why didn’t you stop us?”
Oh god. He’s gonna hate me. “Because I was hurting. And you were there! God Liam, you have been my best friend since I was seven. I gave into what I was feeling at that time and...somehow, I think I knew you felt more. And I’m so sorry.” One blink and the tears will fall.
“So that’s why you’ve been avoiding me?”
I shake my head vehemently. ‘That’s not-”
He looks away and puts up a wall cutting off my response. “I think maybe we should cool it on our friendship for a while. Keep it the way it is right now. I won’t seek you out and I won’t text you. You can keep avoiding me and now I’ll start avoiding you.”
If I didn’t think my heart could break twice in one year, then I was wrong. I can’t hold back my tears anymore while looking Liam straight in the eyes. “I think that’s for the best too.” I turn around and walk away as a sob overtakes me.
I don’t know if I can do this anymore. So far everyone that I’ve loved has left. How much breakage can my heart take? Have I pushed them away? Is it me that makes people not want to stay?
Winter break could not have come at a better time. I need my spin classes and Pilates back in my life. And maybe even some family time.
“How’s it goin’ Jax?” I ask as I plop down on the couch. A rerun of Grey’s Anatomy plays out on the TV. The season six finale draws my attention a little.
“It’s goin’,” Jax responds.
I nod my head in silent approval and acceptance of her answer. I know I’ve been a terrible sister. Knowing my sister is in her first year of college should be giving us loads to talk about. I’ve just felt so numb this last month. And nothing has been able to wake my body up. That despite being home, nothing has been able to fill the void.
Jax turns down the volume on the TV before turning her attention to me. “Are you happy Kam? Because I see this girl that I think is my sister. And some days I see the old you fighting to make its return. So are you happy?”
No one has asked me that. “Honestly?”
“Always.”
I turn to look at her; but focus on something over her shoulder instead. “No. The person I thought I saw a future with deserted me. And I screwed up my friendship with Liam.” Taking a deep breath. “I’ve never been more unhappy than I am in this moment.” My words come out choked.
“Well, what will make you not unhappy?”
I swallow the lump in my throat and attempt to keep the tears away. “I wish I knew. I wish I could brush off this ache that’s made a home in my heart. I wish I could look at this past year and go ‘Wow…look how far I’ve come’. I keep trying to look on the good side of things, but I just can’t.” The more I spill to my sister, the faster the tears I tried so hard to keep from spilling over, spill over. “I wish I knew what happiness felt like again, Jax. I wish I knew what it was like to dance around the living room at the sorority house. I wish I knew what interacting with friends felt like. But I don’t. I just can’t move on from this pain. I don’t know how.”
My sister looks at me with pity and I hate it. I hate that I’m not the girl I was when I went away to school the first year. I hate that Im not the sister she needs. I hate a lot of things. I hate that my promise to never lose the light that lit me up is broken. But most of all I think I hate love the most.
I have this habit when I go home for a break that I turn off my cell phone and hole up in my room. I continued going to my workout classes to get some kind of high. But the high would only last for an hour.
And all too soon, I’m back at school again. At least I have spring break to look forward to in the spring. A bunch of the Greek houses are headed to Cabo for the week and I think a little sunshine and tequila will do me right. Especially the tequila.
I’ve avoided going to the cafeteria at peak hours, knowing that Liam eats at those times. I’ve used that time to hone my craft. And in that period of focus I know that my work has gotten better.
My professor approached me about a summer internship in New York. She told me that it would be good for me if I’m serious about becoming a designer. Which I am. And it’s rarely heard of that first-year fashion students get invited to New York for the summer. Now that I think of it, I’m not much of a first-year student anymore. Although, I suppose I don’t have to worry too much since New York isn’t that far from Philadelphia. But I have until May to prepare for that.
It’s officially the opening season for spring sports. That means that baseball games will be everyone’s main focus til the end of the school year.
“Kamryn, are you going to the baseball game?”
“Oh, no not today, Maggie,” I respond and go back to my sketches.
I attempt to get back to what I was working on but I still sense her staring at me.
“Are you sure? It’s the first game of the season.”
“She said she was sure, Maggie,” Sarah snaps, coming to my defense.
Maggie turns to walk away and I cast a thankful glance at my best friend.
“I know you said you didn’t want to go to the game and I know it’s because of Liam,” Sarah begins as she sits next to me. “But are you sure you don’t just want to show your Striper pride?”
“I can’t, Sarah.” I say, my throat threatening to close up.
“Are you ever going to tell me what happened between the two of you?”
I take a shuddering breath and turn to look her in the eye. “We slept together.”
“What?!” Sarah’s eyes practically bug out of her face and looks around to make sure that none of our other sisters heard. “When?”
“Over the summer,” I confess.
Sarah urges me to continue.
“I was holed up in my room since I had gotten back home. The breakup with Mason was still really hard on me. Liam came over after I had blown everyone off. My mom let him in my room. And he just held me the whole night. He didn’t pressure me into talking about it. He just let me cry. Then when I woke up in the morning we were cuddled so closely. I liked the feeling of a warm and strong male body behind me again. And then he was just there. One look and I let everything fade away. Then he said something along the lines of I’ve waited for this for a long time. I freaked out…internally, of course. And I think Liam knew. So when it was over, he got dressed and left.”
“Wow…”
“That’s not all,” I start, “I saw him before Thanksgiving break after avoiding him like the plague. He asked if our friendship was ruined. I didn’t know how to answer that. So he basically broke up with me. And I don’t know if we’ll ever be friends again.” My eyes water, but the tears don’t fall.
“Oh, honey,” Sarah sympathizes and draws me to her in a side-hug-cuddle.
I have no tears left to cry. I just stay in her embrace completely numb.
After a while I back away from Sarah. “You should go to the game. I know all the other girls are going.”
“I don’t want to leave you alone.”
“Sarah, I’ll be okay. I promise,” I declare, giving her a watery smile. I just want to be alone.
She looks torn for a moment before relenting and getting dressed for the game. Leaving me here with my thoughts and my sketchpad.
This isn’t my sketchpad for class. Call me whatever you want. A sucker for pain. A masochist. But since I started sketching, I have this one scene from my life that’s been on replay since the day it happened. Us on the bridge. Me trying to hold back my tears. Him appearing to be strong.
I keep redrawing the scene from different angles in hopes that it will have a different outcome. But every single time, it ends. The scene. Us. Him standing alone on the bridge with my back in the distance.
I can’t stop the sob that comes out unexpectedly and it’s at this moment that I’ve never felt more alone. Broken.